anys' journal

digital journal

[anysathyrah]

241231 peace

today's date is 31st December 2024. in Islamic calendar, it's the 1st of Rejab, where it's said that all your prayers will be answered, sooner or later.

to be honest, I couldn't ask for anything. I am so lost..

I think about 2024, I think about what I did on this date last year, thank goodness, anis 2023 loved taking pictures, and she was actually finding a paediatric case to present. and I skipped through gallery, looking at January 2024 and I see the start of a bad memory.

it's so stupid that one bad incident/accident/funeral can make the entire year look bad. But those memories made me hate 2024 more than ever. I cried a lot more than I'm supposed to. I felt lonelier more than I'm supposed to. It still makes me cry whenever I think about it.

Maybe, I hope for some peace. And happiness. And gain new insights. Rediscover my interest in what I'm doing. Telling more truths. Make peace with the past. Finding back my strength to overcome it once more. Less crying. But not overwhelming happiness, just enough to make me feel at ease. Pass my exam. Finally graduating. Finally getting a job. Finally become useful. No more comparing myself to others. No more degrading myself. No more thoughts of unaliving myself. Make myself nearer to Him. Live and become someone useful if not to somebody, become useful to yourself.

I have not made any new year resolutions, I mean, big resolutions. Uhmmm.... I guess the paragraph up there are my resolutions for the year. I am actually scared if I think up ahead, because I put so much expectations on myself, only to get disappointed by myself. No one can hurt me more than myself.

........... I also want to love myself more.

[forever-deep-in-thought]

I stopped asking the universe for a match, I've accepted that I'm not a good catch.

[anysathyrah]

241127 Headphones

I want to type down my current feeling on tumblr instead of my journal, because... I'm lazy? but I also know that one day I'll write this down.

I thought about the first thing I want to buy when I finally have my own money. It will be a headphone. A really, really nice, noise cancelling headphones, AirPod Max or the expensive Sony one.

Reason being: I like to immersed myself with good quality songs. it makes me feel like I can tune out the outside world, and my own chaotic mind, ughh how do I explain this, I absolutely love the vibrations, the spatial listening, the instruments, the voices. And I like to hear it in depth, you know.

I use Apple Music more than Spotify. It has really good quality yknow??? There are sounds that I never heard in Spotify, but I can hear it in Apple Music. That's like my solid reason of using AM than Spotify, even though... lots of KPop stuff posts on Spotify for instance, seungkwan's cover "as it was" :( such a shame that he sang it really well and I like his voice.

long story short, I want a headphone.

p/s: btw... SINCE WHEN APPLE RELEASED PURPLE AIRPOD MAX???

[anysathyrah]

241124 it felt super nice

I wrote about this in my journal but I feel like I want to address it again (I am also very lazy to write it again) hence here I am, in my dusty tumblr :)

between my last post and today's post, it has been.... a lot. I felt very lost, worse than I have ever felt in 25 years of life. it sucks thinking about it, and I have been shutting myself out from people. I've been depressed, anxious, insomniac, suicidal even, and I can say this; I'm healing slowly.

while searching for videos to help me sleep, I came across bunch of asmr videos, while the english ones are cringy, I like the korean ones, and one of those youtubers I followed were called binnie asmr. I kinda depended on his video to help me sleep. after awhile, I decided to take a peep to his discord, just to explore a bit here and there.

exploring is scary, and I was weirded out by the way these people talk but I also find out that the vibes there are somewhat... warm. like they're strangers but they speak really kind. there's this section? server? slot? idk, a section called well-being where they shared some hard stuff which I feel so warm even though the words they say aren't for me. it felt super nice...

I'm trying to find the courage to say hello.... but I have always been a silent reader....

maybe I gathered my courage one of these days to say that I appreciate this... warmth.

[forever-deep-in-thought]

You'd rather tell a lie, than let anyone see you cry.

[hoshingi]

SEUNGKWAN ✯ 240628 Maestro

[anysathyrah]

240703 drawing closer

this thought came to me long time ago when I started watching movies/dramas likens drawing closer.

if you don't know the movie, it's a new Japanese movie on Netflix, based off a novel; a story of a teenage boy who have 1 year to live, met with a girl who have 6 months to live.

those stories that ends with the death of a character. to say I love it so much... it felt grotesque? but I do have a soft spot for these type of movies. I watched ... like A LOT of them.

drawing closer, attack on titan, demon slayer, indonesian movies like 172 days, ketika berhenti di sini, kukira kau rumah, korean dramas like uncontrollably fond, chocolate, if you wish upon me, english movies like the whale, clouds, all the bright places and etc. there's actually a lot but i forgot a lot....

side note: ohhh I especially felt painful if its young teenagers, like attack on titan? why the hell the universe put the burden of multiple consequences on a boy and write him to death?????????

I'm an empath, a big empath on top of that, and I can really felt the pain of the characters, if they hurt their hand, I could feel them. so when they felt pain of losing someone, I guess I want to feel that too.

