4As - Know what others expect; then moderate what we expect of ourselves
"Work anxiety has not helped."
That line from a friend prompted this little essay. These are hardly original thoughts, btw. Mainly bits and pieces inspired by other readings.
Our capacity to invent stress is infinite because it's the same capacity that let us imagine the future and possibilities.
If it's not work stress at our workplace, it's stress at home. If work goes well, I could be stressed about something at home. If all is well with my spouse and I, there's my elderly parents to consider. If life is really comfortable, I may wonder if something bad will happen soon.
Work stress is inevitably because work forms such a substantial part of our lives. I figured it arises from:
- Our expectations of what we think others expect of us;
- What we expect of ourselves
You could say it boils down to just one thing: how we reconcile those expectations.
The hard part is being able to temper our expectations by exercising humility, patience, and courage while still giving our best.
You could say it's 4 As: Awareness, Acceptance, Action, (conscious about) Avoidance.
Which is a sexy of saying, "Know what others expect of us; and then moderate what we expect of ourselves".
Saying "It doesn't matter what others think" by itself isn't the solution, as it may be self-delusion. What others think will always matter to most of us because we live in a society. Few of us can keep sane living as hermits.
Our expectations are the obstacle. If we say, "It's ok that I work as a [occupation with lower pay/status]", do we truly feel it's ok?
If it was OK most of us would've just quit our jobs and go for that alternative one that we think will be less stressful.
We don't because society expects people of certain education, experience, age, backgrounds to take up certain jobs. Or certain jobs have a ready-made social classification attached to it.
We may not mind but can we also say the same of our spouses/kids/parents? Our job choices matter to them as well. It's still down to expectations.
The answer to me, at this stage, is really to "Just do our best" knowing that others have expectations, just as we do for ourselves.
If that's our best and we aren't happy with it, beat ourselves up mentally. It's only human and in some ways a necessity. It means we want to improve and we know we can do better.
So beat ourselves up a little but move on with humility.
This doesn't mean telling our boss/clients/staff, "This is my best. I'm sorry I can't do anything about it."
When I say humility, I mean accepting that as we acknowledge that may not have met expectations at that point, we still take action as needed (whether it's to admit our shortcoming, or just keep quiet and move on). To do that requires us to be aware of what our expectations are saying to us, knowing what we may be avoiding just to cope, and the consequences of our choices.
Perhaps the 4As won't make you, my friend, sleep any better. In really bad situations, I can't either. But I think it helped me understand why I cannot sleep, and awareness/understanding of what troubles us does lend some comfort when we face uncertainties.
The line between self-delusion and (for want of a better word) enlightenment is Awareness. Then Acceptance is a way to allow us to take Action, rather than Avoidance.
Some people find peace by avoidance, but that's temporary. Peace is more permanent through acceptance of our faults and having the humility to correct our faults.
True acceptance requires courage.
