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sun 5 apr, 12:07 am

i finally heard back from him. he told me that he realised after that night he spent with me that we weren’t compatible and to leave him alone. i don’t think love is meant for me. i’m trying so hard to be somebody that someone wants but the assumption that i want something more than a fuck is still there. it’s exhausting and i don’t know what to do. i hate that my life is so dependant on whether someone likes me or not.

fri 3 apr, 5:15 pm

it’s almost been a full month since i’ve written anything. for perspective, we’re currently in isolation due to a virus pandemic. i have been working from home the last two weeks and mostly staying in bed. we’re not allowed to be outside unless it’s for exercise or getting grocery shopping. it’s scary but it’s not. about four weeks before this, i met a boy. he was tall and sarcastic but kind and complimented me always. on the first date i took him to my room and as we sat there sipping on red wine and staring at each other from opposite sides of the bed, i said to him “when do you have to go?”. he told me that his last train home was in an hour so i told him that he had better use his time wisely. he lent over and kissed me and we had sex. typically how these things go, i have sex with them once and then rarely hear from them the next day but he kept messaging me back. we would talk on the phone late at night for hours. he would talk about history and war and i would pretend to be interested. it was nice to have someone fill up that time before i went to sleep. i had asked him if he thought i was overwhelming, if i was too much and felt pressure from me to make what we had something official and he said no. he didn’t. he liked me and liked spending time with me.

we saw each other two more times after that. the last time was a couple of weekends ago. he has just moved into a share house close to where i live and so i got all dressed up, put on my best make up and walked to his. his room was warm and stuffy and my hair that i had straightened for him turned frizzy but he kissed me tenderly and told me i looked lovely.

we sat in his room the entire time, drinking boxed wine and snorting ketamine. my head felt fuzzy but it was a nice fuzzy and we would make out between talking. he would play songs for me that he thought i’d like and towards the end of the night, when i was lying flat on his bed, he hovered above me and started kissing me with more need and attention. he slid his hand between my thighs, pushed them apart and put his fingers in me. he kept that going for the longest time until i came. he watched me the entire time. throughout the night, when we would sleep and wake up, blurry eyed, he would reach out for me and press himself against me. when i finally woke up, hours later, i turned over to see him looking through his phone. he saw that i was awake and didn’t hug me or kiss me. just kept scrolling, scrolling, scrolling through his phone. i felt as if i had overstayed my welcome. he asked me what i was doing that day and i said nothing, hoping he’d ask me to stay longer but he shrugged and told me he had to do uni work. i told him, if you want me to go, that’s okay, just say it and he laughed and said, yeah actually, it would be best. i got dressed slowly. when i sat down to put my shoes on, he’d play with my hair and i’d look over at him, wanting him to kiss me and fuck me but that never happened. he walked me out the front of his house and shook my hand before leaving. i stood there for a few moments, confused. then walked home. i haven’t heard from him since that morning and i can’t help but feel exhausted by the prospect of finding anyone to want me longer than three fucking weeks.

mon 2 mar, 4:29 pm

i want to make so many promises to myself. i want to start eating better, exercise, listen to the doctor when they tell you that it can improve your mental health. i want to meet people who make me feel that it’s okay to expect too much from them, because i want them to be the best people in my life. i deserve the best. i want to lower my expectations but ultimately, i end up disappointed but maybe that’s okay? i need to not feel so hurt when they disappoint me and accept that people aren’t perfect. i want to start saving money. i want to pay off all my debts. i want to get my teeth fixed because i have two holes in both of my back molars and sometimes it’s so painful that i want to die but then sometimes it’s not and i use that as an excuse to not go to the dentist. i want to go back on the pill and skip my period forever. i want to never feel jealousy again. i want to learn to be happy without having to be in a relationship. i want to learn to be happy without being on medication. i want to learn to be happy on my own. i want to live in a studio apartment on my own. i want to read so many books, actually start fucking reading them. i want to prove to the people that have left me that i am going to be okay without them and that i’m not a lost cause and that i can be a good person.

sun 9 feb, 10:01 pm

i’m so tired of seeking validation from strangers. that’s all i want to say at the moment.

