Genderdentity

Blogging about everyday life as a genderfluid adventurer.

[stephenbendelow-blog]

How Health-Shaming Led To Substance Abuse.

By Stephen Bendelow.

TRIGGER WARNING: HEALTH-SHAMING, DOCTOR’S SURGERIES, MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, DEPRESSION

A few years ago, after suffering with a sore throat for a number of weeks, I decided to visit my doctor (being in full-time employment I’d tend to avoid spending my day off in a waiting room so I’d only ever make an appointment when things were really bad).

What happened in his office sent me into a traumatic shame-spiral from which I barely escaped with my life.

I was asked by the “doctor” if I smoked. I answered “yes” even though I couldn’t see what relevance my recreational habits should have to my medical problem.

The doctor then looked accusingly at me over the rim of his glasses and asked me how much I smoked. By now I was becoming quite nervous. I could sense his attitude towards me was becoming extremely hostile and it was quite obvious that he didn’t agree with my lifestyle even though it was none of his business.

“About 20 a day, I suppose” I said, trying to keep a note of fear from my voice.

“Well, I suggest you cut down. It’s having a negative impact on your health and your sore throat is directly linked to smoking cigarettes.”

I was absolutely stunned. I felt the world tilt and grow deafeningly loud as the room started to spin. He had sent me into a full blown panic attack. I vaguely remember diving for the door, and darting out. I barely managed to escape, stumbling and falling against the walls, desperately trying to escape the fortress of oppression as the feeling of panic engulfed me.

I’d come to be cured of an illness, by a supposed medical professional, and he had sat there and JUDGED ME! The emotional pain was incredible.

For weeks afterwards I couldn’t sleep. I’d stay up for hours, smoking, watching late night shopping channels and biting my nails. My mind was forever turning to the humiliation I was subjected to and, inevitably, I began self-harming.

My weapon of choice was not a razor or a knife but lettuce. I’d gorge myself on cold, crispy, iceberg lettuce. I’d devour the stuff with no thought for myself, bite after bite. I knew my lettuce intake was becoming abusive, was actively harming my body, but I just didn’t care. At one point I was eating half a lettuce A DAY.

I’d regularly find myself naked in public and covered with half eaten lettuce leaves with no recollection of what had happened or how I had got there. I couldn’t see a way out.

The cycle of self-harm only stopped when my local shop closed down and my access to a quick lettuce-fix was dealt a severe blow. The nearest greengrocer was over a mile away and I can’t drive. There was only one thing to do.

I went cold turkey (perhaps cold-leaf is a more apt term) and eventually, after a withdrawal hell I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, the edge went from my cravings and I started the long road to recovery (no thanks to the medical profession!).

Maybe if doctors thought about the impact of their “advice” then cases like this would be less common?  Maybe if medical shaming was a criminal offence I wouldn’t have had to live with the nightmare of substance addiction?

Whatever happens, I’d advise you NOT to visit the doctor if you have a medical problem. We’re fortunate enough to live in a world where the entire history of medicine is available at our fingertips on Google and Wikipedia. I suggest we use these sites to our advantage, for the good of our health.

-Stephen Bendelow

[stephenbendelow-blog]

Birthday Gift

A poem my Stephen Bendelow

Wrap, wrap, wrap

Wrap the gift in bright paper

Tape, tape, tape

Tape it with sellotaper (sellotape)

Write, Write, Write

Write the tag with a pen

Give, Give, Give

Give the gift to a frien (friend)

[stephenbendelow-blog]

The Farmer Tills The Field. The Soldier Drowns It In Blood.

“If we resort to the gun before considering the pen the page will always remain blank.”

- Stephen Bendelow

Has a soldier ever ploughed the earth? Has a mercenary ever sown a seed? Has a Navy Admiral ever administered hot Lemsip to a sickly ear of corn?

Nay.

Nay.

Thrice Nay.

In a world full of soldiers we would forget the taste of bread and become accustomed to the flavour of bullets.

