celestial and proud

stay soft and stay vulnerable. i don't really know what my name should be at this point but i kind of like Grey. (they/them or she/her)

[toastpotent-deactivated20250619]

What the fuck is a fish?

don’t ask questions you aren’t prepared to handle the answers to.

[apatheologyorphilosophism]

I have been so consistently happy this semester. Don't get me wrong, I've had some bad days, but those days were bad because bad things happened on those days. They weren't just bad because I was depressed. I almost don't know how to respond to this mentally. I want to tell everyone that finding real lasting happiness is possible. I've just felt so good.

My girlfriend and I broke up the week the semester started. (It was mutual and for the best.) I know we weren't good for each other, but breakups are still rough. I thought that was going to leave me feeling lonely and unfulfilled. Instead of that, I've made new close friends and grown my relationships with the friends I already had. I've done my best to spend time improving myself. I want to become the type of person with whom I want a relationship.

I've been rock climbing about 8-15 hours a week and practicing yoga 2-3 times a week. Not only have those activities kept me feeling centered mentally, but they've given me a consistent sense of personal growth and accomplishment. Possibly just as important, they've improved my body to the point that I feel confident and comfortable in my own skin. (I have actual abs now! I'm so hilariously psyched about it!)

Last weekend I went back to my parent's house to celebrate my little sister's birthday. (She turned 19 this year! She's becoming such a wonderful human being.) My parents were asking me how my car is running, because if I'm honest my car is pretty rough. It's got quite a few electrical problems, but mechanically it's doing really well, which I told them. If I really wanted to, I could probably afford a slightly better car, but I told them that I know it would not make me any happier. (Then my mom asked, "Are you sure?" which I think is hilarious. Yes, I'm sure.) I don't have much extra money, but I still feel so lucky because I have my expenses almost completely covered, and on the occasions I don't, my parents have made it clear that they're happy to help support me while I'm in school. I don't need anything more than that.

I know that what works for me will not work for everyone. But I also know that there have been long periods of my life where I didn't think I would make it to the age I am now. That amount of suffering is just unsustainable. I know what it's like to be severely depressed, and I know that even when you don't feel it, there is hope. There is a way out. If you can find the strength to keep moving, you can find lasting happiness. Every day that you don't give up is a gift. You always have the choice to live a better life today than you did yesterday.

I don't know who still follows this blog, because I use it so rarely, but just know that whoever you are, I love you more than I can say. You are a beautiful and unique person made in the image of God. Love yourself, and love the people around you.

[apatheologyorphilosophism]

It's absolutely wild to me how people will start to see you if you just find a way to keep pushing - especially because my view of myself really hasn't changed much. I've never really seen myself as a strong person for a lot of reasons: I've struggled with alcoholism and some other drug issues as self-medication for depression/anxiety issues, I've always felt lazy because I'm so sleepy a lot of the time - like I'm just not naturally energetic, the only real exercise I did for a long time was running - you get the idea.

But I was talking to my partner last night about how I decided to lose some weight by intermittent fasting to get better at rock climbing (which I've become absolutely addicted to over the past ~5 months). The idea is that I'll only eat from 12:00-8:00 and fast the other 16 hours of the day. She said she sees me as full of will power to be able to do that at all. But honestly I've gone ~3 days without eating during the worst bouts of depression before my mom realized what was happening and made me eat. I've really been trying to become a strong person mentally and physically through meditation and exercise and increased self-discipline. And I guess it's working but with how I've been doing so far it hasn't really changed any of my insecurities.

It just always feels to me like I'm doing to bare minimum. As far as I can tell, if I want any chance at all at being happy, I'm going to have to grow and there's no one who's going to create that growth for me - I'm going to have to do it myself. I've had a bunch of different times over the past couple years where I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it through the month and every day that I don't feel like that anymore is the best gift I've ever received.

I've been consistently happier since the beginning of the summer than I can ever remember. If I'm honest, I have mixed feelings about that because I'm convinced that I really deserve to be happy. I'm just trying so fucking hard and I know I can't stop because if I do it'll hurt me and the people around me.

