Sometimes I get this unsettling feeling like I’m doing everything horribly wrong. But I continue to put trust in the universe and trust in where I am in life. Except the problem is that I have no clue. Whatsoever. I don’t have a clue about what I want anymore. I don’t have a clue about what I’m doing. I’m kind of just going through the notions. But there are days when I wake up and think to myself, this is right. I am where I should be and there are endless opportunities in front of me. But with the snap of my fingers that feeling is gone. It’s like this sudden flash of realization hits me. “Get your shit together,” I tell myself. “Move the fuck on.” It’s like a craving I can’t satisfy. An itch that I can’t scratch. I’m beginning to think my idea of happiness is not what it used to be. But it’s all so tiring. I am very tired. When I think I’m happy I have to work to maintain it. The drugs don’t help and I’ve stopped and the binge drinking is only temporary. Every one of my past outlets only make me more upset, as if the mere effort is already a sign of failure in the future. I’m not afraid to fail, I just can’t seem to win by my own standards. And with that, how do I even begin to express this to people? I used to live unnoticed. But now people are recognizing a person I am not. Holy fck…
