// & * but were we indestructible?

alexei seleznyov. dhampir. guardian. lost the battle, win the war... bringing my sinking ship back to the shore...

[aseleznyovs-blog]

valeriavaltameri:

His reaction isn’t unexpected. She knows what he’s like, how cautious he is and how it’s not in his nature to be vulnerable like this. That being said, she still can’t suppress the groan at his words. “Alex…” She whines his name, a god honest whine and she pouts at him briefly before her mouth slowly starts to pull into a smile again. Despite his obvious reluctance to follow along with her plan, she was far too excited about showing him the surprise to let her mood truly be affected. She hadn’t said it aloud, but she was truthfully overjoyed at the mere thought of sharing a place with him. It’s been a long time since she’s had a relationship that she thought was going somewhere. Since Sienna, she hadn’t been as trusting or as open with her partners. Sam had been the longest relationship she’d had since her previous wife, and they’d only been together a year. But this act made her feel like she finally had a chance to really experience love again.

Valeria glanced around, checking the neighbours windows and streets, thankful when she saw no one around. She stepped forward, sliding her hands up his torso to rest on his chest as she smiled up at him. “I know I’m asking you to go against your grain here, but it’s only for a few minutes and yes, it’s kind of important to how I pictured it in my head.” Her voice is soft, mouth pulled up in a fond smile. “Plus, don’t forget I have magic. I can be the protector, too. Even if all I can do is drown people in a bubble of water.” She shrugged her shoulders, a laugh escaping from her lips before she could help it. “So, indulge me. Please?” Sliding her hands down, she caught her hands in his before rising onto her toes to press a quick kiss to his lips. Val slid the blindfold into one of his hands before pulling away and moving towards the passenger side. “And get in the car.”

She left the decision literally in his hands as she climbed into the car, starting up the engine and buckling in and she couldn’t stop fidgeting. Val just couldn’t wait to show him what would soon be their home, their place to make a million and more memories. Together. 

An eyebrow quirks up at the words that leave her mouth. He knows she’s right of course, but that’s what it comes back too --- she’s asking him to go against what is in his nature, sewn into the very soul of who he is. And yes, Alexei is changing, becoming more open with who he is, questioning the life he was raised in and beginning to want for something that is wholly his own. But this is so much more than change. He’d do anything for this woman, without a doubt, but what she is asking --- Alexei isn’t even sure he’d do it for his sisters.

His shoulders sag and the blindfold in his hands suddenly felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds. Alexei glanced down at the fabric, then up at Val where she was fidgeting in the car. ( Indulge her --- as if he didn’t already do that as it was. This however, was so much more. Losing the one thing that kept him sharp, alert and aware in a world full of Strigoi that could kill him, turn him undead and destroy the very Alexei that Val knew? He knows what his sisters would say. Ana wouldn’t approve, vocally at that and Katya would do that silent, judgy look with her eyes that always had him feeling guilty and stupid in equal measure. But his sister’s aren’t here --- Alexei is. )

“She’s lucky I love her.” He muttered to himself, quiet enough that Val couldn’t hear his words. WIth a heavy sigh, he rounded the side of the car, slipping into the passenger seat. “I still don’t get this.” He huffed, before unfolding the scrap of fabric, and deftly tying it around the slope of his head. Immediately, a wave of apprehension and panic overcame him --- and all his other, already heightened senses, kicked into overdrive. He could hear the steady breathes of Val next to him, the scrape of his jeans as he fidgeted in his seat. If he really concentrated, he could even hear the subtle, soft click-clack sound of heels from a woman up the road, most likely on her phone. Alexei’s hand curled into a fist, digging his fingernails into the meaty flesh of his palm.

He didn’t like this, not one bit. Every peice of him was fighting against this, practically begging to rip the blindfold off and see the world as it was again. He felt a certain kind of powerlessness like this --- stripped bare for the world to see. It felt as if he had a target on his back, but unlike before, everyone was suddenly aware of it. This wasn’t like he was in a fight and he was trying to mask his injuries --- no. This was a blatant obvious, sign that Alexei was incapacitated. And all at the hands of the tiny mermaid to his left. “Are we moving anytime soon?” He growled, teeth digging into his bottom lip.

[aseleznyovs-blog]

valeriavaltameri:

( ALEXEI. )

“Put this on and promise me you won’t take it off until I say so.”

She’s nervous, ridiculously so. They’ve been back together for a while now, back in their happy little bubble like they had been before things got complicated and she’d allowed outside factors get in the way of what they had. But they moved past it, they’re fine now. They’re back to visiting each other in their lunch breaks, sneaking kissing when they were sure no one was looking, holding hands under tables. Sleeping alone had felt strange for months, but now her bed was warm again whenever they were able to spend nights together. Not to mention the make up sex had been beyond incredible. She’s hasn’t been the type of person to think she had needed a man to complete her in centuries, but she feels like herself again now that they’re back where they belong. He’s her partner, has been for what’s more like eight years now and she doesn’t know what to do without him by her side.

So if anything, she should be less nervous and let the excitement that’s been bubbling away take over. Really, she shouldn’t be nervous at all. It’s not like they haven’t talked about this at length. They’d already weighed the pros and cons, assessed the risks that would come in actually getting a place together. She knows this will make it harder for them to get away with keeping their relationship a secret, but friends becoming roommates isn’t unheard of. They could get away with it as long as they continue being careful and not drawing attention to themselves. And really, it should come as no shock to anyone that they would end up sharing a place when they’ve been such close ‘friends’ for so long. They can do this, she’s sure of it.

So here she stands, leaning against her car out the front of her house with a blind fold held out to him. She hasn’t told him anything about her plans, only to meet her at her house with the promise of a surprise for him. “I promise this time I’m not asking you to do anything kinky. It won’t be a surprise if you’re not blindfolded, though.” Val grins excitedly, peering up at him and she can barely keep still. “So, hop in the car, put the blind fold on and absolutely no peeking.” 

The thing is, when Alexei got off work that afternoon, switching over guard duty with his Moroi and heading off to meet Val --- he wasn’t quite expecting to find his mermaid girlfriend waiting out front of her house, blindfold in hand and nervous tension radiating throughout her body. 

Of course, it’s not like Alexei doesn’t trust Val. He does, more than he trusts most people, if not himself on a good day. But when she comes right out of the gate, asking him to putting a blindfold on --- it’s not that Alexei doesn’t trust her it’s just. Not exactly par for the course when it comes to the two of them. He eyes the blindfold in question, arms crossed over his chest, hovering in front of her house. In all honesty he’d thought surprise meant her opening the door naked or something --- not asking to blindfold him so she could drive him somewhere to do something; the whole event seeming far too clock and dagger. ( What happened to a good ol’ movie and dinner date night? They were good at those, even more so at the couch sex that followed. )

The emotional part of his brain kicks in --- reminds him that if this was anyone else, he would have told them in no uncertain terms to go fuck themselves. Mostly because he wasn’t about to put himself in a position of vulnerability, but also because fuck riding around in a blindfold. This town gossiped enough as it was; there was no need to throw blindfolded Dhampirs into the mix. --- but this wasn’t just anyone. This was is Val. Val who he’d fight for and die for, love with every last bit of heart, mind, body and soul. Val who’d been in his life for longer than he could remember, who’d known him longer than anyone. There was a lot he’d do for Val --- including letting his guard down and potentially opening himself up to attack. ( He can do that, can’t he? History suggests yes, but his nature fights back none the less. )

But because he’s a stubborn son of a bitch, Alexei’s lips pursed and he rolled back and forth on the balls of his feet. "Can’t I just promise to keep my eyes shut or is this blindfold thing really that important to you?”

