AntsOnAPage

Unfinished business. raw, unedited and incomplete.

[antsonapage-blog]

.Gratified.

We live others' lives vicariously. It is not them in our homes, but us in theirs. We invade their space; their lives, desperate to run away from our own. From ourselves.

Because selectively perceived reality is better than living, because of all the dreams and hopes and wishes that have been sown and reaped in futility, and how nothing is ever as good as it can be. Because life may be what you make it, but noone wants to create anymore. We are happy to file our lives away, one click at a time. We give ourselves away, hoping time value will allow appreciation. We delay decisions, wants, necessities that may not seem like neccessities.

Instant gratification is not the answer either. And eveything is about balance. Or numbing yourself to ignorance.

[antsonapage-blog]

...

Maybe our concept of hell is flawed. Maybe it isn't a place that actively punishes evil, but one that passively condones it. Maybe it is Here, where we are meant to coexist with misfortunes, and live with unfairness. Maybe it isn't the final judgement, but the ultimate test. The ultimate trial of teamwork, and how we overcome the evil present all around us. Maybe we can't see the monsters because they're inside us. Maybe that's why grief and pain can always overshadow happiness. Maybe different countries and different eras are just the different levels of hell, and everyone faces their own personal one. And while we have happiness, and inscriptions to keep us going, maybe hell isn't a place that takes you all at once, but breaks you slowly, one piece at a time. A place that tests how long hope can fuel you, and optimism stays alive. And death in here is random and meant to hurt the ones left standing. Or kill off the ones who are 'better' or 'more deserving' or 'pure'. How else can you explain good people dying young, and criminals living away their life in prison? And maybe the morals we have aren't there to help us, but to bind us. Keep us in check, so we don't descend into anarchy, but rather remain suspended in organised chaos.

[antsonapage-blog]

Punctuated.

Writing about sadness is so much easier. Grief is universal. Happiness is contextual, subjective, and all round hard to grasp. Despair is easy to relate to, with our minds filling the gaps left between the punctuation marks. My hypothesis: this might be because, inherently, everyone has their own interests at heart. I know, i know. Im talking about a correlation between empathy and selfishness. Hear me out, I may be on to something here. Taking into consideration our responses to our environment, I have deduced the following: we empathise because we feel for ourselves; not for the ones affected. The word itself stands to enable us to shift our perspective. To put Ourselves in their shoes. To imagine what it would be if we had the misfortune of being in their place, before following it up with kind words or actions.

[antsonapage-blog]

Walking on a tightrope

We live others' lives vicariously. It is not them in our homes, but us in theirs. We invade their space; their lives, desperate to run away from our own. From ourselves. Because selectively perceived reality is better than this, because of all the dreams and hopes and wishes that have been sown and reaped in futility, because nothing is ever as good as it can be. Because life may be what you make it, but noone wants to create anymore. We are happy to file our lives away, one order at a time. We give ourselves, hoping time value will allow appreciation. We delay decisions, wants, necessities that may not seem like neccessities. Instant gratification is not the answer either. And everything is about balance. Or numbing yourself to ignorance.

[antsonapage-blog]

When the sun decides to shine on.

[antsonapage-blog]

Losing My Religion

Art has been my religion. The answer to my prayers. Art has lent me faith; the strength of millions; and it has saved me from myself, countless times. And it has also caused me to question everything, time and again. And I fear I'm losing it. And I am forgetting. And it is terrifying.

