Kinda crazy how blinded you can be sometimes
Now you can see that it was pretty one sided all along
People can just go on living like nothing ever happened
It's just how it is
But it sucks for me

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@apolliolio
Kinda crazy how blinded you can be sometimes
Now you can see that it was pretty one sided all along
People can just go on living like nothing ever happened
It's just how it is
But it sucks for me
Haven't cried so much in years lol
Life really hits you like a truck sometimes
Personal shit
Career shit
It's crazy
development
i honestly dont know when it started
i think when it first occurred to me it was when she said that her friend was trying to set her up with someone they knew
i dont know what i felt at that moment
was it anxiety or jealousy?
but for what reason?
for losing a friend?
no.. if a friend finds a date i think i would be glad for them
then for what?
at that point i was really confused at what i was feeling
anxiety of losing someone close to me
jealousy of not being the person that would be with them
maybe that was it
maybe it was both of these
i honestly
i dont knowÂ
when did i start feeling this way?
i never really thought of these thingsÂ
i was usually fine with the way things were
but then again i got to talk to her every day
play together often
i took these all for granted
when she started playing with her other friends
without me
i felt it
it really hit me and it really hurt
after all those timesÂ
did she just get bored of me?
i keep telling myself that it’s normal to reconnect with old friends and play with them especially if they have a full group
but it doesnt make it any easier to waste time when i was aloneÂ
i overthink
a lot
i felt abandoned
i know that it probably was not that but still
seeing her play with her other friends for the past few days, weeks
while im here playing with my fingers waiting for a messageÂ
anything
nothing
just that damn game showing on the activity list
on one occasion
when she invited me to play with her friendsÂ
i said yes
butÂ
it was just so uncomfortable for me and i dont know why
maybe because it felt like i was being replaced
maybe because it was with the person setting her up with someone else
it was so awkward that i didn’t even want to be there at all
i was ready to leave halfway into the game
im such a mess
a broken fucking mess
my brain is just so exhausted
it’s not even anyone else’s fault
that my untouched heart feels so used
is it an obsession? i hope not
is it a crush? possible
i just know that when she told me her old friend changed plans and asked her out instead of setting her up with their friend
it was a crushing feeling
that was certain
it was obvious what the intentions were
at least in my point of view
a guy who broke up with his gf weeks ago
suddenly starts getting close to a friend of their gfÂ
saying that they would like to set them up with someone
then asking them out on a 1-on-1 plan to see fireworks at an amusement park?
yeah it sounds like a date to me
and that’s fine
i can’t do anything about it either
i live across the country
what am i supposed to do?
but i just
can’t
get
her
out of my head
i don’t even know why
i just feel so happy whenever we talk
the playfulnessÂ
common interests
similar personalities
i don’t think i would be able to find another person that i can act and talk so freely with any time in the near future
so what if they are the one?
that’s what i thought
so i couldn’t stop thinking about it for a whole night
whether or not i should confess that i like them
i miss all the shots i don’t take huh
i woke up
tired as hell
worrying about how i can tell them and doubting whether or not i should do it
but i still go through with it
even though i was scared of what would happen
i thought that happiness of what could happen would outweigh the pain of what will happen
turns out
i miss every shot i do take as well
i can’t help to think
is it me? was i the problem?
i don’t know and i won’t know
i just know that i am sad
i can only hope that what awaits in the future will be nicer to me
but now everything feels fucking ruined
by yours truly.
3rd person
sometimes i feel like i’m living in 3rd person
i want to talk to other people about my problems and let out my emotions
feel sad and cry about thingsÂ
but at the same time
i tell myself that everything is ok
this is an experience that i am living through right now and will subside
so there is really no reason to feel sad about it
i tell myself that i am proud for doing it
but at the same time
i wonder if it was really the right thing to do
was it really worth itÂ
i think it was worth it but i didn’t get the response i wanted
even though i did not expect much in the first place
i think that it was good for me toÂ
fuck
i just cant help but to think whyÂ
i just dont know
why meÂ
what is wrong with me
nothing is wrong but
why am i like this
i didn’t think rejection would hurt me this much
I pretend I do not feel
But I still feel
Life is pain
I hate
Maybe it's better to not be actively searching for someone
Sometimes you won't find someone no matter how hard you'll search
But hopefully they'll find you pretty easily before too long
rejected
I want to cry
I am crying
I want to die
But I can't
I don't actually want to
proud..
i think i’m proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone
by so much
right now i’m not really feeling it
but i think i’ll look back and say to myself
wow i really did that
no matter what the result may be
i put in that effort to do that
the only sad part is
i don’t think i’ll ever be able to tell herÂ
all the things i liked about her
all the things that i have yet to know that i would like about her
or maybe i will
so be it
confession
i confessed my feelings to someone today
although i’m not sure if i conveyed them properly
i hope i can get a response from them
because nothing hurts more
than being left
on
read
comfort zone
i stepped out of my comfort zone today
i still dont know how i feel about doing it
but i think i feel better than staying in it
and not doing anything and holding it in
there’s a first time for everything
hopefully this won’t take a turn for the worst
all i can do now is accept whatever comes my way
Recently
I often think that I will never find the one in my life
I think that people with similar interests and mindsets just don't seem interested in dating at all
That makes it hard for people who are looking for someone
It's like an open door in a sea of closed doors
In the end, the opened door will close too at the end of time.
How can I forget about all of this but not forget about you
How can I wait for you if you don't even know I'm waiting for you
Man
I don't know
I always feel like if I say something I want to say it will ruin everything
But if I don't say something I'll be left behind
What can I do that won't make me regret telling you but also won't regret not telling you?
Sometimes I think I miss talking about random stuff more than playing games
I feel like it's inevitable that people drift apart even if it's temporary but why does it always happen after I feel so self conscious and vulnerable
Just can't tell if it's a coincidence or not anymore
It's okay
I'm okay
There is nothing I can do about it
Jobless and joyless