[aseleznyovs-blog]

valeriavaltameri:

Valeria often wonders how their futures would pan out. She wonders how long they would have to keep them a secret, to steal kisses in secret and hold hands when no one was looking. With Sienna, keeping their marriage a secret hadn’t been too difficult. She was a jinn, able to warp reality easily so that to all it merely looked like they were friends. Even if they wanted to, it would have been too dangerous to be open about them in a time where women got burned at the stake and called witches just for having an opinion. If they’d known that the two of them ate each other out on a regular basis, the whole town would have tried to kill them.

Her relationships had never really been conventional. The most normal ones she’d ever had were with her husbands, and even that hadn’t really been normal considering she was a mermaid and they were humans. They’d have to move a lot to avoid suspicion of why he grew older while she remained the same and while she hasn’t admitted it, she’s sure that her desperate desire for her immortality to disappear stemmed from that. From watching everything change around her, watching all her friends and loved ones die while she was supposed to carry on. But she’s lived for two thousand years. She’s tired of that and while she would never take her own life ( though she has considered it a few times ), she’s tired of not growing older. She’d even take the wrinkles and sagging breasts over living another thousand years without change. 

“He was just mad at always being after Aurelia to learn news, it wasn’t really about you.” Her lips quirked upwards into an amused smile at the instant scowl on his face. She’s certainly not a fan of hunters, especially after the narrow escapes she’s had over the years and her last relationship. “Love has a funny way of coming about.” She mused out loud. “And who knows, maybe he’s one of the few good ones around that only hunts the ones that go around murdering people. Even still, you can’t help who you fall in love with and Ana can take care of herself. If this hunter turns out to just be a lesson, she’ll learn and she’ll move on. If they’d serious about each other, maybe he’ll stop for her. I’d still keep an eye on him though. Hunters are very good at keeping secrets, just look at how long Sam had me fooled for.” 

Val’s hands burrowed in the pockets of her coat, keeping them warm and she made a mental note to splash herself with water when they got back considering how dry her hands felt. “You’re the furthest thing from a terrible person.” She answers automatically, shaking her head. “And if they don’t come around, well…your family doesn’t have to be your blood.”

She could detect from his tone and body language that there was something about the subject of Katya that gained a reaction from him, albeit not one she could see on the outside. It was all she needed to know that he knew at least some of what was going on with her, but she couldn’t bring herself to bring up right now. She’ll bring up the subject again in a few days and tell him what she does know, happy to be honest with him about this and everything else from now on. She just wanted tonight. It’s been a couple of months already since they’ve been together and it may be a little selfish of her, but she just wants tonight and tomorrow to be about them connecting again, molding back together the things that were broken when they ended things. 

“Really, she didn’t tell you about how embarrassingly messy I was when I told her? I guess that’s not too surprising.” She snorted when he mentioned Kat not breaking the rules, nodding her head. He had that right. Her smile widened as he pulled her closer, hands lifting out of her pockets to rest on his chest. With a playful glint in her eyes, she raised a brow at him and it was almost embarrassing that he had the ability to turn her on with that one sentence. Thankful for the extra height of her heels, she slid one hand up to rest against the side of his neck, thumb on his jaw. “I think you know by now that I can be very…” She ducked her head to press a kiss where his neck and shoulder met. “Very…” Her lips pressed against his pulse point, sucking just slightly. “…Nice.” Her head tilted up so they were face to face, her lips close enough to his that they could almost brush. Before they could though, she grinned playfully and turned her head to press a kiss to his cheek instead before pulling back. “You better unlock the car if you want to get going, baby.” 

Alexei knows happiness and contentment comes at a cost. Evenmore so in his life, than it ever will to Valeria’s. She’s a Queen, and whilethe people talk, she still leads them at the end of the day, and they followher rule. Alexei isn’t as lucky. Once his people get wind of what he’s doing--- of dating a mermaid, of designing plans in secret to leave the program ---he’ll be branded a traitor and an outcast, banished from Oak Pines and verypossibly forced into retraining till he’s complaint and once again repeatingthey come first like a prayer.

He knows, acutely, what chasing this thing with Val willcost him. His family, his name, his honor, his reputation, all of it will godown the toilet if he dares continue this. But despite knowing the risks andwhat might happen --- Alexei can’t seemingly stop himself from falling down therabbit hole. He’s already half the way there, if the ring he has is anything togo by, so why not fall the rest of the way?

( Besides, there are others there for him. His sisters, everrebellious and looking to break the mold, would surely stay by his side. AndZara would too, for she’d long grown too old to bother what politics andtreaties cared up. And of course – Val. She would be there. She’d always beenthere, from the very first moment he met her, from the time he realised heloved her, to the many other moments they’d shared across the years before theygot together. No matter how much time Alexei had left, he knew Val would bethere for all of it. ) Family doesn’t have to be your blood, is what she’d said,not even moments before. She was right of course --- she’d been Alexei’s familyfor long as he could remember.

And as time had proven, Alexei was willing to risk every andanything for his family.

A short, sharp exhale left his body as Val placed a kiss atthe sport where his shoulder met his neck, and near automatically, one ofAlexei’s hands came around Val’s wait, pressing her closer and holding herthere. Screw the two of them being in public. He just got the love of his lifeback, the rest of the world was just going to have to fucking deal with it.Within moments, a soft, bright grin, full of love and adoration, burned brightacross his handsome features as he glanced down at her, head shaking softly.Idly, his thumb brushed soft patterns against Val’s coat, before transitioninginto words of love in Romanian. “Who says I want to get going?” He quipped,just to be an asshole. “Maybe I’m fine right here.” His bright grin turned intosomething of an amusing smirk, teasing and just this slight of dirty. Still,his free hand dipped inside his pocket for his car keys and clicked theautomatic unlock button, shaking his head despite everything. “Come on.” BeforeAlexei could think, he ducked his head down slightly, pressing a peck againstVal’s lips, winking a moment later before he rounded the car to the driver’sside. “Since you’re so demanding and all.”

[aseleznyovs-blog]

valeriavaltameri:

Thinking about their romance thus far, she can almost compare to that of a television romance. They’ve had seven long years of just friendship before feelings were brought into the mix. They’ve had their courses of drama with his ex-girlfriend coming back from the dead and unveiling a whole can of worms, and her ex-wife? Well, she had dug up a whole load of feelings Valeria had been suppressing for years. Though the two of them were on better terms now after one late night that started with them in a heated argument and ended with them saying all the things they had never resolved. They’d gone through a break up, bounced back from it, and Val only hopes that they get a happy ending. And maybe they had to go through all those crazy ups and downs in order to move forward as a real couple and have some kind of future together. She knows that her kingdom would be opposed that she’s not dating her own kind, but she doesn’t care. She’d gladly trade every potential lover in the world if that means she gets to be with him. 

