no1's no.1

they used to call me Synon and Vanilla12 - pizza mozzarella pizza mozzarella - rella rella rella rella

[apolliolio]

Kinda crazy how blinded you can be sometimes

Now you can see that it was pretty one sided all along

People can just go on living like nothing ever happened

It's just how it is

But it sucks for me

[apolliolio]

Haven't cried so much in years lol

Life really hits you like a truck sometimes

Personal shit

Career shit

It's crazy

[apolliolio]

development

i honestly dont know when it started

i think when it first occurred to me it was when she said that her friend was trying to set her up with someone they knew

i dont know what i felt at that moment

was it anxiety or jealousy?

but for what reason?

for losing a friend?

no.. if a friend finds a date i think i would be glad for them

then for what?

at that point i was really confused at what i was feeling

anxiety of losing someone close to me

jealousy of not being the person that would be with them

maybe that was it

maybe it was both of these

i honestly

i dont know 

when did i start feeling this way?

i never really thought of these things 

i was usually fine with the way things were

but then again i got to talk to her every day

play together often

i took these all for granted

when she started playing with her other friends

without me

i felt it

it really hit me and it really hurt

after all those times 

did she just get bored of me?

i keep telling myself that it’s normal to reconnect with old friends and play with them especially if they have a full group

but it doesnt make it any easier to waste time when i was alone 

i overthink

a lot

i felt abandoned

i know that it probably was not that but still

seeing her play with her other friends for the past few days, weeks

while im here playing with my fingers waiting for a message 

anything

nothing

just that damn game showing on the activity list

on one occasion

when she invited me to play with her friends 

i said yes

but 

it was just so uncomfortable for me and i dont know why

maybe because it felt like i was being replaced

maybe because it was with the person setting her up with someone else

it was so awkward that i didn’t even want to be there at all

i was ready to leave halfway into the game

im such a mess

a broken fucking mess

my brain is just so exhausted

it’s not even anyone else’s fault

that my untouched heart feels so used

is it an obsession? i hope not

is it a crush? possible

i just know that when she told me her old friend changed plans and asked her out instead of setting her up with their friend

it was a crushing feeling

that was certain

it was obvious what the intentions were

at least in my point of view

a guy who broke up with his gf weeks ago

suddenly starts getting close to a friend of their gf 

saying that they would like to set them up with someone

then asking them out on a 1-on-1 plan to see fireworks at an amusement park?

yeah it sounds like a date to me

and that’s fine

i can’t do anything about it either

i live across the country

what am i supposed to do?

but i just

can’t

get

her

out of my head

i don’t even know why

i just feel so happy whenever we talk

the playfulness 

common interests

similar personalities

i don’t think i would be able to find another person that i can act and talk so freely with any time in the near future

so what if they are the one?

that’s what i thought

so i couldn’t stop thinking about it for a whole night

whether or not i should confess that i like them

i miss all the shots i don’t take huh

i woke up

tired as hell

worrying about how i can tell them and doubting whether or not i should do it

but i still go through with it

even though i was scared of what would happen

i thought that happiness of what could happen would outweigh the pain of what will happen

turns out

i miss every shot i do take as well

i can’t help to think

is it me? was i the problem?

i don’t know and i won’t know

i just know that i am sad

i can only hope that what awaits in the future will be nicer to me

but now everything feels fucking ruined

by yours truly.

[apolliolio]

3rd person

sometimes i feel like i’m living in 3rd person

i want to talk to other people about my problems and let out my emotions

feel sad and cry about things 

but at the same time

i tell myself that everything is ok

this is an experience that i am living through right now and will subside

so there is really no reason to feel sad about it

i tell myself that i am proud for doing it

but at the same time

i wonder if it was really the right thing to do

was it really worth it 

i think it was worth it but i didn’t get the response i wanted

even though i did not expect much in the first place

i think that it was good for me to 

fuck

i just cant help but to think why 

i just dont know

why me 

what is wrong with me

nothing is wrong but

why am i like this

i didn’t think rejection would hurt me this much

[apolliolio]

I pretend I do not feel

But I still feel

[apolliolio]

Life is pain

I hate

[apolliolio]

Maybe it's better to not be actively searching for someone

Sometimes you won't find someone no matter how hard you'll search

But hopefully they'll find you pretty easily before too long

[apolliolio]

rejected

I want to cry

I am crying

I want to die

But I can't

I don't actually want to

[apolliolio]

proud..

i think i’m proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone

by so much

right now i’m not really feeling it

but i think i’ll look back and say to myself

wow i really did that

no matter what the result may be

i put in that effort to do that

the only sad part is

i don’t think i’ll ever be able to tell her 

all the things i liked about her

all the things that i have yet to know that i would like about her

or maybe i will

so be it

[apolliolio]

confession

i confessed my feelings to someone today

although i’m not sure if i conveyed them properly

i hope i can get a response from them

because nothing hurts more

than being left

on

read

[apolliolio]

comfort zone

i stepped out of my comfort zone today

i still dont know how i feel about doing it

but i think i feel better than staying in it

and not doing anything and holding it in

there’s a first time for everything

hopefully this won’t take a turn for the worst

all i can do now is accept whatever comes my way

[apolliolio]

Recently

I often think that I will never find the one in my life

I think that people with similar interests and mindsets just don't seem interested in dating at all

That makes it hard for people who are looking for someone

It's like an open door in a sea of closed doors

In the end, the opened door will close too at the end of time.

[apolliolio]

How can I forget about all of this but not forget about you

How can I wait for you if you don't even know I'm waiting for you

Man

I don't know

I always feel like if I say something I want to say it will ruin everything

But if I don't say something I'll be left behind

What can I do that won't make me regret telling you but also won't regret not telling you?

[apolliolio]

Sometimes I think I miss talking about random stuff more than playing games

[apolliolio]

I feel like it's inevitable that people drift apart even if it's temporary but why does it always happen after I feel so self conscious and vulnerable

Just can't tell if it's a coincidence or not anymore

[apolliolio]

It's okay

I'm okay

There is nothing I can do about it

[apolliolio]

Jobless and joyless