The Anxious Faun

This is where my anxiety lives

[anxiousfaun-blog]

Pregnancy After A Loss

This time was different.

There was no cute “You’re going to be a dad” card, or a surprise announcement set up when he got home from work. I just told him, and he said “Oh” and I said “Yeah”. Neither of us knew the right thing to do, so we effectively did nothing. I’m afraid to let myself get attached to the idea. I’m afraid to let myself be hopeful that this won’t end in another rush of blood all over my mothers bathroom, and sobbing in her arms until I could barely breath. I’ve avoided going to the doctor because I don’t want to be sent for tests, and subsequently get phone calls from concerned nurses that my hCG isn’t what it should be. I don’t want to watch another ultrasound technician squinting her eyes to see something... anything, where something should be. I don’t want to wait in that dimly lit room while she rounds up a doctor to come in and confirm what we already fear.

It’s a strange and anxiety-filled place to be. Pregnant after a loss.

I don’t feel like I fit in most of the PAL support groups. So many of those ladies had late-pregnancy losses. They know the gender of the baby that died. Their baby WAS a baby, not a grain of rice that was there one day and then gone. I feel silly about how fearful I am, when I didn’t have to endure giving birth to an infant that didn’t live, like so many of them.

But I *am* fearful.

I am fretting over the fact that I don't have any morning sickness.

"It's just like last time" my brain repeats, over and over.  Last time I ignored the lack of symptoms.  How blissfully naive I was.  I had only known 2 healthy text-book pregnancies.  I didn't know anything about loss.

But now I do.

My first-trimester loss, less than a year ago, makes it impossible to feel hopeful about this pregnancy.  I try in vain to reassure myself that this time will be different.  I tell myself that my body has produced two healthy children, and that there is no reason it won't do so again.  Except last time, it didn't, and maybe it never will again.

I know that I won't live in this fearfulness forever.  I know that there will be hope, and love, and that whatever happens I will make it through.  My track record for getting through bad days is 100%, as I often remind myself.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

Here we go again. Fingers crossed it sticks this time

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Pinecones! Ideas for non-florals

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Dress inspiration! Getting a custom dress made, based on these and similar designs. First fitting at the end of March, so lots of fitness motivation there.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

Keep Calm And Plan On

As we can't TTC again for a while I'm just going to use this space for fitness/wedding related things for now. I've been juicing and eating seitan and tempeh for a couple of days, and I'm down 4lbs. I know it's mostly water, but it's giving me a little boost of motivation right now. I just keep on keepin on.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

A Long Start To The Journey

My miscarriage didn't complete. There was residual "products of conception" in my uterus. After two weeks of bleeding, and three days of abdominal pain, I had enough, and went to get checked out. 13 hours in emergency, four internal ultrasounds, and suddenly pouring blood all over a doctors office, and they rushed me in for an emergency D&C. My best friend, Olive, stayed with me almost the entire day while I waited for surgery. Leif is out of town for work. Even though I was scared, I put up a brave front. They took me in at 10:45pm and I was in recovery by 11:30. I don't remember any of it, thanks to the sedation. Olive was there with a wheel chair when I was discharged, drove me home, and had a pizza party with me at 2am. I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours. Today she doted on me, cleaned my house, and let me take it easy. I feel pretty ok, hardly any bleeding, almost no cramping. She took me for supper and we spent over three hours talking and laughing. I came home alone to a tidy home, an empty home. Leif won't be home for two more sleeps. I miss him terribly. My gynaecologist says we can try again after I have one normal period. I don't know if I will be emotionally ready then. Only time will tell.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

Any time I think of our loss I cry. So, like multiple times a day, whenever I am not distracting myself. I don't know how to recover from this. I just hurt, like I never knew I could.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

