Behind Closed Doors @arghpeople - Tumblr Blog

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What is it about me that makes my life turn out in a way that makes me consistently unhappy.

Based verse

How can I find a satisfying creative outlet

I reconsume media again and again and I am rarely adventurous in seeking out new media

I think it is an adventurous attitude towards the media and experiences that one consumes and experiments with that makes one an interesting person.

Wtf can I possibly google that will help with the way that I feel

Why is it that I find it so hard to act like a normal person in the vast groups of people my age that I find myself mixed in with.

No girlfriend ever. Nothing that even slightly resembles a romantic relationship.

People who I would nastily consider the biggest losers that I know have had multiple relationships

People whom I can'r fathom to be the object of anybody's desire find themelves in loving, happy, meaningful relationships

How painfully obvious and clear is it that I am a miserable person who hates himself, despite the fact that I do everything in my power to act differently

What wonderful memories will I have of my early adult years?

There are maybe 4 of my friends who have made contact with me in the past 2 months

I am going to be this way until I make the decision to kill myself

Maybe I will become a christian

I just wish I had a release

Even depressed and self-hating tumblr teens have online cyber-friendships to share their sorrows with

I have noone

why does my body and mind perpetuate this lifestyle that makes so horribly and profoundly sad and lonely.

I really don't think that there is any other answer.

I wonder if there's something more wrong with me than your average, socially awkward, unbearably self-conscious, lonely loser?

I can't bring myself to push for and attempt any long-term projects/endeavours. I have no confidence that me trying my hardest at anything will be in any way sufficient to succeed.

When did I change from someone who assumed by default that they could do anything, to somebody who could achieve average things, to someone who can achieve nothing.

I haven't made any personal progress since I first encountered my mental health problems more than 5 years ago. Any progress that I have made was not consistent. There have been very brief periods in the last 5 year when I have felt that my life was changing for the better. That was simply glimmers of hope in anticipation of what seemed like change on the horizon.

I wish that I built up some resistance to the things that I encounter that make me miserable from day to day. Like, even if I'm still miserable I wish these things didn't pierce me with such a sharp edge; that these tools would dull over time. It doesn't seem that they ever will.

I imagine that if my life is to get better in any capacity, I will reach the end of my 20s, I will spend years picking up the pieces of my life after any progress has been stagnated for 10 years by these problems, I imagine I will be a relatively ordinary, boring, melancholic 34 year old with small niche interests that nobody else identifies with.

I made 2 friends yesterday while I was on drugs. Pity I will never be able to free myself from my anxiety to be comfortable enough to ever enjoy their company again.

I still assert that I couldn't really have done much differently in my adult life. I really don't know how much differently it could have turned out

#depression self-hatred social anxiety anxiety

It's been a seriously long time since I posted here. In the meantime, I had a little emotional breakdown in front of some of my closest friends, fallen into a deeper cycle of procrastination and have been neglecting my college work completely and I tried Acid.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my best friends was drunk and was sort of pushing me to talk about certain "problems" that I had been having in conversation. A coupld of minutes later, I had broken down in tears, pretty much just spilling out all the shit that's been going on inside my head. I'm not going to labour it, but it was strange. I had never been so brutally honest about my problems with any of my friends before.

I really don't know what else to say. I'm feeling shitty, lethargic and afraid to get myself doing anything of worth. I feel like typing here is a waste of time. I'm having a hard time motivating myself to find something to say.

#depression troubles

Can anybody explain to me a few things about self-harm and cutting?

Self-harm is something that is kind o alien to me. Suicide and suicidal thoughts are not but I never understood self-harm among depressed people. From what I gather, it seems to affect adolescent girls primarily, but I assume it can be found among all types of people?

Can anybody who engages in such behaviour try and lay out to me the kind of situations and feelings that would cause you to engage in such behaviour? By the way, I'm not belittling the logic or reasons behind this behaviour. It's just so foreign to me and I'm trying to understand. I'm referring mostly to cutting oneself.

