My Life @anonymous-allme-blog - Tumblr Blog

December 20, 2015

I’m so sad all the time and i try so hard to be happy but it just doesn't work. Im tired all the time and i just don't want to do anything anymore. I talked with my new therapist and hopefully things will change with her and starting anti-depressants.

Today was so bad. I was just so tired and miserable but i wanted to hangout with my boyfriend. We went christmas shopping but i just was so tired and i started to feel sick. he finally told me that i seem distant and just shutting everyone off. I'm glad he was finally honest with me because he never seems to tell me things that bother him even though i know they are there.

i really don't want to be on birth control anymore. its only been 3 months but I'm just regretting it because it is so bad for your body. my mom says it is to early to quit and i should wait at least 6 months...

December 14, 2015

I don't know how i feel anymore. One day I'm happy the next sad or angry. I went to a psychiatrist and i found a new therapist through him. He also recommended that i start a light anti depressant to make me feel better. I don't know what it is, I just feel so worn out all the time

People are starting to get on my nerves and i just want to sleep. everyone/everything annoys me except my boyfriend. All i want to do is spend all my time with him,but I feel guilty that i don't spend time with my family, but he makes me happy.

I want to have a good relationship with my mom, but when she gets drunk i just can't deal with her. She is annoying and bothers me so much. But then i look like the bad guy when i say to leave me alone, but she is the one thats annoying....

23:51- I'm not well right now. I'm actually just a wreck and all I want is you. I want your hugs and kisses. I want you to hold me and tell me its okay. but thats not logically right now. thats not real life.

#thingsicouldntsay

December 6, 2015

I am really becoming more happy. I have deleted my twitter and instagram apps (still have the accounts) and I feel so much better. I have been listening to relaxing music all the time and it really has brightened my mood, allowing me to think a lot.

I feel more connected to myself and others around me. I want to be a minimalist that isn't hung up on all the unnecessary things around us. I want to us my iPhone for the good things like pictures and contacting my friends and family. I don't want to be obsessed with my phone and always on it.

communicating in real life and online are two way different things. I think the problem with my generation is that people can communicate online but when it comes to real life people don't know how to do so.

i want to live life the most fulfilling way I can. and i truly believe that through minimalism and social interaction and less electronics I can achieve this.

December 3, 2015

Its been so long.

I have been feeling better the past few days. Its a weird feeling; I'm not internally sad. I am very content. I wouldn't say happy but i don't feel sad anymore. I feel as though Im growing as a person and starting to understand myself better.

My boyfriend (mike) continues to be the best. I truly can't say i would defiantly still be here if it wasn't for me. he caught me at one of my lowest times and he helped me on my feet. he has helped me grow and be happier.

i still have anxiety, mostly about the future. I applied early decision to the college that I want to go to so badly, but I'm very average and I did really bad on my final exams last year so Im very nervous because I don't know if i will get in or not. If i don't get in i know that i will be crushed. I would still like to transfer in either 2nd semester freshman year or for sophomore year. basically as soon as i could. I love the school so much and mike wants to go there too. sophomore year you aren't guaranteed dorming and we would probably get an apartment together. its not only the school i want to develop my career, but where i want to develop my future with him.

My Love

It’s crazy how much someone can mean to you in only a short amount of time. You are my everything, and I don’t know what I would do without you. It sounds sappy but truly. You are perfect to me in every single thing you do. You make my world brighter and happier. I don’t know how you do it, but every time I see you I fall more and more in love with you.

#thingsicouldntsay

September 27, 2015

Things are starting to look up for me. I had an anxiety attack on sunday night last week. I was at my dads and left to my moms because i mostly stay with her and I just wanted to go to my comfort home. I had been crying for about 20 minutes then cried all the way to my moms (about 10 minutes) and then cried for about 30 more minutes until I finally calmed down. I felt so alone, so empty inside. I felt that I had no motivation to do anything. I told my mom this, for the first time after about 2 or 3 years of feeling this way. we made an appointment with my therapist for the next day and I feel so much better.

