[arrusnahat]

I'm here again

I didn't even get what I needed

I remember it existing but have found no evidence

I wish that was a less common experience for me

I think I'm doing better, btw

No promises, though

[arrusnahat]

I constantly switch between feeling like there are stab wounds in my chest and wanting to create them

[arrusnahat]

I really wish I could take a knife to my skin without it having long lasting consequences 🙄

[arrusnahat]

She didn't even give her a chance and yet she still believes that I am somehow someone she wants to be friends with

[arrusnahat]

I want it to be her that does it

[arrusnahat]

Unexpected turn

The one that was completely on her side and enjoying the tea has apparently turned on her

And now she again is doing the thing of "I understand if you don't want to talk to me"

She really wants me to be the one that does it

That takes her out of her misery

Gives her the excuse to not have to deal with my crap anymore

But she is going to have to be more direct than that

If she keeps playing the "oh I'm the bad guy surely you don't want to talk to me" card I'm just going to keep playing the "bitch no clue what you are on about, you should be the one mad at me" card right back

Idk where I developed this attitude

The thought that she hates me even though she has many times stated the opposite

Idk I think the drama queen made me feel like it was only a matter of time before she convinced her that I was the enemy

And now this has really thrown me off

No clue what happened there

[arrusnahat]

I think starving myself to death could be fun

[arrusnahat]

Oh btw I think the promise might have been to make sure that at least my family is dead before I allow myself to try suicide in an attempt to hurt less people

And here I was hoping that it was a promise to die before I got the chance to actually see the world

I just didn't consider it a promise I had to have made as it has been my main reason for trying at all and has just become a rule

At least I'm pretty sure that was it..

Thought it was a promise from an earlier time than that but my memory is not to be trusted

There is another promise I made myself that I haven't really documented anywhere

I will die

I will die eventually

That's the promise

Stupid, I know

But yknow gotta have some kind of motivator

[arrusnahat]

She both seems so genuine and is completely ignoring what happened

Just recently I saw her use a very similar tone

And it was directed towards the people she hates

In a way that was for sure a lie

A "hope they are happy" that really meant "I hope they suffer for what they have done"

So now I can't help but think she has actually given up

And is just playing nice

Waiting it out

Letting it simmer

It doesn't feel right

It feels like a trap

Or maybe I'm being paranoid

And she is genuine

Well I'll find out soon enough

If she means any of it truly my June will start out nice

Otherwise she'll be sure to make it hell

There is a date set for this

An expiration date set to this plan

Besides

She has never been any good at hiding her feelings for long

She will eventually pull the trigger

She has to

For her own good

Too bad it can't really be lethal on its own

[arrusnahat]

I watched a movie tonight

It was nice.

I don't think it is one I am ever going back to, really

Not really my type

But it cheered me up

Realistically I know things are more fucked up than ever

I am very screwed

With her

With the server

With school

With myself

I am by no means in a good place

I feel there is a lot to go still

A lot worse to come

And it will come

As much as I love to bury my head in the sand and pretend like everything is alright

My problems refuse to just disappear like that

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better

If they ever do

I hope that if I am beaten down enough that I might find a way to escape

A way to make the dreams of my younger self come true at last

I've got a promise to uphold, after all

Maybe one day I will actually remember what it was...

[arrusnahat]

[arrusnahat]

Set-Service -Name "kat" -Status Stopped

[arrusnahat]

So the other main drama lover just decided that I am a lost cause I think

Honestly if that means shit is finally properly falling apart then good, I would live to have less people that are affected by my stupidity

Just leave me alone and let me die in peace

I never asked for any of this

I regret ever getting the courage to open my mouth

I could have prevented myself so much pain if I just stayed quiet about shit I knew jack shit about instead of pretending to help

But nooo I had to insert myself into the situation

I knew from the start that he was trouble

I knew from the start that the server was trouble

I could have avoided all of this

Me not being there would have changed so many things

Mostly just me

It would have saved me from being here now

In the middle of all this bs

Please

Please

Plsese

Whath the hell do I need to do so that I can finally jsut die in peace

[arrusnahat]

It's unfortunate that Lyme doesn't kill, as I'm quite sure I might actually have it

But also this is me

I am stupid

So who knows

It seems like an annoying one to have

So that's unfortunate

[arrusnahat]

I think I might be the most selfish person I have ever known

[arrusnahat]

She says she wants to be friends with me.

She says she will not give up on me.

Today I realised it isn't going to go well.

Because I am not a friend of anyone

Even when I try

I ultimately just am not a friend

And she will eventually realise I'm a lost cause

And just say that she did not give up on me

I gave up on her

And thus her prediction was true

For I left her

For I was never there

For I am but another in a long list of names that hurt her

And she hopes I'm happy

She hopes I'm doing well

And I hope I die so I can finally escape this hell

[arrusnahat]

Yknow I've recently been questioning whether I have ever been a friend to anyone.

I think I am quite sure of the answer, now.

It's no.

I can't even say that I'm a bad friend or anything.

I'm just not a friend.