It's all over tumblr. I see it everywhere and it's really difficult to ignore. I am no stranger to horrible depths of depression, but I have never even considered such behaviour. Is it an adiction? Why is it done so prominently on the wrist? Does it often lead to hospitalisation? Is it some sort intimate embrace with suicidal behaviour?

#enquiry self-harm depression

An older post from June 2012

At The start I talk about a summer where me and two friends of mine moved in together for the summer. Two incredibly intelligent, interesting, smart and popular guys. That summer was a blast. Here it is:

Wednesday 13/6/12

I came down and decided to write because I couldn’t get to sleep. Earlier this evening, I (yet again) made myself a promise that I would be in bed at what I consider to be a reasonable hour: I ordered some dinner, ate it while watching Parks and Recreation and then retired to bed at 3am. When I got into bed, I was too warm and could do nothing but think (as per usual). My mind is so alive when I lay myself down to sleep at night. I think so deeply into things. I can get some really interesting insight on some things when I think about them in those circumstances but they are always gone the next morning. Pre-sleep thinking is something worthy of a paragraph in itself but I am focusing on something else at the moment though.

I came down and decided to put my mind to use because I was clearly wasting my time sleeping. While I was laying awash in the rushing river of these pre-sleep thoughts, I was thinking about Owen and Neil etc. Having moved down to B and how I long to do something fun like that for the summer. Then I remembered the morning after the party we had the night that E moved in to our apartment 2 years ago. To start, the night was so much fun; Sampson was up, The club was fun, N & E had just moved in. Then I came back early with R and kissed her. I fell asleep to wake up to dozens of flamboyantly gay people in our apartment. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. It was absolutely hillarious seeing the look n E’s face when I asked him what was happening. He was just happily drunk and seemed about as dazed as I did about the whole thing. It was just so fucking funny. Then the next morning, he came into my room and just chatted, like it was no big thing. It was that hillarious banter that’s made funny by the fact that you’re hungover and you have a night worth of stories to share. I had gossip about kissing R that I glibly mentioned, so as to seem more exciting as a person (that is completely true). It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what I like about that memory and by trying to describe what’s so nice about it, I deconstruct it and make it seem like less than it really is. All I know is that memory makes me happy. There is something contained in the actions of me and E, the way we treated each other, our state from the night before, that makes it a particularly pleasant memory in my mind. I really don’t know why. I think it was the way that Eoghan just walked into my room, as he would Dan's or any other good friend of his, and just casually involved himself in a social interaction with me. It’s so weird how little an action as that could have meant so much to me. How many of those kind of moments have I got left in my life?

It’s hard to decide how to layout and frame my thoughts on this document. It gets incredibly frustrating. I kind of feel the need to write down on this document every sliver of a thought that goes through my head, but in the middle of a paragraph about something else, It gets incredibly annoying because your vocabulary lets you down, then there’s the need to explain the context of a fleeting thought or why a thought is worth recording, which is INCREDIBLY difficult to do. I guess that one of the problems is that I try to docment my thoughts on this document, and because of that, I feel the need to capture every thought, often at the neglect of focusing on an important subject, and seeing where it takes you, ie. The problem is you lose concentration while documenting thoughts, but then you feel the need to document lapses in concentration. It feels like you are simultaneously trying to verbally document what having a short attention span is like while writing about what you are thinking. For example, this paragraph was meant to be 2 lines long and take up no more than 10 seconds of my time instead of about 5 minutes.

SO I was thinking about something like a “Guess where you will be in 5 years” thingamajigs or a letter to myself. Where I am in 5 years time is heavily dependent on how I address my current anxiety and self esteem issues. If I do nothing about either of them then I would guess that I still won’t have a girlfriend and will MAYBE have graduated college. It’s such a hard thing to guesstimate. The truth is that my anxiety holds me back from doing so goddamn much. And this melancholy I seem to induce on myself is a very pathological habbit indeed. Here are some interesting questions to keep:

· Will I be happy?

