Bernie or Bust: An Erotic Bernie Sanders Fanfiction
Do not read beyond this point if you are my mother.
“Just one more dank meme” Sam said to himself, opening up his dank meme stash “Just one more dank meme and then I can rest.”
Who was he kidding? There was no rest for a Berner. As long as $hillary Clinton was out there buying votes, Sam couldn’t give up. It was his duty. If Sam were to rest for the briefest moment, if he were to let a single opportunity pass by to spread the good word of outsider democratic socialist, Senator Bernard Sanders, the consequences could be disastrous. It was up to him, Sam J. Whiteman, to reject the status quo and take on the greed of the billionaire class. It was Sam’s job- no- his calling- to tear down the corrupt system where big money propped up the institutions that rigged the economy against ordinary Americans- and there was only one way to do it: Internet comments.
No sooner had Sam shared his DANK MEME of Bart Simpson writing “I will never vote for Hillary Clinton” over and over again on a chalkboard, another comment by a misguided woman claiming that sexism existed in politics appeared on his screen.
“Thank GOD I’m here to correct her,” Sam said, mansplainingly.
“Oh, wait,” He chortled, running his hands through his thick, masculine, not-located on his neck beard “THANK SCIENCE, OBVIOUSLY. I almost forgot I am also a rabid militant atheist.”
Sam laid down some serious knowledge on the brainwashed Sheeple woman.
“Don’t worry,” he added, “When Bernie Sanders is president and implements a Medicare-for-all universal health care system that provides every American with affordable, quality care, you will be able to afford to see a doctor for that sick burn. In addition, you will be able to attend college for free so maybe you will stop being so dumb and accepting of whatever the mainstream media shoves down your throat.”
Sam sat back and looked at his work for a moment before adding “I am not a sexist. I have a girlfriend. You just can't meet her because she lives in Canada.”
He paused. “Also, I got laid at Occupy Wall Street.”
All of these statements were 100% true and not made up.
A notification popped up on Sam’s Facebook page. The willfully ignorant un-woke woman had replied to his comment.
“You are such a typical Bernie Bro”
Sam’s fingers danced across the keyboard in a frenzy, “I don’t like your tone. Harassment is not cool, okay?”
Sam was searching through his bookmarks for a thinkpiece about why the term “Bernie Bro” is a horrible, derogatory smear to send to the wretched harpy, when suddenly at his window, appeared a tawny finch.
“Birds are the messengers of the animal world!” Sam observed, “This bird must be here with a message.”
The bird tweeted a beautiful song of hope and a future to believe in and dismantling the establishment.
Sam’s eyes welled with tears at the beauty of it all. The bird’s song drew to a magnificent close and it raised its wings and fluttered from the windowsill. At that exact moment, a knock at the door broke Sam’s reverie.
Sam could hardly believe his eyes when he answered the door.
“Bernie… Bernie, it’s really you” Sam stammered
“May I come in, Samuel?” Senator Bernie Sanders inquired. Sam stepped aside and led him into the house.
“You have a lovely home, Samuel. It’s very tastefully decorated” Bernie commented.
Sam was freaking the fuck out and could not form a response.
“Let me get to the point,” Bernie said, demonstrating leadership skills and initiative, “When I began my campaign, all the odds were against us. But with the help of regular people like you, our political revolution is going strong, and I now definitely have a chance of being the democratic nominee, according to Reddit”
“I donated $27, just like you said”
“Yes, I know” Bernie replied knowingly, “But you’ve contributed so much more. I promised I would run a clean campaign without any personal attacks against my opponents. Without you out there in the trenches on the internet, constantly smearing and defaming Hillary Clinton for me, I may not have received a single vote. You’ve done so much, and I wanted to come here today to thank you personally”
“It’s the least I can do, Bernie” Sam answered humbly.
“Well, Samuel” Bernie said sensually, placing his hands gently on Sam’s shoulders, “I think it’s time now for me to give you something in return.”
Sam was sweating profusely. He leaned in closer to the senator from Vermont and hesitated. “I have to tell you,” Sam confessed, “I have been feeling the Bern for you… in more way than one”
Bernie gazed into Sam’s longing eyes and cupped his chin in his hand. “Samuel…” He breathed, “You’ve got me harder than it is to live in this economy.”
“That’s very hard.” Sam responded. “I have some memes about that”
“Samuel, I’m sick and tired of hearing about your damn memes” Bernie exclaimed, pulling Sam’s face closer to his, “If you’re feeling the bern, show me”
Sam moved closer to Bernie and eagerly met the senator’s waiting lips.
They made out erotically. It sounded like macaroni and cheese being stirred rapidly.
Sam began fumbling with Bernie Sander’s zipper. He could feel Bernie’s growing super delegate, throbbing with lust, waiting impatiently behind the senator’s navy blue dress pants.
“Before we go any further, you need to remember I’m a married man. And I know you have that Canadian girlfriend you talk about on the internet so much” Bernie informed
“She definitely exists, but she’s real chill and this is fine with her” Sam whimpered, pulsating with desire
“Jane and I also have an agreement. As long as we stick to hand stuff it’s cool” Bernie informed.
Bernie and Sam removed each others clothes until they were wearing nothing but socks. Their full, throbbing erections were both very large and impressive. The two began stroking each other with zeal. Sam couldn’t tell where his balls ended and Bernie’s began. It was perfection. In a feverish caucus of hands and dicks, Bernie and Sam brought each other to the top one percent of the top ten percent of sexual ecstasy.
“Bernie or bust!” Sam moaned, and the two climaxed in unison, semen cascading through the air like champagne.
Later, Sam and Bernie lay in each others arms, basking in the afterglow of hand jobs.
“This was so magical, Bernie. It was everything I ever dreamed it would be” Sam whispered
“I can’t be without you, Sam” Bernie replied, “Come with me. Be my running mate. With you at my side, we can’t lose. You’re exactly what we need for a boost in momentum for our political revolution.”
“I would be honored,” Sam answered, kissing Bernie’s forehead tenderly.
The two got dressed and headed outside to where Bernie’s campaign bus was waiting. Bernie raised his hand and his bird friend appeared and alighted on his waiting finger. Bernie and Sam boarded the bus. The engine revved and then the bus took off into the air, and flew off into the sunset, powered by hope, love and dank memes.