Her smile widened as she felt his lips against her skin and she pressed against him a little more, finally feeling at home for the first time in months. He’s warm on a cold December night like this one, and she’s glad to have him here considering she’d walked to the council meeting to clear her head before having to see Alex and she was somewhat glad for it now that they would be going back to his place. Stopping near his car, she stepped out of his embrace somewhat reluctantly and turned before leaning against the passenger door. “I think I could bring him around to the idea. I think he was more upset with me than he was with you when he found out about us. And while he is one of my two meddling siblings that wasn’t too pleased with you when we broke up, I’m pretty sure I can get him to change his mind. Besides, dealing with a newborn means very little sleep for him, imagine dealing with two. I seriously doubt he’s going to give a shit about what’s going on in my love life for the next six months at least.”

Losing him had felt like he had been her air supply and suddenly she couldn’t breathe anymore, like she couldn’t think straight. Now it felt like no time had passed at all. Her smile faltered slightly at the thought of his sister though. She’d nearly forgotten about her visit to Katya’s, her admission about her’s and Alexei’s love in the midst of tears and screaming. “As for your own sisters, I’m sure you guys will patch things up, stubborn as you all are. You’re family, after all.” She commented softly. “You’ve seen Katya lately then? Is she, um….looking well?” She probed lightly because she didn’t want to be the one to unveil Katya’s pregnancy to him, but she didn’t want to keep that secret if he didn’t know, either. “I don’t know if she told you, but I kind of told her about us. I’m sorry, I know she’s your sister and it should have come from you, I just got caught up in my emotions. I still feel like I can share my secrets with her as if she was still my best friend.”

He knows they’ve survived more than most couples would usually. Seven years of friendship --- of other relationships and pining and attempts to lose themselves in others, so not to risk what they had. Near losing the others when shit exploded from the insanity that seemed to plague this little town of theirs. Break-ups and secrets that tore them apart, albeit for a short amount of time. And all of that wasn’t even touching the fact their species for all intents and purposes --- hated each other.

( For Alexei’s kind, it was less about the mermaids and more about duty. Loyalty and honor. He was expected to guard his Moroi till a certain point, before he was expected to have children --- be loyal and do his duty by furthering the existence of Dhampirs and protecting the next generation of Moroi. They come first; three little words that governed his life and all it entailed --- till now, it seemed. Till he met the one person is willing to risk everything and all things for. His heart tells him it was bound to happen eventually, his head tells him it took her, the one who’d been there along and believed in him despite all things --- for this change to really happen. )

“Well, either way, can’t really blame him.” Alexei shrugged, fishing his keys out of his pocket and swinging the collection around his index finger. “Just gotta look at how I reacted to learning Ana was dating that hunter prick.” The mere mention of the fucker in question brings a near instant scowl to Alexei’s face --- and look, it’s not like he’s trying to actively be a dick about the whole situation. He’s not trying to stand in the way of his baby sister’s happiness and he knows, acutely so --- that happiness can often be found in the most unlikely of places, but. A hunter? The kind of man who has most likely killed their kind? It was one thing to be involved with species at odds and defying those odds --- it was another to love a man who hunted them. Alexei couldn’t accept it and most likely never would, either. ( No matter how much hurt it caused Ana. )

The keys stopped swinging and Alexei scoffed bitterly. “Family.” His lips pursed. “Ours is more like a collection of terrible people who know there’s strength in numbers when it comes to our kind.” A sigh rippled through his frame and he shrugged again. “Kat? Yeah --- she’s good."

Alexei didn’t know if he was ready exactly to share what was going on with Katya. He didn’t want to keep secrets from Val, but this wasn’t his secret to tell. And Katya was already in trouble as it was, given the parentage of her son. The kid had to live a life of secrecy, whether he liked it or not and while Alexei wholly trusted Val to keep such a thing a secret --- this was dhampir business and dhampir politics. It was a fraught situation at the best of times and despite that, it still had the potential to go nuclear on their asses. ( Alexei wasn’t willing to risk his sister and his nephew just yet. There was a time and a place to tell Val, it just wasn’t now. Especially not when they’ve only just reunited. Screw him if he just wants this day and this moment for the two of them. )

“She didn’t tell me she knew...” He trailed off, chin raising slightly as he processed the information. “But I doubt she really gives all that much of a shit about what goes on between us, anyway. Kat’s never really been one for the rules these days.” A wry smile quirked the edges of Alexei’s lips --- an odd mixture of pride and exasperation at the situation of a whole. Glancing around the area quickly and finding it deserted --- most people inside since it was fucking cold, even for the supernatural --- he reached a hand out, tugging on the edge of Val’s coat and tugging her closer to him, winking a moment later. “Come on. There’s a bottle of wine at my place I might just share with you if you’re nice to me. I may even swing for takeout if you’re real nice.”

[aseleznyovs-blog]

valeriavaltameri:

Valeria snorted and rolled her eyes, hands raising to his chest and shoving him playfully. “Shut up you, it’s not too late for me to take it back.” She shook her head, although her eyes held a playful glint and her voice was full of amusement and adoration. Even though she was usually the one to say ‘I love you’ first and started kisses, the one who wore her heart on her sleeve, she knew that he loved her. She knew the signs to look for, the tells he had. Even when they weren’t dating, he’d always had a way of making her feel appreciated and cared for the way no one else could. She’s always felt safe with him and there’s no one she would rather allow to take care of her heart. 

And she’s missed this so badly. She’s rarely messing around with anyone but her students and occasionally her siblings, but getting to mess around and be silly and laugh with him made her feel light, like she had no worries. God, she’s just missed this. And she hates that they’ll have to go back to hiding it, but she’ll sacrifice that want if only to have him back with her. It doesn’t stop her from wishing she could kiss him in public though and showing everyone around that she loved him.

Walking to his car with him, a feeling of bliss takes over her and paints a pretty picture in her head. A picture of what she hopes to be their future Both of them, smiling, walking down the street just like this except everyone knows about them and no one cares. No one cares that she’s a mermaid and probably should have married someone from the merfolk community to rule her kingdom with her. No one cares that he’s a guardian in love with a mermaid and he’s not betraying his job or his upbringing by being with him. There’s no stupid rules, there’s just Val and Alex, simple as that, with wedding rings on their fingers (but no kids, because that’s not in the cards for her and she’s accepted the fact that it never will be). It’s a pretty picture, one that she hopes she gets to bring to life one day.

Val leaned into him, glancing around to make sure no one was looking before wrapping her own arm around his waist and tucking her head against his shoulder. She made a face of acknowledgement, nodding her head. “Fair enough. I wish we’d had things like clubs when I was in my 20′s. We just used to get together in little taverns and drink. People would make music out of whatever was around and we’d dance all night.” She smiled wide, thinking about all the friends she’d once had. “I don’t care if it’s only a few sentences, I still want to know.” She murmured it softly, shrugging her shoulders before nodding enthusiastically. “Yes! They had a boy and a girl: William John and Thea Renee. I saw them last week when I went over and honey, they’re so precious. Will looks so much like Luca already.” Much as she was opposed to having any for herself, she adored babies, and the way she sounded while talking about her niece and nephew made it sound like they were the cutest thing on earth. “I’ll show you the pictures I took with them later.”

