Corradopark's journey towards the big One.

[seinfelt]

The Necronomicon

Looking to make his apartment easier to clean, Kramer covers every surface – including the furniture – in tile. George takes the phrase “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” to heart, and stops speaking altogether. Elaine unearths a leather-bound copy of The Necronomicon while digging nosily through her boss’s filing cabinet, and steals it in a panic when the cleaning lady walks in on her. Jerry eats some bad oysters at a party and becomes violently ill. Kramer offers to switch apartments, since his is so much easier to clean. George finally breaks his silence to make a catcall.

[seinfelt]

The Fly Garden

Elaine begins subconsciously mouthing along with everything people say to her. Kramer starts marketing the “Fly Garden,” which he sees as the logical next step after ant farms. George refuses to leave his apartment after glare shining off his head causes fellow moviegoers to chastise him.

[seinfelt]

The Saliva

Kramer gets a bit of detritus in his mouth and goes to spit it out, but as he rushes over to the curb, an attractive woman passes by. Not wanting to appear uncouth, he holds it in until she passes, but as soon as he’s about to release it again, an old woman walks by in a different direction, eying him with disapproving suspicion. He shuffles up the street out of her view, saliva welling in his cheeks, but is once again thwarted from expectorating by a young couple out with their son.

At this point he is particularly aware of the foreign object–which almost seems to have grown in his mouth–and his cheeks have begun to bulge. He continues up the street, but can’t seem to find a place to spit without anyone seeing. Complicating the matter, the amount of saliva in his mouth has become so tremendous that its release would be especially visible. He breaks into a run, panting heavily through his nostrils, lips pursed, tears streaming down his distended cheeks, but there are people everywhere.

Eventually, he bumps into Jerry exiting a clothing store with his girlfriend.

“Kramer!” says Jerry. “You’ve met Heather, right?”

Kramer nods, letting out a small whimper.

“Hey, what’s with the cheeks?” says Jerry. “You playing an invisible trumpet? Taking some acorns up a tree to store for the winter?”

Kramer shakes his head, face turning a deep shade of red.

Jerry frowns. “What’s the matter, Kramer? You all right?”

Before Kramer can attempt to respond, George rushes around the corner and nearly collides with the group. For some reason, his cheeks are also swollen. He and Kramer lock eyes, sharing a kind of strange understanding.

Kramer sighs resignedly through his nostrils and releases the contents of his mouth in a torrent that gushes to the pavement. In the center of the pool is a small feather.

At the same time, George shrugs, opens his mouth, and expels a litter of kittens, which all scamper off in different directions.

The four stare down at the mess on the sidewalk, Jerry and his girlfriend in disgust, Kramer in embarrassment.

“Well,” says George, nodding and backing away with a nonchalant saunter.

Meanwhile, across town, Elaine gets into a brutal fist-fight with a woman who has been making too much noise with her candy wrapper in a movie theater.

[seinfelt]

The Giver

After Jerry touches Kramer’s elbow, Jerry notices that his sense of touch is through the roof – every interaction is twice as stimulating. He immediately thanks Kramer and heads straight to his girlfriend’s apartment for what he can only assume will be incredible sex. Kramer wipes a bittersweet tear from his eye.

The next day, after hearing about the phenomenon, George and Elaine stop by Kramer’s place for similar reasons: Elaine wishes for super-hearing, so that she may better know when Peterman is getting up to speak to her and she will have ample time to escape. With a single dulcet tone of Kramer’s voice, her wish is granted. George believes he will be devilishly handsome if he can rid himself of those glasses, so Kramer stares him directly in the eye for several seconds. The glasses are immediately rendered useless. He and Elaine, so giddy and full of joy, run from the apartment to try out their improved skills. Slowly and clumsily, Kramer gets up and closes the door.

After many days in which no one has heard from Kramer, Newman pays him a visit to make sure that he is all right.

Several hours later, Newman emerges from Kramer’s dark apartment with flecks of blood still around his mouth. He takes one long whiff of the air and licks his lips in salacious satisfaction.

[seinfelt]

The Campaign

Elaine inadvertently ruins the campaign of her politician boyfriend. George realizes two weeks into his new job that he’s working for a cult. Newman sends Jerry a cease and desist notice that bars him from uttering the word “Newman”. Kramer steals an ostrich from the zoo and tries to use it for transportation.

[seinfelt]

The Unjust God

Kramer gets stuck in a thought loop while deeply pondering the opening lyrics of Bohemian Rhapsody. Elaine loses an earring in her apartment building’s dark hallway. When her obnoxious neighbor finds her using a flashlight to look for it, he bestows upon her the unwanted nickname “Nancy Drew.” George wakes up to find a large pimple on his nose, wondering what sort of unjust god would do this to him. When he also loses a quarter to a vending machine, he starts dramatically comparing himself to the Biblical figure Job. Jerry spends a large portion of his set talking about a “modern-day cyclops” without noticing a man in the front row who’s wearing an eye patch.

