#cw vent

[x3xkiss]

We've probably split so much in the past like week because of our stressors coming back, God. I wish people would just leave us alone.

^ Which, our alters have differing opinions on our stressors, so.. There's been a lot of longing too. Really sucks because we fucked up those relationships and we keep fucking up relationships and augh. BPD holders going woo 💔

[hollowed-eyess]

Do you ever just think about simpler times?

Like when I was a really young kid before I had such severe trauma, staying the night at my grandparents place. I still go there and it's still lovely. But I used to be so much smaller in that bed, I used to be so ignorant to the world's problems. Don't get me wrong! I love having the awareness to understand the problems going on. I love being able to understand them and take my part to stand up for what's right. But I also so badly yearn for that nostalgia I miss so much. When I didn't know anything, when I didn't have to work, didn't have to worry about how much my paycheck is. When I didn't think about how much money I was spending. When I didn't have to worry about holding relationships in depth. When I didn't have to be in charge of my own life, I guess. My whole childhood, I wanted to grow up so badly. I was a little kid and now I'm basically a full grown man. I wonder if my younger self would like me. Would he be proud of me? Proud of who he's become? Proud of his future self's choices? Would be understand me? Would he even like me? Would I like him? I think I would. But I somehow always seem to see myself before I turned 6 as a different person than I am now. I became so traumatized at 7. That's when it set in. That's when I decided I wanted to be 16. Now I AM 16 and honestly? I get it. People listen to me, people don't talk down to me. People see me as a man, people actually seem to take my opinion into account. I respect MYSELF and they respect ME. But I also yearn for the days of sitting in front of the old tv, watching DVDs and coloring. I miss physical media. I miss jumping in puddles and playing dress up. I miss when people took care of me. I miss when I didn't have to think about my future and all the things I'll have to survive. We're experiencing world genocides again. We're expecting WWIII. I'm exempt from the draft but at what cost? The scars on my wrist and my gender identity? All the copious mood stabilizers and antipsychotics I take to survive? My history of hospitalization and residential stays? I could go on. But the truth is, I'd hate to be that age again. I'd hate to have to play pretend just for people to call me a boy. Maybe just for a day. Maybe that would help me a little. I want to understand the little boy inside me that still wants to jump in those puddles and color those pictures. Maybe I'd understand why my mom hurt so bad when she saw me in so much distress. Maybe I'd understand a lot more.

[jackks-monster]

not even ten minutes home yet and the delusions are already starting again ;~;

[dizz0]

I'm really freaked out right now. I really don't want anyone close to me dying. Please nobody die. I don't want anyone else to die.

[rqccharadreemurr]

there’s only one good thing in my life right now and it could leave so easily

[bug-infested-robot]

This is a long vent, with several segments going over things about my family

You do NOT have to read this if you don't want to, I just needed to get all of it out of my system

⚠️name dropping⚠️

⚠️mentions of perversion, misogyny, transphobia, homophobia, body shaming⚠️

I feel uncomfortable in my own home

Because almost everyday 8:00-20:00

Im home alone with disgusting sick men

"Oh but aren't you a guy?", yeah, a closted transman in a transphobic household.

And im not saying "disgusting sick men" in a sexist way, im saying that because im stuck with 2-3 guys that are horrible to me.

My dad's a fucking creep that constantly victimizes himself and refuses to respect boundaries

Joshua and Nathaniel constantly bully and harass me

Nathaniel might be worse than my dad, because he has targeted misogynistic remarks towards me, and theres been times (when I was younger) where he had walked in on me changing and just stood there staring at my privates.

I can't even be myself at home because im living with transphobic, homophobic, maga supporting, overly religious christians.

Whenever i try to express myself through my intrests im almost immediately shut down, either it being my parents finding the TINIEST FUCKING THING "demonic" somehow, or Nathaniel being a little whiney nosey bitch saying something about it that would make me parents hate. Or im just bullied.

I stopped masking my anger issues when I was around 11, and I've tried to re-mask but I haven't been able to. So whenever something makes me mad, im pretty clear about it, I can get loud and even physically aggressive.

And i am aware that its a bad thing.

One of the main triggers are my brothers, Joshua and Nathaniel, constantly picking on me. Commenting on my weight, saying I smell, etc.

I grew up with them constantly degrading me.

And what did my parents do? Absolutely FUCKING NOTHING.

Thats all of the stuff I can think of

I'll probably make another one if more stuff comes up

[angelicleadings]

|| I think I might be officially done with Twitter. I feel more sound on tumblr than I do on the other, as fun as it is.

[yearing-tgal]

i kinda wanna attempt.

do i?

i think it's more like: "i think i'd be great if i died rn"

and that's more like: "i wish i didn't think"

who came up with the idea that feelings could be described with words? they were stupid. you fucking cant.