· Will I still find any number of reasons to be jealous of whoever I am standing next to?

· Will I still have no very, very good friends? The kind of friends who I just hang out with and am happy to talk the ear off and tell them things that I don’t tell other people?

· Will I still feel anxious for a million and one reasons when I get on the dancefloor and try to pull a girl? Will I succeed?

· Will I still keep in contact with the people I know now?

· Will I still live on facebook?

· Will I still find reading a pain in the ass?

· Will I still have yet to write a song?

· Will I be in shape? Will I be happy with my figure?

· Will I think back on college and remember it as a wondrous time when I went out all the time and lived the dream, or will I remember it as a time when anxiety and shame had a most powerful and restrcitive governing force over nearly all of my actions?

· Will I remember the periods when I lay awake for hours at night hopelessly wishing that I could be who I thought I wanted to be?

· Will I remember the times when my heart, fed on nothing but loneliness, desperately ached and wished for a girlfriend?

· Will I remember how intimidating I found that pub while I was trying to mix in with crowd at that nightclub?

· Will I still cringe at the hundreds upon hundreds of things I cringe when I think about now? Asking out Ev, the situation with An

· Will I still look back at the large amount of undesirable photos of myself and be filled with a sense of shame?

· Will I still be living off Mum and her offerings that she treats me with now? She does so much for me.

· Will I still be filled with shame when I think of my past?

· Will I still feel self-conscious about the music I listened to in my teens?

· Will I still be ashamed of the way I was treated in school?

· Will I still adhere to my general philosophies and intricate outlooks that developed during my very early adult years?

· Will I still look up videos of interesting political debate that I like?

· Will my todo list still be filled with things like:

o find out and listen to more current music and music blogs

o Learn to use ableton

o Lose weight

o Write in this thing more often

o A list of websites to check out when you become more organised

o Eat Better

· Will I have enough confidence in myself and my abilities so as not to feel like there’s a fire lit under my ass every time I meet somebody who excels in something?

· Following on from the last one, when I meet someone with a certain personality characteristic that seems to work for them, will I completely over-romanticise that characteristic, mistakenly think I should adopt it and spend a week convincing myself that I’m going to be more “x”.

· Will I still do laundry about once every 2 months?

· Will I smoke? At all? Will I still love smoking weed?

· Will I still have my blue pencil case?

· Will I still love the “idea” of reading but find reading itself incredibly boring (in general)?

· Will I still display these avoidant tendencies and avoid seeing people for months at a time when I’m feeling self-conscious and/or depressed

· Will I still feel that self-consciousness about the “legitimacy” of art/music/cinema that I feel now. That invisible stamp of approval that seems to be dislayed on anything accepted by the “alternative” community? That feeling of searching a band’s last.fm page and seeing their related artists when you’re deciding whether it’s “cool” or “okay” to like a band. Will I still feel that?

· Will I still feel that uneasiness when choosing what album or band to listen to? That uneasiness that makes you not sure when it’s OK to turn off a record if you’re not enjoying it. The uneasiness that makes you bookmark an interesting looking stumbleupon page. That feeling that you need to experience EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET. The uneasiness with which you delete artists that you’re pretty sure you don’t like from your harddrive. Yep, I think I’ve locked onto a proper Ben Donohoe personality trait.

· Will I still feel uneasy expressing my dislike for music/films that an acquaintance likes.

· Will I still fear the wrath of whoever it may be when I try to be assertive or disagree with someone?

· Will I still frequently and passingly think about the mechanics and politics of social institutions?

· Will I still love Radiohead?

· Will I be any closer to figuring out what the hell I want to do with my life?

· Will I still be writing in this journal?

· Will I look longingly at facebook photos of people that I know and wish that I lived a life as exciting with so many popular, good-looking chilled out people?

