WAKING DREAM @aprilshowerscomemayflowers - Tumblr Blog

Killian/Gamble - 25(in april) - he/they - Orange fictive

video game is happening in real life right now this is my account to be unwell on i like stick figures and creepypastas and nothing else ever. i am a fairy and a life/light player and i have 400 ocs. i live on your computer ☝ and i will NOT come out. i am also jevil, and a slot machine. official digital pet. my play pretend account where i do what i want. i selfship with my oc Juno Lovette and post about him a lot. because i liiiike him. 😋

i feel like ive been forced to be an emotional mediator in my life so many times and then those very same people are like wtf why do you need to play and laugh and have so much fun all the time bro because you are fucking draining me so bad by forcing me to reassure you you aren't a bad person for saying no to me. just fucking say no man.

#and then i say no directly and theyre like WOAHW AHT WHAT THE FUCK #and im not even good at saying no directly #its because im formal and use a lot of therapy speak i guess. a lot of words which makes it sound like im angry i guess #hums

when we broke up they said they didnt want to "become one of the bad people in my stories even though they know thats inevitable" and i think thats a fucking crazy ass thing to say. like wow thanks for making it sound like i make up all my abuse and that im overexaggerating the way people youve never met in your life have treated me.

#and i said something along the lines of i don't think thats inevitable because you arent actively abusing me like they were #and i dont remember how they responded at the moment #but its one of those things where its like #i know thats not what they meant. i know thats not what they meant.#but they need to stop and think about the things they're implying about themself implies about ME.#like whats the options here man #either #1) youre self depreciating in your break up in hopes of softening the blow or getting me to comfort your insecurities #2) youre self depreciating because you genuinely feel like a bad person or feel like youre abusing me without giving me a chance to even #express autonomy on how youre making me feel or check in with me to reassure yourself #3) youre implying that you think that i make up the abuse stories or over exaggerate the way people have treated me and expect me to too #simply because youre breaking up with me. implying you think i cant handle being broken up with without killing myself #even though i have expressed multiple times that in the past ive ended on good terms with a bunch of my exs who have broken up with me or #vice versa.#like think about what youre saying man #because none of those options are good regardless of if its coming from self hate or not!

anyways. thank you for listening to tonights version of me complaining abotu a very small and calm conversation me and my roommate had because im mentally ill and my thoughts pile up on eachother and explode out if i dont put them somewhere else.

#i think at some point i just need to pull them aside and talk to them about the way i feel like they keep stepping on my toes while also not #allowing me much room to do the same for them and see how they respond to dthat. but in the moment theyre triggering the utter shit out of #me right now and its kind of driving me fucking crazy and i need somewhere to just epxlode about it when it happens so it doesnt leech out #you know who its making me feel like?#darcy every time theyre living temporarily with jury #yeah theyre driving me insane and talking down to me and dont even seem to realize how theyre holding their wealth over me at all times and #are projecting a bunch of weirfd anxieties and fears onto me at all times and then blaming me for them. but im stealing shit out of their #house. so it makes up for it #(im not stealing shit but i do owe them money)#hums

the part thats frustrating me is that they assumed that i was talking about the occasional vague post i make about them instead of all the other emotional posting that they complain about and its like no man i honestly dont care if you see posts i make about you on that account and infact if i ever make a post there that does make you feel upset in that way id prefer if you told me because i do try to be conscious about what i allow myself to say baout you. but i dont think they believe i have that thought process. i think they see me saying that as me trying to "get away with" posting about them. when in reality i really dont.... care........ dude im talking about you bringing up how fucking deoressed i am all the time and how youre having to learn how to be ok with me saying "no" to your help what dont you understand

#hums

i need more friends so i can gauge how i feel about people. thats one of the harder issues about having no friends and being schizophrenic and isolated. i cant ever tell if my feeling towards someone is a gut reaction or an over reaction because i dont have friends to compare my gut reactions to.