[seinfelt]

The Hungry Vagrant

George realizes that when he dies, he’ll be the subject of obituaries, eulogies, and finally, his epitaph. This sends him into an existentialist frenzy. Kramer has noticed that one woman in his building appears particularly lonely, so he starts sending her anonymous notes of encouragement. Elaine jokingly asks her coworker, Karen, if anybody makes an “overwire bra” to downplay cleavage. When Karen quits her job the next week after revealing that Hanes has bought the idea for $750,000, Elaine flies into a furious rage. Jerry gets hungry after a late show, and becomes increasingly frustrated that in “the city that never sleeps,” he can’t find a pizza parlor open after midnight. 

[seinfelt]

The Chalk Mine

Elaine begins obsessively collecting and drying animal bones and hoarding them in large chests in her apartment. Kramer opens a chalk mine and tries unsuccessfully to peddle his lumpy, unprocessed chunks of ore to schools throughout the city. Eventually he comes down with “White Lung Disease” and seeks workman’s compensation. George takes a brief nap at his desk and awakens to find the entire office cleared out and abandoned except for him and his chair. Jerry can’t stop laughing at his own jokes during a set.

[seinfelt]

The Fetish

Bania receives a sizable royalty check after Himmel Group decides to change the name of Ovaltine to Roundtine. Jerry becomes so enraged and jealous that he writes an entire act consisting of nothing but alternative names for popular products. Elaine starts an argument with Puddy at a Yankees game, and neither of them notices that their entire fight is being displayed on the JumboTron. When George’s girlfriend reveals that the only way she can achieve orgasm is by putting her bare feet on his bald head, he worries she’s only interested in him as some sort of fetish object. Kramer and Newman have a contest to see who can spit the farthest.

[seinfelt]

The Luck

Feeling down on his luck, George starts picking up head-side-up pennies and putting them in his shoe after seeing someone do it on television. Kramer tells him that the pennies’ lucky effect won’t work if he takes them out, and he eventually finds himself walking around with over three dollars in change in his shoes.

Jerry dates a woman who screams during her orgasms, in a way that sounds as if she’s being attacked. When he tries to break things off with her out of fear that someone might call the police, she brutally assaults him.

Peterman convinces Elaine to try out one of his unusual wet suits with him in the East River. She’s reluctant, but wants to score points after accidentally poking holes in his office chair with her high heels.

Too exhausted to keep walking with all the change in his shoes, George hails a cab to take him the rest of the way home. On the way, the driver has a stroke and crashes off the Queensboro Bridge. George narrowly escapes, but is held underwater by the weight in his shoes. Elaine and Peterman happen to be swimming by, and pull him to safety. In spite of the fact that the pennies nearly killed him, he’s convinced by his miraculous rescue that they actually are lucky.

Kramer takes up fencing “for self defense”.

[seinfelt]

The Religious Fashion

Kramer starts locking himself in his bathroom, turning his shower on at the hottest temperature, and sitting cross-legged, calling it his “sweat lodge.” He explains that the high heat makes his body more receptive to visions from a higher realm. Peterman informs Elaine that the company has partnered with a Chinese clothing outlet. She will now be in charge of the English-language version of their catalog, The Jiang P & M Catalog, which has to be copy-edited before photos are added. In the course of editing, she’s shocked at the low, low prices and succumbs to the advertising, buying $250 worth of bargain clothing. George criticizes a group of Hassidic Jews for their sartorial choices. Jerry whispers to him, “It’s a religious thing, not a fashion thing!” George shouts back, “Why can’t it be both!” He turns toward the Jews and repeats, “Why can’t it be both!” After several minutes of George’s browbeating, they become highly offended, and one of them recognizes Jerry. The next day, the front page of The Jewish Daily Forward proclaims simply, “SHAMEFELD”. Scrambling for damage control, Jerry performs his next set wearing a yarmulke. George pokes fun at him after the show: “So is the yarmulke a religious choice, or a fashion choice?” Jerry replies that it was neither, and the two proceed to get into a heated argument about whether “neither” is a valid response when George thought “both” was a valid response. Elaine is excited to receive her clothes in the mail, but, since she didn’t see any photos of the clothes she bought, didn’t realize she purchased ceremonial Chinese Hanfu clothing. She takes it to Jerry to complain, pulling it out of the box and holding it in front of her body. Kramer walks through the door at that moment, shirtless, drenched in sweat, his mouth open and tongue sticking out. He perks up when he sees what Elaine’s holding, and wordlessly enrobes himself in the garment. Jerry and George approach him, asking if he decided to wear the clothes as a religious choice or a fashion choice. Kramer emits a high-pitched hum, resonates at a piercing frequency, and leaves this plane of existence.

