Weightless & Horizontal

Try not to lose yourself.

[arceus01]

I am not one of the good ones

There is nowhere else for me to go // 🔞

I'm an adult. M/NB. Host of a nonhuman traumagenic system.

This blog is for venting, I need a space to talk about my issues because I can't talk about them anywhere else. That's really it.

[arceus01]

"cats are the most evil animals ever" No. Cats are incapable of evil. They act on instinct. You decided to leave your defenseless pet rabbit outside because you literally just couldn't be bothered to keep it indoors (oh but they'd have to clean up messes and fur! Yeah. It's called having a pet.)

But no. It's definitely because cats are uniquely evil and targeted your rabbit to be evil hellspawns.

Predators acting on predatory instinct are not evil, no matter how horrible the thing they do is. Animals do not have an understanding of right and wrong. They don't think like humans do.

you as a human had the chance to do right by your defensless, dependant companion and you failed them in the worst way possible because you didn't want to do the bare fucking minimum. You do not have the right to blame a feral animal who is just acting on its nature for your failure.

Fuck you.

[arceus01]

every time DID gets mentioned on reddit all people in all systems ever are owed $100

[arceus01]

I don't care how progressive the rest of your post is. Instant block if you refer to NB people as a type of women. Nonbinary people are not women

[arceus01]

There have been people in my system who've died. I don't think we can kill each other, A tried to kill S but S recovered. There is one time where an unnamed fragment had to kill himself by being eaten by A, but that was because he literally couldn't handle the stress and pain and he was very easily triggered by common things. But for him it was his choice, no one made that choice for him. Sometimes people disappear, they just leave and never show up again. Many fragments have been forgotten. Everyone the old Host was with is now dead, I think.

I know there was someone who died before but was reincarnated, partially. I don't think that has ever happened except with these two in particular, and... yes, I know it's reincarnation. They have similar theming, and their names both start with S. But, most importantly, they're both abusive. The difference is that S can feel remorse, whereas the other one could not. They are not the same person, but they are linked. I like S, but I hated the other guy (mostly. I loved him but he hated me. Or maybe he just didn't care.)

S does want to be a better person even if it's really fucking hard for him to stop abusing us. I can't give up on him. I really love him.

[arceus01]

Also, when I read that horrible fucked up post, afterward I could very clearly hear S say extremely quietly

"Please don't do that to me."

[arceus01]

There is someone in my system who I love dearly, S. He has been, horribly abusive to us many times. I have also abused him several times. I have spent so much time trying to remind him that no matter what he is still one of us, we do care about him and he is important.

I cannot imagine trying to lock him away, to push him out and make him feel abandoned, just because he's been bad to us. Or worse, assuming he can never do better and straight up killing him. What the fuck does that help? Now he's either very betrayed and going to have a way harder time healing, or he's fucking dead and nothing good came of it at all.

If someone in your system is doing bad things to other sysmates, you literally are morally obligated to do everything in your power to try and help them to heal. I cannot stress this enough, killing or imprisonment DO NOT HELP, they will never solve the issue and they cause harm to the very real person in your system.

These types of sysmates are very hurt people who do not know what to do with their pain, so they lash out. They need help, not destruction.

[arceus01]

Abusing people in your system is abusing real people, by the way. They're not fucking fictional characters. They have thoughts and feelings independant of your own. Locking them away or destroying them because they're "bad" is fucking evil and shows you very clearly do not see the personhood of others in your system.

[arceus01]

Not the "haha yeah me and my system mates locked away and even destroyed headmates because they were bad hahaha so funny. I mean it's not like that's really fucking abusive of real people haha. Because you know, headmates aren't real or anything. Haha."

GOD the the post hit me like a fucking truck I was NOT expecting straight-up pro-sysmate-abuse type shit. Nasty, gross, holy fuck get the FUCK away from me.

[arceus01]

stopppp fucking talking about whatever shit you saw on fucking my 600lb life or whatever. Fuck. The fatphobia in my family drives me up the wall but I can't say anything.

like talking about "oh he just ate 4 cheeseburgers and then an hour later he was hungry again??" who cares.

Or saying like, "well obviously they just do it out of habit at that point."

"Yeah they have some like trauma from childhood or something."

"Well that's not an excuse..."

I just keep my mouth shut.

It made me feel fucking ashamed to eat after hearing that. I had 3 homemade oatmeal raisin cookies, a banana and a glass of milk btw. But I had fast food like 8 hours ago, so

[arceus01]

I'm sorry B. I wish he weren't like this, I really do.

[arceus01]

I need to write about this dream I had last night before I forget it. I had a really intense dream where I thought deeply about my nonhuman family in the "next world" and I was crying, fucking sobbing. I woke up with a deep ache in my chest, the most intense longing I've felt in a while. Subconsciously, I'm tired of this place and I know I won't miss it

[arceus01]

I literally cannot escape it on this website. I thought that people posting in the "anti psych" tags might be decent and not ableist... makes sense... jokes on me, a fucking TCC degenerate was literally going nuclear on someone for daring to say that they, personally, were helped by therapy, and this fucking POS was like "Oh you're stupid for paying some rando to talk about your feefees" and "if you get a diagnosis you'll get trapped in a prison of your own mind and you'll think you can't self-improve because you'll use your diagnosis as an excuse!"

AKA

"Mental/neurological disabilities do not exist and emotions are entirely unimportant."