#but i think as i get older im kind of deciding that the difference between them kind of doesnt matter?#....or more like. your life is shaped by your reactions. right?#so if my over reaction feels like my gut reaction and i react the way its telling me to and it frames my life in a way where those things #dont happen its like well thats what i would want right? so is it an over reaction? or #what makes something an over reaction vs a generic disagreement of choices #hums

all i do is get possessed by karma and stupid idiot trifle and turn evil on my blog and then during the day i rb pictures of water. and thats literally all i do.

#hums

its also because they really dont like when i talk about internet drama at all. which is also really funny because one time a billion years ago i made a post saying i wished they were a bigger hater so we could gossip more often because i love to gossip over nothing and they got really butt hurt and was like i'm a huge hater what are you talking about. and i was like yeah but not in the same way. so i'm sure they arent talking to me about it because they dont want to hear about it in general. which i can get being annoyed by but again its like if you're that stressed about my online activities maybe we could just talk about it like adults and i can reassure you or something. i dont fucking know.

#i do genuinely get finding it annoying its a guilty pleasure of mine and probably not the best for me mentally but i dont know. and this #type of interactions or behavior has never particularly been one that has gotten me in trouble. like the thing is i just genuinely DO get #along with people who act like this for the most part. there is a reason i dated a lot of really weird freak 4chan guys in highschool #which i can understand finding really distasteful or annoying to listen to but if its stressing them out enough theyre panicking about it #and asking me to delete my posts on my own blog its like............ ok. ...... well at that point shouldnt you unfollow me #its not that i wont delete posts. its that its not really a behavior i intend to stop doing?#i can delete the specific post with the specific thing in it but i'm not going to stop say: having funny conversations with an ouma kinnie #hums

idk. im just so frustrated that they arent treating me like an adult.

#hums

the frustrating part of this whole thing with pj i guess for me with angel is i dont think they really super fundamentally understand that 1) i like talking to people like this and 2) a lot of the time, people like this like talking to me. i know its like ~fucked up~ that its calling me slurs and whatever but that isn't really something that phases me. i think the idea is very much like "slurs = hostile intention" when in reality we're playing like . redditor-catch. i dont think someone who actually wants to hurt me would honestly tell me it was crying, that it wanted to use it/its pronouns, set a boundary and then continued to play again once it calmed down. i think its likely just someone from 4chan who doesnt know what to do with the fact that im not a piece of shit and im fun to banter with. and again IM being entertained by it too. we're both entertaining eachother.

#they keep talking about how mentally unwell it is and its like yeah it is. but also ive shown you like two screenshots #and if you spoke to me like an adult i could you know communicate with you. but you dont #ugh #hums

angel voice: i know youre the one with the history of stalking and have had to deal with that multiple times in your life and have gotten a restraining order against someone and have had to manage your entire life making sure your privacy is kept safe but like i think you should listen to MY ideas of personal safety because i have thought this through further than you. also btw i ltierally cannot understand why you're mad at me that i have an app on my phone that tells me where every package youre getting is coming from and i have control over your laundry money and also paid for your keys for you so you had to pay me back and also why you got really mad at me that one time when i joked about wanting to go through your mail.

#hums #really funny how theyre like 'its not about following you its about you making the post. even if i unfollowed you id be anxious about you #posting that stuff so its not really about seeing it' and yet they still don't get why the mail tracking thing makes me upset #'oh did you want me to stop mentioning it?' no i just wish you didnt know everything about my fucking mail.#and the fact that you also are now seeing it and not mentioning it is crazy! and does not comfort me! but you know!#thats something i gotta cope with!

i think theyre scared that pj wants to actually kill me is the thing. i can tell what this is about, and if they feel like that genuinely i'd expect them to you know confront me like an adult about it and i could you know maube show them the dms between me and pj and show them that like 90% of them are just us dicking around and playing. and they have paranoia issues. i get it! but what i dont appreciate the descision to instead attempt to tip toe around talking to me about it because you think i either won't be receptive or won't have anything helpful to say. no, angel. i would not be talking to someone i thought actually wanted to kill me. i have not gone through everything on the fucking internet ive already gone through to come out on the other side willing to talk to people i think genuinely want to hurt me.