[seinfelt]

The Geogre

When George receives a piece of mail that misspells his name “Geogre”, Elaine suggests he actually change his name to that, as it “just sounds more accurate”. Kramer’s clothes are constantly damp, and he can’t explain why. Elaine dozes off on a park bench during her lunch break and wakes up covered in bugs. Jerry is alarmed to discover his new girlfriend screams “help” during her orgasms.

[seinfelt]

The Genius of the Crowd

One lovely afternoon, George walks down the sunny streets of the Upper West Side. A calm breeze blows, and a stranger even smiles at George as she passes him by. He feels a tap on his shoulder, and as he turns around, he’s surprised by a man pointing a gun right at his chest, not even attempting to hide it. “Give me all your money, you lunk,” says the man. George stares back in disbelief. Another beautiful woman walks by with no pause in her stride, smiling at both George and his mugger as she walks by. Each man smiles back at her. “Well? C'mon then.” George is flabbergasted. “Is this really happening? On a sunny day on West 86th Street? Am I seriously being mugged?” Yes. He is.

Jerry is trapped in a slowly moving subway car when a man rises, staggers a few steps, then violently vomits all over the floor. With no respite as the train inches between stations, the stench consumes everyone in the vicinity. The woman sitting next to Jerry tries to restrain herself, hands over her mouth, but can eventually contain it no more – she, too, throws up in a wild fashion. Within moments, everyone in the car is vomiting endlessly, Jerry being the only survivor, constantly backing away from the current assailant. He stands no chance. Jerry is last seen pressing his face and hands against the window of the subway door before becoming swallowed by the rising tide of puke.

Elaine earns a promotion, making her Peterman’s second-in-command, and he charges her to directly manage everyone below her. She gives a rousing speech to her subordinates, assuring them that this will be “A time in the company’s history ruled by peace, love, and understanding, where all voices will be heard.” She spends the rest of the day stamping out anyone’s opinion that differs from her own, censoring works from the art department, and spitting vitriol and hate. Her hatred is perfect, like a rent-controlled apartment, like a cab on a rainy day, like central air, like a $20 bill in an old coat pocket, like lox. Her finest art.

Kramer finally becomes a Grand Master of checkers.

[seinfelt]

The Prank War

Kramer gets caught in the rain without an umbrella, and everyone is horrified by what it’s done to his hair. Elaine offers George a packet of “sugar” for his coffee, which turns out to be ground ginger. This starts a prank war between the two that turns increasingly violent. Eventually, Elaine cuts the brakes on George’s car, thinking this will finally put an end to the hijinks. However, George, unaware of the recent vandalism, planned on pranking her by accelerating his car toward Elaine, honking, and stopping just short of her. Jerry finds a hair in his toothbrush.

[seinfelt]

The Mealstealer

After George forgets his wallet while dining out, he discovers that most fancy restaurants would rather simply kick him out rather than call the police when he refuses to pay. He goes from restaurant to restaurant enjoying some of the best food in the world for free. Eventually, the Maitre D of The Four Seasons calls “a meeting of the families” to figure out how to deal with the Costanza Menace. Elaine visits the Museum of Modern Art to see the highly publicized opening of a performance art piece called Backbreaker. When she slips on a wet floor and is unable to move, no one helps her, believing that she is the performer. Jerry assesses which character from Archie Comics everyone would be, which leads to a heated argument with Kramer.

[seinfelt]

The Sanctum Sanctorum

Elaine finds an old diary from high school, and keeps reminiscing to Jerry about things he neither knows nor cares about. He spends an entire set complaining about her and quoting the diary, with great success. Kramer buys an antique soap box from which to yell things, just to lend himself “that extra credibility.” During sex, George’s girlfriend surprises him by “entering the Sanctum Sanctorum,” and he can’t decide whether to be disgusted or ecstatic.

[seinfelt]

The Rapper

In an attempt to save money, George starts ripping cologne samples out of men’s magazines and applying them liberally to his wrists. He’s proud of his frugality, but everyone around him claims that “something smells like paper pulp.” Kramer watches The Karate Kid, but for pretty much the entire time, a car parked near his window is blasting hip-hop music. He wakes up the next day inspired to create a “rap dojo.” He runs over to Jerry’s apartment to take him on as his newest trainee, shouting, “Kick. Punch! It’s all in the mind, Jerry!” Jerry tries to follow along, but is just awful, and doesn’t have much interest. “Couldn’t you try to teach something useful, like, I don’t know, how to bake a cake?” he asks. When Elaine learns that her tax return is being audited, she runs to the nearest Catholic church and claims sanctuary.