Trigger Warning

It started with light bleeding on Christmas Eve. Thank Gods I got through the most intense parts of the holidays. On the 28th, while we were still at my mothers, I got in the shower around 6pm because the pain was getting bad. Suddenly it was like a tsunami of blood and then the clots started coming. I panicked, and I am usually so level headed. But I felt like I might faint, and there was just so much blood. I texted my mom, and she came into the bathroom to find me sobbing. I hugged her, I don't think she's seen me stark naked since I was little, but she just held me and reassured me that I was going to be ok. She gathered towels and helped me get out of the shower and onto the toilet. She cleaned the blood off my legs while I sat there and cried and cried. Once I was fairly calm she went to get me some pyjamas and underwear and pads (mine were all at the guest house). Leif slipped in to see if I was ok and just held me tight as a new wave of tears came. My mom returned and helped me get dressed, and then Leif helped me out to the couch. I tried to play it cool for a while, because more family arrived to visit, but I just couldn't. So I went upstairs to the loft, where there was a bathroom I could occupy less conspicuously. There was also a futon made up for sleeping, where I could lay immediately after exiting the bathroom. I spent the next 6+ hours there, in agony, with Leif rarely leaving my side. He brought me water, and watched over me while I laboured and passed dozens of clots and so much blood I thought I was going to die. He kept reassuring me, but I could tell he was worried. My mom kept popping up, and finally I asked that my aunt be told so she could come up. She's had half a dozen miscarriages, and I just wanted to know I wasn't going to die. She was wonderful, even though she didn't know what to say. At the peak of it all I felt light headed and feint when I was in the bathroom. Between bouts of being on the toilet, I collapsed onto the bed, sweating but cold to the touch. Leif kept checking my capillary refill and I knew he was on the verge of loading me up and rushing me to the hospital, 45 minutes away. My aunt brought me a heating pad and some ibuprofen. I gratefully accepted both, which helped immensely. The pain decreased, and eventually so did the bleeding, and I was finally able to doze some. I just felt frail and weak. Leif curled up beside me, even though the futon was much too small for us both. At around 1am I felt ok enough to send him to the guest house to sleep. My moms room was nearby if I needed anything. After insisting that he go, he reluctantly slipped downstairs and left. I slept, but not soundly. Time passed in weird spurts and I woke up disoriented at 7:15am. There was already a text from Leif asking if I was ok. I texted him back that I was awake and he said he was going to have a quick shower and get dressed before coming to me. That day I felt so drained. I was very pale, and lethargic, and weak. Leif said that it was to be expected, between the blood loss and lack of sleep and the overall trauma my body had been through. Everyone was so gentle and kind to me. Leif and I just clung to each other, in our mutual pain and suffering. Eventually I braved a shower and got dressed. Leif went to the guest house to pack our things and strip the bed for my mom. While he was there he broke down and wept, and he told his siblings over text message what had happened (even though he had adamantly kept it a secret up to that point). He wouldn't let me do anything myself that day, he was such a shining star, despite his own suffering and deep grief. He is not usually so doting, but I surrendered, and just let him look after me. Since then, I've been slowly recovering physically. Yesterday we went for a walk and I could only go half a dozen blocks before being tired out. I am still bleeding some, almost a week later, but it's fairly light. At night, when I'm not distracted, my heart breaks with sadness and I cry silently in the dark. Leif holds me close and promises we will be alright. I believe him, even in moments of soul crushing grief. I know we will make it through, and we will try again. For now I let myself feel the sadness.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

Bloodletting For Days

My actual doctor called me today to see how I'm doing and discuss our loss. She is technically on maternity leave but wanted to follow up with me. She's so sweet, she asked me if I wanted to come in and speak to her, even though she's supposed to be off. She's referring me to an early pregnancy loss clinic, and understands that I don't want a D&C. She said if nothing has happened in two weeks that they might give me a course of meds that will get the ball rolling. Also I'm supposed to do a bunch of follow up blood work and an ultrasound once everything has passed. Just to make sure everything is cleared. My hCG has only gone up by 12,000 in two weeks which definitely reinforces that a miscarriage is imminent. We are supposed to wait at least two cycles after this miscarriage is over before we try again. That's disappointing, it feels so far away. I know my body needs to get back to normal, I just want to be pregnant so bad.

[ablogforyoungmommys]

Babies cry. They cry to let us know that they need something. And when we don’t respond to those cries, it causes them undue amounts of stress.

Science has shown that stress in infancy can result in enduring negative impacts on the brain. Prolonged cries in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and decreases oxygenation to the brain. Excessive crying results in an oversensitive stress system (likened to a faulty burglar alarm in one book) that can lead to a fear of being alone, separation anxiety, panic attacks and addictions. Harvard researchers found that it makes them more susceptible to stress as adults and changes the nervous system so that they are overly sensitive to future trauma.

