ARMADA BOY WONDER

Greetings Earthlings. Student of the world. California Bred.

[armadaboywonder]

thinking of ending things

[armadaboywonder]

i told them the voices got louder in my head

they told me pray harder

...

i dont know how to feel about that.

[armadaboywonder]

im scared

utterly horrified

[armadaboywonder]

i was really bout to off myself today. but my friend told me he was going to propose to his girl this weekend and sounded really excited about getting fittings and stuff with the homies. i cant put that cloud on others happiness. if i had never woken up to that text, my body would be dangling from a tree. i woke up at this hour specifically with that in mind so no one would notice me slip out of the house. congrats bro. you saved my life today....

[armadaboywonder]

I have nowhere else to go to at the end of a day but my familys home now. The place where i feel the most useless. Where every word against me is a reminder and reaffirmation of how useless and a burden i am to them. To everyone i know. But they always pull me back in like a pet that they know they condotioned to fail in its adult life by planting so many seeds of doubt. I want to leave my city. But on comfortable terms. Because I may find freedom regardless, but will those moments of freedom be worth me finding a will to stay alive only to die because of my own incapabilities of survival? Or am i better off eventually getting fed up, backed against a wall, and jumping out a window in my own townto end it; be it literally or figuratively.

[armadaboywonder]

It may seem selfish but... Im considering a month of living as much as i can within my means while simultaneously tying up loose ends and such in preparation of my death.

[armadaboywonder]

Its going to get to a point soon where i wont see me benefitting anyone with how i am, and I may just have to leave. Tired of hurting others, tired of ruining my livelihood with poor decisions. I feel like im in a burning building with me at the top floor level and pretty soon my only option will be to jump from the windows onto the concrete. Fin. I'll fade from memories. Life will go on for others more joyously.

[armadaboywonder]

Does debt carry over from the dead?

Making light of a morbid situation, would my family inherit my debt if i were to pass? Im trying to make valid points for myself to guilt me into living

[armadaboywonder]

i have this underlying fear that my little brother’s temper tantrums are influenced by glimpses into my mania when i didn’t realize he was there in the background looking on....

i heard mental illness can be hereditary? is this fact? i’ll have to check...

worse is, what if my family lashing out at each other is in direct correlation to the strains of having me in the household again. is this irrational of me? maybe i really am sick.

i dont know who i can talk to. not sure if i have the insurance to cover it.

[armadaboywonder]

... A big part of me just wants to just kwep it together long enough to create one tangible piece of work with each of my creative friends and then quietly die afterwards.

[armadaboywonder]

freestyles.

[armadaboywonder]

[armadaboywonder]

[armadaboywonder]

[armadaboywonder]

On the way to Disneyland with my family to take my baby brother for the first time. Im thankful they can stand me enough to let me come. I should be filled with joy and excitement for the day to come. But here i am in the backseat having a quiet breakdown, thinking the utmost worse, and i want it to stop. But it wont.

[armadaboywonder]

I gave them all my trust. And they all gave up on me.

[armadaboywonder]

Abandonment

I have women issues. Or more so abandonment issues that stemmed from women. It started with my mom. I think she was my first friend as a child. It was dope. As an adolescent things went south. As a teenager she told me to go ahead and kill myself. She gave up on me that day. Feom then on, the fear of dissapointing anyone who seemed to look at me with at least a little favor loomed greatly overhead." What if i ended up alone when im dead " i thought as a kid. And by alone i meant it in the meams of having no one that thought you were worth their time. Family. Friend, or sognificant other. I found myself in unforgiving relationships. Stretched too thin by adoloscent hormones and sensitive souls. Ive failed on many occassions. At one point, i got cheated on because they found the exact words from my lips less interesting than from those of another.. Do you know how worthless that makes you feel? Recently i had thought i learned from my follies and got into a relationship with a friend, who i shouldve never crossed the boundaries with. She hurt me deeply. And there as i thought things were going good. Like night and day things turned. And i was alone. Faced with abandonment issues again. I was told that in order for her to work on herself she needed to cut everything out. Apparently that included me. She was my only light at the time aside from my baby brother. I did alot, but once again, it wasnt enough. She was integral to my growth as a person, and just like that i relapsed. I had to pretend that i was okay for the sake of not adding weight on her shoulders. She said she still wanted to be my friend. But when you love as deeply as i do.....its hard to revert bavk to such a place. And so i binged at every show. It ate me alive. And when i told her how much i hurt. She became hurt. And i damaged her. Like all the rest. Im tired of hurting. And im tired of being a vessel of hurt for others. I dont know. This is yhe hennessy talking.