[jitterati-deactivated20190311]

at some point you’ve got to STOP reading the entrails and go out and LIVE that which was portented by them, because you WILL run out of doves

[apatheologyorphilosophism]

College is just absolutely terrible for m mental health. Every new semester I think "this is going to be the one where I figure my shit out" and every time I break tf down like 3 weeks in. I'm trying really fucking hard but I still ended up crying in my car last night because I feel like I'll never be as good as the people around me and that means I'll never be happy.

[apatheologyorphilosophism]

3 years ago, I made my best friend a ukulele for Christmas. It wasn't a very good one, and it basically fell apart a couple months later. Rather than fixing it, I decided to make them a new one.

The second one turned out much better. But there's still problems with it - assuming it's still around somewhere. I didn't like the way I attached the neck, the scale length was just slightly off and the bracing tended to rattle because it wasn't quite glued properly.

This Christmas, I decided to make a ukulele for my best friend again. It still won't be perfect, but it will be better than the last one.

My life is not perfect - I have to worry about money occasionally, I might have to retake Chemistry before I graduate college, and if I'm honest I smoke too much. But I'm also happier than I can ever remember being in my life. I have fulfilling relationships with the people around me, I have a job that a lot of people would kill for, I haven't actually felt chronic depression in months, and my drive to create has never been stronger.

I'm not sure I know what love is. I've let down so many people after I've said "I love you" to them - and I thought I meant it. But I remember every feeling they gave me.

(I was going to make this a vague post, but what's the point? This is about Blake and they know it.) I remember what it felt like to wake up next to you. I remember your face lighting up when Sufjan Stevens walked on stage. I remember you hurting me. I remember telling you I didn't want you in my life anymore. And I remember realizing almost immediately after that I never wanted you out of my life.

But I remember hurting you worse. And I remember the night I realized I could never expect you to forgive me for letting you down. But fuck man I miss hugging you and hearing about your day. I miss getting drunk on your parent's vodka and watching shitty movies. I miss everything about you. I want to know everything about what's happened to you since the last time I saw you. I want you to succeed and I want you to find lasting happiness. I want you to know that if you ever need me, I'll do anything for you - and I mean that.

Inside, on the back of the ukulele, I engraved a line from "John My Beloved". I'm not really sure if I believe in God or an afterlife. But every day I find myself hoping against hope that there is an afterlife, because I think that's where I get to see you again. And that's where I get to tell you how sorry I am for the pain I caused you. And that's where the pain actually ends.

I love you more than the world can contain.

[apatheologyorphilosophism]

It's 5:00 a.m. and I should be sleeping. I'm sure I will soon. I've been crying but they're okay tears. I can feel regret and still know that I'm doing better and better every day.

There will always be at least two people I pray for every day.

[apatheologyorphilosophism]

you'll be happy again.

things won't ever be the same. it's always going to hurt. and even sometimes when things are going okay you can break down crying and feel like you lost any progress you every made.

but you'll find a new normal. life goes on and eventually you'll find peace every once in a while.

you can always take a step forward and you can always be a better person than you were yesterday.

[apatheologyorphilosophism]

*breathe in*

*scream*

*breathe in*

*screAM*

*breathe in*

*SCReam*

[apatheologyorphilosophism]

I don't know where else to write down my Big Feelings™ anymore other than tumbler.com so get ready my dudes:

Fuck I have such a big crush right now. I haven't had a romantic crush this big in like more than two years and I'm just so fucking excited about it. Damn it I feel like I'm having my first crush again and I gotta say it somewhere obscure because I can't say it to her yet.

[apatheologyorphilosophism]

a lot of the time I'm fine or possibly even /good/ the last couple months. but I'm sitting on my porch in Columbus alone right now and fuck I miss you more than I know how to communicate

[apatheologyorphilosophism]

Hey hey my constitution is so fucking fragile that I want to die anytime I have to do something remotely related to college preparation

[thegenderal]

If you hate frogs fuck you

[thegenderal]

They’re just little sticky babies

[thegenderal]

They don’t know shit

[animals-lovers]

Instagram: animals_lover_ig

[putyouinabettermood]

[blazeofgold-deactivated20190921]

I can stomach bro-type boys who actually are quite sweet and loveable beneath their bro exterior significantly more than like, guys who study philosophy and write “poetry” but beneath it all actually have the skewed moral compass and heedless self absorption of your common or garden bro.

[outlaw-queen-deactivated2018061]

chris evans vs james franco

[margotierobbie-deactivated20190]