· Will I still look to others for contemporary social and circumstancial cues and tools to equip myself for blending in?

· Will I still vaguely prepare stories or events to share with others in social situations? In these cases, it always seemed that my stories seemed to dwarf in comparison to other “cool” peoples’ in both quantity and quality?

· Will I still think that I can make a fantastic first impression and, in these circumstances can often be the life and soul of the party?

· Will I look back on these writings fondly will it sadden me to remind myself of a time when I was so low.

Sometime soon, I shall follow on from this. I shall try and best document briefly what my life is like now so as to take a snapshot to look back on. I’ll mention things like moods, concrete circumstances, friends, etc.

I think those questions were a powerful way of 1) determining what NOW is really like and 2) comparing the future with now. I’m goin bed.

#journal entry journal thoughts troubles

Thoughts on Facebook chat and conversation in general

Plenty of the people who know me would consider me a very sociable person. A person who seems to know a lot of people and has a lot of friends. I have alot of acquaintances. Ever since I got my self into this mental mess, I find it very hard to initiate friendships. They don't just happen for me, because I am the type of person who is self-conscious of nearly every move I make in a social relationship and because of this, I always hold back.

I'll very often get talking to someone on a night out, and get on great with them. I can be very fluid in conversation and can get on with people really easily in plenty of situations, upon first meeting them. You know what I hate though? Being left alone with a person, where the attention is completely on the the two of you. I am near-terrified of starting friendships with people because I feel that I run out of conversation very easily. I feel as if very early on, there is nothing to talk about, I become very obviously nervous and awkward and make the other person feel uncomfortable, and as a result, they avoid social interaction with me in the future because my awkwardness makes them uncomfortable. I feel that I have nothing to talk about with the kind people that I want to be friends with. I feel that they would think me weird if I just called them up and asked them to hang out. This is how I feel about facebook chat. I'm not an FB chat person. Sometimes, if someone initiates a conversation with me on FB, I'll carry on fine and we won't run out of things to talk about, but 4 times out of 5 this will happen, and I feel that it discourages people from wanting to chat with me.

This is the case with nearly all of my closest friends. I nearly never chat them and when I do, I feel like I've failed when there's a dip in the converstion. I really don't know how to overcome this. I assume that friends chat to each other regularly and it "flows" in a way that it doesn't when I chat with people that I want to. I feel that people aren't interested in my company. I have nothing going on in my life that other people are interested in or want to be a part of. I don't know if it's because of this that I have these troubles with social relations or its because of my social relations that this is the case. Obviously friends don't just chat all the time in this endless stream of conversation, but I don't kno where to draw the line. There's some people that I know that I would love to spend more time with, but I don't know how to initiate a hang out. This is the source of so many of my social problems and it leaves me leading a lonely life 95% of the time.

I wish I knew how to act with regard to this problem. I wish someone would just lay it out and say "this is appropriate" and "this isn't appropriate". I don't just hang out with people as much as I like. It's such an enjoyable thing to do when I'm in a situation like that. Just sitting around shooting the shit, chatting with people about everything and nothing. I wish that happened for me more often.

#facebook facebook chat social anxiety depression social relations friendship

A post for today

I got back from meeting with the counsellor in college. It's so nerve-wracking just sitting in the waiting room of the med center, waiting with a load of people who are there to see the doctor. Then the counelor comes in and calls you. You can just feel everybody's eyes on you as you leave to go to the separate counseling room.

We talked about my problems getting my shit together for college. Issues of control and the way that it may be the case that I am afraid of trying and failing, so that's why I'm carrying on the way I am. There's also the relationship that I had with my stepdad. she thinks that that's a pretty key factor and contributes to alot of my self-critical thought habits. For some reason, I feel hesitant about going into the details of what that relationship was like here, but it just generally at least contributed towards me having incredibly shitty self-esteem.

