may flowers

born from my showers

[aprilssparelife]

Lost in time

floating

what did you say?

sorry I wasn’t here

there

got me again

remembering the feeling

of being told what to feel

how to think

what to do

submitting

to authority

remitting

my own story

denying

all reality

to stay put

to stay good

to be saved

to stay

alive

[aprilssparelife]

Overwhelmed Obedience

The rising tide begins to swell

*snap*

the sands obey

[aprilssparelife]

It’s the darkness

it’s heavy

it’s an order tall

it’s everything all at once

it’s nothing at all

it’s unbearable sadness

it’s irredeemable sin

it’s “I’m sorry” on repeat

it’s “please love me again”

it’s wanting to disappear

it’s wanting to find a friend

it’s just that I’m tired

it’s wanting this to end

it’s knowing it will get better

it’s waiting and waiting and waiting until then

[aprilssparelife]

Sacred Rage

Shooting through my guts 

like mercury rain 

feeling every drop 

turning page after page 

of this memoir 

of sacred rage

Held quietly for eons to save the face

given to me by another name 

lest I bring the wrong kind of attention 

to this forbidden world of

Sacred rage

The truth

I feel in my body now 

once lost to me on false account 

of denial in the name of Holy peace 

only smiles 

don’t you dare let it show 

this blazing glow 

of Sacred Rage

But it burns bright as a nebulous explosion 

lighting up the sky 

full exposure 

no silo on earth could possibly contain this scalding flow 

of SACRED RAGE

[aprilssparelife]

missing bones

Total lack of understanding

or maybe understood too well

the horror of a sleepless night taken down a dark road

Bearing witness to the aftermath

holding it in the palm of their hand

letting it slip through like sand

Revealing like a magic trick

a new conception

void of any malice

covered in shame and judgment

putting the heavy cloak on me

demanding I wear it, instead of them

Safety, a concept lost in the winds

of obedience

to higher purpose found beneath the ground

It seems

the bones found within the grave

are missing

the one meant to save

another from from the torment they themselves received

Total lack of empathy

hollow eyes

dark soul

Only goal

to take as many down

with them as they fall

deeper

deeper

into the abyss

of the male gaze. 

[aprilssparelife]

[aprilssparelife]

I wanna be the girl with the most cake

[aprilssparelife]

[aprilssparelife]

[aprilssparelife]

LA sunset vibes ☁️✨

[aprilssparelife]

[aprilssparelife]

Saturday’s have such a vibey vibe. ✨☁️

[aprilssparelife]

[aprilssparelife]

[aprilssparelife]

Heavy Lifting

I don’t want to live in the past

but I carry so much baggage with me into the future.

I go back to try and convince them to take some of it,

I go back to try and give some of it back,

to become lighter

I go back to come out free of burden;

but I get distracted on my way

and end up finding more treasury goods

and putting them into my suitcases

holding the zippers tight

as I try to close them in

and I return to the now

heavier than before.

My best idea has been to go back to the past and try to leave the baggage there,

but time and time again it seems to fail.

Then a thought occurs to me,

“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

do something different.

So I stop.

I look up,

forward

to the great beyond.

the light shining so bright and warm,

it nearly blinds me,

entranced.

I place the cases on the ground beside me

and I release my grasp

my eyes so focused on the light;

I stand erect and feel a floating freedom

from whence I walk forward

into the day

just me—

let’s see

what’s next.

[aprilssparelife]

For anyone who needs it. ❤️

[aprilssparelife]

November is for momma. "November" by Azure Ray