My Life In A Nutshell
Ballet was an unhealthy obsession that I thrived on for many years. I let dancing define me, and lost myself in the process. My family called it a passion, my father said it was an obsession, my instructor told me it was a necessary part of living if I wanted to be remembered. I pushed for years through exhaustion, hunger, social depravation, and harsh criticism. I believed that if I put enough of my skin into this world, that I wished for so long would accept me, I would be remembered or at least have a shot at being loved. I suppose that in some ways I was right. Those who I danced with respected me, fed off of the emotions that I danced with, and the younger children looked up to me. There was a problem though, I was blessed with the kind of body most girls my age would be willing to die to attain. I had hips that did not fit the boyishly straight figure of the traditional ballerina and a natural chest that wouldn’t go away no matter how little I ate. No company worth their weight would even think of hiring me and no serious ballet school would give me a second glance. Passion could not save me from the glares of girls fifteen pounds lighter than I nor mend the gashes from the costume director’s sharp words, it could not take away the hours of shameful looks I gave myself for not being perfect. I loved to dance, but I could no longer endure the trauma that it was tied to.
Once I realized the damage that had been inflicted I fought to let go of what I found to be such a large part of who I am- who I was. When something consumes so much of your time and so much of your soul it is nearly impossible to make a clean break from it.
Three years, one steady relationship, a few too many hobbies, and one job later I still have yet to find out what it is that makes me different. What I do know is that I am supported better than I could ever ask for, loved more than I could ever dream of, and I don’t have to worry about being noticed. I have touched more people’s lives than I can count and continue to do so every day; I am happy with that. There are so many things in this world that I haven’t done, yet I could die tomorrow a happy woman knowing that I am not perfect, I am human.
Thanks for reading :) I wish you a very happy “ending” of your own.
Toodles Noodles
