lost child

i just want to be who i was before you

[aplaceformythoughts]

I had the most godawful dream of you abandoning me in scenarios i never even want to imagine come true but you did in the same dream and twice. I slept on alprax & still woke up crying and with a weight on my chest and i wish i had another way to try and get this fear & sadness & remnants of that horrendous dream off of me; but unfortunately i can’t talk to anyone about you.

[aplaceformythoughts]

i lowkey (h i g h key) find it a bit foolish how i still believed you even after all this while and after everything i have been and seen. the way a girls brain will really just go out of its way to rot for a man at times.

regardless, all the more well. things in my life have always happened for a reason so i won’t ask you for the same. you did not bother seeing me once in the week since and i have not shed a tear over it. i guess atleast one of us has changed

stay out of the door this time. don’t want me without intention again. i do my best to harbour no ill will but i do not enjoy being played like a harp again and again.

do what’s easier. i advice that as a friend.

i have no other parting words. if you can treat me like a stranger at a distance, extend the same courtesy in person. i have - and excuse the crassness - no more fucking patience for this bullshit.

regards,

aditi.

[aplaceformythoughts]

i’ll watch your life in pictures like how i used to watch you sleep

[aplaceformythoughts]

why did you promise me anything at all if you just wanted to abandon me again after?

[aplaceformythoughts]

i kept to myself the last few days, doing my best to keep my vulnerability strung tight to me. loving you enough to want to not ruin any of it even if the thought of it sent me scrambling. its no big feat. many abreast in the same shoes would do the same.

you, however, wouldn’t. you would just stop caring all together because envious as i am of the ability — it comes so easy to you.

a few hours to days sometimes less to turn around and act cold comes so naturally to you. easy breezy. like sliding a book you own onto the top shelf. owned and within reach but uninterested in that moment. something to revisit when you feel like it.

i have quoted this same fear to you a million times before. said it again and again - you ll change. you ll be cold. you will act distant for reasons only you know that you never say out loud and its just. so…dismissive. casually cruel and predictable after all this while.

there were hundred other things i would have said or asked but asking if you have changed slipped past before i could grab a hold of it. i still dont know if i was looking for reassurance or an actual answer. ironically i dont think i found either but then isn’t that just how it always goes.

there is nothing i fear more than finding a known stranger in you, and yet i knew somewhere in me that is who i would find. a weird twisted perk of knowing someone too well.

there’s not much else to say except; i wish you had checked in. tried to truly be there. been warmer today. more of who i know you to be. asked for a rain check if you couldn’t & just said, ‘i m stuck rn but i want to talk too. i miss you too.’

stayed when i pushed because you wanted to.

nvm though.

i will not reach out after this. unblock call or text.

i have talked to you everyday for years now so there shouldn’t be much left to be said. nothing that you would find value in when you have become someone else anyway.

my entrance was loud & pushy; all jostled elbows and closed doors pried open as i dragged you out to see the sun when you didn’t want to. hopeful & younger. now i am tip toing out through the same doors as i take my leave at last. close them back again, with at least the reassurance that i made you see the warmth of the sun when you were cold to the bone.

you are not cold anymore and neither am i needed anymore.

i hope my memories do me justice. That they are wistful and bitter sweet and for evermore

goodbye

[aplaceformythoughts]

i have been desperately trying to stich close the pieces of the frayed torn cloth that you left of my heart. approximating the edges aligned for the perfect suture like oh theres nothing to see here but i feel it. at nights like this when you call drunk and fucked, words reeking of sour whiskey from miles away and hoarse out an i miss you. it kills a part of me i didn’t realise had remained alive to shush you to sleep. holding the i miss you too behind my gritted teeth with the last of my seemingly endless weakness. swallow the i love you thats tasted salty since last winter when you left me with a chill that the summer sun couldn’t fade. there’s a vaccum where my heart used to be. an aching all engulfing pit behind my ribs that pulsates with hurt every time it thinks of you. sees you. leaves the ringing phone face down on the table. bravery no longer guides my actions. neither does the breath of the other woman. i step back, weigh the worth of your shit talk; rings and faces that look like both of us. walk the longer route, avoid your face in the hospital like my life depends on it because it’s the days spent under gray skies and in bed sobbing that remain. wondering how someone could be so cruel in the face of a love so painfully selfless? you schemed your way to quick success and the ideal picket fence while i was still slicing my heart open, turning it inside out almost as to say - look. all you. its only ever been you. Please, don’t call me now. Don’t mock my lovesick foolishness again with the shadow of another clinging onto your back. your arson matches your somber eyes and i’ll see it until the day i die. you are the loss of my life.

