Manorian thoughts on KoA - Affection
I find it so SO interesting that throughout Kingdom of Ash, it hadn’t been Dorian who showed affection between him and Manon as I (and I’m sure all of us) expected him to be.
It was Manon who’d come striding to his tent unannounced and disturb him even if it’s just to sit next to him in the dark (and eventually lead to something more). It was Manon who initiated an explanation about sharing a tent between the two of them, as if it needed one. It was Manon who complimented Dorian and asked him for advice with court intrigue and scheming in regards to their precarious situation with the Crochans. It was Manon who slid over him and initiated first contact when they knew it was time to stop talking and move on to more pleasurable things. It was Manon who INITIATED THEIR MOST INTIMATE AND VULNERABLE hand-holding moment and CUDDLED with him after (!!!!). I could go on and on!
Dorian was so convinced that he didn’t deserve to care for Manon, let alone love her, that he kept trying to find ways to see Manon as nothing but a present, pleasurable connection; a wild “release” that he needed whilst everyone around him was dying and/or progressing in their journeys.
And I think that’s why he wasn’t the one to approach her or to initiate the showing of affection. He was afraid that his strong feelings for Manon, his growing love for her is a “betrayal” to the memory of Sorscha, of Adarlan, and of his mission to right his wrongs. Lines to note specifically:
“Gods above, she was beautiful. He wondered when it would stop feeling like a betrayal to think so.”
“But the hours in this tent hadn’t yielded any sort of intimacy. Only blessed distraction. For both of them. He was glad of it, he told himself.” - here we see Dorian trying to convince himself that he was glad that it was just a distraction when clearly, in the first half of the book, it wasn’t.
Throughout this time, we can see that Manon’s growing to care for Dorian more and more, hence, the affection, or the physical manifestation of such care and love for him through these moments. She’s always aware of him, just as much as he is (the book was riddled with such and I wanted to scream every time!).
It’s interesting to note his conversation with Maeve as well regarding their supposed marriage alliance. Maeve’s only information about Manon and Dorian’s relationship is through Cyrene (correct me if I’m wrong here). But already, Maeve knows Manon’s importance in his life and vice versa…and she tries to use it against him.
“But that is neither here nor there. Cyrene is dead, and you are a long way from the arms of Manon Blackbeak.”
“And Manon Blackbeak? What of your promises to her?” “I have made her no promises regarding my throne, and she wants nothing to do with them, anyway.” He didn’t hide the bitterness as he shrugged again. “Marriages have been built on far more volatile foundations than this one.” - IMPORTANT. Even after the most intimate and vulnerable of moments they shared before he left, Dorian has let himself believe that Manon doesn’t actually care for him as he thought or wanted her to be. Manon gave him his heart just before this, for crying out loud! Was willing to give up her freedom for him and yet, he was blinded by his resolution that he did not deserve it. That to be loved by someone that deeply that they would give up everything for him, cannot be possible after all that he has done. Hence, his bitterness about it. About the actual truth that their alliance/their MARRIAGE would not have been built in a volatile foundation, but of actual love, respect, care, and admiration for each other.
Dorian’s emotional baggage has blinded him from the love that he could have right then and there with Manon. It’s no wonder that he felt jealous of the physical affection between Chaol and Yrene and how he deeply yearned for it, wanted it, and who invades his thoughts while looking at them? Manon!! Because he wants her, because he loves her, and because he wished they could share that same casual intimacy his best friend had. And knowing, deep inside, that he could have, if he just let himself love her and be loved in return.
For Sorscha. He kept repeating to himself the entire time. Not because he didn’t love her (he did!) but because he wanted to make things right. He wanted to finish his mission, to rid the world of Erawan and Maeve and the darkness, so he could be at peace that Sorscha has been vindicated and therefore, he can love another (Manon) and have her “remain by his side for all his days”. Which is what he’s wanted all along. He was “selfish” and “greedy enough” for her that he wanted her, always have.
But he couldn’t act on it, not until he’s done what he has to do, even at the cost of his life.
WOW this is long! But I’m glad that both Manon and Dorian’s arcs showed precisely how reflective they are of each other, how “she was already his equal, his match, his mirror in so many ways.”
So, in short, though Manon showed most of the physical affection (and I 100% LOVED IT BEYOND MEASURE), we can be assured just how much Dorian would’ve done so if he hadn’t been in such a dark place at that time (i.e. pulling her tight against him during their last night together, and approaching her and pulling her into a hug himself after the final battle when she needed the comfort).
Manorian delivered in KoA. And I’m so excited that their journey as two people with the burden of their crowns and their kingdoms, can now do so together.
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