Been wrecking my brain trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why I do the things I do.
I have a lot of compulsions. My worst one, I think, is weight loss.
Maybe it’s the need for control (cliché). I can hardly control my environment and my general health (AuDHD), but I CAN control the shape of my body.
Feeling superior and powerful. I never feel like I get the validation I want. I have achievements, but people largely don’t care. And I have to bring them up, which doesn’t happen organically. Being a specific size is immediate visible. And is “hard” to do (or rather, most people don’t do it because it’s absolutely idiotic).
All these are valid, but I’ve had another thought.
All my life, people have been telling me I’m not struggling enough.
Before I was diagnosed, it was “your brother is disabled, you have it so good compared to him”. “You don’t need as much attention.” “You’re so autonomous for your age.”
When my weight obsession started 12 years ago, it was “you have to be careful, otherwise you might develop an eating disorder” by friends and family. When talking to professionals, it was “you are just histrionic. You should see what a REAL eating disorder looks like. If you had one, you would x, y and z.”
When I had a mental breakdown and was suicidal, it was “but you’re not actually suicidal, because you told and didn’t attempt. Those who talk about it never do it.” (Nurses in the psych ward.) “Histrionic personality disorder. Cries publicly for attention.” (Psychiatrist in the hospital report.) I was released after two months. Later I learned that the doctors wanted me to leave earlier because I was “totally fine”, but my parents insisted on more supervision and care.
When I was diagnosed AuDHD, it was “but you’re high functioning. You can live a normal life. You’re not REALLY struggling. You have a mild version. Oh, but you’re not AUTISTIC autistic though.” “You have ADD, not ADHD. ADHD people have a lot more problems.” And so on. Continuing on to the present. Especially in healthcare. The focus is never on improving my life, but on how good I have it.
I’ve had health struggles for many years. Dizziness, chronic fatigue, cold, autonomic dysregulation. No matter what doctor I go to, they always say I’m perfectly healthy and tell me it’s a different specialty. Everyone points to someone different.
I think I’m just jaded. I get taken seriously way more these days, but I have become blind to it now. I still see an enemy in every mental health professional. These days, they tell me to not lose more weight. They are probably concerned, but all I’m hearing is “you’re not really that bad right now”, “you’re nothing to worry about”. And then I want to prove to them that I AM. I am worthy of being taken seriously. I am worthy of a medical professional looking at me, frowning, saying “she needs help RIGHT NOW”. I am worthy of my health being recognized as bad enough, as horrible as I feel inside, and not as “you have it so good compared to others in your category”.
And that’s why I believe achieving lower and lower numbers fills me with euphoria. I’m still not done “proving it to them”. And my fear is that I don’t think I’ll ever be done.
Started with just warnings.
Then the impacts began. Almost not getting an archery license because of my weight.
My psychiatrist saying my medication might no longer work and she can’t prescribe more.
My therapist comparing me to anorexia patients.
But it’s still not enough. It will never be enough. If I knew what it is that little me wants from all this, I would give it to her, but I just don’t know.
I just want to want to stop.