I want to feel the pain for a multitude of reasons 1) so that I can get ready if I ever encounter those events 2) so that I can get ready of things to say and do for my loved ones if I happen to be the one leaving them 3) I lost my grandfathers, on both side and I don't know if what I'm experiencing is grief - my parents doesn't even show their grief? so yeah...

reason number 2 is what makes want to watch more stories like that. I want to know if I could do anything to ease the pain of people who are going to lose me. I want to look at death as pretty as it can be. drawing closer depicts it so beautifully.

in reality, I hate death. I don't like the idea of death, if I'm being honest. because death cause lots of pain to lots of people, including me, an empath, who doesn't even really know someone that well but their death impacts me (example: jonghyun). but I also feel like anyone going through these permanent losses are really strong people. because they keep on living. and I always look up on them.

if one day, if any those stories that I've watched become true to me, I just hope that if I'm the one being left behind, I would be able to stand strong and live my life with them inside me. and if I'm the one leaving, I just hope they remember me as much as I remember them. despite me telling people that I'm forgetful, but I have never forget the feelings they made me feel.

[anysathyrah]

240601 an afterthought

How many stories and experiences that can be an assurance that I am on the right path and the right way to live and fulfilling the purpose of my life?

That was an afterthought after I read a bit of a book I found while rummaging through my kpop stuff. Okay, the thing is, I am packing my stuff for my (possibly last) holiday, en-route to Penang in less than 3 hours to go, and like I said, I am trying to find seventeen stuff that I can bring home for alia, and then I found this book, On Becoming A Doctor, which I have no memory of when I bought it, but I took it out because I think it has come to that time that I can relate with the book.

But while reading back the first few pages of the book, the writer of that section graduated from Monash medical school in 2017. I remember a thread I read in twitter (im not gonna call it X, it's hideous) that she was a houseman, 7 years ago, and during her time, there were about 8-9 houseman responsible for only just one ward. My friends, 2024 houseman now, one houseman per ward and sometimes they don't even have medical officers with them.

Medical life is definitely unpredictable. Like how water flows, there's uncertainty to what the future holds. You can admire the stories from the past, but there's no guarantee that the same thing will come to you. More than often, the perks you heard and made you wanted to be a doctor are all luxuries.

All you can hope is that you'll be able to float well and survive well.

Despite everything, I guess the reward is the same. The satisfaction when you recieved a thank you note from your patient, a mere exchange full of warmth, the patient's smile when they got discharged.

I feel like I'm going to grit my teeth and try my best to do well in housemanship. After all, I am my daddy's daughter, whom he believes that I have the tenancy to survive anything.

[anysathyrah]

240215 my heart flutters and I'm flattered

last night, I played games online with my friends, my graduated friends who are waiting for their housemanship placement. we played lots of mini games while waiting for our friends to go online to play among us. among of those mini games on discord were scrabble-looking things and I had the most win kekekeke. but like going through that game, one of my friends, I knew him but not that much knew him, he commented about me writing poetries and I excitedly say yes (even though I haven't write one in a while).

also, I'm pretty sure that he never follows me on instagram, so I'm wondering where on Earth did he know I write poems (or did my poetry self-announce?)

anyway, my heart always flutter when someone tells me that they know I write. I told lots of people, even gifted some of them my poems but somehow people like him, whom I rarely have interactions with them, make it feel like people actually knows poetry?

that leads me to this one thought: when he said that he really read my poems, does he meant it well?

I used to have the mindset of "I don't care what people say about my poetry, I only care if he reads" towards one person I have known my whole life, the one who stole my book and gave me passion to write poetry. then my whole poetry universe centralized around him even though he was never there ever since them.

then he came and tell me that he likes reading my poetry but in my mind, all I was thinking of about my original muse. and even got mad at him for wanting to be someone I write about.

maybe he saw that I was being blind?

I came across a tiktok that says, between the person you love someone and the person that loves you, always choose the latter.

I think it's true.... in some ways. I actually believed in that, once upon a time.....

hahhhhhhhhh.....

[anysathyrah]

240110 we had our head in the clouds

my tokayah's passing and being brought down by covid, I somehow feel like I wasn't here physically for almost a week. yeap. 10 days into 2024, I couldn't feel anything for five days.

my tokayah got really sick around December. it has something to do with his liver and gallbladder but I actually ignore it because it's going to mess my mind. because I know what it is, what was the problem but because I'm not there and I'm not a doctor yet, and that these things actually took a toll of my mental health that I kinda ignore it.

bs, I know. my mom; my tokayah's children, their mental health took the most hit. my mom told me multiple times, how she got really scared when my aunt called her inquiring for either of her parents. I also ignore that because I became numb and immune to sadness. why did I do that?

because of that, I felt guilty, so when I went home that fateful Thursday, I told my friend; hey I need to go home, my tokayah was warded and the doctor told us to come home. while I was zooming passed the streets, right at 9:21 am, he was gone. I didn't tell her. I didn't tell anyone. I just stay quiet and stay strong and vowed not to ever cry at home, just in case I see someone crying, I can be someone they can lean on. I took on tasks, house chores that the older people in my maktok's home would do, cooking, cleaning, managing my cousins. my mom doesn't really acknowledge me; not until the last day I had to return to Sarawak, she started to say thank you and hug me. I feel a bit relief and I went back.

and I got covid.... and I spent another three days sleeping, trying to make sense over the days while I was quarantined and today should be my last quarantine day. I also would be home for holiday in three days hahaha.

okay but what even the purpose of this post lol.

