text message starters: part seven (sexcapades gone wrong edition)
[MSG:] What part of “he tried to put his dick in my ear” do you not understand?!
[MSG:] Okay, so next time, maybe use a tighter knot?
[MSG:] HOW DO YOU LOSE A CONDOM MID-INTERCOURSE?!
[MSG:] As he was cumming he yelled “Yahtzee” then said I was free to go. That was my one night stand.
[MSG:] “Sorry” doesn’t fix the chafing around my asshole!
[MSG:] Relax, just get some good concealer and no one will even notice the bite marks.
[MSG:] Okay, so apparently asking a boy “who’s your mommy?” doesn’t have the same affect as “who’s your daddy?”.
[MSG:] He asked “who’s your daddy” and I said I don’t know.
[MSG:] If I pick up a girl, and then she picks up a guy, and we all leave together, did I pick up the guy?
[MSG:] On the upside, that’s one less thing on our sexytimes bucket list!
[MSG:] Come hell or highwater we WILL manage to have sex at work without getting caught one of these days.
[MSG:] Next time you’re taking nude pics for me, maybe glance around the room to make sure your MOM’S NOT THERE.
[MSG:] Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
[MSG:] SLUTTIEST. HALLOWEEN. EVER.
[MSG:] I can’t believe you fell asleep in the middle.
[MSG:] Dude, I’ve got to get back on her good side. I’ve tried masturbating… it’s not the same.
[MSG:] Long story short, we had to call the fire department to get the handcuffs off.
[MSG:] I told you not to buy lube from a tourist shop!
[MSG:] What’s never happened before? The premature ejaculation or the ten minutes of crying afterwards?
[MSG:] So not only did my roommate NOT leave when he saw I had a girl there, HE STARTED SHOUTING BITS OF ADVICE.
[MSG:] Walked in on my boss nailing his secretary on the copy machine. It’s gonna be a VERY awkward meeting tomorrow…
[MSG:] Mom found our “collection.”
[MSG:] I don’t even know if I LIKE sober sex anymore.
[MSG:] Banging your kid’s teacher never ends well.
[MSG:] Her dad came home when we were “busy” so I ended up jumping out her window and getting dressed while I ran up the block to my car. FML
[MSG:] It’s just one of those days where I’m too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
[MSG:] Turns out I’m not as bendy as I thought… it was fun trying, though!
[MSG:] We rented a porno to get ideas. Long story short… we need a new showerhead.
[MSG:] Never take sex advice from your older brother.
[MSG:] Any recommendations for how to tell your girlfriend about the pics of her sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
[MSG:] HE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME. JACKING OFF. ON A PUBLIC CITY BUS. I SHIT YOU NOT.
[MSG:] Speaking French in bed SOUNDS hot, but turns out I only know “baguette” and “bonjour.”
[MSG:] So the threeway turned out to be a twoway while the third one sat and watched in a chair.
[MSG:] NEVER ANSWER THE PHONE IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX EVER AGAIN
[MSG:] We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
[MSG:] Long story short, she’s passed out, we’re both naked, I’m gagged and can’t get the knot undone, we’re in the closet at her mom’s house. SEND HELP.
[MSG:] Also, I’ve finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is okay.
[MSG:] I’m sorry I laughed. But, honey, you were trying to give me a striptease and you tripped on your pants!
[MSG:] So today I found out my mom’s dating my ex-boyfriend, and she’s kinkier than I am. Fuck divorce.
[MSG:] Well, I never thought in the future I’d be able to say “hey remember that Easter when I made porn?”
[MSG:] I have to admit, I’ve never heard of more than two people watching porn together…
[MSG:] I don’t think bruises are supposed to turn green.
[MSG:] That girl’s pussy is like White Castle, you crave it once in awhile, but next morning you regret eating it.
[MSG:] Never sneeze while eating a girl out.
[MSG:] I know he was trying his best to be sexy, but Johnny Depp, he is not.
[MSG:] PENISES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THAT OH MY GOD
[MSG:] So it turns out he’s not into bondage.
[MSG:] I’m straight, but shit happens.