[antsonapage-blog]

Pay Attention

Look around yourself. Now close your eyes. What do you remember? We are too actively involved in our virtual lives to be anything but passively involved in our real ones. We see, but we dont look. We hear, but we dont listen. We touch, but we dont feel. Slow down. Pay attention. Pay attention to your life as it passes you by. Notice the people you live with, the people who work for you and the people you work for. Your lives are intertwined in a million different ways, yet you are too busy to spend any time on actually seeing past the part they play in your life, to the whole, entire person they are. Look at them in ways you dont see them yet. Shift your perspective. You are never too busy to learn, to challenge, to grow. Pay attention to the issues that that are brought up, and the issues that are resolved everyday. Heed warnings. Heed advice. Try to distinguish the different layers of truth, try to differentiate between masked friends and vulnerable enemies. Know better. Learn from the others’ mistakes; you may not have enough time to make your own. Pay attention to yourself. See yourself evolve right before your eyes, and embrace it. Identify your follies, fight your flaws. Tend to your needs; noone else will. Accept change, go along with it. Be passionate. Do something worthwhile, something you believe in and stand for. Find something to represent you. Create something. Try, always try. We like to cocoon ourselves, refuse to come out, safe and comfortable in our refuge. But how will the caterpillar ever turn into a butterfly, without being unafraid to face the uncertainties and truths of the actual, real world; harsh or not. The truth is, you're always going to be blindsided. You can never truly predict what is coming next. We may have the rules of probability, but there is no method to assess certainty. Even if there is a 0.0001% probability, there Still is a chance. And there is no way to ever truly prepare. You learn as you go along, as with anything new. Read all the manuals, ask all the questions; you still wont know what hit you until you're in the deep end; icy-cold and shivering. Or not. The most you can do is close your eyes, take a deep breath, and jump off the diving board as gracefully as you can. There is too much to do, too much to see, and before you lose yourself or get lost in it, pay attention.

[antsonapage-blog]

Meh.

Tim was fine. Tim was okay. Tim had a bad habit of not finishing what he started.

[antsonapage-blog]

The Wait.

Tl;dr I'm a terrible poet.

[antsonapage-blog]

People are.

People are power hungry. Give them the power to hurt you and you’ll see. They’ll slash at you with the sceptre of pain – looking to maim, injure or fatally wound. And i mean fatally wound in the most metaphorical sense, of course. And not even the kind that leads to death. Just to a point of no return. Hurt that cannot heal, even when someone else comes along and tries to fix it, to put you back together. It is then that you finally know what humpty dumpty felt like all those years back.

People are greedy. Give them all you’ve got, and they will come back for more. They will raise you up, make you feel limitless, then will take from you till you feel bound. They will empty you like a packet of their favourite candy, and discard you just as easily. People are wrong. More often than not, they will share their vast expanse of knowledge and generalisations, much like this one, and they will be wrong. Remember that they are wrong, and that what you believe to be true is true and can be true, only if you believe it strongly enough. People are disappointing. You will peg your hopes on them, give them all you have, and ironically enough, you can be certain that they will not fail to disappoint. They will break your heart, waste your time, and lead to countless empty tubs of ice cream. And although the above form a vast majority of the population, you Will come across kindred souls that arent the People you have been warned against; they are the people you instantly know are yours. They will surprise you by catching you unawares. You may meet them the next time you visit the corner coffee shop, or as you stumble outside a club, waiting to get away from the drunken hoi polloi. They may be at your next lecture, and if fate will have it, at your favourite bookstore.  They are the wondrous souls who will have the power, but do not find instances to wield it, they will not be greedy, will not wrong nor will they disappoint. They are the ones who will join you in your journey to a Great Perhaps. They are the ones who will be there to hand you another tub of ice cream. The ones to tell all the king’s horses and all the king’s men to step aside, roll up their sleeves and figure out a way to put you together in a way that would hold. They will unscatter you; they help you know what you believe is true, regardless of the truth; they will allow you to trust and then question; they will teach you how to expect. They will teach you to be fearless.

People are many things. What distinguishes us is how much of all those things we are, and how much of them we choose to be.  How the shades of white may be darker than the bleakest black. How there may be more shades of gray than you can imagine; not all right, not all wrong. And what matters is that we find our complements, and get it just right, so that we create something meaningful in the midst of this existentially fraught existence.

– A.

[thelovejournals]

I would love to say that you make me weak in the knees but to be quite upfront and completely truthful you make my body forget it has knees at all.

Tyler Knott Gregson, Love Language (via thelovejournals)