A question I’ve gotten a few times over the past 48 hours, but have been unable to answer. How do I put what I experienced into words that make sense? What do I say? I have no idea.
1. It was amazing! I got to watch people risk their lives to cross a sea after paying thousands of dollars to be smuggled out of a country on a raft with a counterfeit motor and fake life vests.
2. It was cool! I got to watch people be placed in horrible living conditions while they wait for refugee status so they can move on to the next stop where they could possibly be sent back to the place that destroyed their lives and broke apart their families.Â
3. It was great! 45 people died after two boats sank the night before I got there, a five year old washed up on shore while I was there, and 22 more people died that same night when their boat sank. And 3,000 people came ashore the day we left, and we weren’t there to help.
No, I can’t say any of those things. I am struggling to make sense of it myself, let alone answer any questions friends or family have for me. I posted a photo to my Instragram this morning and cried because someone commented with heart eye emojis (WHY WOULD THAT BE AN ACCEPTABLE EMOJI TO USE ON A PHOTO OF A CHILD REFUGEE? Fortunately, one of my dearest friends stepped in and took care of the response for me, but still.) Witnessing a humanitarian crisis in the flesh is incredibly hard, and seeing the devastation, death, heart break, gratefulness, love and joy that comes with it has taken a toll on me emotionally since coming home. An overwhelming feeling of guilt hits me multiple times a day, and it’s hard to combat. It is so hard to be here when my heart hurts thinking about what is continuing to happen there.Â
On my way home from physical therapy today, I stopped by my old work to say hi to my co-workers (because they are still my second family, and if anyone knows how to give good hugs, it’s them.) I couldn’t help but start crying after receiving all of the hugs and the “I’m so happy you’re home and I am so proud of you”’s. While showing them some of my photos, the nurse that works for the doc I worked for said “I know this is hard, but you can’t let yourself feel so heavy. You cannot feel bad about having a warm home and food because you were blessed with this life to have the ability to help theirs.” It was the first time since being home that words made sense.
It will take a bit of time to process and adjust, so to all my friends and family who I didn’t speak to while I was gone, and who I haven’t spoken to since I’ve been home, I apologize. But thank you for not asking me “How was your trip?”
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