I cannot stress enough this person is a TTC piece of human trash. They legit had pictures of real killers and idolized them on their blog. Disgusting, so it's no shock they were also deeply ableist, it's just ironic to be anti-psych and also be ableist.

And, yes, it hurt me indirectly because I struggle with life stuff due to my autism. Which is real, like, autism is real and it's a real disability that I would struggle with whether I had a diagnosis or not. When we were a little kid, we got overwhelmed in class to the point where we would scream, cry, hitting our thighs as hard as we could, sobbing. We didn't get diagnosed until middle school because we were struggling so bad.

But y'know... the diagnosis isn't real and the struggles are all in my head because I let a label define me or whatever.

[arceus01]

I may not be able to personally relate to endos, but I will always support them. Plurality is not understood by much of anyone, and it's always looked at through the lens of pain, suffering, and mental illness, and I don't think that's right. Systems are real, the people in them are real.

[arceus01]

I am so sorry to everyone in every system who has been told that they are not a real person. Who has been told they're just a part of someone else. I truly hope some day we as systems can be treated as real separate people and not just a mental illness.

[arceus01]

Sometimes I wonder why I don't go and look for info on traumagenic plurality and like, why I don't browse spaces for fellow traumagenics. And then I get hit over and over with the fucking medicalising bullshit, the term "parts", the invalidation of saying that systems aren't actually multiple people, and other shit and it's like Oh Right!

Nothing makes me feel like I'm actually a fucking crazy person faster than telling me indirectly that my experiences are all fake and that it's super sad and pathetic that I ~actually believe~ I and my system mates are real, individual people. Like I cannot stress enough how FILTHY I feel when I see people saying we're "parts". I cannot stress enough how much this shit makes me spiral every fucking time.

Literally it's always like this! I see some medicalising, invalidating bullshit, feel fucking invalidated (because I am being invalidated), go to one of the few spaces I can actually talk about my feelings, then I think about how "those people" would think of my actions as just ~denying the truth~ and "reinforcing the symptoms of mental illness" or whatever fucking bullshit. Leave us the fuck alone holy shit!

Maybe some day after I'm dead, society will recognise systems as real, and genuine, and not just symptoms of a mental illness. I know it won't happen in my lifetime because no one actually fucking believes multiplicity is real. They say they do, but only in the context of "mental illness"

We are not one person broken up into pieces. Permanent fusion is genuinely fucking death to us. The fact that we feel like we need to be ashamed for celebrating our individuality is absolutely the result of the medicalisation of plurality, and pluralphobia in general.

It's so hard to explain this... but like... yes, we are a traumagenic system. Our trauma created our plurality because our brain was not able to process the abuse we suffered. The trauma started as early as possible in our life, and we never ever had a perior in our childhood when we were'nt experiencing some type of trauma. Our trauma is interwoven into our system inextricably.

However.

This does not make us mentally ill. This does not mean that our experience of being multiple people in one body is not real. This does not mean that we are one person broken into several pieces, because we are not fucking broken! We were NEVER one person! The whole fucking thing about structural dissociation is that the "one single identity" never fucking forms! "Oh but we need to make it form! To heal!" NO! The cause of our suffering is not our plurality! The cause of our suffering is the sexual abuse, torture, and other abuses we suffered as a child! Becomone "one person" would not fix this, and pretending we are "supposed to be" one person won't fix it either! And no, healing from this trauma (which I fully believe is impossible for us btw) would not make our plurality go away. Our brain just functions like that now, because we've been like this for so fucking long (our whole life to be honest)

[arceus01]

Nobody ACTUALLY sees systems as multiple people. Everything fucking talks about us as "parts", that if somebody in a system disappears no one should care about it because it's not a "real loss" and doesn't count.

They actually believe people who like being part of a system and see the rabid obsession with "final fusion" as inherently disturbing as like... misguided. Like we just "don't understand" that we're "not actually" multiple we're just ~dissociative states~.

No no, I UNDERSTAND what you're saying. I just disagree. I know what that means. I am aware. I am also aware that I, and all people in my system, are actually different fucking people and there's literally nothing in this fucked up world that can disprove that fact.

This insane fucked up OBSESSION with characterising systems as "actually" one person in several ~parts~, and thus overfocusing on making them "whole" disgusts me to no end. Imagine if we talked this way about trans people? Constantly denying their gender and saying "actually you're just a misguided man/woman and you just THINK you're..." People would think that's fucking shitty. But systems get told to Normalfy Ourselves all the fucking time.

"Thinking you're multiple people is bad! It's unhealthy! It's not even actually true~" Even though you can never, ever ever prove or even give decent evidence that multiple people inhabiting one brain is somehow impossible. It's just assumed to be impossible, and entrenched by constant, subtle and overt invalidation.

I cannot stress this enough. No one fucking believes systems when we say we're actually multiple people. They do not see us as multple people. They see us as one broken person with several personas. And, no, I'm not just talking about dumb normies who know nothing. I am talking about the medicalisation of systemhood and the way that the language being used to describe us is almost always invalidating.

Society does not believe in plurality. We are not real people, I and my systemmates are not seen as real, we are seen as dissociative symptoms who need to be corrected and cured, as "parts" of a broken person instead of actual real people in our own right.

And no, having different opinions, preferences and desires is not enough to make us real people, apparently. We will always be "parts", objects, symptoms, no one fucking believes we're even real to begin with. This type of thing is why I avoid actually looking at anything associated with traumagenic plurality, because it's just the same thing over and over. Everything saying "You aren't real, your experiences aren't real, if you believe in your experiences you're wrong."