Chronic stress in infancy can also lead to an over-active adrenaline system, which results in the child using increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence. Another study showed that persistent crying episodes in infancy is linked with a 10 times greater chance of the child having ADHD, resulting in poor school performance and antisocial behaviour. 

[ablogforyoungmommys]

(Source 1: Stress in Infancy may sensitive kids to later stress exposure)

(Source 2: Crying it out damages baby’s brain)

(Source 3: The effects of excessive crying)

[anxiousfaun-blog]

Maybe the "cry it out" method is the reason we have so many young people with debilitating anxiety issues...

[anxiousfaun-blog]

While I am waiting to begin TTC again, I'm going to focus hard on losing some weight and getting healthier. I want to set myself up for success, so that come 2017 my chances of conceiving are just as good, if not better.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

I Was Here, But Now I'm Gone

Fetal Demise The words hit me like a freight train, taking my breath away, even as we sat quietly in the office of an unfamiliar doctor. I could see Leif physically recoil, out of the corner of my eye. My regular doctor is gone on maternity leave and so we got shuffled to whoever could see us. His extremely heavy accent deterred me from asking questions, even though I have many. He read aloud the report from the ultrasound, even though a wonderfully sensitive and sympathetic tech and doctor had already told us the devastating results. I was given blood work requisition forms for two rounds of hCG tests, to make sure the numbers are going down. No mention of any other tests or interventions. I was both relieved and annoyed. I would have at least liked the option. To feel like I had choices, even if they are all terrible. There hasn't been any bleeding since the other night. Plenty of cramping, and brown discharge, but nothing else. Every time I go to the bathroom I brace myself, but in reality, I just wish it could be over so that we can move forward.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

The Dreams In Which I'm Dying Are The Best I've Ever Had

My best friend of almost 20 years came over yesterday to look after me for a while and make me an amazing lunch. Super comfort food. The first time I ever cried on her shoulder we were 15. Back then, in 10th grade, I was weeping over some silly high school crush. She held me in her arms and comforted me. Yesterday, all these years and a lifetime of love and loss later, she hugged me tight while I cried bitter tears for the baby I won't be having come July. She's the most amazing person. Most persons in my life have never seen me shed a tear. Crying is for the weak my inner voices hiss whenever I find myself welling up with emotion. My other closest friend, whom I have seen almost daily over the course of our 4 year friendship, has never been allowed to witness such a personal moment of vulnerability. I even hide, mostly unsuccessfully, from Leif. My pain is often private, which is why nobody knows about this blog. Regardless, the presence of my dearest friend was such a comfort to me. She allows me to speak aloud the most heartbreaking of feelings, and she cradles them all so carefully, giving me momentary respite from the weight of it all. She stayed until shortly after Leif got home, and then departed to her own evening job, making me promise to notify her when the actual physical part of this miscarriage begins. "I will come and be with you and look after you" she said. There was no opening to resist, not that I wanted to. It goes against every fibre of my being to surrender and allow myself to be coddled and cared for. However, she better than anyone knows my ways, and refuses to allow me to withdraw this time. I'm grateful for her tenacity. Last night Leif and I curled up on the couch with the kids to watch movies. I had a lot of cramping, and when I went to the bathroom before bed, there was some blood. Bright red, unexpected and yet anticipated all at once. I drew a sharp breath when I saw it. The last shred of hope dying inside of me. I hadn't realized until that moment that some part of me was telling itself that the ultrasound was wrong. That our tiny Godzilla was still there, just hidden. The part of me that willfully ignored my decreasing symptoms this past week. I was prepared for something more dramatic, but thus far a splash of bright red and a few smudges of pink are all that have transpired over several trips to the bathroom. I don't know what that means, but we have an appointment with the doctor this morning, so I hope I get some answers there.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

