I guess I just want to work through some thoughts? This is all rambling.
SO, I don’t feel comfortable in the HS fandom or tumblr in general, there’s people here and there that I really appreciate and do feel kinda at home with. And seeing them on my dash, or seeing them in notes, it makes me very happy and afterwards I kinda feel like “I wanna come back to this and be more active“
But I guess I just don’t like posting things on tumblr, especially anything nsfw...[or even, anything that I plan to do nsfw with in the future]
YET, I love the format of Tumblr. I love the tools we have where we can easily tag content for blocking and for organization purposes, and for little extra comments.
I like that they can be used through reblogs like a soft voice to maybe praise the design of a character or talk about how much I like the art style or colors or stuff like that.
So I want to cling to tumblr and I want to cling to homestuck.
For all the great experiences in the past.
But at this point I don’t feel like sharing. I don’t want to reblog things from others on this blog for example because... what if this person actually hates me and doesn’t want anything to do with me and asks me to remove anything I’ve reblogged from them on this blog? And if I was requested that I’d do it of course I don’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable because they don’t want to be associated with me, I get that. But I’d rather save myself the humiliation and try my best not to reblog stuff in the first place.
But then I don’t feel like I’m part of things anymore. Because sharing other people’s art/thoughts is a big part of being in a community here on tumblr.
I also don’t want to share my own things because I’m worried of who will see it and of how it’ll be interpreted. And I like sharing my stuff a lot, I crave that validation of course, that comes from people liking your things, and having a small hidden conversation through notes or through a few reblogs is very satisfying. I even looked forward to drawing some people’s characters or doing little exchanges and sending asks and trying to participate little by little.
Try to develop these characters and share little bits about them.
But this place just makes me feel doubtful and worried and like “why bother“.
And even though I have this page with warnings I feel like maybe nobody has seen it and that as soon as they see it they’ll hate everything here and that’s why I just don’t want to reblog stuff from people or share my own stuff in the first place. I also can’t really accept compliments and so the really nice comments I’ve received for a while now... I’m numb to it all because I feel like it’d be taken back
And things are really tied with the whole purity culture BS on tumblr. dark content is not the only thing I draw about, however I definitely draw a lot of it, especially for venting. /Though honestly when isn’t art venting? To me it’s always venting except when it’s drawings for other people. So if I draw characters annoyed or characters that are happy or crying. If I draw tenderness if I draw violence, if I draw something silly or if I draw something sad. It’s all venting and getting things out of my chest. Being the kinda idiot that bottles things up and never talks to anyone about their personal problems, the way I deal with things is through my dumb drawings. And that had been enough for me.
So.. while I try to make the things I draw feel detached/distant, that’s a very important thing for me. They will always remain very personal no matter what. And the only way I can really share these personal things is if I feel comfortable and somewhat safe. And I don’t feel that way here.
[and I guess it’s dumb too, because I haven’t really been targeted, but a lot of people I admired and a lot of people who’s content I’ve loved HAVE been. And I know it’s mostly directed towards people who are BIG in fandoms. But it still feels pretty awful. And it still means there’s a good chunk of people I don’t wanna share stuff with or open up to.]
jacobvanloon
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
andulkaphoto
izzy806
jbbartram-illu
