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moonkissed silhouette | block don't report

[apperishon]

Name: Atticus Jack

Also Known As: Mateo, Marcus

Pronouns: he/his, xe/xyr, spectre/spectres, ghost/ghosts

Fav. Color: orange and indigo (individually)

Fav. Fruit/Flavor: peach

Other: minor, genderqueer trans man of color. specifically, genderfaunet.

Content: yaps, vents, ideas/concepts, thoughts

Former Username: marslikethefruit

world's most beloved yumedanshi

Tags:

#cw vent , #tw vent , #tw venting , #cw venting - me venting

#not a vent - me not venting

#bricked up on main - me being bricked up on main (beware im a minor)

#goodluck the caterpie - the adventures of my caterpie named goodluck

#to marcus from marcus - posts directed to myself from myself

#to atticus from atticus - the newest version of 'to marcus from marcus'

#rants - self-explanatory

[apperishon]

what do we have if not emotion

[apperishon]

while i have 200 reasons to die, i have 100 reasons to live. and thats why im still here

[apperishon]

im age regressed to some. tween age right now but i dontknow i still think about him sometimes and its only sad but i dont want to be sad maybe i willnplay roblox or watch gacha glmms i really like gacha glmms! i hae when people confuse glmms fo glmvs its really really sad because i dont know i think i just grwq up knowing what they menat and pridingmyself on that because i dont really know anyway today i watched a lot of gacha glmvs. tiktoks theyre short videos and theyre relaly fun and i like them a lot and the songs are nice. i want to go on youtbe but i dont want gacha glmvs on my youtube because then i wont get those cute cat purring videos anymore and i really like the cute cat purring videos! theyre cute and they help me sleep and sure you could say 'why dont you just search them up?'. well ti that i say whe i need to sleep i think i forget and then i cant soeep ajd then im sad. yeah! okay goodbye i really like gum

[apperishon]

i feel like the world is weighing down on me.

[apperishon]

i don't know if i want to be with qwentrell or not if im honest. im sexually, platonically, and aesthetically attracted to him (alongside so much more) but not romantically. isn't romantic attraction necessary for a /romantic/ relationship? i want to be in one with him, i want to do stupid couple shit with him. i want to hold his hand and cuddle and wake up beside him and i want to flirt with him and do. so much stuff but i feel itd be disingenuous given he'd be romantically attracted to me and i don't reciprocate. i don't know if i'm unable. i call myself demiromantic but i might be cupioromantic and these labels stress me out!

i can imagine a future where qwentrell and i own a house somewhere in a trans-friendly town. we ride with the ebbs and flows of life, i clean the house, he cooks. our respective chores are already fulfilled in the other's absence. do i see myself romantically attracted to him then? in that far, distant, almost-impossible future of us owning a house together? maybe!

but fuck, am i prioritizing romantic love too much? for me im mighty sure itd be a priority in romantic relationships-- i don't want a friends with benefits with q. i wanna be exclusive; my heart is solely devoted to him and him, i.

i wouldn't call myself an aroallo. i know for a fact im allosexual, i mean, i think, atleast? i don't know how i feel about calling myself aromantic. i can't just will myself into feeling something romantic for him.

oohhhh god not the questioningof if im even allosexual now. like. its. uugghh. i know im not asexual. im not aceflux. okay. okay, this is gonna stress me out more. im just gonna say im allosexual for now until the whole aromantic thing is put aside.

[apperishon]

earlier i saw this video of a granddaughter given her grandmother's diary, one where the granddaughter read about her 'own mother as a child of [her] mother who she doesn't quite have anymore.'

see, this is why i should keep a diary. physical media and such. one day i'll forget about this tumblr account forever-- lose the login, open the app for the last time, things such as that. but im scared about someone finding it, given much will be devoted to my gender and sexuality struggles. oh, but imagine someone finding it in the rubble of my hometown and being able to walk through trodden steps.

thats such a good idea. i love myself, im so smart

[apperishon]

i hate you and your stupid ai bullshit

[apperishon]

its clear my dad doesnt give two shits about my feelings its like oh my god

[apperishon]

[itscoldinwonderland]

Deconstruct your amatonormativity!!

Take yourself out on dates. Go to the movie theater alone. Go out to eat alone. Enjoy life alone, it's okay. Enjoy life with friends. Take you're friends out on dates. Have sex with people you don't love. Have sex with people you don't want to marry. Have friends with benefits and hook ups and one night stands and situationships. Never have sex. Never get married. Marry your best friend. Kiss your friends. Date multiple people. When people say you'll never be happy alone kill them with hammers 🔨🔨🔨🔨. Live alone with several pets. Be happy. Be free. Do you.

[apperishon]

reading date with my polycule of me, myself, and i where i read my books and listen to music and then dance alone and think about what i could do to better myself and be the happiest ive ever been and then do what makes me happiest the day after that

[apperishon]

i hate this. i hate you i hate these noises i wish i was at home or with my headphones but my headphonsarent here i hate this i hate thisi hate this

[apperishon]

fed up with life. fed up with you.

[apperishon]

i hae you. i hate all of you fuck you

[apperishon]

fuck everybody who thinks my feelings are irrational just because im a teenager. i am as smart and as valid in feeling my emotions as any adult, why does me being "young and hormonal" suddenly mean im being 'too emotional'?? its stupid is what it is.

i am as capable of intelligent discussion as any adult-- not to say that i am one, but i want to be respected as one. i hate how people think im unintelligible merely due to my age, its idiotic. i hate you. i hate all of you.

i hate people thinkingi do shit because of 'trends'. thats not me. you dont know me because you dont care. you take stereotypes of teenagers and project them onto me its tiring and frankly stupid to group every single teenager into this stupid box these expectations of what we should be vs who we are.

[apperishon]

i hate when people take photos of me. i hate it.

[apperishon]

hate this stupid song and dance of arbitrary etiquette of what it means to be polite. its nonsenical frankly.

also? why am i not allowed to be angry but my dad is? HES allowed to have "attitude" but im not? unfair! HES allowed to be disrespectful but im not? fuck that!