warning: mentions st*rving and s*icide.
hi! so this “series” is inspired by beyoncé’s album titled “Lemonade”. this album is so good, as it is a story of a man cheating on a woman. enjoy!
harry had been distant. i sometimes wanted to be close to him, show affection, love on him.. he always brushed me off. i assumed it was because of bad days, but this became a regular cycle. i was skeptical of it all.
i just wanted him to hold me. i wanted his touch. i was needy for his touch and his voice. we had sex once or twice a week. we kissed once or twice a day. we spoke to each other once a day. it wasn’t enough. as soon as he began going to the studio, he stopped caring.
a month goes by, you haven’t kissed him properly. you haven’t had sex, you haven’t had a real conversation. weekly saturday stay-in’s were no longer a thing in your household. you felt so alone. you couldn’t go to your friends, it has to be a temporary thing.
as days, weeks, a month went by, you began to suspect something. you didn’t want to say it out loud or even think harry would even think of being unfaithful to his wife. it all began to feel like it was unreal.
did he leave his vows on another woman’s bed sheets? i had to hand my limbs over to him on a platter for his attention. his attention was never reached. was another woman’s legs wrapped around him yesterday night? i didn’t know resentment could cancer the mind. it was all just crazy thinking of him being unfaithful to someone who waits for him, who cooks for him, who loves him with their soul, body and heart.
i sometimes catch him whispering on the phone, i catch him texting someone. he always ends up tilting the screen towards himself, so i wouldn’t see.
is he cheating on me? he wouldn’t. am i not good enough? no. do something about it. change yourself. be prettier. go on a diet. lose weight.
i prayed at night hoping he caught me listening. i prayed at night hoping he saw the hurt on my face when he pushes me off his shoulder. i prayed he caught me crying over this issue.
i smelt a perfume that wasn’t mine on some of his clothes. i hoped it was his band mates or his mother or even his sister.
as time went on, he didn’t come home until 2AM for numerous nights. i smelt the same fragrance. he used to hug me at night, now he sleeps his back facing me. i wanted to stab him from the pain he was putting onto me. what are you doing my love? he hasn’t kissed me in 2 weeks and 2 days. we haven’t had sex in 2 months. we haven’t went out on date in 1 month. i began to feel like roommates, rather than husband and wife. he felt the same way, but he wouldn’t dare let his love leave him.
i eventually got over it. there was no way the love of my life could betray me like that. he couldn’t do this to me. i was in denial. i wanted to yell and scream at him. i wanted to ask him what i could do to please him. i didn’t want to lose him. my intuition grew stronger.
if he did, what did i do wrong? where could it have gone wrong? did i suddenly turn into an ugly woman? was i unattractive? was i too promiscuous? should i cover up? should i be more sexy? tell me my love, tell me what i can change. tell me what i can do to make you even look at me. i want you look touch my skin, i wanted to feel that spark again. please god let me have that spark!
i began to become self aware. i began to fast for days and days. starved myself to lose weight for my love. i tried to be more pure for my love. i closed my mouth to be more submissive for my love. i tried to be more ideal. i was thick skinned. i never let people boss me around, but as these insecurities got stronger and stronger.. my thick skin and independence grew weaker and weaker.
i began to trust my intuition and try to figure out more and more. i scrolled through his call list. i prayed to god i would find him being faithful to his wife, who was waiting for him, on late nights for him to come back home. him coming home to sleep with his back to her face gave her reassurance.
all of these calls were from her. all of them. not a call in my name. i began to get insecure. it could be a co-worker. it could be someone his band knew. i wanted to please him so bad. “oh god, let him be faithful” i prayed. i was only fooling myself. no co-worker or friend calls this late at night. i began to sleep in a different bed to be more pure. i didn’t have sex for 2 months. i prayed to god every night. i prayed for the truth. i tried to change for the love of my life. my lifeline. my everything.
“i tried to change
closed my mouth more
tried to be soft, prettier
less... awake
fasted for 60 days
wore white
abstained from mirrors
abstained from sex
slowly did not speak another word
and that time my hair i grew past my ankles
i slept on a mat on the floor
i swallowed a sword
i levitated
into the basement
confessed my sins
and was baptized in a river
got on my knees and said, "amen"
And said, "i mean"
i whipped my own back
and asked for dominion at your feet
i threw myself into a volcano
i drank the blood and drank the wine
i sat alone in begged and bent at the waist for God
i crossed myself in thought
i saw the devil
i grew thickened skin on my feet
i bathed in bleach
and plugged my menses with the pages from the holy book
but still inside me coiled deep was the need to know
are you cheating?
are you cheating on me?”
---------------------------------------
the poem at the end is NOT mine, it is warsan shire’s poem ‘denial’. all the poem credit goes to him! some inspo is from a girl named Chanel Dupree.
gummygunk
prguitarman
dailybridgerton
ellievsbear
