What really happened.
This is the first time I’ve really talked about it since it happened. I feel like I should talk about because if I don’t, I’ll never be ready to. It was during 2014. I remember everything that happened in that short time like it happened yesterday.
We had known eachother for awhile, and were kind of friends that had developed into something greater and more powerful. Well, I was a freshman/sophomore in high school when it happened, she was homeschooled by her aunt.
Well there was this other girl I’ll call Laura. Well, Laura and I were pretty good friends when I found out they were talking, from Bre. We were both talking to her and I guess we both fell for her around the same time because we were on the bus one day when she had said that she liked a girl. She didn’t say a name so I had no idea it was her. I told her that I had started to develop feelings for this beautiful girl as well. She thought it was cute so she asked me who it was, but I told her to tell me first, and she did. She straight out said “Bre L****” I felt my heart jump and break at the same time if that makes any sense. Well to me it makes sense now because this wouldn’t be the last time I feel that horrible feeling.
I just stared at her for a little bit and she looked at me and I think she understood what happened. She looked so shocked and angry. She put her earphones in and looked away from me. This was the last time I talked to her.
Well, fast forward a little and I questioned Bre about it and she said it was true. My heart… was so broken. I really liked this girl and she just blew it off. So, they ended up dating… I was so angry. I couldn’t tell anyone about it because my family was against these sorts of relationships and my friends wouldn’t understand. But, during their relationship she would still talk to me. It was so hard talking to her because I had known that I’d never get to have her or see her the way Laura did. She was such a beautiful person. Inside and out. She was so free spirited and I strived to be like her. I strived to have her. So, Bre and I had considered ourselves “together” after awhile of this.
I was content with this because I felt like if I wanted her, this is how it would happen. This was the only way I could have gotten the girl I loved so much.
I loved her. I loved her so much it hurt. It was like she took complete control of my life and heart.
So, somewhere along the lines of everything, Bre and I decided to go out on a date… to the movies. Oh my gosh I was so nervous. I had never been this nervous in my life for anything. I was finally going to get to be with the love of my life. I was finally going to be able to see her, feel her, touch her… hear her heartbeat. I was excited as well.
I walked into that damned theater looking around, and… that’s when I saw her. She was so beautiful. My heart skipped a beat just looking at her. When she saw me, a big smile covered her face. I walked up to her and I was just speechless. We both were. It hit me that we were in public, and that any of Laura’s friends could be there. I informed her on my uncertainties, and she just took my hand and told me that she didn’t care. She soothed every fear that crawled around in my mind. This was the moment I wanted to re-live over and over again with her. This was the girl I wanted in my life forever.
Who knew forever would be cut so damn short.
So, during our date we went to go hang out in the mini-golf course. This was the place I couldn’t go into for the longest time. I still feel her when I go there. This was the place I had my first and last kiss with a female. It was so… sacred. I felt that she opened me up to something that I could never let go of. The feeling of being around her was a feeling you’d get when you’re high. I felt like I was floating when I was in her presence.
After that night things went well. Until Laura found out. It felt like everything came crashing down, including me. I remember that conversation with Bre. She had told me that Laura was making her choose. I already knew who she was choosing so I just told her that I’d always be there. Always. I feel like I’d still be here if she ever came back…
Well, things didn’t go so well after that. Our conversations got shorter and shorter until they were all together non-existent.
I was so sad. So broken that she just dropped everything for Laura. I would’ve given her whatever she wanted just for her to be content. I would have given her the moon, the stars, the sun, anything… everything. For her.
We had a huge argument about everything that had happened. I told her that I loved her and I just wanted her to be in my life. She was everything that I wanted in my life. She was everything that was… good in my life. We had just decided to not talk at all.
Well, the next night I got an instagram notification saying that she had commented on my picture. She told me to stay the same and to not change for anyone. She told me that she was sorry and that she loves me. I was so angry. I felt like she was playing with my emotions. So… I deleted that comment.
A decision that I’d soon regret.
Well… one day I was sitting in my world history class when I got a text from Laura. I wasn’t on great terms with her of course, so I just asked her what she wanted so she’d just leave me be… I wish I hadn’t asked. She proceeded to tell me that Bre’s aunt had found her dead at a park.
She killed herself…
She shot herself.
In that moment I didn’t feel anything. I felt numb. I was so indenial. I couldn’t believe it. I refused to believe it. I just thought that this was her cruel way of getting me to leave them alone. That whole day i felt like this. Even through the night.
The next day I left my phone at home and my mom had gotten to it. She found everything between Bre and I. She had no idea that Bre was now dead. She sent me off to my room and as soon as I got there my whole world came crashing down. I finally felt the effects of what Laura had said. I have never cried so much in my life. My heart was feeling that ugliness again… My mom came in and tried to comfort me, I pushed her away. I pushed everyone away after that. I still continue to push people away when the try to bring it up.
I was so depressed… So hurt. My heart felt like it had shattered. I felt like my life was over.
I didn’t want to talk about it, I couldn’t. It was something that Bre and I shared. No one could ever understand that love we shared..
I try to push it away. I try to forget everything that had happened. I try to forget what we had. I try so fucking hard to let go… but I can’t… I don’t want to… I don’t want to forget her, in fear that it would hurt her. I prayed so hard. I prayed that God would just bring her back to me. I prayed that God would just let me see her, feel her, touch her again… hear her heartbeat one more time… but she’s gone. I was angry at myself, I was angry at everyone, I was even angry at God. I was angry because I felt like he just took my happiness away without a care. I had such a hard time with my spirituality after that
She isn’t coming back… I’ve come to terms with this.
It became so hard to love someone 100% when all I could think about was Bre. She was forever burned into my heart. She took a little piece of my heart and soul when she left. I was never the same after that. She changed me so much.. She left an imprint in my heart, my mind… my soul. I couldn’t get with anyone after. I couldn’t get with girls because she was all I saw. I gave up girls all together.
I am no longer interested in females because of this.
I loved her. I still continue to love her and I’m not ashamed of it. I feel no regret when I think about all that we had been through. I find myself thinking about her at some point of my day, everyday. I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. I don’t care if you think out relationship wasn’t “real” because to me, it was the most real, the most raw love I have ever felt.
And that… that’s what really happened. Happy now? Because I’m feeling that heartbreak all over again just writing this.
@thatgrizzlynigga
These five years have passed by so quickly...
