PRIVATE: I'm not proud of the fact i held that heavinesses for this long, held it until it really affected me, cara mia...but i was so blinded. I felt so stupid. So idiotic, like someone throwing a tantrum because i wasn’t getting my own way, but far more aggressively. And out of every bad thing that entire day that she called me, the second she called me crazy, I slapped her. And that's the part that's kept me awake at night, kept me feeling so utterly ill to my stomach. And what pushed me to my limits the night she handled me in such a state i wished she never had to see me in, at all. It's like i couldn't even hide behind the "I hate you" facade, i was hiding behind. I resented her, but i never hated her. I couldn’t. And i still don't. I know you care, which is why it made me upset having to even tell you all this; but i need you to know, and i promise you this, i'm taking care of myself. Despite, what's currently happening with Cate, i'm really...really trying, billie. We ended up talking. Surprisingly, as if it hadn’t already been a sick joke sharing a room; the night before we left, she had the same idea as i did, getting and early night. Neither of us could sit in that silence. And then suddenly, i found myself admitting that i didn’t want her to disappear, but how do you go from there billie. It just feels like trying to put shards of glass back together, it just aches when you try. And i'm just....exhausted. Because i wish i didn’t love her as much as i still do, it's sick. And thank you for letting me just, stick around when i needed it during those last few days in cancun. I know you're going to tell me i never need to say thank you at all, but shush, let me, i don't care how long we've known one another. You and Pedro showed me kindness when i needed it, and you, are the one important person in my life who always does, i love you even more, my darling. Always will
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