If there’s one thing Alexei has learnt about finally allowing himself this --- love and happiness and acceptance and joy --- it’s that there’s a sad truth about loving someone. That when you open yourself up, let them in and show them all the parts of yourself --- the good, the bad and the ugly ( in his case, the downright traumatic ) --- you’re also opening yourself up to suffering. TO hurt and pain and complications; and the possible reality that maybe it won’t work out. That maybe they’ll break your heart, or maybe possibly, you’ll break their heart; never being able to look at yourself in the mirror again. ( He hopes that that’ll never happen with them, but there was also once a time when he thought he’d never get the girl --- or that he’d loose her, for however long he lost her. ) Those are the risks, though. That’s what happens, that’s the burden of being with someone, of opening yourself up. But they’re like wings, in a way --- they have weight, and that weight despite being felt, everyday, acutely, even more so given his upbringing and occupation --- somehow lifts him up.

( His mind casts back to the little store with the ring once again, and he thinks, maybe --- moving up the timeline to buy said ring is a good idea. Of course, there’s always the chance she’d say no to his proposal... and he should consider that reality, right? They had a limited number of good years left, before his body started to break down, not even the Moroi blood managing to keep him afloat any longer. Maybe Val wanting to marry him wouldn’t happen --- maybe she’d try to save herself the pain of seeing him grow old and say no. Give the two of them a few more years before taking to the sea once again. His head spins with all the possibilities of what could happen, and the only thing that grounds him to the hear and now is the solid weight of her shoulders under his arm, her head tucked against his shoulder. ) He ducks slightly, pressing a kiss to her forehead before returning to his original position, as if that hadn’t just been his most obvious sign of public affection for her.

“Work. Fought with my sister. Fought with my other sister.” Alexei stated bluntly, shrugging casually as if the two fights weren’t anything to worry about at all --- when it reality they quite possibly something to worry about. “Some more work. See? Handful of sentences.” A slightly cheeky grin worked it’s way over his face, before he ducked slightly, allowing a softer, stoic look taking it’s place. As Val beamed about her own niece and nephew, Alexei’s mind couldn’t help but remember about his own sister’s unexpected pregnancy --- and how her due date was coming up any minute now. How he soon was to be an uncle, too. Inhaling sharply, he stuffed the feelings and the problems that arose down to be dealt with another day. Today wasn’t about his sister or his nephew, but him and Val. “I’ll have to meet them one day. If Luca’d be okay with that.”

[aseleznyovs-blog]

valeriavaltameri:

She can feel heat rising in her cheeks at his words, head ducking down as she smiles and she feels almost like a schoolgirl getting a compliment from her high school crush. It’s still makes her feel special that she gets to see this part of him, the part that so many doubt exists. A pang of guilt hits her that he handed her his heart and she had bruised it, damaged the trust that they had carefully built between them over so many years. 

In that moment, with that silly grin of his in mind, she vowed never to hurt him like that again.

Val raised her hand to the side of his face, stroking her thumb across his cheekbone before she tilted her chin up and pressed her mouth to his for a moment. She left it short, her smile breaking the kiss. “I love you, you know?” She murmured simply in response. It’s strange that she is so old and has experienced love so many times, yet with him it feels like the first time. In reality they haven’t been together very long, but she knows that it’s him. In any universe, in any lifetime, in any period from now on, she would love him. And she hates to think about the fact that one day he’ll die, but when he does she’s sure that she’ll love him for the rest of her life. She dreads the thought of anyone coming after him because he’s the only one she wants to spend every day of her life with. Even over all of her past husbands, she’s never felt quite like this for someone before him. She’s never been treated so equally, been understood so completely or loved by someone like he loves her. She’s thought it a million times before now, but she didn’t know how she got so lucky as to have him in her life.

She squeezes his hand, smile wide at the idea of not having to go home alone. She’s always hated sleeping alone, and her bed has felt colder since they’ve been apart. “I think I can get you out of your funk quicker than that.” Val replied coyly, flicking her hair over her shoulder. She grimaced at the idea of Dimitri’s place, knowing what she knows about Milah and him. “He’s certainly not known for being subtle, and that’s saying something coming from me. Maybe convince him to go to that club just inside out town though instead of Dimitri’s, make it a real night out.” Valeria’s shoulder raised as she made the suggestion, hoping the idea might make him a little more comfortable than a night in DImitri;s presence. “I’m glad I get you to myself tonight and Saturday though, I want to hear everything I’ve missed with you. Oh, that reminds me!” She grinned wider, eyes lighting up with excitement and she very nearly forgot to keep walking. “Guess who became an aunt as of two weeks ago?”

Alexei leant himself into the short kiss, sweet though it was. He doesn’t even fight the soft grin that blooms on his face in response, --- he’s too far gone for this woman to even care that the world knows she’s his weakness. ( Let them know, he thinks to himself. Let them know she’s his weakness and his beginning, middle and end --- he’ll show them what happens when you fuck with her. Probably even make them regret the day they were born by the time he was through with them. )

Alexei hummed, eyes cracking open. “I’d hope so. It’d be real awkward if you didn’t love me at this stage.” And, God, how’s he’s missed this --- missed her more than words could even come close to describing. He didn’t even realise how she’d wormed her way into every part of his life till she left it; how she was his best friend, his girlfriend, the love of his fucking life all rolled into one; how she was the one who knew him, saw every ugly, bruised part of him and didn’t turn away. There was no one else in his life like that, --- no one even came close, not his sisters, not his various friends that he’d somehow accumulated over the years.

Going from having that everyday, even at their worst points, to not having it at all?

Not something Alexei is looking to repeat anytime soon.

( He has a fleeting thought for that antique ring he discovered in a little store just off the beach, back when they were dating; before he’d imploded the two of them by pushing her before she was ready. He remembers staring at it --- it was just a little thing, small and simple and made, possibly years and years ago. It had a simple gold band with various sea-coloured gems clustered together, --- a homage to her homeland and his sense of tradition. That fleeting thought of a ring and a dress and a gathering sends something coursing through his system. Longing, maybe, or possibly even inevitability. Alexei can’t be sure what the feeling is, all he knows is that one day, sooner rather than later, he’s got to make a trip back to that little store and buy it. )

Shaking himself from his thoughts, Alexei swung an arm around Val’s shoulders, pulling her close and tucking her into his side. “Mmm, maybe.” One shoulder raised and dropped in a shrug. “Never been one for clubs though. Side product of the whole, missed childhood.” --- not something he regrets or longs for either. It wasn’t his path to walk, he wasn’t meant for long nights out and parties and clubs and excessive amounts of alcohol. Sure, he dabbled in various vices, but none to the extents of which other teenagers probably had. He had training and skills to learn and exit strategies to memories in case of Strigoi attacks. “Oh you haven’t missed much in terms of me. Could probably summarise it all in a handful of sentences.” Alexei snorted, his fingertips idly playing with the ends of Val’s hair, before he glanced curiously down at her. “You, I’m assuming?” He snorted, a distinct lightness in his eyes that’s been missing for the past however many weeks. “Luca’s girl finally pop out those kids?”

[ferrisbueller]

[hannasrivers]

Hanna and Caleb “Haleb” The DArkest Knight  Sneek Peek 07x10

[aseleznyovs-blog]

valeriavaltameri:

She’s known him long enough that she can tell when he doesn’t quite agree with something. It’s the subtle clench of his jaw, the slight drop of his shoulders that does it and it has her rethinking her answer, dissecting it. “That came out wrong.” Wetting her lips, she tilts her head to the side as she stares up at him. “You can ask, just don’t keep pushing if I say I’m not ready to talk yet. I’ll come around in time, just…trust me.” She doesn’t see why he wouldn’t. He at least knew everything about all her exes since they’ve been friends. He knew everything that happened when she was with Sam, was even the one whose house she’d turned up at with tears in her eyes after she had found out that he was a hunter. He was the whom she’d confided in when she was dating Leo and felt unattractive because they never wanted to have sex. She’d gave him her present easily, but her past was a little more difficult to dredge up.

