At this point, he had been simply fooling himself again and again. Thinking progress was being made, that he just needed to take the natural course of things and eventually everything would click. That one day heād feel the fortitude to take the steps he couldnāt take now and resume his path through that mountainās trail without the threat of a storm blowing him off his feet and down the crevasse. Life would take its course, things would fix themselves. He wasnāt ready now but one day for sure he would be.
Again, and again. Telling himself the same things, hiding behind an excuse that held less and less water by the day. Going against the very idea that brought him to this place and got him where he currently was- the quest to figure out who he must have been in this life, to find his past, his family and friends and to return to where he belonged. The day he talked with the cardinal, Lambert had conviction in his words- he was determined to see this through and uncover his identity, that heād take his time but heād make sure to continue his progress.
Yet as weeks passed, that determination started to seem more like a mirage. It felt less concrete, less clear- easier to push aside and disregard, easier to forget.
Turns out the path towards oneās forgotten past was a daunting one, and Lambert was sure that whatever it was that path held for him- it wouldnāt be cheap, much less easy to traverse. With every new discovery he made his mind and body reacted with violent fear and discomfort, and a myriad of new anxieties would manifest on top of everything else. With the pieces he currently had he could make an outline of who he was meant to be, but it simply wasnāt enough. By now it had been clear that his heart wasnāt the most reliable narrator- that perhaps what he thought were undeniable truths couldāve been just convenient coincidences and nothing more.
Maybe he had made nothing but mistakes atop mistakes so far in his assumptions, or maybe he had been on the right path all along. It felt impossible for him to tell, but in the back of his mind Lambert knew there was at least one way of getting more solid information- and that lay in one of the few places in the monastery that he had been avoiding actively ever since he started his life there.
Judging by the crest he had and Dimitriās words - that regardless of their level of parentage Lambert was a Blaiddyd - it meant he was at the very least nobility. And if he was nobility, then surely his name would show up in one of Faerghusā directories of noble bloodlines and major military ranks. From that heād then be able to start at least tracing back his parents, possible siblings, and the skeleton of his past- a true step towards rediscovering his identity in this world, and perhaps finally a chance to don a face rather than exist as a ghost.
It was so easy. The book was right there.
But the man froze each time he even found himself within the same wing of the libraryās door, making it impossible to even approach it. Because as easy as it seemed, as much as it could result in a groundbreaking advance for the problem that plagued him the most, the truth terrified him.
Today was a day where Lambert woke up determined to put an end to this and do it himself- get this ridiculous dance of back and forth to end and take the steps he needed with his own strength, but as the hours rolled by his resolve withered and by now it was but ash in the wind as the professor stood helpless before the libraryās entrance. It was embarrassing how such a simple thing made him feel so powerless.Ā
As he was about to turn around in defeat however, he accidentally bumped into someone with a soft exclamation. āOh- please forgive me, I was not paying attention to my surroundings. Are you okay?ā Looking down, he was met with a girl clad in the typical student uniform, her long ultramarine hair falling behind her- the color matching with her eyes. While she seemed young, Lambert could tell from her gaze that she was no simple warrior.
Most likely the leader of some land, or an heir.Ā
While he had never met this girl before, he feels like he has at least spotted her in the distance with other students under the azure banner of the Blue Lions. āYou are one of Dimitriās classmates, are you not...? Though, you do not seem to be of Faerghus. Ah, that was a bold assumption on my part, haha." This school did possess students from all corners of this planet, anyway. "Though I am not a professor of the Blue Lions House, I am a teacher nonetheless. Is there anything you need aid with for your studies?"