I wonder how those counseling meetings are going to change me over their course. Will exploring these issues help me out and make me eventually happier with my circumstances? Will my circumstances change?

I don't know. I feel that at the moment, I want to live a normal life but also desire an ideal life. My resolution will involve coming to terms with the fact that my lifestyle won't involve any of the ideal aspects that I so desire.

I'm imagining a time when someone will ask "are you happy with your life currently?", I'll be able to think on it and just respond "yep".

A post from 28/3/11

This is another post from my journal that I kept. Not all of them are this dismal, but this one is pretty bleak. Obviously a low point.

Saturday 26/3/11

I need to rid myself of this constant melancholy. I want someone who I can share this with. I need to restructure the way I look for and look at things in my life. Could this be the most tragic story ever written? Of course not, but throw on some tortured soul with a worn voice that tells a story and the only story I know becomes almost beautifully sad. What do other people do? Why is it that they can do the things that I want to do. Maybe if I changed my thought patterns, these periods that test the bottom of my limits, seemingly made to try and break me, more and more, would be put into perspective.

Does my life really have any meaning? Is the fact that I feel that my life is shit sometimes just a ploy by myself to give whoever decides to look a spectacle? I need an answer; a silver bullet. I hope just for one instant that my life can be resolved and when I see clearly, I’ll be sure that all these lows were necessary and worth it. Some levels of self-awareness are just a plain burden. I wish I was ignorant and could just let things pass me by. It truly would be bliss. I feel unnecessary.

If I died tomorrow, a tragedy that would far surpass the death itself would be the easiness with which people could just simply adjust back in to their lives, shrug it off their shoulders and move on. I yearn to be appreciated and valued. It’s only when I am honest with myself that I realise that I do not exist without the other people on this planet. My consciousness and my theoretical idea of happinness is brought about by their collective image and impression of me. The strong will prevail and I will be left behind, but I will not be able to truly accept the fact that I have no destiny to play a central role in people’s lives. Am I just going to carry on for the rest of my life leaving this at my peripherals? If I truly let it sink in, I would lose all power to do anything or carry myself forward at all. I will never be the person in the ad; I’m the direct target market. Now it feels like such a romantic, idealistic situation for everything to unify and leave me finally at peace in my mind.

I am no central character of any story that anyone will ever want to listen to. The only people that would are people like me, who will find it first and get the idea of incorporating it into their effort at a forged individual personality. At this point in time, could there possibly be a girl thinking about me who wants nothing more than to be with me? Has there ever been such a situation, with me as the object of this desire? I need to resolve; this discordant strand of a life has carried on for too long. Something that has carried so much weight causes me to ask, will I truly be resolved, or will the fact that nothing comes to justify my troubles be the greatest, ironic form of resolve of all? This type of consciousness is an awful thing. How can those characteristics which I have gained hold the slightest bit of use in my environment? Maybe I am the inferior being which must be shed in the grander scheme of things. I complete the stronger being; without my existence, he is one being of himself; only against the backdrop which I contribute to does the word “strong” or “better” make any sense. This cannot be conceived without me to compare these characteristics. And vice versa: it is only with the strong being next to me can I be conceived as weak or inferior.

#journal entry journal depression troubles sadness

How Much Sympathy Do I Really Deserve?

I think about my problems all of the fucking time. Whether it's a case of me letting them get to this stage or not, they now define me and are inseperable from the way that I view myself. In some ways, I view myself as a victim, plagued by my problems that I don't know how to handle. I kind of feel that if people knew about what I was going through, they would pity me. But how much sympathy do I really deserve? How many times, do I feign inaction when it comes to a problem that I could solve. I really can't tell the difference anymore. Raising this argument and heaping more shit on the pile that I have to deal with and feel guilty about obviously seems counterproductive to trying to build my self-esteem and confidence, but if I view the situation objectively, how much of this shit do I really bring on myself? How much of it is justified given the way I behave? Is one of the revelations that gets me through this patch going to be that I just man-the-fuck-up to my problems, stop making excuses and take on the chin what life throws at me? Stop moaning, take your feelings and whatever's going on inside your head out of the equation and just get the fuck on with doing what you gotta do. Does that sound like a life lesson that will help me 'snap out' of this dreadful fucking mental state?

