Mask over Anguish

[anweenaisenhart]

I love my children.

I think I even love my husband. It’s not the same kind of love as the burning frightened feelings I once thought were love.

Reiner is.... someone I feel safe with, but I love to stand beside when we hunt.

He’s someone I love to touch, and be touched by, but sometimes we spar and train and I love that too.

He’s a good stepfather to Witsy.

And he’s someone I’d rather not ever be without.

I never thought I’d feel that way about someone.

[anweenaisenhart]

[anweenaisenhart]

(tagged by @chronomancer-aiden ) literature aesthetics STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE ᴄᴏʙʙʟᴇsᴛᴏɴᴇ sᴛʀᴇᴇᴛs / ʟᴀᴍᴘs sʜɪɴɪɴɢ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ғᴏɢ / ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀʀᴍᴛʜ ᴏғ ᴀ ғɪʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ / ᴜɴᴏᴘᴇɴᴇᴅ ʙᴏᴛᴛʟᴇs ᴏғ ᴡɪɴᴇ / ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴇɴsɪᴏɴ ʙᴇᴛᴡᴇᴇɴ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜɪɴɢs sᴇᴇᴍ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴛʀᴜʟʏ ᴀʀᴇ / ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴛʜʀɪʟʟ ᴏғ ғʀᴇᴇᴅᴏᴍ / ᴘᴀɴɪᴄ ᴏғ ʟᴏsɪɴɢ ᴄᴏɴᴛʀᴏʟ / ʙʟᴏᴏᴅ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀᴠᴇᴍᴇɴᴛ / ɢᴜɪʟᴛʏ ᴠɪᴄᴇs / ᴛᴏᴘ ʜᴀᴛs ᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴀʟᴋɪɴɢ sᴛɪᴄᴋs / sᴇʟғ-ᴅᴇsᴛʀᴜᴄᴛɪᴏɴ / ᴏʟᴅ ᴅᴏᴄᴜᴍᴇɴᴛs ᴛᴜᴄᴋᴇᴅ ᴀᴡᴀʏ ɪɴ sᴀғᴇs. FRANKENSTEIN, OR THE MODERN PROMETHEUS ʀᴀɪɴ ʜɪᴛᴛɪɴɢ ᴀ ᴡɪɴᴅᴏᴡᴘᴀɴᴇ / ᴄᴀɴᴅʟᴇs ʙᴜʀɴɪɴɢ ʟᴏᴡ / ᴍᴏᴜɴᴛᴀɪɴ ʀᴀɴɢᴇs ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴡʜɪᴛᴇ, sɴᴏᴡʏ ᴛᴏᴘs / ғʀᴇɴᴢɪᴇᴅ ᴏʙsᴇssɪᴏɴ / ᴀ ᴄᴇᴍᴇᴛᴇʀʏ ᴀᴛ ᴅᴜsᴋ / sʟᴀᴜɢʜᴛᴇʀʜᴏᴜsᴇs / ᴀʟʟ-ᴄᴏɴsᴜᴍɪɴɢ ᴛʜɪʀsᴛ ғᴏʀ ʀᴇᴠᴇɴɢᴇ / ᴄᴏᴍᴘᴀssɪᴏɴ ᴛᴜʀɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙɪᴛᴛᴇʀɴᴇss ᴀɴᴅ ʜᴀᴛʀᴇᴅ / ᴀ sᴇɴsᴇ ᴏғ ᴅᴜᴛʏ ᴡᴇɪɢʜɪɴɢ ᴏɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ sʜᴏᴜʟᴅᴇʀs / ɪɴᴇsᴄᴀᴘᴀʙʟᴇ ɢᴜɪʟᴛ / ᴛʜᴇ ғʀᴏᴢᴇɴ ᴡᴀsᴛᴇs ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀʀᴄᴛɪᴄ ᴄɪʀᴄʟᴇ / ᴛʜᴇ ғᴇᴇʟɪɴɢ ᴏғ sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ʙʀᴇᴀᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ɴᴇᴄᴋ / ʟɪɢʜᴛɪɴɢ sᴘᴀʀᴋɪɴɢ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴛʜᴇ sᴋʏ. THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY ᴇʀᴏᴛɪᴄ ʟᴏɴɢɪɴɢ / ᴘᴀɪɴᴛ ᴏɴ ᴀ ᴘᴀʟᴇᴛᴛᴇ / ɢᴏʟᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜʀʟs ᴀɴᴅ ʀᴏsʏ ᴄʜᴇᴇᴋs / ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇsᴘᴇʀᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴛᴏ ᴄʟɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜᴛʜ / ʙᴇᴇs ʟᴀᴢɪʟʏ ᴅʀɪғᴛɪɴɢ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴛʜᴇ ɢʀᴀss / ʜᴇᴅᴏɴɪsᴍ / ᴛʜᴇ ʙʟᴀᴄᴋɴᴇss ᴏғ ᴀ sᴏᴜʟ / ᴀ ᴅᴜsᴛʏ ᴀᴛᴛɪᴄ / ʜɪᴅɪɴɢ sᴇᴄʀᴇᴛs / ʙʟᴏᴏᴅ ᴘᴏᴏʟɪɴɢ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ғʟᴏᴏʀʙᴏᴀʀᴅs / ɢᴜᴛ-ᴡʀᴇɴᴄʜɪɴɢ ᴊᴇᴀʟᴏᴜsʏ / ᴀ ᴅɪᴍʟʏ-ʟɪᴛ sᴛᴀɢᴇ / ᴛᴇᴍᴘᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ɪɴᴛᴏ ᴄᴏʀʀᴜᴘᴛɪᴏɴ.

