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I am away from my natural habitat, and what intelligent life was here has been gone for over a year. I will also soon be gone, but in the mean time, writing about the animals that surround me eases the pain a little.

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Dinner Etiquette

Perhaps more of a rant than anything else, I just wanted to send my thoughts on Native Female, Native Male, and Least Intelligent Female into the ether regarding their manners.

Yesterday I prepared a very labour intensive and extremely nice meal for the three mentioned above. The offences:

Native Male is quick to help himself first and take a VASTLY selfish and unfair portion of the food with no thought for anyone else. 

Native Female invited Least Intelligent Female to this, not asking me if it was all right. Of course it would have been, but it's only polite to ask.

I called Least Intelligent Female as Native Female was due back for dinner but had no phone on her, and was informed by her that she was coming round. She didn't ask, just stated it.

She then turned up, ate the food and sat staring transfixed at the television, too unintelligent to be able to talk while something as distracting as a television is on, (god forbid though we turn it off), meanwhile giving no thanks at ANY point - not when it was brought to her, or when she was eating it, or when she was done, or when she left. Also in the brief times that she managed to pry her dull, cow eyes from the screen and engage her atrophied brain to communicate, she actually had the audacity to be in a foul mood!

Where I am from, we even sometimes bring a gift to dinners, like a bottle of wine, but the animals do not exhibit this kind of behaviour. Now I'm going to stop thinking about this before blood starts boiling out of my ears.

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Pluralisation

I've tried many times to no avail to explain why it is preferable to talk about 'black people' or 'gay people', rather than saying 'the blacks' or 'the gays'.

I thought I'd cracked it when I explained that saying 'a black person' implies that they are person who is black, whereas referring to a group as 'blacks' implies that they are different, and that being black is the whole of who they are. Almost describing separate species - Blacks, Gays, Asians etc.

This also implies that a person in any of these groups are the same as any other. A gay person can be anyone who is gay, but saying 'the gays' tars everyone with the same brush, but this of course is how the animals are wired.

They dismiss these kind of musings as 'political correctness gone mad'. I would argue that this is merely political correctness, which is essentially just being polite and trying not to offend people.

These are however two things, that if removed from Least Intelligent Male and Migratory Male, would not leave them with much else.

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Oh my god, it's like so weird that you're a Jew AND you like Hip-Hop. It's just like, such an odd mix.

Least Intelligent Female

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We Do It To Ourselves

Least Intelligent Female: You know you do bring it on yourself. (talking about anti-semitic jokes)

Explorer: How's that?

Least Intelligent Female: Because you're Jewish. And you have to understand, where I'm from, there just aren't any Jewish people.

Note: I forgot that not having met someone before justifies ongoing racism, how silly of me.

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Whenever you go to 'those' clubs, loads of really sleazy black guys come on to you. It's horrible.

Native Female

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Mild But Innate Racism

Why is it that he always specifies a colour in his stories? Unless of course the colour would otherwise be white, and then the detail is omitted. As if white is the normal state for a person and anything else must be described.

"I was sitting at my window and this black guy walked past." - what is the significance of him being black? We'll find out, I'm sure.

"I was sitting at my window and this black guy walked past. He saw me smoking and gestured for me to throw him a cigarette."

Note: the grammar has been improved from the original, it is absurd to think that this particular male would ever use the word 'gesture'.

"I gave him a baffled look, and then exchanged a look of confusion and incredulity with a couple walking behind him."

First of all, bravo. A truly gripping and compelling yarn. Our lives have been genuinely enriched by this tale. Thank you Native Male for sharing this with us.

Secondly, and most importantly, (baring in mind we are treated to many of these stories each and every day), why is it always necessary to specify a colour? The race of the man in this story was not relevant to the tale, unless of course we are meant to infer that this shocking break from social norms would never have occurred if the man in question was white.

The answer is far less exciting however, and infinitely more disappointing. Native Male is not in fact racist, merely ignorant. Raised in a small isolated environment, and forever slightly out of place in more metropolitan habitats. Never quite getting to grips with the idea that we are all the same, but forever condemned to tell stories featuring irrelevant references to colour and race, as if they tell us a story of their own.

I've noticed two traits so far. If the story is worth telling and features the keyword 'black', then it will involve some form of social faux pas or possibly mild criminal behaviour. Keyword 'asian', then we will hear a story also featuring the words 'rudeboy' and 'chav'.