a penny for my thoughts

a fleeting glimpse into the thoughts I never say out loud

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

service announcement

I decided to switch this blog to my main @apennyformythoughtss

poetry and other stuff will now be posted from there

stay safe. love ya 🤍

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

being touch starved leaves the skin aching, yearning for a soul altering connection leaves the spirit restless

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

Spring has arrived.

I sit outside and close my eyes, turning my face toward the sun, letting its warmth settle over me. It paints my skin in a soft red glow, gentle and alive, as if it’s waking something that has been quiet for too long.

And I listen. Without music to fill the space, there is only the world. The birds have returned, carrying their small, certain songs of beginning.

The wind moves softly around me, brushing past like a quiet reassurance, as if it knows something I’ve been trying to believe - that things will be okay.

And for the first time in years, it feels like winter has truly left me. Not just outside, but somewhere deeper. Somewhere I had almost forgotten how to reach.

Spring has arrived in the depths of my soul.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

There is a longing in me,

a yearning for something

no language has ever held.

A quiet mind,

still as water untouched by wind.

A full heart,

glowing like the last warmth

of a summer evening.

A persistence,

like the tide that returns

no matter how often it leaves.

A place my soul seems to remember,

while my mind stands at its edge,

unable to enter.

An ancient ache,

threaded deeper than roots,

older than anything I can name.

I do not know what I am searching for -

only that something in me

is always reaching,

as if it already knows

where it belongs.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

I moved on.

You didn’t.

I moved on in weeks -

but my grieving had begun

months before you noticed

anything was breaking.

I tried to save us.

I held on longer than I should have.

I waited for something to change.

But you didn’t.

So I ended us.

And you were surprised -

as if the quiet distance,

the slow fading,

had never been there at all.

I moved on.

Not quickly,

just earlier than you.

You didn’t.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

Airplane Thoughts

Where do you go from here?

How does a heart learn to open again

after it has known the weight of breaking?

How do you wear it on your sleeve

when you’ve seen how easily it can be wounded?

How do you bare your chest to the world

when you know how close the knife can come?

And how do you blame the world for the pain

when it was your own heart

that chose the path that led you here?

Perhaps the question is not

whether to close your heart,

but how to open it again

and still survive the risk.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

Sometimes

you have to break someone’s heart

because the way they love

is not the way you deserve to be loved.

Sometimes

you have to step away

not because they were lacking,

but because they could not give you

the fullness you needed.

Sometimes

you leave

not out of absence of feeling,

but out of honesty -

because love that is half-held,

half-certain,

is a quiet kind of cruelty.

And sometimes

hurting someone now

is kinder

than keeping you in a love

that cannot grow

into what you deserve.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

When he left, he severed the connection without a word.

No last conversation. No unraveling. No moment where I could see it falling apart.

One day it was us, and the next it was silence.

There was no warning, no final page. Just a door closing mid-sentence.

I was grieving someone who was still alive, still breathing somewhere in the world, just no longer within reach.

I am still grieving.

It lives in me as a quiet, constant ache - not sharp enough to collapse me, but steady enough to remind me it’s there.

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever truly vanish.

When I left you, I promised myself it would be different.

That I would not disappear.

That I would give you every conversation you deserve.

That I would try to explain where things cracked, even if I don’t fully understand the fault lines myself.

I promised I would answer when you call. That I would never let silence do the damage words could soften.

Because you were never just my lover. You were my best friend.

And I would never wish this kind of grief on you.

The kind that comes without goodbye,

the kind that lingers without closure,

the kind that makes you mourn someone who is still alive.

- oh I wish he had done better protecting my sanity

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

I am sorry for breaking your heart - for letting something so tender slip through my hands.

I am sorry for ever making you feel like your love was lacking, when it was my own heart that did not know how to receive it.

I am sorry - for the silence that followed, for the ache I left behind.

I never knew that breaking a heart would echo like this inside my own chest, that the fracture would not be yours alone, but something we both would carry.

I am so fucking sorry. Please know that it was never your fault.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

When someone asks me about love, I’ll tell them about you.

When someone asks me about pain, I’ll tell them about you.

- when will this misery end

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

You are the epitome of perfection to me.

Even when your hands left bruises on my heart, I still held you like something flawless - untouched by the cracks you carved into me.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

In my own eyes, I am never enough. But always too much.

Too quiet. Too honest. Too much. Too less. Too romantic. Too demanding. Too oversharing. Too melancholic. Too empathetic. Too tired. Too insecure. Too restless. Too heartbroken.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

I loved. I was loved.

Yet I was never loved the way I deserved to be loved.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

What scares me most is the thought that I may never feel that kind of connection again - the way you didn’t just love me but understood me, heart and soul.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

I want to be loved

like the ocean loves the shore -

relentless, inevitable, and deep,

filling every hidden corner of me.

I want to be looked at

like the night holds the stars -

with awe, with longing,

as if seeing me could illuminate the dark.

I want to be touched

like morning sunlight on fragile petals -

warm, tender, and impossible to grasp without care.

And more than anything,

I want to be understood

like the wind knows the trees -

without words, without explanation,

moving through me

and leaving me seen.

I want to be loved the same way I love.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

If you ever read this, please know that I’ve been through hell. And I would do it again - just to have you one more time.

[apennyformythoughtsxx]

Please hold me tight. Love me with all your heart. Touch my soul. Tell me I’m enough.