We went for our second scan yesterday. After looking for several minutes the tech said she couldn't see anything inside the gestational sac. She went to consult the doctor, who came to see us after what felt like hours of bleak sadness. I heard her say no baby. That it was gone. She seemed sorry. Told us to follow up with my regular doctor, and then parted saying "take as long as you need" before closing the door. I looked at Leif, who was sitting there stunned and numb. I began crying and he got up and came to me, but his arms around me were cold and distant. "We should go" he said quietly. I composed myself and followed him out. I could feel his sorrow and also his barely-masked resentment. I could tell he was blaming me, as though I had willed this to happen. We'd been fighting for days over his pornography addiction. I had threatened to leave him. Our wounds from days of conflict were still fresh and weeping, and now this. At first we grieved separately. I turned to research; information my constant friend. Blighted ovum maybe. Who can tell. He went out to work on the truck, returning to the house much later, his hands smeared with grease and blood. I showed him a few tidbits of what I had read in my effort to make sense of it all. Chromosome abnormalities. Can't be helped. Try again in 1-3 cycles. He seemed comforted by it, and he softened towards me. When we crawled into bed that night he held me tight while I cried a river of tears. "We can try again after Christmas" he whispered in the dark. I could only sniffle in agreement. Sleep didn't find me for a long time. My soul and heart are smashed into a million pieces.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

I never like to be cliche but I've been eating pickles for DAYS. I don't want them all the time, but when I do, oh boy, I could eat a whole jar.

[mommydiaries2017]

So what do you think about getting your son circumcised? No one in my family is because I guess in Denmark back then it was mostly seen as a think Jewish people do. If you have sons/are having a son what are you planning to do??

[scheming-with-silas-blog]

I won’t be having Silas circumcised. I was very pro circumcision before I researched it, but once I had done the research I changed my mind. Here are the reasons that changed my mind.

1. It’s not any cleaner than a circumcised baby because the foreskin is still fused to the glans. That’s why if a baby is intact they say never to retract the foreskin because it will tear the membrane that fuses the tissues together possibly creating scar tissue and causing phimosis (when the foreskin can’t go back over the glans). The opening is the size of a pinhole, only allowing urine out and nothing else in. This means that no feces is ever underneath the foreskin. Boys should be taught as they get older to pull back their foreskin and wipe the glans when bathing - it takes an extra 2 seconds. Circumcision on the other hand creates a wound in an unsanitary environment.

2. The risk of UTIs in men is so slight that circumcision isn’t statistically significant enough to warrant it being done to an infant. Proper hygiene and safe sex practices reduce UTIs more than circumcision. Females contract UTIs at substantially higher rates than males but it’s illegal to circumcise a female because it’s genital mutilation.

3. The slightly elevated risk of cervical cancer in female partners can be negated by safe sex practices. Same with the risk of HIV, or any of the other reported benefits regarding STDs. Even if this were true, it’s not a reason to circumcise an infant because they’re not having sex.

4. The risk a baby boy will DIE from his circumcision is higher than the chance a male will need a medical circumcision in his entire life (1 in 11,000 risk of death versus 1 in 16,000 chance of needing a medical circumcision)

5. Circumcision causes a dramatic and immediate spike in the stress hormone cortisol, and the level of cortisol never returns to its pre circumcision level. Elevated cortisol levels cause permanent changes to the amygdala.

6. Removing the foreskin desensitizes the glans to future stimulation, reducing sexual sensation in adulthood. A man should be able to make that decision for himself, not have it made for him by his parents. The foreskin contains somewhere around 20,000 nerve endings just by itself and circumcision removes the most sensitive part of the penis (the frenulum). The foreskin also provides lubrication and protects the glans from possible irritants.

7. Babies can’t be properly anesthetized for the procedure. The most common method of pain relief is an injection at the base of the penis, which doesn’t fully numb the glans area. Babies cannot express pain in any other way besides crying.

8. Circumcision adds another step to diaper changes. Vaseline must be applied to keep the wound from sticking to the diaper or getting covered in urine and feces.

9. Circumcision takes away the baby’s right to genital integrity and bodily autonomy. The baby can not in any way consent to the procedure being done to the most sensitive and private part of his body. It should be a decision that a male makes for himself when he is old enough to understand. Most of the claimed benefits only apply to teenage or adult males and not babies.

[anxiousfaun-blog]

Amen! Leif is circumcised but my son is not, and neither will Godzilla if he's a boy. Circumcision outside of religious practice only became a thing because back in the 20's doctors claimed it would prevent boys from masturbating 😒

[anxiousfaun-blog]

Here's our first photo of Godzilla, who is only the size of a grain of rice.