THE PRIVATE MEMOIRS AND CONFESSIONS OF A JUSTIFIED SINNER ᴄʟɪғғs ʀɪsɪɴɢ ᴜᴘ ɪɴᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʟᴏᴜᴅs / sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴀᴍʙɪɢᴜᴏᴜsʟʏ sᴜᴘᴇʀɴᴀᴛᴜʀᴀʟ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʟᴜʀᴋɪɴɢ / ᴇᴅɪɴʙᴜʀɢʜ’s ᴡɪɴᴅɪɴɢ sᴛʀᴇᴇᴛs / ʀᴇʟɪɢɪᴏᴜs ᴢᴇᴀʟᴏᴛʀʏ / ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴍᴀɴɪᴘᴜʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴ / ғᴀᴍɪʟʏ ʀɪᴠᴀʟʀʏ / ᴀ ʙɪʙʟᴇ ᴡʀɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ɪɴ ᴀɴ ɪɴᴅɪsᴛɪɴɢᴜɪsʜᴀʙʟᴇ ʟᴀɴɢᴜᴀɢᴇ / ᴀ ғᴀᴄᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ’s ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ᴄʜᴀɴɢɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ sʜɪғᴛɪɴɢ / sᴄᴏᴛᴛɪsʜ ʟᴀɪʀᴅs / sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴅᴇᴍᴏɴɪᴄ ᴍᴀsǫᴜᴇʀᴀᴅɪɴɢ ᴀs sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴘᴜʀᴇ. DRACULA ʟᴇᴛᴛᴇʀs ᴀɴᴅ ᴅɪᴀʀɪᴇs / sᴜɪᴛᴏʀs ᴄᴏᴜʀᴛɪɴɢ ᴀ ʟᴀᴅʏ / ᴄᴀsᴛʟᴇs ɴᴇsᴛʟᴇᴅ ᴅᴇᴇᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜɪɴ ғᴏʀᴇsᴛs ᴀɴᴅ ᴍᴏᴜɴᴛᴀɪɴs / ᴛᴇʀʀᴏʀ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴜɴᴋɴᴏᴡɴ / ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴏᴡʟɪɴɢ ᴏғ ᴡᴏʟᴠᴇs / ᴀʀɪsᴛᴏᴄʀᴀᴛs ғʀᴏᴍ ᴏʟᴅᴇɴ ᴛɪᴍᴇs / ᴀ ᴄᴏɴsᴜᴍɪɴɢ ʜᴜɴɢᴇʀ / ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴅ ʀɪsɪɴɢ / ʜᴏʀsᴇs’ ʜᴏᴏᴠᴇs ᴛʜᴜɴᴅᴇʀɪɴɢ ᴀʟᴏɴɢ ᴀ ᴘᴀᴛʜ / ʙʟᴏᴏᴅ sᴛᴀɪɴɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ sɴᴏᴡ / ᴄʀᴜᴄɪғɪxᴇs ᴡᴀʀᴅɪɴɢ ᴏғғ ᴇᴠɪʟ. WUTHERING HEIGHTS ғᴏɢ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴏʀs / ᴇᴍʙʀᴀᴄɪɴɢ ᴏɴᴇ ᴡʜᴏ ɪs ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴅᴇᴀᴅ / ᴀ ᴄʏᴄʟᴇ ᴏғ ᴀʙᴜsᴇ / ᴠɪᴄɪᴏᴜs, sɴᴀʀʟɪɴɢ ᴅᴏɢs / ᴀ ʜᴏᴜsᴇ ʟᴇғᴛ ᴛᴏ ʀᴜɪɴ / ᴀ ᴛʜᴏʀɴ ᴀᴍᴏɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴏsᴇs / ᴛᴏxɪᴄ ʟᴏᴠᴇ / ɢʜᴏsᴛs / ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴏᴡʟɪɴɢ ᴡɪɴᴅ / ғʟᴏᴡᴇʀs ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴅɪᴇᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ʙᴇɢᴜɴ ᴛᴏ ʀᴏᴛ / ᴡᴀsᴛɪɴɢ ᴀᴡᴀʏ / ᴀ ᴠᴏɪᴄᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ’ᴛ ɪᴅᴇɴᴛɪғʏ. tagging: @estamba, @lauriston-larkspur, @bluefirevaldyr

[anweenaisenhart]

“.. I miss smoking...  it wasn’t this hard last time.”