Valeria’s brows raise, her grin slipping into a smirk of disbelief. “Oh really? Because I’m pretty sure I flirted with you every time we were single at the same time over the last few years and you never even noticed.” She pointed out, stroking her finger along his jaw, with a smile as she tilted her chin up to make her nose meet his own. “I just wanted to hear you say it, le petit ami.” Her french comes out easily, thick in an accent she had perfected long ago. She doesn’t know when she started calling him pet names in other languages, but she was certain it had something to do with the fact that he did the same to her in one of the languages she had never bothered to learn. 

She hums happily, content in his arms and the feel of his hand in her hair. She doesn’t really want to move, but the closet really was starting to smell a bit. “Yeah.” She whispers it, not really wanting to break the atmosphere they’re created. Valeria hugs him tighter for one last second before she steps away, picks up her bag and opens the door. “Wanna come back to my place? Or I can come to yours? Tomorrow’s Saturday, which means no early start for me.” Val tangles her fingers with his, smiling wide as she steps out of the closet ( literally this time ) and starts making her way out of the building. “Also means we can stay up a little later, unless you have work early?”

He thinks this is the moment --- the sign that this is it. They can’t afford to be stupid about this anymore, can’t afford to fuck around and mess around because this is it. This is their make or break moment. They screw this up and there’s no chance for them anymore. He’s cynical and bitter enough to think that, no matter how irrational the whole thing is.

( No matter how many times he’s proved that he’s willing to go to the ends of the Earth for this woman, if just to see her smile and if just to see her eyes light up. )

Alexei chortled good-naturedly and he reached a hand up, curling a peice of hair around her ear. “Yeah, well.” He shrugged, grinning unabashed and unashamed. “Always had a bit of a blindspot when it comes to you.” And he most likely always will, when he thinks about it. He once thought he’d spend his life with Milah, and he thought Milah was his weakness --- and while he doesn’t want her to die or anything and he cares about her... Val’s his weakness. It was Val that he never wanted to loose, it was Val he fought tooth and nail to protect and keep safe. It was Val. It would always be Val. ( There’s a part of him that hates he took so long to realise all of this --- how many years and moments and kisses and time spent did they waste, running from each other and seeing other people and genuinely denying that there was anything between them? But thinking of time wasted, when Alexei already has such a short lifespan compared to that of Val’s... it sends a dark, twisty feeling through him. He doesn’t want to waste anymore time, he doesn’t want to pretend that he’s happy when he’s sad.

--- and she’s always been the one thing that made him happy. )

“You can come to mine.” Alexei nodded slowly as they left the closet, hands intertwined and slightly swinging between them. He looks happy too, the expression on his face miles from the usual brooding and dark look he sports day in, day out. “I’m off all day Saturday, actually. Adrian’s planning to get me out of my funk by dragging me to Dragomir’s club on Friday night.” Alexei clenched his jaw, his heart still not quite recovered from the knowledge that Dimitri slept with Milah --- and even though he knows the reasons why Milah did such a thing... what she was working through and dealing with and that he’s happy and moved on now --- there’s a part of him that will never be okay with all of it. “He thinks it’s a secret plan but. ‘Bout as subtle as a sledgehammer that one.”

[valeriavaltameri]

She lets out a long sigh of relief at his apology and her lips pull into a half smile as she nods. Valeria had been so mad at him, had been so even up until this conversation despite the fact that how much she missed him easily outweighed her anger. “Thank you.”  She murmurs quietly. If it were anyone else, she may have stayed mad longer, might have stood her ground a little firmer on the fact that she had been wronged too, but with him she just…can’t.  She can’t stay stubborn and angry when she knows that he loves her, knows that he had only been concerned about her, knows how his mind works far too well. “Just…don’t ask me about her and press the subject, alright? There’s a reason why I don’t ask you about Milah, and it’s not just because I already know more than I’d like. It’s because I know that talking about a heartbreak when there are so many factors involved is painful and difficult, and talking about it is just like reliving the pain of it all over again. You’ll talk when you’re ready and if you wish to, and so will I.”

Her smile widens when he stars playing with her hair, her own fingers curling against his chest as she bunches the fabric of his shirt between her fingers just a little bit. The mention of Sam is slightly sobering. While they were on reasonable terms now and she had put most of it behind her, she still felt a little betrayed despite the fact that she had been lying, too. His touch grounded her again, brings her back to reality, makes her feel safe. “Listen, your brooding ass could have gotten a lot of girls if you weren’t so oblivious to flirting.” She pointed out in a teasing tone, mouth pulled wide by her smile. Her body reacts to his lips on her skin, and fuck, she’s swooning. It feels like coming home after being away for so long and she can’t believe they waited so long to do this. “Does this mean I get to call you my boyfriend again?” Valeria stares up at him adoringly, in wait of an answer despite the fact that she knows it already.

Without pause, her arms slide up and around his shoulders and she steps forward until she’s pressed against him in a tight hug. Half the reason she wore heels was because she was so damn short and they at least make her five inches taller and gives her the ability to rest her chin on top of his shoulders. Val revels being close to him for a moment or two before finally replying seriously. “Right. It’s you and me.” She turns her head so she can press a kiss to his cheek, content for the first time in months.

[aseleznyovs-blog]

There’s a part of him that wants to disagree with her; wants to push to know what it is. Because he told her everything about Milah, even the most brutal and horrible parts that still leave him with nightmares and... and she knows him; knows him in a way that makes him so very vulnerable in a way that he’s never been with anyone else. He can’t handle that, nearly can’t. She knows how to hurt him in a way that could very well destroy him, with no way to truly be put back together. But right he’s fairly sure that his desire to know every little detail about what Sienna did to her is just his issues talking --- that if he’s going to be vulnerable, she has to be as well and that. --- that doesn’t feel right to him. “Okay.” He says, nodding slightly. It’s easy to promise her anything of course, ( anything but more time than the 30 years he has left on his life. )

A snort of laughter falls from his lips. “No, I wouldn’t have because those girls bore me.” He levelled her with a look. “And for the record, I do know when people are flirting, Valeria, I’m not an idiot --- I just choose not to react because 90% of the time I’m not interested in them.” A grin quirks at the edges of his lips and he reaches forward, softly nuzzling his nose against her own. “What a stupid question, Iubirea mea.” The Romanian words fall of his tounge easily and the happiness on his face isn’t so holds barred as it would have been previously. Maybe that’s a thing with him now; maybe he’s not going to hold himself back anymore now that he’s got something to live for again. ( He’s not stupid enough to think that his life got a lot bleaker when she wasn’t around and that a lot of his life lost meaning without her. )

Alexei doesn’t hesitate in returning the hug, wrapping his arms around her waist and hold to her him. One hand comes up, tangling in her hair and revelling in the feel of her just being close. It’s the first true show of emotion since their break-up --- emotion that is steeped in love and affection and not animosity and vitriol. “You and me.” It’s a promise and an I love you all wrapped up in one. “Can we get out of this dingy closet now?”

