The dorm smells like cinnamon when Neil gets home. He shuts the door behind himâslowly, so as not to interrupt whatever music Andrewâs got playingâand sets his bag down on the couch.
âOh simple thing, where have you gone? Iâm getting old and I need something to rely on.â
Andrew is at the stove. Heâs mixing something, fork in one hand, bowl in the other. Thereâs flour on the counter along with a couple of open Pillsbury dough cans.
âSo tell me when youâre gonna let me in. Iâm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.â
Neil makes his way further into the living room. Andrew doesnât turn to look at him, but thereâs a tilt of the head, a shift in weight. A greetingâthough, hardly much of one.
Neil adores Andrew like thisâsleep-mussed and bandless, comfortable in the sanctity of his own space. Neilâs gaze catches on the rhythmic movements of his wrist, the luminous spill of white-gold light across the bridge of his nose.
Itâs moments like these that make Neil wonder what life could be like if they make it to thirty. Pajamas in the kitchen, coming home to each other. Snapshots of a future Neil would kill to make real.
Andrew looks over a shoulder. The wispy shadows of his eyelashes fall in brittle streaks across his cheekbones.
Maybe itâs already real.
âTry,â Andrew says, holding out the fork in his hand.
Neil crosses to the counter and lifts himself up onto it, avoiding the flour-patch. âWhat is it?â
Andrew fits into the space between Neilâs knees. He lifts the fork to Neilâs lips, and itâs too sweetâthe icingâbut Andrew will like it.
âYou made cinnamon rolls last week,â Neil observes.
Andrew puts the fork back into the bowl. âI wasnât aware there was a refractory period for baked goods.â
âRefractory period,â Neil wrinkles his nose.
Andrew turns back to the stove. Neil takes a moment to appreciate the bare backs of his legs, the strain of his Achilles tendons.
And perhaps there was a time when Neil didnât find him quite so captivating. Before all the promisesâthe secrets and cigarettes. Back when Neil saw the world in a categorical absence of color.
He doesnât know when things changed. If he had Andrewâs perfect memory, he might be able to pinpoint the exact momentâbut for now, the best Neil has got is that bus ride home his freshman year, when the sun turned Andrew golden for the first time.
The song changes. Neil feels a little senseless.
He says, âDance with me.â
Andrew adds more powdered sugar to the mix. âHit your head on the way home?â
âI want you to dance with me. Yes or no?â
Andrew sets the bowl down. He looks at Neil like heâs grown a third head.
âYou donât know how,â Andrew says.
âI donât know how.â
âLetâs make something up.â
Andrew blinks once, twice. Heâs a flickering breadth of candlelight, a myriad of cogs turning beneath bones and skin.
It takes a whole minute for him to extend a hand.
Neil allows himself to be pulled off the counter. He crosses his wrists behind Andrewâs neck, drawing him close enough to share breath. Andrewâs calloused hands find a home on the dip of Neilâs waist.
âBut someone, they could have warned you.â
Theyâre swaying. Itâs the best they can do for each other. Neil has never been to so much as a school dance, and he canât imagine that Andrew has, either.
âWhen things start splitting at the seams and now the whole thingâs tumbling down.â
Thereâs a spot of icing on Andrewâs chin. Neil wants to kiss it offâcould, very easilyâbut he doesnât, because then they would be kissing, and Neil canât bear to break this eye contact.
âItâs tumbling down, hard.â
âThereâs a zit on your nose,â Andrew tells him.
Neil raises an eyebrow. âItâs hardly the worst thing on my face.â
âYouâre right. Itâs that mouth.â
âOne of these days, I am going to staple it shut.â
âAnd anything to make you smile. You are the ever-living ghost of what once was.â
Neil drags his thumb over the skin of Andrewâs nape. He feels Andrew tighten his hold in response, a bracket that expands and contracts with every breach of Neilâs lungs.
He thinks he understands why people do this. Dancing isnât talking, isnât sex. Not the way theyâre doing things, at least. Itâs existing together without the give and take.
âI never want to hear you say that youâd be better off.â
The timer on the stove sounds. Andrew stops their swaying but permits the noise for a while, holding Neilâs gaze like something that might wriggle out of his grasp if he loosens it.
Then his hands disappear. He turns, shuts off the timer.
Neil mourns the loss of him.
âAnd no one is ever gonna love you more than I do.â
Andrew takes the cinnamon rolls out of the oven. He turns off the heat, and then heâs back, hands on Neilâs waist.
Thereâs a question in Andrewâs eyes. Neil nods, feels something earthly uncoil behind his ribs.
Andrew wraps his arms around Neilâs middle. He draws them close, chest to chest, and Neil gets to be there when Andrew goes golden all over again.
Andrew tucks his face into the hollow of Neilâs neck.
âNo oneâs ever gonna love you more than I do.â
âWhatâs this for?â Neil whispers.
Andrew says, âNothing.â
The thrilling conclusion!! All 6 parts posted over on Ao3 if youâre interested. Songs referenced in this part are âSomewhere Only We Knowâ by Keane and âNo Oneâs Gonna Love Youâ by Band of Horses.
Thank you all so much for the love and support on this series!! <333
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5