#i genuinely think pj wants to be my friend. i do not think this person has any ill will at all. and they think the person does because i #showed them a video i recorded of pj sending JUST DIE ALREADY like 600000000000 times while laughing about it #and im sure that scared them but also. like. we are literally playing.#im posting the shit thats fucking crazy but its very clear im talking to like . i dont know. a 20 year old trans person who isn't out yet #and wants someone to talk about danganronpa and ffxii to. and im not going to be that person. but this isnt something i think is realistic #to be afraid of. and its also kind of triggering me and pissing me off how they will liuterally witness me get sexually harrassed in public #and then ask why im crying/insist that i should be comforting THEM bc they thought the guy was talking to THEM or how ill get threatened #in public and then they just characterize me as a weird hermit like okayyyyyyy (RIPS OUT HAIR)#hums

yeah man yeah the posts i make about you? thats what you thought i was referring to? you thought i was referring to posts i make about you when i said that and not the posts and emotions youve compared to "being forced to listen to your veteran grandpa" ??????? yeah man???

#idk its pretty frustrating!!!#dude i dont post about you where you can see. if you feel like you are seeing posts about you i think youre just maybe seeing our own trait #reflected in general complaints im making about the world.#god its just driving me nuts #i fucking hate being read in the worst light ever man all the fucking time!!!!!!!!#hums

HOW. DO I KEEP ENDING UP IN RELATIONSHIPS. WHERE PEOPLE ASSUME ANY BOUNDARY OF MINE OR ANY PUSHBACK. IS ME TRYING TO FUCKING KILL THEM. *GRABS SIDNEY* YOYU!!!!!!

#hums

roommate messaged me about a post i made and dwas like hey im fine with you posting this kind of thing but in the future can you not do xyz and i was like oh yeah sorry. i dont think its that big of a deal but ill keep that in mind in the future. and they were like yeah. but it is a big deal anyways. and i replied with alright. and they were like actually can you delete the post its making me really anxious and i said yeah man ill delete the post. and then i said hey in the future though it might be easier for you to unfollow my blog in general. you mention in passing sometimes that my posts stress you out whether it be something like this or my personal emotional issues and maybe for your own comfort it might just be better that you unfollow me. and they were like it just makes me uncomfortable that youre making the post in general and not that im aware of it, it isn't the same as you making a vent post about me (not what i said) and i was like that's not what i said, i said i won't do it again but in the future it generally might just be more comfortable for you to unfollow in general. youve brought it up sometimes recently that it stresses you out. and they responded with "ive brought up like one thing every six months im not constantly watching what youre posting" and i feel like im going insane. like what the hell is happening man. said i was just trying to be helpful and then clarified that i didn't mean making posts about them, i meant making the type of posts that they bring up distress them because im suicidal/panicked and they know they cant help. which they bring up. a lot. waiting for a reply now but man i just fucking hate this weird. everything. everythings always fucking weird.

#the thing is i get why they asked me to delete the post. i think their reasoning is paranoid but i also will delete a post if they ask #i also wish they asked more directly instead of dancing around it which annoyed me. and now theyre being weird and hostile because i wasnt #going to sugar coat the fact that i do think this is kind of weird for them to ask me to do. im not going to pretend i dont feel weird bein #instructed to delete a post that i dont entirely think matters. but also hey whatever man. i get it i get being paranoid #and i dont like the way theyre talking to me in response and its making me realize how rarely i push back against essentially aything they #ask me to do. and how rarely they agree with me #recently i told thme i dont want iambe going in my room or under my bed because shes been sick and its stressing me out about her throwing #up in my room and they kept trying to reassure me that she hasnt been puking #huh. wow

i dont like focalin though bc i can remember things now and i dont want to.

#i cant believe i entirely forgot about those two thats fucking crazy #i guess its bc i never knew their names. just junko and izuru. and i guess they didnt know mine either #i kind of forgot those werent kin memories. those were real people i knew in real life not like a kin memory i had with junko #weird. anyways #hope theyre doing ok

i <3 10mg of focalin and (looks up edible ccalculator online) about 30mg of weed oil

#hums

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