No bullet has witnessed a sunrise. No bomb has dipped it’s toe in a mountain stream.

[apriltrubody-blog]

This has made my gender fluctuate... but for once, I do not mind. Your words bring me peace.

[apriltrubody-blog]

Living With Genderflective Genderflux

Genderflective genderflux is a real and often debilitating condition for many demigender, agender, genderfluid individuals and mulitviduals. When Genderflux becomes Stagnantized the victim may experience an acute feeling of entrapment between genders. Worth bearing in mind is that for many the differientialized or semi-synthesized states of gender may be subject to identity dominance, and further since likely not confined to a ‘North - South’ binary scale (Wilkins 2001), may exponentially increase the scope of the gender disconsonance.   During such an episode, occurrences of Genderflexivity should be considered triggering to an even more dangerous degree. As recorded by Ferber and Weinstein (2008 and and amended 2011) this last can tragically be true to a fatal extent. For those who have never experienced genderflux-abnormalities, these definitions of common flux-related elements may make things a little clearer: Genderflective: a state of non-tangible gender identity in which one assumes the gender traits of whomever they are presently interacting with. Genderflux: to experience a prolonged state of identity shift, fluctuating between two, three, possibly multiple gender identities which can increase in rapidity to the point of complete mental gender-erasure for the individual, which can be hugely distressing. Non-Gendertuitiveness: this can occur when the affected individual is unable to detect which gender they are currently aligning to. The result of this is a feeling of binary detachment which, in the worst cases, can lead to a permanent loss of gender awareness and induce potentially subreactive pronormatives. It’s taking a while for awareness of this disorder to filter through to gender diverse communities and in some areas, the very existence of genderflux has been rejected which is even more distressing to those who experience it. If you think you may have been subject to any of the feelings I have touched upon here, I would value your opinions and I am here to share support, guidance and advice.

Thank you for reading.

[stephenbendelow-blog]

Stunning stuff. Both visually (the actual text) and mentally (the meaning of the text).

[apriltrubody-blog]

Thank you Stephen. Your support means a great deal to me.

[stephenbendelow-blog]

An Inspiration For Emily

Emily was at a loss. Luckily for her an inspirational person was nearby.

[stephenbendelow-blog]

Time Maketh Me Late

A poem By Stephen Bendelow.

Stop the clock.

For I am late.

Late for an important seminar

Or late

For a date

With Jennifar (Jennifer)

The reason for my lateness is irrelevant

For punctuality is my covenant.

Stop the clock.

But start it again.

I have decided instead

To take the train.

[apriltrubody-blog]

I love this poem Stephen. May I recite it at the next LGBT Tofu Evening at my community centre this Friday?

[artraper-blog]

Now we all recognise Leonardo da Vinci’s ‘The Last Supper’

I’ve decided to focus on the leftmost portion of the painting here. Why? Because context, that’s why.

Anybody with a basic understanding of this piece will know that there’s a considerable gap to the right of this frame (the pyramid structure used in the centre of the full painting) but this is largely an attempt to draw attention AWAY from the rape imagery we see here.

Notice how Peter clearly has designs on Mary; knife in hand ready to threaten her into submission? Andrew plays the part of the bystander. Often believed to be an expression of horror/dismay. But what is really going on? Andrew is holding his hands up, as if to say “Hey, nothing to do with me! I see nothing!”

Judas is entirely ignorant to the whole thing, focusing elsewhere - likely symbolising society’s pre-occupation with “more important problems”. Typical.

There is some controversy over whether the figure to the right is actually Mary Magdalene, or John The Other, but it’s safe to say that, whoever it is, they’re about to be raped.

The title - 'The Last Supper’ - symbolises how the victim (Mary/John) will be forever changed from this point forward. This is their last moment as the person they once were.