tue 14 jan, 11:32 am

we’re officially two weeks into the new year. i started my new job last monday and i’m trying so hard to be the perfect employee. showing up to work 45 minutes before my shift starts, making breakfast, snacking on fruit, drinking two litres of water a day, eating a healthy lunch. however, i was late on friday and now i’m off sick today with a cold so i already feel like i’ve fucked up. i have to keep reminding myself - you’ve only been there for a week and two days, it’s okay, everyone is still on holidays so it’s not going to matter right now - but i’m so inside my own head about everything. i’ve put so much into this job signifying my new start. i don’t want to set myself up for failure and disappointment but the feeling is already creeping in. i stayed at my parents on the weekend whilst they went to the city. i went out on saturday with a guy i had semi-interest in before i met my ex-boyfriend. it was more that i felt alone and he gave me enough attention that i considered it flirting. i was already very drunk before we have organised to go out. he drove me to the club and drove me back home and after a few seconds (what felt like very long, long minutes), i invited him to come inside and he said no. i sat there for a few more pseudo-minutes and asked him if i could kiss him. he said no. i proceeded to get out of his car, slam the car door shut, dramatically open my front door and also slam it shut and then i spent the next hour crying on the bathroom floor, telling myself that i’m alone and that no-one will love me ever again. on the sunday morning, i invited my first boyfriend over whilst i was still hungover and we had sex. it was rough and for most of it i was out of my body. after he finished, we had very stilted small-talk before he got dressed and left without saying goodbye. i’ve been thinking a lot about love. i miss being loved and loving someone. i was reading through the ex-boyfriend’s facebook messaged between him and i and god, to know someone like i knew him seems so unimaginable now. i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to be like that with someone ever again. especially when now, i just feel so disposable. i meet a guy, we fuck, he leaves. i meet a guy, we don’t fuck, he gets bored, he ghosts me. even at this new job, i start picturing my life with every new colleague i meet. maybe we’ll have an office romance and it will be fun and exciting and it will spark a light in me because i clearly can’t live a life without a companion. but we’d be happy and i’ll be loved again except my brain won’t be so messed up this time. but i should be thinking about my work, not the boy who sits next to me at work. i think my ex-boyfriend is very happy with his new girl. i’m selfish so i’m hating it.

thu 2 jan, 7:19 pm

happy new year. not so happy. my ex-boyfriend once told me, “one day, you will understand how you treat people and why they became so fed up of you. they left you because they were sick of you”. awful words were exchanged during our break-up. like everything that was said to me during the break-up, i put down his venomous words down to feeling sad and betrayed. but as of late, i’m wondering whether he was right all along? i know i’m a sensitive person. it’s a blessing and a curse. i find that when i feel that someone has betrayed me or made me feel bad, i’ve always had to explain myself to others until my face turns red. as if the actions of the person in question isn’t justifiable enough. instead, i have to sit people down, go through everything, frame by fucking frame, to prove to them that i am not in the wrong. this person has hurt me, can you not see this? perhaps i’ve had too many situations like this that those around me think i’m unable to take responsibility for my own actions. to think outside the box and see if the ‘real’ issue is me. i am a very stubborn person, i know this. i fight hard to win my case. so, when it comes to how somebody i trust or love is treating me, i cannot see any argument in that. i don’t mean for this to sound over-dramatic. when i trust someone, i really trust them. when i love someone, i really love then. i’ve been told by therapists that i seem to categorise people as ‘good’ and ‘evil’ - i measure people in extremes. because of this, i may exemplify bpd tendencies. this has been neither confirmed or denied so please don’t assume i’m self-diagnosing myself. my ‘best friend’ knows that my break-up was awful. awful and hard and heart-wrenching and beyond anything i have ever experienced. my name is being dragged through the mud because of a situation that was taken out of context. i have been extradited from my ex-boyfriend’s life, his friends and his family. one of his friends was having a new years eve party, in which two of my friends - including my ‘best friend’ - were invited to. the ‘best friend’, told me as soon as she was invited. she had told me people she didn’t want me to find out about the party elsewhere and didn’t want to lose our friendship if she were to go. hold up, you’re my ‘best friend’. it’s new years eve and although i appreciate you telling me about this party, you’ve considered going? you’re telling me it’s put you in a very awkward position because you don’t want to lose me as a friend but you still want to go? i admit, i was upset when she told me but i figured, she’s my ‘best friend’, she knows going would hurt my feelings. she’s an adult, surely she’ll make the right decision, maybe we can organise our own new years celebrations? but nothing. a week later, we go drinking. we get drunk beyond words. i reiterate to her, please don’t go to this party, you know it will hurt me, and she proceeds to promise me she won’t go. we organise our own celebrations with another friend of ours. i get a message from her, a couple of days before new years eve, saying that she is still so sick from the other night and she doesn’t think she’d be up for going out anywhere let alone travelling to the city. i’m disappointed but i understand. i hear nothing until new years eve, just as i was getting ready to meet my other friend in the city. my ‘best friend’ tells me: the party has been cancelled because of the fires however, but it’s now going to be somewhere else and i’m going. so-and-so (one of my ex’s friends) is going to pick me up. i love you so much! call me at any time. see you in the new year. i am gutted. i cannot get over the fact that this girl, who is meant to be my ‘best friend’, who has sat with me as i cried my eyes out over the shit-show that was my break-up, is ditching me to celebrate the new year with my ex-boyfriend and his friends. not to mention, his new girl too. it’s a kick to the stomach. i messaged her back saying that yes, i love you too, please be safe and have a good night but know that i am disappointed and what you’ve done hurts me. i want to be the bigger person, i want to drive to her house and try and make amends because right now, i’m the most alone and vulnerable i’ve ever been in my life. do i sacrifice almost ten years of my friendship for this? maybe i’m insane? maybe it was too much to ask her not to go. i just would have expect her not to go. am i the bad person here? am i putting too much pressure on her? am i making a big deal out of something that in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t matter? my mind and my heart are in conflict. to think, my ex-boyfriend would be at this party, with my ‘best friend’ there, thinking to myself: ‘i was right, no-one wants to be around her anymore, they’re fed up’. alas, it’s 2020. i’m not going to message her first. i’m done with people.

