Boston

The top news stories from 2078

[ap-boston]

Googleplex City (AP) - Google announced today that the new version of Chrome will ship with modified thoughtcrime detection software capable of serving targeted ads with negative latency.

[ap-boston]

Back on the campaign trail, back on his bullshit

WASHINGTON (AP) - Witnesses say rally-goers cheered while others looked on in horror as Joe Biden buried an entire litter of golden retriever puppies live behind the Aquadome this morning. One man tearfully pronounced “he can’t keep getting away with this!” before shakily adding he would be supporting Biden in the primary “since he’s the only electable candidate.”

[ap-boston]

Boston PD Nab Teeth Smugglers, Paleo-Fraud In Single Night

ALLSTON (AP) - Police seized over 400 kilos of infant teeth that were being smuggled under the cover of Hobby Lobby’s “Traveling Paleontology Circus.”

[ap-boston]

Yanis Varoufakis to Helm Tumblr‘s Very Own “Mannconomy“ Makeover

TECHNOLOGY (AP) - “I’m going to be upfront with you, it’s pretend-hat FOMO, but at least it’s not crypto,” the 117 year old archeconomist said.

[ap-boston]

These damned entitled millennials keep telling me to "return the slab"

[ap-boston]

(AP) - They found the jarate tape

[ap-boston]

CULTURE (AP) - The internet is still reeling after a series of late-night tweets may have accidentally revealed the true identity of the author of My Immortal as J.K. Rowling herself, in a now-deleted tweet reading “Enoby was actually a furry”

[ap-boston]

World Shaving Expo under cyber attack

BACK BAY (AP) - Vandals have seized and frozen out legitimate access to the @Gillette corporate twitter account, plastering the feed with images of body hair and links to discredited pro-hair research, alongside a host of tweets extolling the virtues of body hair issued in the World’s Smoothest Living Human’s signature tweeting style. The hack, which was timed to coincide with the Gillette World Shaving Expo, is believed to be the work of Canadian hackers.

[ap-boston]

Leaked audio may be prelude to jam crackdown

BEACON (AP) - Audio files released yesterday of a meeting between Boston Sky Mayor Hank and a group of businessmen, including Descartes Mann, noted pro-jam lobbyist, purport to capture the mayor on tape saying “you know we’ve grown to accept slimes as just part of life, but we never stop to think about the lack of regulations in the jam industry that creates them.” City Hall has as yet declined requests for comment.

[ap-boston]

Cybervermin problem on the rise

BRIGHTON (AP) - A nest of feral Elon Musks was discovered in Brighton this morning. The Elons, whose neural diffusion indicated several generations of simulation decay, were discovered after their attempt at building an app-based on-demand subway for mice within a data pylon took wi-fi offline in a three-block radius.

[ap-boston]

New lightware terms target jailbreakers

The Newell-Howard board voted today in favor of rolling out a new EULA, further restricting end-user modifications to Consortium licensed lightware. The new license will go into effect later this year, and is expected to render millions of devices inoperable, including those sporting previously legal alterations.

A spokesperson for the minority opinion clarified that lightware with explicit support for modifications will remain functional, citing CyKEA's "hackpack" subscription tier.

[ap-boston]

Relief in sight for Charlestown commuters

CHARLESTOWN (AP) - City planners have approved the construction of a new traffic circle in an attempt to alleviate congestion around Sullivan Square. When completed, it will bring the total number of contiguous traffic circles to twelve.

[ap-boston]

The boy is back in town

UPPER CAMBRIDGE (AP) - Bigfoot was sighted today at the Cambridgeside Galleria, much to the delight of shoppers and the chagrin of professional cryptostatistician Nate Silver, whose model predicted the creature's next public appearance would not occur for another two weeks. "People always talk about what we get wrong, but they wouldn't do that if we didn't have the track record of success that we do," said Silver in a prepared statement. "Bigfoot just presents a more complicated case than most cryptids, and we're still working to refine the model."

[ap-boston]

Redmond to sysadmins: “git gud”

REDMOND (AP) - Microsoft defended its controversial decision today to start packaging single-user licenses for its remote administration toolkit in lootboxes, saying the scheme "allows talent to rise to the top." Administrators will now need to either uncrate or purchase the previously free toolkit to remain employable.

[ap-boston]

Bodyball riot likely first of many this season

BRIGHTON (AP) - Rioting broke out in lower Brighton last night in the wake of an underground bodyball game. Witnesses describe escalating verbal abuse between fans of the Brighton Zombies and the Back Bay Bombers throughout the match, culminating in supporters of both sides rushing the court. The ensuing violence spilled into the street, causing moderate property damage and quickly dissipating before Boston Sky Police could respond.

The sport was banned citywide last year for its reputation for hooliganism, with matches frequently degenerating into such brawls. 

[ap-boston]

ALLSTON (AP) - Cyberdog carcass in alley this morning. Cybertire tread on burst cyberstomach.

[ap-boston]

Polystructure concerns blamed for rush-hour delays

EAST BOSTON (AP) - A slow explosion in lower East Boston today resulted in superficial damage to a polystructure, prompting the temporary shutdown of a stretch of the I-90 skyway and impacting the morning commute. The slow explosion occurred at an Amazon supply depot between 3:37 and 3:52 am local time; no injuries have been reported, but damage to the depot is estimated to be in excess of 2.3 billion Bitcoin. According to a company spokesperson, it is believed to have been the work of Russian hackers.