I was able to talk to my mom and be open and honest with her. I had never felt that I could. I realized that for somethings our parents can be as oblivious as we think they can be. My therapist recommended we see a doctor, because with the symptoms I described, she has seen in people who lack a certain acid in their brain. This doctor would do a test to see if I also lacked it, and if I do there is a pill that I can take that will even it out and make me feel better. I really hope that this is the case because I don’t know how much longer I can stand being in this state of mind.

My boyfriend is starting to feel the same way as I do. No motivation to do anything, feeling empty inside. The only time we both don’t feel that way is when we are together. It scares me, I feel like I am making him feel this way, as if I’m rubbing off on him. I hate it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything happened to him and I couldn’t do anything but stand by and watch. I love him so much. All I want to do is help but neither of us know how to do so. I want to be with him all the time, but I realize that right now that isn’t an option, but I don’t think he understands that or he can’t accept that. When I’m not with him he gets all sad and doesn’t do anything, but he has homework and other activities he needs to be doing. If he doesn’t do these things I’m afraid that his parents won’t let us see each other until he gets himself sorted, but that will only make matters worse.

Im starting to have a better state of mind, but not everything is perfect.

September 20, 2015

I don’t know how I feel anymore. My emotions are so dead and numb sometimes. I just zone out. I don’t feel anything I’m just a waste of space, not doing anything. I thought that this usually happens around my cycle, this deep depression. I’ve decided to go on birth control because maybe that will help me. I want to do things, I want to be better, but I’m not strong enough to start on my own. I need a jumpstart and I’m hoping thats what the birth control can do for me.

I get so nervous/anxious about the littlest things. I care so much what other people think, not so much what they think about me but more about their emotions. I feel so in the way of other people and I don’t want to upset them. But then I get so mad, why should I care what they think. If they have a problem with me, so what I am who I am and I do what makes me happy. It’s just that I’m not strong enough like that. I care to much what other people think and feel. I put everyone before myself and all it’s doing is destroying me slowly.

August 19, 2015

16:58- im sorry for everything. im sorry for making you feel bad when you didnt do anything. im sorry for being greedy and wanting you all the time. im sorry that I manipulate you into feeling bad so i get what i want. im sorry that i dont know how to help you and it kills me. im sorry for being so inconsiderate about your feelings

#thingsicouldntsay

August 17, 2015

My boyfriend is amazing. I love him so deeply, so much that I am numb to anything. It sounds bad, but its a good thing. No matter what he does or says or what I do or say, I still love him. I’m always so happy around him, I just can’t help but smile. He makes me feel so good about myself, so secure in my body. I have never felt this way before and I love it. He makes me a better me, he helps me come out of my shell and is helping me in so many ways, that he doesn’t even know. I don’t even need to be with him to be in a better mood, just a through a text he can make my day. Just by being there all the time, being my best friend he has helped me through so much.

August 15, 2015

22:45-i can never be fucking happy. im always pissed about something and i hate it. i just get fucking annoyed because all i want to do is talk to you and i cant stop thinking of you and i just want to answer right away and then you take 20 minutes to answer so i feel stupid for answering so fast and i try to ignore it for what feels like an hour and its only been 3 minutes. and i know you wont read this but i just really get annoyed because you say how much you miss me and want to see me and talk to me then dont talk to me when you can and it bothers me because to me that doesn’t seem like you really mean it

#thingsicouldntsay

July 17, 2015

I haven’t been feeling well lately. I feel so sad all the time. Im trying really hard to be happy but everything is just so difficult to do; getting up in the morning, going out, talking to people. I feel so dead inside. All I can think about is the worst things to happy. All I worry about is the future because thats all people talk about, college, a job. Im so overwhelmed and stressed its putting me into a depression. I dont like feeling dead. I feel like I just bring everyone around me down when I’m like this but I cant help it, I’m just sad. I can’t do everything. My grades are horrible but it is so hard for me to focus on schoolwork, I can barely focus on a book that I want to read, let alone a book I don’t for school. I’m just not good at school even though I want to be. I dont have to energy to try hard in school when I’m using all my energy to get out of bed and try to be happy and social