I didn't have the chance to cry over this.

I want to cry over this.

I want to restart 2024.

songs like head in the clouds - hayd and langit - yuna really resonates me right now.

I feel like my head in the clouds but I look down to see the soil, the same soil that buried my very tall tokayah and some of his wife and his children's hearts with it.

I feel like my head in the clouds but I don't know where to stand.

[anysathyrah]

ohhhh already this old~

[anysathyrah]

231031 acknowledgement

I don't like myself needing acknowledgment. approval from other people. it makes me want to be the best but at the same time, I just want to stay low and stay hidden. I just want to feel unburdened.

I want to express myself. even that, I need acknowledgment.

I don't know.

[anysathyrah]

[anysathyrah]

231023 to be heard

from the beginning

the sole purpose of her scribble

is to be heard

when no one couldn’t catch

her gibberish talks

when no one couldn’t guess

her wistful thinking

when no one could recognise

her longings and yearnings

from the beginning 

the sole purpose of her poems

is to be heard

isn’t it what poets do?

let their thoughts run free on papers?

when their voices were locked

and their actions were undermined

poets with the ability to empathise

or did they write it based on experience?

from the beginning 

the sole purpose of her pieces

is to be heard

and when people told 

her pieces were screenshotted and gave away

her small heart felt the warmth

at least someone read it

someone heard her feelings

albeit no names were mentioned 

from the beginning

the sole purpose of her writing

is only to be heard

[forever-deep-in-thought]

I want someone to love the monster I have inside, but they usually run and hide.

[anysathyrah]

230804 in my stormy mind

I do want to be selfish. kinda want to be a person I hate the most; people with lack of common sense.

I'm not sure about my life right now. my fyp kept showing videos on eldest daughter's struggle and it does make sense. there's one saying about the eldest daughter will reach that certain point where she realized that she never get to be a kid.

Am I in that phase?

this morning, my mom called me, telling me to visit my sister in Samarahan, which is 40-min drive from where I am right now. I usually wouldn't mind, but I told my sister last week that I won't be going there this week because I have to pack my things and study for my exams - I'm finishing Year 4 and I'll be moving out from my college into my friend's house. but like, my mom told to go there because I won't see her until... maybe a month or two, maybe never lol... she told me to ask her if she wants tupperware to keep her food. actually, that time I was just woken up because I slept late last night. and I'm not sure was it the sleepiness that made me irritated; I was pissed off. I told my mom that she can go and buy it herself and that I don't have to see her every weeked. and she went saying things about how I as the eldest one should take care of my sister.

honestly? go fuck with that. no one ask me if I want tupperwares when I come here. no one bothered asking me what I eat and the prices, no one actually understands me.

I'm this close of crying lol.

I hung up without saying anything. a bit awful but I'm actually really am mad. do they really see me as the eldest daughter that has responsibilites over stuff?

but like my parents are firstborns too. don't they understand my cravings for attention?

this is sucks, these things always happened when I'm just about to take exams.

[anysathyrah]

230719 when he reads

I chose to write on tumblr because currently I'm overflowing with ideas on what to write to this one person on his birthday.

will it be weird if I made a poem for this friend of mine whom I used to like and that I actually confessed, but like I genuinely appreciate him for sometimes leaving me a like on poem posts I made?

dang, he was there when I first started my interest, and we lost connection for awhile, then we found each other again on instagram- he really like some of my posts which I always glad that he liked it.

I mean, I care about no one reading my poems; but when he reads <3

so here I'm pasting a poem I made for him, literally just now because I super appreciate his likes and him reading it (although I never know his feedback)

back then- he used to take (read it, steal) my book and I don't know, he read through it and return it back. that vampire book I had back then was full of weird doodles and notes and more about rusty poetry.

ohhh I really appreciate him for that gesture. <3

~

230719 he reads throughout the years, I've written hundreds of poems maybe close to a thousand off book, sticky notes, on exam papers and throughout those years of writing I had never been so obsessed of someone reading it there's just one exception; when he reads he read my pieces when I was nothing but a raging teenage, pouring her heart out nothing pretty about it; series of rambles and doodles he reads my pieces today; we haven't met in years the likes, the loves, sometimes seen under the viewers still don't mind about the numbers but when he reads it felt like another sense of accomplishment my first reader: when he reads

I actually had no idea what he thinks of my poems; he writes too, he's a producer, a lyricist but he writes in Malay so I don't know what he thinks about my poems.

but the fact that after all these years, after the fights, the miscommunications, heck even the confessions, I still find him lurking under my viewers, liking some of my posts, especially my poems. which to me; he played a very big role on me writing poetry.

it's just that, I never express my gratitude to him for his play in my discovery, in a form of poetry (hell I actually written quite lot of pieces for him, just not something like this)

so yeah. that's that haha.