On Aubrey So and Depression...
So, okay, I was blocked from posting all things on Facebook for 3 days (and currently less than 12 hours to be lifted) so I decided to post these kind of things I saw on Facebook.
Earlier, I checked my FB news feed to find something worthy, I stumbled upon with this post that one of the Filipino local artists took her own life due to depression.
It reminds me of… well I’m going to share my backstory anyway.
When I was 3 years old, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I dunno about my childhood but yeah. I got my temper tantrums anyway. I cannot recall it. I feel so anxious about the disorder I have and let’s admit that they have no cure to that. In short, this will stuck to your head forever.
2009, after I passed with PEPT, I was transferred to the regular school from the SPED center. Despite of most of the people accepting me with open arms, some of them they bullied me and making fun of me about my condition. They always derogatorily labelled me as “Abno”, “May toyo”, “Abnormal”, “Monggoloid”, “Aswang” and all things that makes me offensive.
2012, bullying gone worse. Let’s say, they want me to be friends but deep inside they want me to use my kindness just for the heck of it like extorting money, they want me to do “good things” for them. And worse, they back stabbed me. If I can’t do, they will teasing me and spreading harsh word to me and even worse, the whole Grade 5 students (except the higher section) bullied me, they gave me deep emotional scars. So, I really don’t tell to my mom about that, instead, I pretended that I’m okay. But deep inside, I’m not. Due to that event, I was diagnosed with severe depression. Because of this, I skipped classed, I lost my enthusiasm to learn, I cried everytime I sleep and I want to end up my life by plunging in to the water, hanging myself up on the tree and I almost jumping from the building. All of my attempts was failed.
Years passed, with my mom, my friends, my teachers, colleagues, and even the people loved me and trusted me, I learned myself how to back up from the downward spiral–inch-by-inch.
After I backed up, I got so much blessings and achievements in life after I won at the Technolympics for the Graphic Design category. I attended to the events particularly PATCH Cuts for a Cause and Hallyu Art Fair, I met new people who has a same love for arts and KPOP (even though, I’m still an introvert until now) and I got freelance projects.
Despite all the blessings and achievements, I still got emotional scars from the past, I triggered sometimes to the things reminded me to my past, I made shitons of unintentional mistakes to them which they didn’t gave me another chance to fix and I still got sadness from the rejection of the girl that I loved the most and sometimes I got sick from school works.
I will ask you a question, do you think that depression is a joke?
Well, if depression is a joke, why Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington and SHINee’s Jonghyun took their own lives from the sea of sadness?
This is not a joke anyway.
Depression is a serious kind of disorder.
Most of the people seeking help and love from their friends and loved one. But most of the people said “ang oa mo naman”, “nag-iinarte ka nanaman” et. al. You guys didn’t understand about our serious condition.
Depression is not our choice anyway. But depression chose us because we exist in a cruel society.
We must admit, we are living in a cruel world but we want to find joy and love.
I’m posting this not because I’m an advocate for that but I want to reach out because I experienced that.
All rants, memes and shitposts aside, I just want to reach out and give light to the people who lived in darkness and in pain.
If you’re still struggling yet surviving, just keep going and keep fighting. Strive yourself to find your happiness and love.
And if you want to talk, approach me in the events or online and…
snowghoul
germansingergirl
jbbartram-illu
izzy806
ellievsbear
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