Leonardo da Vinci, again, demonstrating a lack of consideration for the victim (as evidenced by his attempt to focus the attention on Jesus in the centre of the original piece)

This painting is likely to trigger anybody with a basic understanding of what “rape” means on the Internet. Best avoided.

Trigger Warning: Dan Brown - The Da Vinci Code.

[apriltrubody-blog]

This is so true, dude. I never saw it this way before. You make it all so clear. Thank you.

[apriltrubody-blog]

Genderflux on the Bus

I just had to write about the most intense genderflux I've experienced so far.

A couple of days ago, I had decided to take a bus to my friend's house... the journey takes around 15 minutes or so. When I stepped onto the bus I was presenting as female. I had tied up my hair and put on make up and was wearing my cute skirt with baggy t-shirt. I felt good and did not give a fuck how anyone else saw me because I was in that headzone where I just KNOW I kick ass and I'm a good person and nothing was going to stop me from having a good day (I know, this is rare, right?!).

Anyhow, I paid the fare and went to take a seat... the bus was pretty full and I had to sit next to a guy who immediately started to stare intensely at his phone the way strangers do when they feel awkward. I noticed that he was Latino looking, maybe in his twenties, dressed really smart, and yeah.. he was cute! Suddenly he turned and our eyes met and OH MY GOD it was like I just wanted to BE him right there and then. It was just SO intense. I was sitting there all of a sudden feeling so self-concious because I was wearing a skirt when I just wanted to look like he looked, and be who he was. My gender shifted and I just felt wrong... I felt nauseous. I couldn't do a thing because the bus was moving and there was nowhere to go.

Tears came into my eyes because I just did not want to present myself as female... my hair was WRONG, my clothes were WRONG, everything about me was so WRONG. I don't know how I looked to anyone else at that moment but I sure wanted the WORLD to swallow me whole and it would all be over. Then, I happened to look out of the window and across the road there was a billboard advertising a catalogue shop and on it was a woman who had hair similar to how I was wearing mine that day, her lipstick was a shade that I had been looking for lately but hadn't been able to find... my mind kind of wandered and all of a sudden I found that I was female once more. The relief was incredible, almost spiritual.

The guy sitting next to me, indicated that this was his stop and I got up... careful not to pay too much attention to him because I didn't want to risk another gender shift. Thankfully, I sat back down, the bus set off again and I made it to my friend's house without another shift.

[apriltrubody-blog]

Living With Genderflective Genderflux

Genderflective genderflux is a real and often debilitating condition for many demigender, agender, genderfluid individuals and mulitviduals. When Genderflux becomes Stagnantized the victim may experience an acute feeling of entrapment between genders. Worth bearing in mind is that for many the differientialized or semi-synthesized states of gender may be subject to identity dominance, and further since likely not confined to a 'North - South' binary scale (Wilkins 2001), may exponentially increase the scope of the gender disconsonance.   During such an episode, occurrences of Genderflexivity should be considered triggering to an even more dangerous degree. As recorded by Ferber and Weinstein (2008 and and amended 2011) this last can tragically be true to a fatal extent. For those who have never experienced genderflux-abnormalities, these definitions of common flux-related elements may make things a little clearer: Genderflective: a state of non-tangible gender identity in which one assumes the gender traits of whomever they are presently interacting with. Genderflux: to experience a prolonged state of identity shift, fluctuating between two, three, possibly multiple gender identities which can increase in rapidity to the point of complete mental gender-erasure for the individual, which can be hugely distressing. Non-Gendertuitiveness: this can occur when the affected individual is unable to detect which gender they are currently aligning to. The result of this is a feeling of binary detachment which, in the worst cases, can lead to a permanent loss of gender awareness and induce potentially subreactive pronormatives. It’s taking a while for awareness of this disorder to filter through to gender diverse communities and in some areas, the very existence of genderflux has been rejected which is even more distressing to those who experience it. If you think you may have been subject to any of the feelings I have touched upon here, I would value your opinions and I am here to share support, guidance and advice.

Thank you for reading.