[valeriavaltameri]

She nods her head, and she understands exactly what he is feeling. She faces a similar dilemma that she’s been dealing with far longer. “I know what you mean. If I were to have a child and it was a mermaid like me, they would live forever. I don’t want them resenting their immortality and wishing they could die like I do. Immortality may be a gift, but it’s also a heavy burden.” She licks her lips, arms folding across her chest. “If I had a mortal child…I’d have to watch them die at some point. I’ve watched so many of my loved ones die, but I don’t think I could take it if it was my own child.” It’s why the only time she had carried out a pregnancy, she had given the child away. She wasn’t strong enough to deal with that kind of future then, and she still isn’t now. 

Val returns his gaze, just as serious as he is and she shakes her head, shoulders rising and falling in a small shrug. “I don’t care about that. If mortality mattered to me, I wouldn’t have married five humans.” It had hurt like hell sometimes, being with them. Wishing she could grow old with them rather than watch them grow old and eventually having to put them in the ground. “A moment with you is worth a thousand years to me. Much as I’d like to spend eternity with you, any time we do get is worth it to me. And honestly, I can’t imagine spending my time with anyone else when you’re right here.” She tells him with absolute certainty. It sounds ridiculous considering she’s been alive for two thousand years, but she is quite certain that she’s never loved anyone the way she does him. She’s fallen in love and had her heart broken a hundred times, but she’s never connected with anyone the way she did with Alexei.

A feeling of hope spreads through her despite his words, because for a while she wasn’t really sure what was going to happen. If they were going to move past this, if they were going to have the future she hoped for. Now though, she fees like they can. “I know.” It’s not going to be easy. There’s a lot of her past that she doesn’t like to think or talk about, either because it hurts too much or her pride won’t allow it. But for him, she’ll do her best, will push all that aside in order to make this work. “And that applies to both of us. No more secrets. No running. No getting scared.” It was both a statement and a promise. “I want this to work.” She almost lets out her life, but she can’t repress her smile as she shakes her head. “No, I don’t mean it like that. I don’t have to ask to know whether or not you want to fuck me still. I mean if you still want to be with me.” Her arms unfold and her hands raise to rest on his chest and her chin lifts. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to be with you. Even if that means dredging up the worst parts of my past that I’d rather forget. I’ll do it for you.”

[aseleznyovs-blog]

Maybe that’s why he was running those first few times; it was hard, to swallow that bitter pill that she;d grow old and he wouldn’t and this would be his legacy. But legacy --- what is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see and the legacy he is leaving behind for his descendants, through his siblings children? A man who was good at killing, far too good and who had nothing to show for his life outside of 5 tattoos on his neck... that. That is not what he wants; he would rather be known as a man who had the courage to do what was right, even though he knew it to be wrong, as a man who loved a woman that would outlive him by centuries yet still experienced love in purest form.

That --- that is the legacy he wants. That is the legacy he will fight to leave behind; even if it means breaking down walls, walls he carefully built to survive years of training and close calls and the loss of his friends. Walls he should have known would come tumbling down the minute she told him she loved him.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to expose every part of yourself for me.” He shook his head, brow furrowing at both the prospect and the fact he’s saying such a thing. “Or because of me. In hindsight, it was fairly hypocritical of me to ask that of you when I still had and have trouble about talking about Milah.” He glances away for a moment, wondering about the lost love, who too will outlive him. Is she happy, wherever she is? Does she mourn for the child they would have had, or has she moved on, content knowing that the chapter on their story has ended? He thinks he wants her to be happy, but there is a part of him that will always be bitter she lied to him, twice over, --- just like there is a part of him that will always be connected and tied to Val. He turned his gaze back to her. “But --- your past is your past. It’s yours. Demanding you let me into that before you're ready or even if you don’t want too... I shouldn’t have done that. And I’m sorry to have hurt you like that.”

One of his hands comes up, curling a peice of hair of around her ear, the look on his face one of pure and simple adoration. “Then you should know --- you don’t have to ask me to know whether I still want to be with you. I wanted that for 3 years; when you were with that damn... hunter, and when I was running, for the first time and --- and I still want it today.” A part of me will always want it, he doesn’t say, because that, that sounds too much like forever and he can’t promise her that. It’s what chafes at him the most; that anything within his power to give to the woman in his arms, he will give it to her, but... mortality, immortality, a quest for growing old: that he cannot give her. His chin ducks slightly so he can look her in the eyes. “It’s not everyday you’ll find a girl willing to put up with my brooding ass.” He grins, rapid fire before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. “We’re gonna be fine. Forever within the numbered days. Right?”

[valeriavaltameri]

She shuts her eyes momentarily, head tilting down and a disappointed smile on her face as she shakes her head. “You still left, Alex. And it wasn’t like you took a couple of weeks to gain some perspective, it was months.” When it all happened, she had felt too much guilt to be hurt by his actions.  After some time of being away, she became too desperate to have him back in her life again to actually be mad and hurt by the action. But she’s spent centuries watching people she loved walk out of her life. First her family, then Sienna, now Alex for the second time. She can’t and won’t say any more on the subject, because in reality the situation she fears doesn’t exist anymore. They’re not together, and she needs to stop picturing some future situation ten years from now where she fucks up and he leaves again when they don’t even have a present.

Looking at him hurt. After baring her soul, looking into his eyes and spilling all the awful details of her heartbreak, it hurt to look at him. She felt like someone had taken her heart from her chest, rubbed it raw with sandpaper, before shoving it back in the wrong spot. At the same time, it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, like the air had been cleared between them and she can breathe properly for the first time since Sienna came to town. Valeria hasn’t been fine for months, but right now it’s the closest she’s felt to it in a long time. Honesty usually comes so naturally for her. The truth is able to spill from her lips with ease, especially around him or her siblings. But when it came to talking about things that hurt she was not quite as forthcoming, often found it hard to set her pain aside and let it be known instead. Her confession left her feeling raw and weak, but she was glad to finally have that obstacle out of the way.

Valeria inhaled sharply at his words, eyes widening and mouth agape. Pregnant. Milah. Unconsciously, her own hand drifted to rest on her stomach and she tore her eyes from his to look at the wall instead. A plethora of emotions overcome her, though shock, jealousy and sympathy are the most prominent. “That’s awful. I’m so sorry, Alex.” Her words fall quietly from her lips and she really doesn’t know how to respond to news like that. With the knowledge that the child was going to  die no matter what happened, she had no good answer for him. Val hardly has time to process that news however, when he is confessing more about Milah. How she’d asked him to run away with her, as if they could start anew and his response takes her breath away. 

“It seems as though we were both keeping a couple of secrets.” She’s a little sad, wary, but most of all she’s just overwhelmed. As a child, she would always used to fidget until her mother had given her such a hard time for it that she finally stopped. Now though, she can’t seem to stop moving. “I’m sorry I’ve been so…mean. Especially during meetings, it was petty.’ She pushes off the desk again, walking a little closer as she wrings her hands together. “I can’t give you any of that, you know? Kids and a fresh start in a new town. Even if I could have kids naturally, I don’t want them and that’s not going to change.” She’s told him this before, but it was harmless information back when they were just friends. Everything is different now. ‘And I have responsibilities, too. I have a kingdom that I’m always going to have to put before you and before myself. I have a lot of history and baggage that you may not ever know the full extent of either, because explaining every detail of my very long life would take a long time. I can’t say that I’ll stop being stubborn either, but…I do love you. I do want to be with you. Even though you can get me so frustrated at times that I half want to drown you… I miss you.“ She’s unconsciously drifted closer to him as she spoke. “I miss coming home to you every day. I miss us.” Val’s tongue darts out to wet her lips. “So if you still want me, I’m right here.”

