Like when I was a really young kid before I had such severe trauma, staying the night at my grandparents place. I still go there and it's still lovely. But I used to be so much smaller in that bed, I used to be so ignorant to the world's problems. Don't get me wrong! I love having the awareness to understand the problems going on. I love being able to understand them and take my part to stand up for what's right. But I also so badly yearn for that nostalgia I miss so much. When I didn't know anything, when I didn't have to work, didn't have to worry about how much my paycheck is. When I didn't think about how much money I was spending. When I didn't have to worry about holding relationships in depth. When I didn't have to be in charge of my own life, I guess. My whole childhood, I wanted to grow up so badly. I was a little kid and now I'm basically a full grown man. I wonder if my younger self would like me. Would he be proud of me? Proud of who he's become? Proud of his future self's choices? Would be understand me? Would he even like me? Would I like him? I think I would. But I somehow always seem to see myself before I turned 6 as a different person than I am now. I became so traumatized at 7. That's when it set in. That's when I decided I wanted to be 16. Now I AM 16 and honestly? I get it. People listen to me, people don't talk down to me. People see me as a man, people actually seem to take my opinion into account. I respect MYSELF and they respect ME. But I also yearn for the days of sitting in front of the old tv, watching DVDs and coloring. I miss physical media. I miss jumping in puddles and playing dress up. I miss when people took care of me. I miss when I didn't have to think about my future and all the things I'll have to survive. We're experiencing world genocides again. We're expecting WWIII. I'm exempt from the draft but at what cost? The scars on my wrist and my gender identity? All the copious mood stabilizers and antipsychotics I take to survive? My history of hospitalization and residential stays? I could go on. But the truth is, I'd hate to be that age again. I'd hate to have to play pretend just for people to call me a boy. Maybe just for a day. Maybe that would help me a little. I want to understand the little boy inside me that still wants to jump in those puddles and color those pictures. Maybe I'd understand why my mom hurt so bad when she saw me in so much distress. Maybe I'd understand a lot more.
