So like a weekish ago I was hanging out with my partner and got a decently nastyish text from my parents saying how they were disappointed in me bla bla bla and how we were going to "talk" when I got home. I naturally got stressed about this, spiraled and finally convinced myself that maybe I should talk to my partner about taking me to the ER to go to a psych ward. We talked for like an hour(?) I had a panic attack as well then we also talked to a friend who's been to a psych ward before. After all the shit went down, we got things ready and around 1:30 am we were there. The people in the front desk asked what I was being seen for and I replied "mental health" because I really wasn't ready to admit that I was in crisis. They took me back immediately, took my vitals (Heartrate was 120) and after that and The Questions, I was sent back. I was in room 14, and they made me pee in a cup, which I barely did then took my blood which they needed 3 vials of making it so I almost passed out. Then finally we waited for 4 hours in the room. I should also mention this entire time I was rapid switching, mostly between me and Atlas but Bug was also there and all three of us were Freaking Out. Atlas was, like, clinging onto my partner which they never do. My lovely partner was there the entire time and we stayed up waiting for the crisis worker to get to the room. Finally at 4:45 am the crisis worker came in, She trudged in with an upset expression on her face, and pushed a chair in and sat down. The first words said to me were "So, what's wrong with you? You suicidal?" My partner and I braced ourselves for the worst because she seemed like one of Those counselors. We got to talking though, and a few minutes later we realized she was actually a queen. One of the things I remember her saying was that my parents should be the ones in there talking to her after I told her my curfew was 9pm as a 20 y/o. We talked for about two hours and I was laughing and actually kind of smiling and feeling better by the end. So, I did not go to the psych ward and we made a plan to have me go home with my partner and not to go to my parents' house because that was a very large stressor. Basically placing me on voluntary suicide watch with my partner (which I'm still on btw).
She SPECIFICALLY SAID not to go home. This is important for later.
We got discharged at about 7:20 and got headed to my partner's house. When we got home my mom was calling and texting saying how she's worried and she took off work because saw I was at the hospital thanks to Life360 (Fuck you Life360, you know what you did). I panicked and my partner helped me to calm down and get to sleep. While I slept they texted my mom and told her what was going on in vague terms. We woke up after a few hours of sleeping and my partner took me to get some lunch and went to the store to get things to stay for more than one night. My partner after that called a bunch of places searching for an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) and we tried to relax. We went to their school and played music for a little while, came home and walked around their apartment complex to get some Outside Enrichment, took a shower and went to sleep. This all happened Tuesday btw.
I had already had a doctor's appointment scheduled with my primary for the next morning at 10am, so we went to that. I explained everything that had happened thus far to her and she also told me that I should not go home because it wasn't safe for me to. She decided not to adjust my meds and gave us some more resources for IOPs. After some more IOP research and no luck, I got fooled into thinking that we were going to get Outside Enrichment, and ended up going to counseling and psychiatry (I wasn't mad, I was just a little surprised to be there instead of like a park or something.) [partner here - i did tell him where we were going but apparently he didn't hear me or something lol] We got all the intake forms filled out and got more vitals taken (This time my heartrate was 60!) Then got taken to the office of the psychiatrist. I got asked The Questions again plus more and about 5 minutes in I got diagnosed with BPD, but she did not put on my files so I can get top surgery because she's a queen and we love her. She decided to adjust my meds and put me on a mood stabilizer and gave me a book recommendation about BPD. She also said I shouldn't go home, which makes now three medical professionals telling me that. We left and went to the pharmacy to get my new meds (which we ended up having to go to THREE TIMES because it was giving us shit with the refills). We went to a park and walked around in the evening and then went back to my partner's place.
By now we had realized that this was going to go on for way longer than we thought so we planned to go to my house that night to get some more of my things, mainly my instruments, more clothes, and a few sentimental things. We got there at about 12:30am. When we tried to get in (which was actually E anyways) we saw there were things in front of all the doors, placed purposefully. We managed to get down to my room without waking anyone and packed the things I needed. When we tried to leave, though, my parents woke up and found us. My dad immediately started yelling. I don't remember a lot of what he said. He asked why I left and when I told him it was because I was going to kill myself he completely ignored it. I asked why there was shit in front of the doors and he said because he "knew [we] were going to do this" whatever the hell that means. He kept insisting that I stay home and talk. He called my partner controlling. He was really aggressive towards them, using their deadname to refer to them and insulting their appearance too. After what felt like a year of him yelling at us in my driveway we finally got out of there. We got back to their place at around 2, called some friends, both of us completely fell apart (my partner has parental trauma as well and this was very triggering to them), we ended up sitting together in the shower for well over an hour, and finally got to sleep around 6am.
The next day my partner had an appointment scheduled with their therapist, and they emailed to ask him if I could come to the session too. We did that and it helped both of us feel a lot better. He said we were already doing everything he would have recommended and to keep supporting each other, and that he was impressed that our relationship has remained so strong through all of this shit. We also called my grandma, who has been really supportive through everything, and made a plan to visit her. The rest of Thursday was uneventful, we just tried to lay low and relax and not think about what had happened the night before.
On Friday we took a trip to my hometown (about 2 hours away by car) to visit my grandma and my cousin and to show my partner where I grew up. It was a really great day and seeing my family really made me feel a lot better.
Through all of this shit my mom has been texting occasionally, saying she misses me and most recently trying to convince me to come home. My partner has said basically they aren't going to let me pay rent to them or even look for another job until I'm in a stable place with my mental health.
That's basically it. Sorry for the extremely long post. Just wanted to fully update and honestly writing it out helped me to process and feel a bit better. I have another therapy appointment tomorrow.
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