There aren't going to be alot of allowances made for my problems in the real world. It doesn't matter to an employer that I was too nervous to seek help with my assignments. Nobody is really that interested in my problems so long as they're not causing any other problems for them.

So how do i decide to carry on? I've wasted my college years and have made no progress in my life in the last 3 years. I found it difficult to do otherwise, but what does that matter? My chances of experiencing whatever life I wanted to experience during that period have now gone. What kind of person am I going to look like when (if?) I manag to solve these problems related to my esteem, anxiety, mood, self-expectations, social relations. Will I just learn to view the objective reality differently? Will I have taken steps towards fixing any of these problems? Will I simply come to terms with leading an below-average life? Is that what I am to learn to accept? Should the fact that I find some things mentally and emotionally harder to do than others warrant me any leverage in real life? In University? anywhere? What if people just didn't give a shit? I'd just die off and noone would really care.

It's a really hard thought to accept that you are to blame for the way you feel and perpetuating that behaviour and lifestyle. Let's say, suppose that I am completely to blame for all of this. Does the fact that I hate myself and spend most of my time anxious, sad and wanting warrant me any sympathy? If everything is my fault, is it fair that I feel this way? Will sympathy do me any fucking good at all?

It's such a strange human tendency to desire the sympathy of others. It seems as unproductive as pitying oneself. What would sympathy from everyone I encountered do to me? What affect would it have on me? Would it help to alleviate any of troubles?

What if when push comes to shove, I am singlehnadedly to blame for fucking up my education and I am cut off from my parents, left to navigate the world by myself? Do I deserve that? How in the fuck would I cope with a situation like that?

I have alot of progress to make before reaching the level of an ordinary human being.

#empathy sympathy depression social anxiety perfectionism self-pity hardship troubles

Just a post

I'm back to college tomorrow after a 2 week break. I haven't checked my college email since I left college. I haven't done any work. I haven't done a tap of reading. I'm self-sabotaging myself left right and center and I really don't know what to do about it. I have an overdue essay for a class. We were given the essay weeks ago and I'm pretty sure the due date has already passed. I haven't paid any of my fees or contacted the college about the fact that I just didn't sit all of my exams last semester. All of this is kept in check by my fucking anxiety. I'm supposed to contact someone ans for advice about how I'm to deal with my dreadful situation which is only getting worse the longer I leave it ferment.

I think I've irreversably fucked up my second shot at a college education. I feel such a looming simmering feeling of panic and dread because of it all the time. I have no idea how I am going to get myself out of this. I said that I would check my email and make a list of all the assignments that I had to do earlier tonight. Instead, I procrastinated and couldn't bring myself to even open up my email. I feel like every single member of staff I try to communicate with in my university is thinking that I'm a disgrace. I'm so intimidated when I try to contact people for help. University is such a nightmare. I've been there three years, I have not made a single friend and I haven't engaged in any of the activities or clubs that are available to me. The more I write here, the more horrible I feel. How am I going to get myself from this cycle of shit? It is a genuine concern to me at this stage whether I will see through my college degree. If I do it will be with the lowest GPA ever achieved. Why is it that people who are less smart than me (generally) can get through their college process relatively easily. Mine has been a fucking nightmare and it's a mixture of my perfectionism, my acute anxieties surrounding nearly everything at university and the fact that I am just a general complete fuck-up of a human being when it comes to getting shit done. I am not by any means claiming that I am not at fault for nearly all of this. I am at fault for nearly all of this. I wish someone could help me. I really wish someone would just take me by the fucking hand and guide me through exactly what I need to do like a small child.