[aseleznyovs-blog]

The mistakes between them create a chasm, the space continuously filling up with all of the things they don’t say to each other; can’t say to each other. It chokes at him, chafes against everything he’s ever known. He’s supposed to keep it together and locked down; not letting any of it get to him. But it is. It is getting to him because this is just some shitty situation with his siblings or his superiors or his Moroi where he can just focus on work --- Val is too big a part of his life to just ignore it and espeically... especially when he’s this close to giving up his whole life for her. Because of her.

“I don’t --- I don’t know if kids is something I want.” Alexei exhaled roughly, eyes darting away from Val. “In the program, having kids is supposed to be about furthering the dhampirs and making more guardians and --- I don’t want that for any of my children, if I had them.” It’s something he’s barely been able to admit to himself in the past, but here in this tiny little closet, staring across at the woman who just might in fact be the love of his life... it seems easier to admit. Like he can truly be himself around her, like he doesn’t have to worry about the walls he’s spent years building. And he knows, of course, that it’s Val and that shouldn’t really matter because she was his best friend long before his lover, but... it’s different now.

They’re different.

His lips pressed together and he inhaled once, twice, before exhaling and glancing back at Val. His eyes locked onto hers, dead serious and powering through the rising “And I --- I can’t give you a million years together. I’m not immortal. I’m not going to stay this way forever.” His voice hitches. “I’m gonna get older and my body is gonna break down --- as much as I don’t want it too, that’s... that’s gonna happen.” It’s something he’s had to come to terms with a hundred times before --- each time a Strigoi got too close, each time he saw someone he knew turned, each time he sat on the damn stool and felt a tattoo needle press into the skin on his neck. It’s now that his hand came up and rubbed across the ink, acutely aware of how he could die tomorrow and she’d live another hundred, thousand years into the future.

A bitter laugh fell from his lips. “We --- we can’t keep doing this, V.” A bitter laugh falls from his lips. “We can’t keep fighting like this and running away and keeping secrets that are gonna destroy us. Cause eventually, it will destroy us. And then we really won’t have another chance.” Because he won’t be able to come back this time round, he won’t be able to get over his pride and swallow the bitter pill that is moving past his own issues. But when Alexei thinks about it... loving her, loving her is nearly worth all of it. Not nearly, even; it is worth it. She’s the love of his damn mortal life, and loving her is simple, despite all the odds. “Wanting --- wanting you has never been the problem, V. Sex, desire, that’s not the issue with us... I’ll always want you but. Wanting you isn’t the only thing to us. There’s more to us, more to deal with. If... --- if we do this again, we actually have to work at it. Really work at it. No more secrets. No more running away when it gets tough.” He inhales. "If you can do that... agree to that. Maybe we can work on this."

[alina-starksov]

Why is he so amused by the fact that I wear socks?!             - Several pairs at once.

[valeriavaltameri]

She wants to argue the point that she was the one he was supposed to be able to share his feelings with, but the words die in her throat because that would only be hypocritical of her to say when she was the one who had been unwilling to open up. Instead, she bites her tongue and wonders when she got so bad when it came to reading him. The months apart have been changing for the both of them, for the relationship and it feels like the time when he had been mad with her about Milah all over again but much worse. “I told you that I hadn’t truly realized what my visions meant, they’re not always clear. I just…couldn’t piece it all together so I didn’t say anything about them. Nonetheless, when things got hard between us, you didn’t try to fix it. You just got hurt and walked away.” It’s something that’s always bothered her, something that she has never voiced. It’s a fear she has, one that was born the day Sienna walked out of her life that doesn’t like to acknowledge. “And I’m tired of people just walking out on me when it gets hard.” Her breath catches in her throat as he continues to speak and it hurts, that he feels that way when it was far from her intentions to ever hurt him like this. Valeria can hear her heartbeat pounding in her ears, more rapid in pace than usual as he talks about her  like she’s the love of his life and it breaks her heart and strengthens it all the same.

Glancing up at him one last time, she turns and walks away, paces over to where the table is before facing him again before sitting on the edge of it because she can’t have this conversation so close to him, nor does she think she can do it standing up. “Part of why I couldn’t was because I didn’t even have the full truth until she finally told me a few weeks back.” She fiddles with her hands nervously, eyes on his before they drop the the ground. “I haven’t had a lasting relationship since her, you know? None of them have lasted more than a couple of years or so. I didn’t even date anyone properly for three hundred years after her.” Val’s voice gets soft, eyes on the floor still as she wrapped her arms around her waist and dug her nails into her skin as if it would hurt more than the truth. She’s never had to tell this story before. All her family was there, all her friends were either there or were born long after Sienna had left. “Can you imagine loving someone enough to be with them for 150 years? Because that’s how long I was married to Sienna. And we were really happy, blissfully so.” Biting her lip, she shook her head. “Then when we moved to Oak Pines and I became the queen of A’quatika and a council member, and things got strained. She took solace in a man who’s the father of the kid in my class. They didn’t actually fuck while she and I were together, but I think it would have been easier if they had. The fact that she confided in him when it should have been me was worse. One day we fought and the next she was gone. I expected her to come back, but she didn’t. I expected the truth from her and I didn’t get it until a few weeks ago.” It still hurts despite how much she wish it didn’t, and there are tears in her eyes by the time she’s done. “She really fucked me up and it shouldn’t still hurt, but it does.”

[aseleznyovs-blog]

Alexei shook his head, a heavy frown marring his normally handsome features. “I didn’t just walk out because it got hard, Valeria, I walked out because it was two people I cared about more than anyone else in this world - two people who didn’t tell me what was going on.” He leaned heavily against the door, and his usually bright eyes, - eyes that usually exposed every one of his feelings, were subdued, tired almost. “Milah knew she was sick, and she didn’t say anything. You knew something was going to happen, and you didn’t stay anything. So yeah, I walked out, but it was because I was mad, and hurt, not because things were too hard to deal with.” A bitter scoff left his lips, but it isn’t at Val, more at his own naivety, more at the fact that when he walked out - the first time, his mind whispers - he believed in shutting himself off, believed once again in they come first. Course that’s changed now, but. He hates that for the longest time he believed that the Moroi were better, more worthy than his own happiness and feelings and contentment.

He quiets a moment later, letting the words falling from her mouth wash over him. All he’d wanted the last few months was for her to be honest with him - open up the parts of herself she’d locked away years ago. But now that he has it, Alexei isn’t quite sure what to think. Sienna, he thinks, probably deserves to be taken out back and shot for what she did, for hurting someone so bad they didn’t even open up to anyone for years and years after the face - but, Alexei muses, she was just following her heart; just thinking of herself before others. He could understand that, in a way - following her heart, putting herself first. His eyes glance back at Val, and he’s silent, not quite sure what to say. His tongue darted out to lick his bottom lip, and Alexei sighs heavily.

“Milah - she was. She was pregnant, when she died.” Why Alexei is saying this now, he has no idea - but if Val can give up parts of herself she had locked away, he could do the same. “Her doctor said that with her heart condition, there wasn’t a good chance she’d survive the pregnancy, let alone a stressful labour. So she’d made an appointment, the day she... she died.”