mon 30 dec, 10:36 pm

a second post? oh, please! you’re too kind. here you were thinking i was a one-post wonder but here i am, ready to take on the new year. if i can congratulate myself on posting online journal entries semi-regularly, imagine what i could do if i got my life in order? maybe drink more water? go on daily walks? reach my ten-thousand step limit every. damn. day. wondrous and hopefully achievable but one day at a time. i seem to be going through stages. i miss my ex-boyfriend. our inside jokes, getting ready together in the mornings before work, the fact that there was no shame in anything we did in front of each other because we were just…being. but then i think, late at night, when i can’t sleep, maybe i just miss the contact. the warm body next to me, the arm resting over my stomach as though to protect me. there was validation in those touches. more than the validation you get when you match with someone you swiped right on. the kind of validation where you were loved, regardless of what shit you carried on your shoulders. fuck, maybe it’s the sex? do i miss sex that i could commit to? whenever i was denied sex because he was tired from work, i would lay there next to him and feel sad and rejected. not in the way that made me feel that i wasn’t good enough for him, but in the way where i always felt unsatisfied and frustrated. i thought about other men, women, constantly but i didn’t ever want to stray from him. now that i’m single, living in the city and have the prospect of casual sex, literally at my finger-tips, it’s not as exciting and risky. it’s the same kind of dull sadness i felt when i was in a long-term commitment with someone. i am not satisfied. but see, this is where i get confused. i’m not satisfied because i want these strangers to stay in bed with me for longer than twenty minutes before calling an uber and never speaking to me again. it’s this silent agreement once i open my legs - that i’m disposable, you will not commit to me, if i even mildly suggest it, you will claim that i’m “too intense”. i’m so used to being in a relationship. what am i meant to do now? what am i meant to do with this love? nothing prepares for this. we put ourselves through heartbreak so voluntarily. it’s emotional suicide but it feels so good to love and be loved. it’s new years eve tomorrow and that idea that i won’t be spending it with him - that’s the side i miss.

tues 17 dec, 12:59 pm

for years i wanted a journal, or a blog. a place where i could store my thoughts, capture memories and events in my life that i could look back on and smile, cry or laugh at. i feel like i’ve already lived so much of my life already, what would be the point in starting now? i want to remain as anonymous as possible because at the end of it all, this is a place for me and me only. if anyone were to stumble across this accidentally, or on purpose, maybe they’d gain some solace knowing that a woman on the wrong side of twenty-five has resorted in an online diary to get her feelings out rather than communicating them to another human being. of course, for the ten or so followers i already have on this blog, we share a very precious secret. you know who i am. that’s pretty special but it also leaves me in a very vulnerable place. i’m trusting you with my identity. it’s not a heavy burden to carry, don’t worry. so, where do i start? there is so much i want to say and to capture in my first post. right now, i feel that i am at my lowest. after recently coming out of a near six-year relationship with a man i called so obnoxiously to everyone that would listen “the love of my life”, i feel trapped in a bubble of my own self-indulgence, depression, loneliness and hopelessness. the break-up was not mutual. he found out that i had kissed somebody at a party (that story in its entirety is for another, dreadful time because context always matters), told me i was a terrible person and when he started packing his belongings, i told him that if he left, i would take all my medication in an attempt to kill myself. yes, i know that emotional manipulation. no, i don’t feel good about it. we sat on the living room floor of our new apartment as he cradled me. he had pinned down my wrists down beside his legs so i couldn’t grab the nearest sharp object, or the packet of pain killers in a means to harm myself. now to think of it, that would have been the last time we were so intimately connected. later that day, he had called my parents because i refused to leave the bedroom. i was a mess of tears and snot and when my parents finally arrived at our apartment, they scooped me up, wrapped me in the thickest coat and guided me to their car to take me home.

home. fucking hell. i never thought i would be back. he’s seeing another girl now. i’ve seen a picture of her at his family home, with his mother. a woman i adored and had a wonderful relationship with. she hasn’t reached out to me since the break-up but then why would she? i deleted his number. i unfriended him on facebook as well as his friends. this doesn’t stop me from scrolling through my phone late at night, smiling at old photos and videos of us. we were happy. at least i think we were. i don’t know if he really was. anyway, this is where i’m at. i’ve moved into a share-house with two other women. they’re nice. i’ve been taking leave without pay without my family knowing. they are financially supporting me and i feel awful for it. i sleep all day in hopes to forget about the sadness but it doesn’t work. i am so tired all the time. emotionally and physically tired. maybe i can look back at this post in a year’s time and laugh because i will be in such a better place than i am now but that feels like forever away. but right now, i feel like i have no-one and i feel like i am the main reason for that. people have gotten fed up of me because i am an awful person. i really just want next year to come and sweep me up in a wave of happiness and contentment. it’s really hard living like this.

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-` appletooth ´-