I'm going to see the counsellor tomorrow again. I wonder what that will do for me. I mean, I'm (technically) an adult but I am completely incapable of sustaining and maintaining any sort of normal lifestyle. I am a fucking child. That's how I feel. It upsets me so much how much of a mess of a human being I am. the problems and situations that I have gotten myself into are because I- not anyone else but ME- wasn't able to deal with the problems that I encountered, and then proceeded to royally fuck up the situation afterwrds. My parents support me but they're not going to find the answer or the solution to all my fucking problems. I wish I knew what to do.

And the worst thing is that I can't open up to any of my friends about it. I'm not uber close with any of them really and they'd just be fucking freaked out.

What in the absolute fuck is going to become of me?

#depression despair college problems university college sadness misery

You have a beautiful mind, and such a lovely writing style. I like you.

Aren't you nice. Thanks. At least it's good for something.

Why this Blog is going to be mostly text only

I came here for a platform and format to share my thoughts across the web anonymously. I followed alot of blogs that seem to be similar in nature to mine, even if alot of them seem a bit younger than me.

I want to largely refrain from reblogging things, including gifs and pictures that try to capture the way people feel. I want what is written here to be MY expression of my thoughts and how I feel. I feel that posting a sad gif on your page and saying "this is totally my mood right now" can almost leave you feeling more sorry for yourself, or it gets me feeling that to express myself with whatever I'm reblogging, I have to feel this bad. It's a complicated feeling to explain. It ties into what I was talking about in an earlier post about tumblr toeing the line between being a therapeutic place to vent and a place full of things encouraging people to perpetuate their self-pity. I will posting 90% of my original content in the form of just thoughts and rants. I'm not saying that I won't repost anything, but that's the kind of stuff that you can expect from this.

I should encapsulate how I feel in my own words. For now.

A Post from February '11

This is the very first post that I wrote in my journal when I started it:

Explaining my thoughts in this way seems so foreign to me. I’ve always been far too self-conscious keep record of anything I might use as an outlet for explaining all my innermost thoughts and emotions. I think it’s time I took a gamble. Recently I’ve been trying to hold my ground in situations in which I feel slightly anxious. I was told by the psychiatrist that I went to see that he thought that it was this behavioural approach which would free of this god awful social anxiety. Where to even start some intimate little secret journal like this. For the moment, I’m into Liz M in a major way. I’ve never seen a prettier smile on any girl. Her friendly, personality and the way that she doesn’t just snub you, leads me to believe that she is potential girlfriend. This is optimistic thinking. So many times I get myself into these situations where I become so taken with a girl, and with my detection of just the smallest bit of interest (whether I’m correct in picking it up or not), I make her the sole subject of my affection. She strikes me as different. We shared a little moment. Well, for me what was moment. Just a small few instances where we held each other’s gaze for a few seconds, and don’t immediately look awkwardly away. There’s nothing more I’d like than to start seeing her as a girlfriend. It is not likely that I’m going to get that sort of courage any time soon. I hope she doesn’t become another chance missed and gone by like so many others.

What the fuck am I even supposed to write here. I feel as if this should flow like some sort of elaborate essay, but essays are for others to read and scrutinise really. This is most definitely not in that category. It is nice to have some sort of outlet though. I’m so annoyed at the fact that I’ve never been able to write a song or anything like that. Such a critic of my own work. This whole diary thing still feels so foreign. I expect that I’ll sit down and in a desperate flurry of confused thought and type some sort of poetic and fluid tale of my day, expelling my anxiety and helping me see things in a far clearer light. I’ll then be able to stop procrastinating and do that thing that I’ve been putting off for so long. I’ll then go out and meet the girl of my dreams and my life shall roll on with a rose-tinted lense capturing every elegant event that falls upon me. Ugh. It’s just really not as poetic as you imagine. Try capturing this mind at a single point in time and you’ve got thoughts and feelings flying accross the spotlight left, right and center. Leaving these thoughts here as a reference will just leave a flurry of hard-to-follow information that I can hardly make sense of at the time of writing. And don’t get me started on these little tangents. I wonder just how brutally honest I am going to be here. Anyway.