And while Alexei fully supported Milah’s right to choose, believed she knew her body better than his own, but... he still wanted to be kept in the loop, or at least be able to support her or do something. He felt powerless, learning what he did before Milah left. Powerless and without control over his own future, his own destiny - a similar feeling he had when he killed his first Strigoi, and sat in that stupid stool and got those marks. Powerless. He shrugged weakly, glancing away and his normally still fingertips begin to fidget. “In the spirit of full disclosure, she uh. She asked me to leave with her, before she well, left. Said we could start over or something along those lines, but. I don’t know. I couldn’t do it. I don’t know if it was because she’d kept things from me twice, or if it was because I knew that I’d fallen out of love with her... but... I couldn’t do it.” He looked back at Val. “I’d like to say I couldn’t do it because of my sisters, or because of my duty to my people, and my birth right or anything along those lines, but... it’s because of you. You. Even when you drive me nuts, and keep secrets and have visions and even because your meddling siblings who, frankly, need to understand the concept of keeping their noses out of other people’s relationships..” Alexei rolled his eyes. “Even with all that, even when things between us are so fucked up... you’re where I wanna be.”

[valeriavaltameri]

She keeps her eyes on his despite the fact that she’s had the urge to look away from him since the moment he opened his mouth. But there’s always been something about him that drew her in, made her unable to look away. The more he tells her, the more her fire begins to leave her - fire that was honestly directed more at herself than it was at him, and she knows it isn’t fair that she’s acting as if it is. “I never said you’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, nor do I regret us.” Her voice comes out even, calmer than it was mere moments again, because she’s only feeling emptier by the moment and her arms tighten around herself. “You want me to be honest with you? Fine.” She mutter, tone cold and her eyes briefly flicker to the floor before she loos back at him again. “I don’t know what to do around you any more. And I don’t know how the hell you seem to be so fine about this whole thing when I feel like I’m falling apart.” Her voice cracks on the last word and she bites her tongue, sharp fingernails digging into her waist. She’s hardly spoken to anyone about Alexei since they broke up, but now she can’t seem to stop herself from saying all the things she’s been thinking. “I am so angry that all the times that I’ve fucked up, you’ve walked away. When I messed up with seeing Milah’s death, you left. When I wasn’t willing to share something with you yet, you left. It makes me wonder how much you really wanted us to work, or if you were so convinced that you couldn’t be happy that you just ran.” Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, she sucks in a deep breath and it’s relieving to tell him all the things she’s been worried about even though it all feels wrong. “And if you want me to be really honest…I don’t know how to let you go.”

[aseleznyovs-blog]

“Fine?” Alexei repeated. “You think I’m fine? Jesus Christ, Valeria, I’m not - I’m not fine. being without you is literally ripping me to shreds.” He scoffed bitterly, the words tasting black and dark and disgusting in his mouth. “I’m just good at hiding it, because I have to. I have to hide all and any of my emotions because I’m not supposed to have them. They come first, remember? Not me. So, okay, fine, while it might look I am... I’m anything but fine.” It’s the first time he’d admitted he wasn’t fine, both outloud and too himself. Maybe that was more of progress than anything else ever had been since their break-up. “My walking away wasn’t because of you, or anything you did. Sure, I was mad, but.” Alexei shook his head, and tore his gaze away from Valeria. “When Milah died, I was... I was mad at her, because she said she loved me, and she couldn’t, wouldn’t tell me the truth about her condition. I know now that she was just afraid, and scared and about a million other things, but. At the time? I was mad. And then you, you know - you said you loved me too, as my best friend, yet you kept her eventual death from me too.” One shoulder raised and dropped. “That was two people I loved keeping secrets from me.” He pursed his lips, turning the words over in his head. “And then... than you know, we get together and it’s great. It’s the happiest I’ve ever been, but. You won’t, can’t tell me the truth about your ex, when you already know the sordid secrets of all my exes. Granted there aren’t that many of them, but.” He looked back at Valeria, that careful mask back in place over his face. Maybe the mask was there because he was laying his cards on the table, finally, or maybe it was just there because that’s the only way Alexei really knew how to survive these days. “It felt like we were back to sqaure one, that you were back to keeping secrets, and I didn’t know why, and I was mad - and frustrated, because I thought we’d established that I was more than that, that the both of us knew that secrets nearly destroyed us the first time around, so we would avoid this time around.” Alexei paused, and pressed his lips together. “I’ve always known I could be happy with you, Valeria - hell. Sometimes you’re the only person who truly makes me happy. Which, yeah, that’s scary, but it’s... it’s also incredibly freeing, in it’s own way. That I don’t have to slave through any more relationships, because I’ve already found the one who’s going to matter above all else, no matter what. Who’s pretty much number one in my heart, for the rest of my life.” Maybe he’s saying too much at this point, but Alexei can’t stop the words, even if he tried. “So when you talk about not knowing how to let someone go - yeah. I get that.”

[valeriavaltameri]

A scoff breaks past her lips as he speaks. He lost the right to demand knowledge of what was going on with her the moment they broke up and yet, she finds herself wanting to tell him everything despite that fact. He chin tilts upwards and she hates the fact that he’s right, that he probably does know her better than she knows herself. She’s told him everything she recalls about her life, except for the one section that she isn’t willing to talk about just yet, the one she just can’t bring herself to break her silence on. “I don’t know what makes you think you have the right to demand anything of me anymore. You’re not my boyfriend. You’re not even my friend.” It breaks her heart all over again to say it despite the fact that the words come out harsh. She crosses her arms under her breasts, maintaining eye contact with him as she walks closer until there’s only a couple of feet between them. Val hates the way that despite everything, he can make her weak. Turn her world upside and make her so enraged like this. She’s a queen, strong enough to sentence a man to death when she has to, strong enough to hold a kingdom for centuries, but in front of him she just feels cold. “I know you don’t have much experience, but generally when people have a bad break up, they don’t play nice. I don’t know what you expected of me.” 

[aseleznyovs-blog]

It speaks volumes, Alexei thinks, that Val saying she isn’t her boyfriend, isn’t even her friends, that it doesn’t hurt as much as it did before. Maybe he was moving on, maybe he was growing up, maybe he was just finally letting Val go, or maybe it was some combination of the three, but. It doesn’t hurt. Not as much as it did before, and Alexei thinks, that’s the crux of the issue. Because if it doesn’t hurt anymore, it means enough time has passed that... that they’re a memory now. They aren’t a reality. He shakes his head, half a bitter scoff leaving his mouth before his usually warm eyes, now coated in a layer of icy cold steel, lock with her own. “I expect you to be honest with me.” And just like that, once Alexei starts speaking, the words can’t seem to be stopped. “You were my friend, my best friend, long before you were my girlfriend.” He shook his head. “And maybe it’s naive of me, but I’d hoped that you’d still be able to be honest with me - be able to actually talk to me, despite how angry or hostile you are, because that was something I thought we’d always have, no matter what happened between us. So, if you yelling at me, snapping at me, telling me I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to you and you regret what we did - fine. You do that.” The Dhampir inhales and exhales. “But don’t do it in there,” He vaguely gestured over his shoulder to the previous room they were in. “When we need to be two other people. Because who we are to each other, and who we are our to that council, they’re two very different people. And I know you know that.”

[50shades-of-you-and-i]

I punched a wall. And then I punched it a few more times. It was the first time I felt anything all day.

(via 50shades-of-you-and-i)