Diurnalis

confessions

[asharedjournal]

Toyohashi, April 14, 2019

Past 20

A guy in a black one-third sleeve T-shirt and a pair of navy jeans stood across the ticket station. He was leaning on the wall while staring at his phone. I walked to a white round pillar accross him, trying to hide myself but he saw me before I did. He gave a me quick smile and waved at me before started walking towards me. I could feel my heart started beating weirdly.

"Hey, how are you? How's your trip?" He asked after we shook hands. There was a moment when I felt like he was going to hug me and so did I but it ended up with am awkward handshake. I wasn't the only one who was feeling nervous, I guess.

T

[myintention-s]

Someone who has been emotionally abused will:

• Constantly apologize • Hide their feelings in fear of upsetting you • Break down during small disagreements thinking it will explode • Need a lot of reassurance Please be patient, we are trying.

[asharedjournal]

I cannot deny it sounds like me

[asharedjournal]

For Your Sake

Smile

Just for yourself

When you are alone

Not for sake of other's appetite

Or because it's appropriate

Smile

Just for your reflection in the mirror

When no one can see

For the sake of telling you that you are pretty

Not for hiding the obvious anxiety

Smile

Just for the possibility

That something beautiful is waiting

Because that is the first easy step

To appreciate yourself

[allleyezzonme]

You know what strength is? Forgiving a person who wasn’t even sorry.

[asharedjournal]

Then I must be the weakest

[asharedjournal]

Hello

Hello yesterday

These days I learn how to live without your presence

But the pain remains

As you gave me a scar that can never be erased

Alas

I can say hello to you with no tears

It's still my baby step but I know

I will be able to walk with a smile again

Someday

So

Hello, yesterday

[asharedjournal]

Lost

I dont know what to do anymore

Now somebody has mentioned it, I really am just burdening people around me..

He said I sould've thinking about others and all, that when I decide to do something, the others will be affected, that I should make wiser choice..

I could not tell them that I tried.. Since I knew I dont know how to make a wise choice, I kept asking people around..

But that night.. I just wanted to end it all..

I didn't intend to survive

I didn't intend for anyone to stay with me here in the hospital

I am lost...

And I just wanna go home...

Away from everyone

[asharedjournal]

Kenyataan

Aku benar benar sudah dicampakkan

[asharedjournal]

Difficult death

I gave up on living last night

Drinking paracetamol every 5 minutes since 10:08. I finished 17 or 18 of them I am not sure.

I was woken up by the nausea at 3 am, vomitted what it seemed like everything in my stomach, which was nothing. Only liquid.

I felt so dizzy and it was hard to breath. The nausea was killing me, I decided to sleep again, hoping that I could.

Around 5:30 in the morning my senior rushed into the room. I kept vomitting, he kept make me drink water and eat choco pie. Then my friends came.

I ended up in a hospital now.

I keep thinking, why is it so difficult to die?

[asharedjournal]

Broken promise

God.. I am so tired of endless night of tears I keep having.

I try so hard to be strong, to look strong, to sound strong.

I try so hard to value me, to be grateful for what I have, to think about my family.

But when I laugh I don't feel happiness, when I think I am sad, I don't feel sadness, when I say I feel touched, I just try to convince my mind that I do.

The only thing that still feels real is the tears I shed every night I am going to sleep.

God, I am tired of waiting when this new habit is gonna end.

I remember the promise I made to the person I love to not harm myself. But he, himself, broke his words and walked away just like that, just like I am nothing to him.

In a matter of days he is fine while I am still counting how long until I can feel a thing but pain at night.

God, I want to give up... I can't keep that promise. It's too much for me for I have become such a weak hearted one.

I am not as strong as I was before. I forgot how I even was. I can't be the me I used to be.

The least painful death... I keep thinking about it.

[asharedjournal]

Every week I meet street children who dream to have rice everyday on their tables.

Every once in awhile I meet blind students who dream to have my sight.

Every day I saw little beggars who don't even know that they can dream for better life.

And everytime I can, I do things in my capability to help them, to befriend them.

It was fulfilling once.

but now it is not.

People keep telling me to be grateful.

But I keep feeling nothing. Not that I intend to not feel grateful. I want to feel grateful like everyone tells me to. I am trying to look for gratefulness through things I do.

But thoughts of ending it all keeps haunting me. There is something inside my head wishpering to me an easy way to end everything.

I am lost, my purpose of life I can't see it anymore. To stay alive with no reason isn't it not better than ending it?

Those wishpers keep getting louder and tempting the more I try to stand on the ground, the more I try to say and think I am okay, the more I let out laughter I can't feel.

Please save me.

[asharedjournal]

Lessons

He was oblivious,

I taught him to be aware of feelings

He was falling on his knees,

I taught him to keep standing even if it's killing

He was lost,

I taught him to take paths in front of him just to try it out

He was giving up,

I taught him to cry in my arms and let it all out

Now he's walked away,

He teaches me back everything I taught him in the most painful way.

[asharedjournal]

September

"The time stopped in September," he said quitely, secretly. As if he didn't want anyone to hear.

But I did.

"Why September? Wasn't it the time you met her?"

But it didn't sting anymore. These thoughts and question I never will get the answer don't kill me anymore.

It just left me with neausea, thinking how fake your words were since then, thinking how lies were all of them, thinking every touches were not meant for me.

But it didn't pain me anymore.

It just left me even number, colder.

And then I just laughed at it, cursing you with all my heart, even more.

[asharedjournal]

A dead girl

"The girl you fell in love with is dead. You killed her,"

"I didn't,"

"Yes, you did. You took her body and soul and threw them into the fire. She was screaming in agony yet you just walked away like they were nothing,"

"No, I didn't. She was dead long before I did that,"

"She wasn't,"

"She was, when she decided to love me."

[asharedjournal]

Every night they keep haunting me. Ghosts from the past, not long ago. Grabbing my arms and dragging my feet.

“You can’t escape,” the voice I used to love is keeping me bleeding instead.

"I know,” I said. I have no strength left to runaway so I let them take me to that dark place.

The place where you live forever, but you don’t. The place where love dies and whishes become rotten.

“I know. I’ll stay here,” I said as I shut every opened doors so the light won’t come in. So I don’t need to feel the warmth nor the blaze ever again.

[asharedjournal]

Hi, there

I miss you

[asharedjournal]

You are

The flicker that keeps burning

The one thing I never stop wishing

[asharedjournal]

Time

There was time before you

When a girl had her innocence

Like a parade in the wilderness

Not bothered with the world's dissonance

There was time at you

When a girl had her bliss

Throwing everything in fire of desire and wish

Uncare for herself turning to ashes

There is time past you

When a girl goes astray

Dragging her fractured self day by day

Since the night you walked away