Unproductive Man

Today I got up and did what I've been doing 90% of my time in the last couple of months, I woke up (saying that I was going to get up early) at 12, started browsing the internet, even thought I had Reddit, Facebook and like a dozen other addictive sites blocked, and just browsed anyway. Next thing I know, it's 4pm and I'm still in bed.

I sat myself down saying that I'd get some work done after I decided to stay in for the day and then I. Did. Nothing. Couldn't even open my email.

Procrastination is such a massive problem for me and when you mix the anxiety into that, you get one seriously unproductive, lazy dude. Some accomplishments might make me feel better about myself. I hope to high hell that tomorrow doesn't end up the same even though it's 1:30 and I amn't in bed yet.

Moods and Other Ramblings

A Mood is such a weird thing. It's like a changing lens that you have to look through to deal with the world and your surroundings and depending on the aperture and filter that's currently on it, it completely changes your perspective of things you encounter and think about. When you're depressed, you think about your friends, your future and and past social instances for example, you immediately view them from a darker perspective because of the lens through which you experience the world. a mood also has the interesting effect that when you think of things; just think of nothing in particular, you think of instances when you failed, you think of instances that could be interpreted in many different ways and zoom in on your faults or apply narratives to the situation like "That person doesn't want to be talking to me, I'm making them uncomfortable; why can't I be the type of person who gels well with people like this?". It's really incredible the power that bad moods can have on mental phenomena like those badly explained above in comparison to good moods.

Depression is a just viewing the world and exploring your mind through the lens of a bad mood on steroids. The bouts where the "sad" lens is applied become more frequent. This filter attaches to negative thoughts and focuses on them, amplifying them and turns neutral thoughts into negative ones. It's like there're things going on in your mind constantly, they have a certain amount of "perspective" attached to them because that comes from when you first experienced them. But navigating your way into the valley of your mind and experiencing and "observing" these things stored in there with the depression filter on simply perpetuates depression. It's all about changing the lens.

This was just a little ramble, stream of consciousness kind of post. I knew what I wanted to say but I didn't know what the end result would be and I think the whole "changing the lens" metaphor is one that I'm gonna keep.

There's obviously other things playing into the reasons that I encounter "bad" or "sad" things in my mind. The social anxiety and perfectionism are good reasons, but the lens in play when a depressed mind ponders can wreak havoc for sure.

#depression mindfulness

Why don't you see a therapist?

I've seen quite a few therapists over the course of the last 3 years. I haven't noticed any lasting effects from any of them really, but I tend to get frustrated very early on when I don't see progress which makes it very hard to continue.

I feel like there's a suppressed awesomeness about you. Don't let the depression get in the way of it! Good luck on your college work. :)

A nice comment can go miles. Thanks, buddy. I've got a lot of shit on my plate that I don't know how to deal with, but I'm trying.

Man, this depression has set in BIG TIME in the two days or so. It gets me wondering about the effect that my attention has on the worsening of the depression. I just feel so awful and full of self-loathing today. The kind of day where you feel that nothing will ever get better and you will never have a girlfriend etc. etc. et fucking cetera...

I have been focusing alot of my mental attention on my depression in that time span. Has my mood and general symptoms of depression been made worse as a result? Getting so many suicidal thoughts. I can't get anything done either. I reckon my time in college is up. I've completely fucked up my college education due to a mixture of the following reasons: I am lazy, I procrastinate, my social anxiety, the fact that I have literally 0 friends in uni and the way that it has mentally forbidden me from interacting with my class.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Generally I have regular and frequent swinging bouts of moderate depression but this is real paralysing, self-loathing, turn you into the furniture depression.

Ugh.

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