happy new year. not so happy.
my ex-boyfriend once told me,
“one day, you will understand how you treat people and why they became so fed up of you. they left you because they were sick of you”.
awful words were exchanged during our break-up. like everything that was said to me during the break-up, i put down his venomous words down to feeling sad and betrayed. but as of late, i’m wondering whether he was right all along?
i know i’m a sensitive person. it’s a blessing and a curse. i find that when i feel that someone has betrayed me or made me feel bad, i’ve always had to explain myself to others until my face turns red. as if the actions of the person in question isn’t justifiable enough. instead, i have to sit people down, go through everything, frame by fucking frame, to prove to them that i am not in the wrong. this person has hurt me, can you not see this?
perhaps i’ve had too many situations like this that those around me think i’m unable to take responsibility for my own actions. to think outside the box and see if the ‘real’ issue is me. i am a very stubborn person, i know this. i fight hard to win my case. so, when it comes to how somebody i trust or love is treating me, i cannot see any argument in that.
i don’t mean for this to sound over-dramatic. when i trust someone, i really trust them. when i love someone, i really love then. i’ve been told by therapists that i seem to categorise people as ‘good’ and ‘evil’ - i measure people in extremes. because of this, i may exemplify bpd tendencies. this has been neither confirmed or denied so please don’t assume i’m self-diagnosing myself.
my ‘best friend’ knows that my break-up was awful. awful and hard and heart-wrenching and beyond anything i have ever experienced. my name is being dragged through the mud because of a situation that was taken out of context. i have been extradited from my ex-boyfriend’s life, his friends and his family. one of his friends was having a new years eve party, in which two of my friends - including my ‘best friend’ - were invited to. the ‘best friend’, told me as soon as she was invited. she had told me people she didn’t want me to find out about the party elsewhere and didn’t want to lose our friendship if she were to go.
hold up, you’re my ‘best friend’. it’s new years eve and although i appreciate you telling me about this party, you’ve considered going? you’re telling me it’s put you in a very awkward position because you don’t want to lose me as a friend but you still want to go? i admit, i was upset when she told me but i figured, she’s my ‘best friend’, she knows going would hurt my feelings. she’s an adult, surely she’ll make the right decision, maybe we can organise our own new years celebrations? but nothing.
a week later, we go drinking. we get drunk beyond words. i reiterate to her, please don’t go to this party, you know it will hurt me, and she proceeds to promise me she won’t go. we organise our own celebrations with another friend of ours.
i get a message from her, a couple of days before new years eve, saying that she is still so sick from the other night and she doesn’t think she’d be up for going out anywhere let alone travelling to the city. i’m disappointed but i understand.
i hear nothing until new years eve, just as i was getting ready to meet my other friend in the city. my ‘best friend’ tells me:
the party has been cancelled because of the fires however, but it’s now going to be somewhere else and i’m going. so-and-so (one of my ex’s friends) is going to pick me up. i love you so much! call me at any time. see you in the new year.
i am gutted. i cannot get over the fact that this girl, who is meant to be my ‘best friend’, who has sat with me as i cried my eyes out over the shit-show that was my break-up, is ditching me to celebrate the new year with my ex-boyfriend and his friends. not to mention, his new girl too. it’s a kick to the stomach.
i messaged her back saying that yes, i love you too, please be safe and have a good night but know that i am disappointed and what you’ve done hurts me. i want to be the bigger person, i want to drive to her house and try and make amends because right now, i’m the most alone and vulnerable i’ve ever been in my life. do i sacrifice almost ten years of my friendship for this?
maybe i’m insane? maybe it was too much to ask her not to go. i just would have expect her not to go. am i the bad person here? am i putting too much pressure on her? am i making a big deal out of something that in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t matter? my mind and my heart are in conflict.
to think, my ex-boyfriend would be at this party, with my ‘best friend’ there, thinking to myself:
‘i was right, no-one wants to be around her anymore, they’re fed up’.
alas, it’s 2020. i’m not going to message her first. i’m done with people.