fragments
Returning to my Bennington routine has been strange and wonderful. From the day I landed in Fiumicino to the day I returned to this Vermont winter wonderland I had barely any time to breathe, let alone to reflect. It is becoming ever clearer to me as I look back that I was just passing through. It all feels as though I was riding on a high-speed train trying to make sense of miles of blurred panoramas.
It took a tremendous exertion of energy to try and piece together this place. I remember my first cappuccino, and my last. I remember the palm tree that stood tall in the center of our apartment complex’s courtyard. I remember the way the cobblestones seemed to soften and ooze in the rain. I remember the two old men who made the most delicious cheese I have ever tasted – “buona sera!” I remember cooking risotto for the first time on a two-burner electric stove with my roommates. I remember the sweet blood oranges fresh in the morning. I remember the warmth of Doria Pamphili as the rain pinched the windowpanes. I remember the awe I felt as I watched curators of the Galleria Borghese disperse a Giacometti collection among the Berninis. I remember the gelato – raspberry lemon and sage – my daily guilty pleasure. I remember how small I felt in the upper reaches of the Villa d’Este gardens – how refreshingly playful and childlike. I remember realizing that the world is just full of people. There will be a grumpy woman on the bus in the morning and there will be a child who makes a policeman smile on the job.
The rain made me long for the sun – to almost worship it when it graced the day with its lightness. Rome was incredible. Rome was suffocating. I had no space to breathe. I began to know the city but I wanted desperately to escape it.
My task as I embark on this term is to stop trying to make sense out of the blur, but to pull the stills that I managed to capture and weave them into my work as I continue my limited time here at Bennington. The Exeter Library (which I mentioned in a previous post) is the building I have chosen to analyze in Advanced Architecture this term.
I want so desperately to be able to sum my winter up in a beautiful and concise reflection, but I think this will come in time. This blog has taught me about the importance of fragments. I am often obsessed with creating a whole – a complete and finished piece. For this reason I often dismiss valuable fragments. Each week I was challenged by some overpowering thought. These thoughts bled into each other and will continue to color the work I am doing. The ability to reflect on those often-ignored fragments in this blog was freeing.
There is an exciting uncertainty that has come from this experience. I do not understand the world, but by understanding miniscule pieces of my own world, I can begin to shape that understanding. I am uncertain what Rome has done to change my life. Uncertainty is extremely difficult to embrace, but my understanding of this experience is ever-changing.
I cannot pretend that I am standing still. I am moving ever forward, piecing my world together from imperfect fragments of the past.