[aplaceformythoughts]

Things i want in a guy - pauses mid kiss to ask me ‘is this okay?’

[aplaceformythoughts]

this letter is really just a squeal of pain.

[aplaceformythoughts]

today marks some ‘n’ no of months since i last got my heartbroken. I say that because it wasnt the first and certainly wont be the very last - yet it hurt all the same like i had never gotten my heart broken before. Ig healing is ironic like that. Hope always sticks all the cracked pieces back together with glitter instead of glue; shiny, polished & faux new.

i have always written things down when i feel them the strongest but i have never been one to share.

This time though there’s more unsaid than ever said. so much i never could form into words and say when i should have that the words cluttered in the hollows of my throat have now dulled and left a deadweight that sits heavier the longer i ignore it.

I remember it happening like it wasnt months ago. the call, the conversation, the immediate nausea and claustrophobia. I remember feeling like the walls were closing in on me, like i couldnt breathe no matter how hard i inhaled, or focus however hard my nails dug into skin. How could i centre myself when my axis had been so abruptly snatched away?

the pains shattering and relentless and when you are going through it - seemingly endless. people say time blurs when you are depressed and oh i wish i could say the same.

i felt it - every second that turned into minute and another agonising hour. the pain that i kept telling myself would lessen, kept compounding instead as i tried to play friends with the one person i couldn’t imagine being ‘just friends’ with. The crying. No amount of water i shed seemed to douse the flame that burnt my heart and left it scorched, the embers of hurt pulsing for months after.

I remember breaking and falling apart inside and trying to act like all was fine externally on the regular. How hard that was. When inside I felt more fragile than I had ever known myself capable, I desperately craved some release. A chance to fall in his arms and sob and be furious. Plead for it to be me this time and not her.

I didn’t though. I couldn’t. Because not all heartbreaks are the same. Not all make you wonder if the whole thing was just in your head and if its even worth crying over because the other person seems so fine? Like turning and walking away from you was just another thing on their to-do list all those months ago and left not even a pin prick of hurt.

Its shocking when its sudden. You dont expect having to say goodbye when you are still getting used to saying hi. morning. i love you. i cant wait to see you soon.

you have all these lists and plans and wishes and now you are standing there alone with a handful of broken dreams and splintered love and it hurtshurtshurts.

the pictures, the half made plans that will now never be, every tiny nook and corner you saw him in; now haunts. digs into the wounds and twists and leaves you stinging and tired. Day after day after day.

He asks ‘are you okay?’ and you still love him enough to lie because is it really love if you hurt him instead? you think he cares and convince yourself of it and he shows it albeit irregularly and for an hour or two after you think - maybe this is enough. maybe i could live this way.

Then your mother says you dont talk about him anymore and your friends cuss him out and your immediate instinct is to defend because how could they when he’s your love?

except he isn’t. not anymore.

or is he? and does it matter when you know you aren’t his?

you see him around still. the next day and the day after and so on & so forth and every minuscule change, every changed nickname, the side hugs and the immediate distance he refuses to acknowledge he has put in between you two; makes you cry into your pillow every night. sometimes you cry in your sleep and your friend, who stays on calls because you can no longer sleep alone, worries but you fake a smile; shrugging it off come morning.

It’s been months and soon I will have left for longer than I stayed and I wonder if that will finally be enough time to be fully okay again.

In hindsight time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it scabs over the worst of em and then its just one broken heart closer to happily ever after.

[aplaceformythoughts]

This year heartbreak just refuses to leave me be

[aplaceformythoughts]

i said it quick and unthinking only realising how true it was after the words were already out. when alls said and done the question is, do you even care if i miss you? do you even care that it hurts to? and why choose to not when you can change it to hurt less?

[aplaceformythoughts]

lifes putting kg's on top of me when i m just grams

[aplaceformythoughts]

say it. communicate better. dont keep things in and expect him to know. say it even if its the 80th time. just say what you think

[aplaceformythoughts]

i was so hurt that i am now so scared. like i can see the hit coming from a mile away but know there's nothing i can do to dodge and its just waiting

[aplaceformythoughts]

i wish i didnt have as many ghosts in my bed than people who have stayed to hold my hand

[aplaceformythoughts]

sometimes i look through the pictures like a terrible fairytale book. painted in naivety when birthed, painful and all the shades of blue and charred grey in hindsight

[aplaceformythoughts]

I think i might hate me for what i did to us