Learn To Breathe.

Just a place I can write about everything and anything.

[dephus]

Inspirationa/Love Quotes ♡

[wordsnquotes]

You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy.

Andrea Gibson (via wordsnquotes)

[sincerely-mh]

[anxiousthinking-blog1]

Come back.

I’ve been doing better than I thought was possible lately.  I’ve been trying to distract myself so I don’t overwhelm you.  But this isn’t easy.  You disappeared on me yesterday.  At first I tried to just tell myself you were busy with work, but as the night went on and I didn’t hear from you, something felt wrong.  I was scared.  I don’t want to push you away when you seem to be the person I’ve been dreaming of having in my life.  That’s why I’m trying to be stronger for both of us.  But I keep wondering if the damage is already done.  You said you felt down yesterday.  But it’s bothering me that I don’t know if it’s about us or not.  I don’t like not knowing things like this.  I don’t handle being ignored well.  I can’t do the “not talking” thing, as weird as that may seem since it’s sometimes hard for me to talk about what’s bothering me.  A small part of me is telling me not to worry.  But the other majority of me is freaking out.  That’s the fun thing with anxiety.  You don’t get to control your thoughts and overthinking.  Everyday is a struggle.  I beat myself up over a lot that I can’t change about myself.  I don’t like who I am, I want to be me, but better.  I want to be me without this mental illness.  It crushes me that I can’t.  It feels like the tiny chink in my armor, but instead of tiny, it’s huge.  It makes me feel alone.  Like no one can understand me.  Like no one has the patience for me.  I’m wondering if your patience finally ran out.  I’m desperate to know, but terrified to find out.  What are you so down about that you can’t tell me?  Do you not know how badly this makes me worry?  I’m trapped in my room, wondering if you hate me.  Wondering if I saw you for the last time.  Wondering if I’ll ever see you again.  Wondering if I ruined probably the best thing to happen to me in a long time.  I keep wondering what I did wrong when it’s a possibility that it’s not even my fault.  I can’t do the ignoring game anymore.

[anxiousthinking-blog1]

I'm not good at this. Or at anything.

I haven't been keeping up with this blog like I wanted to. I wanted it to be a place of positivity and happiness that I couldn't help but run to. A place to remember all the good things. And after time apart from it, I know that just isn't who I am. Not that I won't write about the good stuff, because I will. I just know that me as a person needs to vent and get out some of my bad thoughts. The anxious ones. Writing seems to have helped me in the past and I think it could help me again. I don't want to scare you away when you might be the greatest thing to happen to me in a long time. So let me give this another try. I've been better these last few days, partially faking it until I make it, but I think it's helped a little. But before I was miserable. I was upset. I felt alone. I felt misunderstood, and part of me still does. I just don't know how to tell you. You're honestly so good. Too good. And it terrifies me a little bit. Because if I know myself, and I do, I'm going to get used to how good you are, and I'm going to become dependent on it. And I'm trying my hardest not to be that way. Sometimes I wish I could show you how hard it can be to be trapped in your mind all day, battling thoughts you know you shouldn't have. It's frustrating. Sometimes it feels hopeless. Sometimes I spiral into depression from it and all I can do is sleep. It sucks, but it's the hand I've been dealt. I'm alive and healthy, I have to be thankful for that at least. Even though you've given me no real reason not to trust you, I still get jealous over things I know I shouldn't. A lot of things bothered me. What you said about marrying a girl with different colored eyes crushed me even though I didn't let it show. I felt so replaceable over something so minor, and that hurt. I told myself over and over that it didn't mean anything and you didn't mean it, but I couldn't get it out of my head. It got to the point that it burst out and I made you feel attacked for it. I didn't mean to, I was just trying to explain to you as an example of something that hurt my feelings and tell you why so that maybe it wouldn't happen again. I didn't mean to attack you. I'm still confused on where I went wrong honestly. And that was even more upsetting. I never feel like I do anything right. And I thought for sure that I knew how to say it, but clearly I didn't. I was hurt and I hurt you and I'm still kicking myself for it weeks later. When you told me you were going to take your coworker for ice cream because her engagement was ending, I lost my mind. Ice cream was our first date and all I could imagine was you taking another girl out on a date like ours. It made me feel less special. And I couldn't let it go. I couldn't shake the thought. It ruined my whole day and even ruined my morning the day it was supposed to happen. I cried before you left for work because I felt like there was a chance I was going to lose the one guy that seemed good. I don't think you'll ever fully appreciate or understand how hard dating and trusting people is for me. Especially guys. I was raped only a few years ago by my boyfriend's cousin. I moved states for a guy that cheated on me for 3/4ths of our relationship. I almost did it again for a guy who emotionally and mentally abused me over and over again. More often than not, I have been left for someone else or not good enough for someone and had my heart broken for it. It's not that I don't trust you. I do trust you. What I don't trust is myself. I don't trust myself to be good enough to hold your attention. And I'm sorry you have to experience my level of crazy. But four out of five anxieties. That's how many I suffer from. OCD, Social, General and Panic Disorder. It's not easy to be me. The OCD in me holds onto a thought and obsesses over it, repeating it to myself over and over. I want to let it go but I can't. Please don't think it's that easy because it isn't. Then the General comes into play and begins the train of other thoughts to tag along with the one I'm obsessed over. Snowballing it into something worse. The Social anxiety makes it hard to find the words to talk about what's wrong. Sometimes it takes me minutes to form a simple sentence because I have too many thoughts filling my brain and I can't focus on one at a time. Sometimes I worry that there's so much on my mind that I won't say everything and then I'll remember something later that I missed and will want to bring it up but can't because I don't want to seem like I'm digging up the past when really I just couldn't find the words before. I know I'm supposed to talk about how I feel. But what if I don't know how I feel? What if it's just nothing but confusion? What if you don't understand I know some of these thoughts are bad and I shouldn't have them? What if you think I'm crazy and won't want to deal with me anymore? This is what I'm talking about. Snowballing. The Panic rarely happens to me, but when it does, I can't breathe, I can't focus. I can't do anything. My heart races so hard I think it's going to burst through my chest. This is usually when I'm scared about something happening when I'm feeling anxious. It's such a vicious cycle, and I'm not sure you'll ever understand just how truly difficult it is to be me sometimes. I'm not saying my life is hard. No. But having my brain is so hard. I'm 26 years old and still don't know how to handle myself. I'm just hoping you'll finally be the one to understand that I don't even understand. I just want you to be the one that tries. Please be that person for me. I don't want to start over again.

