Three years ago, I made a powerful short film that is ultimately about women’s rage, grief, and pain.
Unsurprisingly, a lot of players in the mainstream film industry – from festival programmers, to industry peers, and even some people who I used to consider personal friends – have proven themselves too cowardly to program or otherwise publicly support the film, simply because the protagonist is the “wrong” kind of woman and the film itself exists wholly outside the male gaze. Or perhaps because the film’s plot shines an unapologetically critical light on an uncomfortable human rights issue, and it is easy to ignore marginalized voices when you live a more privileged life (even when you’ve come from a background of being marginalized yourself!). Or maybe it’s for both of these reasons or another reason entirely - and frankly, at the end of the day, I don’t particularly care which or why.
Ultimately, my experience in making and releasing this particular film has taught me a lot about who in the film industry has genuine integrity: who genuinely cares about collaborating and building human connection, who is sincerely invested in supporting compelling + unique artistic voices, who is authentically interested in furthering *inclusivity* in a culture inherently built on exclusion. These lovely humans exist in sharp contrast to the capitalistic, vain, and toxically selfish individuals who are only interested in making a quick buck, or hitching their wagon to those who the industry has already deemed “worthy” of success and support.
Frankly, it’s a pile of hot garbage all around, and I am tired of allowing tacit and overt exclusion to fester in silence. I know I am far from the only woman to experience this kind of treatment with my work, and like Mia Goth as Maxine Minx said: I will not accept a life I do not deserve.
I am a queer, invisibly disabled, midsize woman who is careening toward my middle aged years. According to some, this makes me invisible at best and an active threat at worst when it comes to being an actor, filmmaker, or otherwise notable successful working artist who is occupying space in the arts landscape. I break the mold, I make other people uncomfortable because my art challenges them, and I tackle relevant contemporary subjects in my films with a grounded and realistic storytelling lens. How dare I.
Just because I am midsize instead of thin or anorexic does not make me an actor who is less talented or less deserving of being cast in leading and principal roles. Unfortunately, so many of my actor peers are STILL more willing to quietly starve themselves than challenge the rampant fatphobia that still exists in our industry; the same can be said for festival programmers, casting directors, et al, who demonstrate their biases through their tangible actions: whom they cast for which roles, what films with which protagonists get accepted to festivals, etc.
Just because I am a woman instead of a man does not mean that my voice as a filmmaker and as a storyteller is any less valid, or less deserving of equal support, funding, and public recognition. Yet, according to recent and ongoing studies, we are collectively still 200+ years away from achieving true gender parity in the film industry. Films made by men receive more funding and more support all around, and have since the early days of Hollywood when women founders found themselves being shut out. Most film crews now don’t even achieve gender parity on set. Meanwhile, I’ve managed to maintain a track record of hiring 85%+ women, non-binary, and otherwise diverse artists on every production I’ve overseen. It’s not hard to do.
Just because I have learned to make my deepest challenges my strength and superpower (ADHD, crippling anxiety, etc) does not make me less deserving of equal support, when compared to the resources available to my more privileged peers. As a now-successful multi-hyphenate who can simultaneously act, direct, produce/production manage, and occasionally write (along with providing catering, facilitating art direction, being able to lens and light, managing transportation and logistics, and sometimes I’ve even found myself unclogging toilets on set…) frankly, I’ve learned to do and carry it all only because I didn’t have anyone else reliable to lean on, for so much of my career to date. And yet, there are people who can barely act, barely direct (or whatever) who get their projects fully funded and have their logistics fully managed by god-tier producers who swoop in and save them and these tenuous projects. God, I wish I had that same luxury.
On the flipside, at least I know that I am capable of both raising and managing six figure (at least!) production budgets on my own. At least I know that every scrap of success I have earned is not because of nepotism but because of my own grit, tenacity, and vision.
And the film itself? It is certainly no slouch either: it was funded and supported by two industry giants and two of the arts councils, plus a slate of generous crowdfunding donors. The film has had over a dozen screenings thus far at international festivals, and it has picked up seven awards and nominations to date.
The main difference between myself and the character I play onscreen in said film is that she exemplifies the tragedy of what happens when women’s rage and pain turns inward – toward oneself – after years of being conditioned to believe that you are the problem. Meanwhile, I recognize the festering cesspool of our sick society for what it is: a system that profits when women (and anyone else who has been made to feel “other”) hate and punish themselves for not fitting in.
As a woman and as a full-time working artist, I will not accept a life I do not deserve. I know that women’s rage is sacred, and I will no longer accept exclusion or being undervalued - in any way whatsoever. I know I am not the only one who has experienced these things, and I know how desperately and how deeply things need to – and WILL – change for the better.
Get ready for the goddamn revolution that is coming.
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