[anweenaisenhart]

Dear Smoky Greeneyes,

I miss you. I hope you’re okay. I still can’t believe you did that, and caught him and everything. I’m glad you’re not dead - I’d have felt it with the knife I guess? Even so, I miss you. And that’s probably stupid to even write, and I feel stupid for writing it, because probably the last time we talked was the last time we will talk because

Considering that we only spent two weekends together I have no reason to expect

I hope we can still be friends. You’re probably busy and I still can’t believe you did that for me. I honestly don’t know why you did it? Why did you?

Please be okay. I miss you.

-Freckles

@chronomancer-aiden

[luxelen]

While rummaging through paperwork piled up on his work desk, the Chronomancer found Anweena’s letter again – an uncomfortable reminder that he still owed her some form of reply.

He read its contents again, re-reading a third time.  Fetching his silver quill, the man proceeded to pen a reply.

Freckles, I am well, thank you for asking.  I trust you had a good Zephyr?

Work has kept me occupied, as usual.  I hope you’ve been settling and adapting to your new life as Lady Isenhart and taking care of your son. As for my wedding gift to you, it was the right thing to do.  You deserved retribution, and that miserable git had to be rid of, sent to the depths of The Underworld where the likes of him belong.  And I can only imagine it felt cathartic for you to give him the final fatal blow.  You earned it.

I wish you well this Season of the Phoenix.  And yes, we are friends, Anweena.

~A

(( @anweenaisenhart ))

[anweenaisenhart]

[anweenaisenhart]

Climax

TW: rape, gaslighting, abuse

Continued from this hella-long arc

I walked into the long room where the wedding presents had been. Where I knew that he would be. What I held in my hand was only natural, really.

There was a long case - a casket, really, but he lay on a low table nearby, covered to the neck with a blanket. His face - looking at his face - was like being punched in the gut.

I remembered the first time I met him, in Rata Sum. How he’d once loved Tasha, Malachi’s wife. Speaking with me about elementalism when he was still called Bastion, and claimed to be worried about my deep ties to Water. I remembered him hugging me briefly, and the feeling of his arousal against me.

Even as Bastion, his flesh had wanted mine.

And then when he was Kristoff, and he wasn’t Bastion any more. I remembered how he reached into me somehow, and woke me, and then he took me, and then after madness and blood?

I remember - how can I ever forget? - trying dimly to heal myself in the Ocean, trying to use Water to make the pain stop. And him finding me like a bloodhound.

And raping me.

What else can you call it? I told him no. I didn’t want it.

And he made my body respond and react despite me. 

And that was how he kept doing it to me. He convinced me that because my traitor body would climax to his skilled hands, I belonged to him. He made me believe that he was the only man who would ever love me. Would ever truly desire me.

Wasn’t he right, after all? Malachi married Tasha, and fucked me on the side. When he made himself twice-married and me a convenience, a lie legally told, whatever I felt was meaningless, wasn’t it? He left me to Kristoff’s tender mercies, to go and be a pirate again. I never was important to him beyond being a young body to bed.

And that’s been my life, honestly. An after-thought, a fuckable body that men expect me to give to them. It was like being locked into a prison.

No one made that more clear to me than Kristoff after he proved to me again and again that what I hoped for, what I wanted in life, didn’t matter as much as his plans for me. He made me feel jealous - how sick is that? - when he’d come to me stinking of Hart’s sex. Just a man with his cock forever out, intent on fucking the world. And me his toy, trapped and afraid.

Seeing him now brought it all home. Brought it all back. Made the world spin, made my pulse throb on my ears. I could feel Fire in my veins, burning at my fingertips as I walked up to the supine form of my tormentor. I heard the door open behind me, and I didn’t need to turn to know that my family had stepped in. Father. Uncle. Reiner, Kalonah... 

I knew instinctively that they were there to support me. No one spoke, though father coughed once.

I felt rage. I felt fury. But for all I knew, he wouldn’t hear them.

“Wake him up.”

Had I said that? Had I ordered it? It certainly seemed so.

Father stepped into view, and his face was very pale and set. I could almost feel his emotions. I walled them off, and returned my stare to the bronze skin of the man who had shattered me like a well placed blow against a fragile vase. Others had made it possible for him to break me.

