Ashlyn M. Skiles

Jacob's sibling modern RP blog/regular Harry Potter reblogs. Currently in my second year.

[taylorswift]

I’d be a fearless leader. I’d be an alpha type.

[tomsretales]

Day Twenty-Four

-A child calmly informed a fellow cashier, without prompting, “I love Shopkins.” When the cashier responded, the child simply said, “I’m six.” This ended the conversation.

-A woman asked if I had a bag large enough for her item and was very upset when I informed her that I did not. I was also very upset about this, but more because I would be unable to see her carry a six-foot floor lamp to her car in a plastic bag.

-As I was ringing up a guest, a woman approached me and tapped me on the shoulder. She informed me that she had a receipt, despite not having a bag, and left the store before I could respond. I do not know what she wanted me to do, but I appreciate being kept in the loop.

-One of the sweetest old women on the face of the earth struggled to remember her PIN. She repeatedly shouted out potential PINs hopefully, waiting for me to confirm if that was or was not correct. It wasn’t until her fourth try that she understood what I was saying, that she needed to try it on the reader and that I had no idea what her PIN was.

-A woman in her seventies purchased a single item: a hyperrealistic Yoda figurine. As she took the bag, she told me, “Just gotta have my Yoda.” I admire a woman of such simple tastes.

-The card readers, usually only the cause of moderate inconvenience to guests, led one woman to become very suspicious. “They ask too many questions for my taste,” she informed me. A woman who will not trust a card reader with her PIN is a woman who will never be taken for a chump.

-A child repeatedly asked for the pack of gum his mother was purchasing to be handed to him outside of the bag. Once I obliged him, he threw it directly into the bag with a satisfied look on his face. I hope the experience was all he had hoped it would be.

-I handed a small child a strip of three stickers. After a moment of shock, he asked, “Are all these for me?” I told him they were, which led to what was surely the most distress this four year old had ever experienced. I was confused until he told me, “I can’t have all of these, I don’t know which to put on first!” I informed him that he had all the time in the world to decide, as they were his to keep. His mother rolled him out of the store, but his look of sheer mesmerization never left.

-A woman asked me, certain that the answer would be positive, if we as a store used CVS cards. She was as confused to be told no as I was to have to answer this question.

-A small child of maybe eight years walked up to my counter, solemnly handed me a referral card to a small dental practice, and walked away without a word. I do not know if this was a hint about my hygiene or the location of a covert government rendezvous, but I will be attending this appointment either way.

[tomsretales]

Day Twenty-Three

-A young girl practiced her dolphin noises as she went through the lane. I can tell that she has devoted all four years of her life to perfect this, as her shrill whistles were absolutely impeccable. 

-I told a woman to have a good night. In most cases this would have seemed proper and polite. Unfortunately, it was 10:06 AM, so it was neither.

-A manager told me that for each guest who signed up for a Target card, he would put on a piece of clothing. I was worried that he meant that he would be starting at zero. Fortunately, he clarified that he meant a costume item from the Halloween aisle, starting with a shark costume. This is better, but I hope that the rules can be bent, as I have quickly become very partial to the idea of spending my shift in a shark costume.

-An old man walked through the front of the store. He was dressed head to toe in the pinnacle of punk chic. This would have been both intimidating and impressive, were it not for the fact that he had a baby blue mohawk that only spanned about three inches at the front of his scalp rather than a normal length. Realistically, this baby mohawk only served to earn my respect even more.

-A man came through and bought a mystery box with a collectible Garbage Pail Kids figurine inside. He returned ten minutes later to buy another one, saying, “Maybe this time I’ll get lucky.” This continued until he had bought four figurines. This is the most innocent brand of gambling that I have ever been an enabler of.

-I stuck my tongue out at a crying baby to make it laugh, as I am wont to do. The baby was overjoyed by this, and attempted to return the gesture. Unfortunately, he had not yet learned this valuable motor function. Instead he grabbed his tongue with his baby hand and pulled it out manually. I appreciate his effort with all of my heart and consider this to be the ultimate sign of respect.

-My register is stocked to the brim with spring, summer, and winter stickers, and yet, no autumn stickers are anywhere to be found. I feel that at this point I deserve to have a steady supply of seasonally-appropriate stickers, but here we are.

-An older woman informed me that “cell phones will be the end of all of us.” I only wish that she had been purchasing more than one item so I could have had the time to learn about more of her worldviews. 