July 19, 2015

I’ve been so depressed lately. No matter how hard I try to be happy, I just can’t. I feel so empty, so dead inside. I feel so alone. I just feel like an extra in peoples lives. Nobody cares if I’m with them or not. I’m not very good in school and bad grades just make me feel worse. I didn’t do well on my final exams and it makes me so sad. I just cant focus enough to do anything for school. I cant even focus enough on the things that I want to do. Being depressed lately has made me fall into deep thinking and all I can think about is the future. I have no idea what to do because I suck at school and without school everyone makes it seem like I can’t get anywhere in life. I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like such a waste of space

May 19, 2015

Today was alright. Things are getting better. I have been getting up early (5am) to go to the gym with my dad and it has been nice, i am really enjoying it. I havent been tired which I am surprised about. I went to my therapist today and it was nice. We talked a lot and made progress. Sometimes i feel like I just go there and we talk and don’t really help me, but today it was productive. But maybe we do help me just talking about myself, because i dont get to do that with a lot of people and its nice to talk on and on about something i like and just get all my ideas out, so maybe when we just talk and it doesnt seem like they are helping me with solving anything, they are just letting me unravel my feelings I overthink everything as you just read. But maybe thats it. It’s late. It isn’t that late I just go to bed early because I get up early but tomorrow my dad wants to go after school so i can sleep in a bit. I like just talking like this and getting my thoughts out, its very therapeudic and relaxing even though im pointlessly talking.

May 13, 2015

I don’t know why but I have become very emotional. I think it is stress, because I always start to get aggitated when doing schoolwork. I have gone from just shutting down and doing nothing when I am stressed to just anger. I get so mad at everything. Something inside me just wants to destroy things like rip papers and break anything I can get my hands on. I get mad and my mom wont ask me about so I get mad at her and I don’t want to talk to her or be around her at all. I get so mad, it’s like there are two people inside of me, one that wants to break everything and just be angry, and another that knows I will regret doing something like that. I’m just angry at anything, like inanimate objects that get in my way or don’t do what i want them too, and anyone. I want to just break things and hurt myself and hurt anything I can because i am so upset. I’m stressed to the point that I don’t know what to do between college, Italy, and my grades now. The problem is that right now in trig when I don’t understand something I just get extremely frusted and angry and I don’t want anyones help I just want to understand it and be right. I’ve been so angry/ stressed I have come to the verge of tears and I am not anyone who would cry infront of others, let alone school. Another thing is I am somewhat of a stubborn person. I don’t like to apologize much, but with reason. For example I didn’t really talk to my friend today and was just angry when she saw me. I feel like she is upset with me becuase of that but i don’t want to apologize tomorrow, I feel no need to I have reasons to be angry and I just wasn’t having a good day. I did the best I could to make the best of it but that doesn’t always work. I feel that my emotions have come so far I’m just numb. I go about my day in the same exact routine everyday, not thinking about anything at all just my body goes class to class. Another problem is that I am very paranoid that the worst will happen. Again like I talked about with two people inside me, I always know that the bad thing wont most likely happen, but something inside me is always telling me not to. I can see how this would be just a good conscience maybe when your friends are trying to get you to do something you dont want to, but I get paranoid over something as little as going on tumblr during school. I always worry so much and go through such unnecessary measures to make myself feel okay and its ridiculus.

May8, 2015

I’m home alone, as usual. I absolutely hate being alone at night because I always think of the worst possible situation to happen. I always “hear” noises and am paranoid i suppose. I want to learn as many languages as I can, I’m practicing Italian, German, and a little bit of Swedish. My friend has an exchange student from Germany who I became close friends with. She is helping me with German like pronouncing (which I suck at) and different rules. I plan to go to Italy for a year as an exchange student which I am really looking forward to. I love talking with people from other countries it really fascinates me and I love to learn about different cultures. I’m starting to become more comfortable in my body. I had very bad acne and I am extremely self-conscience. Tomorrow I’m thinking of wearing a dress with no sleeves… hopefully I can because I feel beautiful in the dress but uncomfortable in public in it.

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