But he’d been the one who finally did it.

I watched his eyes open. Golden.

And before I could let myself feel afraid, I spoke. 

“What you did to me was wrong. I was not made to be yours, or your belonging. I am NO one’s possession, and the elements did not design me to be a thing for your use or your abuse. I belong to myself only, and I decide my life. I decide who I want to have a child with. I am not, and I never was, your vessel, Kristoff.”

I heard the indrawn breath, the sound of anger behind me, and knew it was Reiner. But bless whoever held him back, because that was all I heard.

I had more to say, and if I lost steam, I might not say it.

“The fact that you made my flesh reach climax is meaningless, Kristoff. A wiser woman than I am told me about a funny thing: that when someone puts a sleeping person’s hand in warm water, they tend to piss. My body’s reaction was nothing more than piss and you were just a glass full of really arrogant, seriously used water. It definitely didn’t mean you had any right to me, or rights over me.”

I took a step closer and stared directly down at him. There was a little smirk on his lips, and I knew he was mustering clever, commanding words.

“You think I should listen to you now, and hear you. But Kristoff, your opinion doesn’t actually matter, and you don’t matter. You. Don’t. Matter.”

And then I drove the dagger I was holding into his throat.

And I stood watching him die, and I didn’t cry. I wanted to see the pain, and the shock. I did. It didn’t actually make me feel good, and it didn’t take away the pain he’d caused me.

It was just something that had to be done to know he could never hurt anyone else ever again.

Crying later in the supportive arms of my family. Of my husband. I knew that like I knew the sun would come up in the morning.

Later, they told me that they’d taken their vengeance, and wondered that I hadn’t. But I didn’t need to. It was never about vengeance for me. It was, at the end, not even about hate. It wasn’t about him at all.

It was about hearing myself say those things to him, and knowing they were truth. 

I belong to myself. And no one has the right to choose for me. Who I could have been may have been forever changed by what I went through. But who I will be now is for me and only me to decide.

( @chronomancer-aiden in case killin’ him with The Dagger triggers anything!)

[anweenaisenhart]

Dear Smoky Greeneyes,

I miss you. I hope you’re okay. I still can’t believe you did that, and caught him and everything. I’m glad you’re not dead - I’d have felt it with the knife I guess? Even so, I miss you. And that’s probably stupid to even write, and I feel stupid for writing it, because probably the last time we talked was the last time we will talk because

Considering that we only spent two weekends together I have no reason to expect

I hope we can still be friends. You’re probably busy and I still can’t believe you did that for me. I honestly don’t know why you did it? Why did you?

Please be okay. I miss you.

-Freckles

@chronomancer-aiden

[anweenaisenhart]

“I get forgotten, or I was never the first one noticed at all. I wish so badly that neither of these things were true. But they are, and that’s my life. An afterthought or a vanished memory. Only family cares. Only family notices. The only man I’ve ever been the most important woman in the world to is my son. The only genuinely awesome thing I ever did, and am proud of.”

[anweenaisenhart]

tagged by @luxelen

Lux you’re terrible and this IS rather addictive.

[anweenaisenhart]

Song Prompt

tagged by @chronomancer-aiden

A - Tori Amos: A Sorta Fairytale N - Sinead O’Connor: Nothing Compares 2 U W - Rough Trade: Weapons E - Metric: Empty E - Enya: Exile N - Kate Bush: Nocturne A - Bjork: Army of Me I -  Tina Turner: I Can’t Stand the Rain S - Tori Amos: Spark E - No Doubt: Ex-Girlfriend N - Dido: No Freedom H - Sarah McLachlan: Hold On A - Loreena McKennit: All Soul’s Night R - Alanis Morisette: Right Through You T - Sinead O’Connor: Thief of Your Heart

also

F - Peaches: Fuck the Pain Away I - The Bangles: If She Knew What She Wants T - Nelly Furtado: Try Z - The Cranberries: Zombie V - Sarah McLachlan: Vox A - Chambawamba: Amnesia L - Of Monsters and Men: Little Talks D - Austra: Darken her Horse Y - Jane Siberry: You Don’t Need R - No Doubt: Running

Did her pre-married last name for extra songs!

tagging: @oasisobeyola, @andreiberan, @dreamsofnightmare, @stellasparkles

[anweenaisenhart]

“What? I’m a tiger. A.. a fire tiger. Tigeress.”

[anweenaisenhart]

[anweenaisenhart]

[reinerisenhart]

[anweenaisenhart]

[anweenaisenhart]

[anweenaisenhart]

♥ Do they have a ‘type’?

“I don’t know. I have a hope more than a type, but it’s not a hope I believe in really. Not anymore.”