[anxiousthinking-blog1]

Date three.

I won’t lie, I was a bit impatient to see you but I was trying to play it off cool. When I asked about going to the junkyard and seeing you in the same day that was me doing my best lol. I was pretty happy when you invited yourself to my junkyard excursion, I wanted to ask you to come but I wasn’t sure if you’d want to. Not like there’s H1s in there laying around. So I was happy to share that time with you. But just happening to be near your house the day before was a complete bonus. So yeaaaahhh maybe I invited myself over but you could have said no right? I was pretty happy you didn’t and that you stayed up for me. Talking until 2 in the morning, waking up early the next day before my alarm because I was too excited. Getting sonic in the morning with you and spending the rest of the day laying in bed with you just talking and cuddling, ugh. Perfect. When you rubbed my back without me even hinting I wanted it, oh my god I just melted.

[anxiousthinking-blog1]

Date two.

Our first ice cream date had us wanting more. We spent so much of the next day texting through Instagram and talking about when the next time would be. Which we decided on the day after. I was nervous about going to your house, I didn't know what to expect and I wasn't sure what your living situation would be but I was curious so I had to know. The fact that you lived on your own and not with your parents was such a huge thing for me. I want someone with their shit together and you're proving to be that guy in every way so far. I liked that you gave me a brief tour of the house, made me feel welcome and not just quarantined to your room lol. Well spent so much time laying around giggling and touching and kissing in your room that I hadn't realized how late it was and I admitted I was hungry. Immediately you took action and listed 10 places we could go eat. When I didn't know what to pick, you picked for me. When we were at the restaurant and I didn't know what to order and you ordered for me... and fucking nailed it... I was amazed. You literally blew my mind on that date, I was so happy. And then we went back to your house where I stayed the night, we had sex and I became a mush. I didn't want to have sex with you so soon honestly, but there's just something about you that I can't keep myself away from. I'm so attracted to you in every way possible it's bizarre. You made me change my mind on it entirely. You continued to win me over with your humor throughout the whole day. And like Bree and I said, you're handsome.

[anxiousthinking-blog1]

Date one.

We had our first date a week ago today. When you asked me if I wanted to get ice cream I was excited and nervous all at the same time. I got to Baskin Robbins at exactly 9:30 and feeling relieved that I made it there first. I was so nervous texting Bree to let her know I was there and waiting and how I would text her after. I remember texting her as soon as I saw your hummer go by, my stomach dropped I was so excited to meet you. I was thankful that you had brought the Hummer, it made it so much easier for me not to be awkward. But when you stepped out of your truck, my stomach dropped. You're so much cuter in person I couldn't believe it. And you were so nice, I felt silly for worrying that you might be a douche. I liked when you asked if there was a place we could eat outside instead of sitting in because I didn't want to be in. Eating ice cream in the back of your Hummer was perfect, sorry you don't fit as well as I do back there haha. I honestly couldn't even tell you what we talked about for hours, I just know that we talked for hours and I was so happy about it. When we were sitting on top of the H1 and you put your hand on my back, I wondered if you could see the smile I got from it. I loved that gentle touch of yours. I would have sat all night next to you on that Hummer talking, kissing, touching. I loved every moment of it and I didn't want it to end. I was so amazed by how great you were that I was nothing but smiles laying in bed after.