-A woman had a brief moment of sheer terror as she looked at my face, but it immediately vanished and she returned to normal. I am filled with curiosity about what I did to warrant such a response, but I am unable to find a polite and professional way to ask, “What is it about my face that made you soil yourself on sight?”

-A group of gawky men, all wearing pants hiked up to nipple-level, walked through the checkout lanes. As one turned, I was able to see that one of them had a poorly-shaped dollar sign shaved into the back of his head. As I turned back, one of them walked up behind me and started shouting, making me think I was about to be attacked. I am not sure what impression these men were trying to give off, but to be fair, I am also not sure what impression I got from them. Ultimately, nipple-pants, designer shavings, and unwarranted shouting are lose-lose situations for everyone involved.

-A Target card was signed up for. The shark costume was donned. Nothing makes a job better than seeing your supervisor handle guest services dressed as a dangerous and sharp fish.

-I asked a man how he was doing. He gleefully replied, “Pretty good for a bald man!” At this point the fact that he was bald had completely evaded me, but I appreciated him being so up front about this, and I am glad that he manages to keep his spirits up to combat his hairline recedes.

-As the end of my shift draws close, I made the realization that not a single coupon had been printed. The only solution I can find is that the robots have finally had enough of being put to such menial tasks. I am grateful that my shift is over, as I do not have the emotional capacity to handle an uprising against mankind today.

[taylornation]

🦋 10 #VMAs Nominations 

🦋 10 years since her first VMAs performance 

AND GUESS WHAT! @taylorswift13 is performing at the @vmas! Make sure to tune into @MTV on August 26th to watch!

[taylornation]

Voting is…FUN! 💘 mtv.com/vma/vote 

Get in your votes today for Taylor in the #VMAS! Make sure to vote each day to maximize your voting!

[tomsretales]

Day Twenty-Two

-As a toddler exited the store, he turned around and shouted, “Thank you, come again!” Until today I came here for a paycheck, but from now on, I come here for you, my friend.

-A woman’s total came out to $20.16. She remarked, “wow, that’s a fantastic year!” I do not know what world she is living in, but it is definitely not 2016 there. 

-I was approached by the most lethargic and morose family I had ever seen. Each of them seemed to have simultaneously just gotten out of bed and been awake for fifty-three hours straight. I understand where they are coming from, but I am not quite sure why purchasing a single can of Febreze was worth such emotional exhaustion. 

-As I turn back to face the sad Addams family, I notice something out of the corner of my eye. The fifteen year-old son had walked around the counter and was swinging his fists right behind my head, pretending to punch me repeatedly. I had not been aware of this. This was not some strange kind of joke. He simply decided he wanted to imagine assaulting a part-time retail worker and that the best way to do so was to physically emulate it. He put his fists down and looked at me. He saw the confusion behind my eyes. I saw a void behind his. He put down his fists and backed away. I handed Mrs. Saddams the receipt and did not turn my back on this family until they were safely out of the store. 

-A woman seemed torn, faced with the decision of either a $10 gift card or $10 off of her purchase. She did not understand that she was receiving both. Once I was finally able to convey this to her, she shouted out in joy. I am grateful to have been the one to give her this good news. I am slightly less grateful to have had my ear near her when she received it. 

-I am brought a Twix frappuccino. Once again, my managers prove to be able to do things no human should be able to do behind the counter of a Starbucks.

-Today I learned that Cat Lady has recently overcome cancer. I learned this by watching her spot a guest in scrubs, hurriedly hobble towards him, and, with his back still turned to her, regale him with her entire medical history. I am deeply impressed with both Cat Lady’s wide knowledge regarding lymph nodes and Scrubs Man’s genuine compassion for this stranger’s well-being. 

-I met a woman who told me that her four year-old daughter’s legal name was Doom. This shows a great lack of faith in her moral compass, yet a great show of faith for the scale of her achievements in life.

-Noticing how differently people act at different ages has become my new favorite part of the job. A couple in their twenties had an exchange that included, “This is my card. This is my PIN. Your hand is going nowhere near me or this ice cream.” A couple in their fifties had a similar conversation, “You can either pay for this or sweep the floors. You have to choose this time.” 

-Today I was kept company by my new friend, a skeleton wiener dog. I love this dog with my life, but I question the research of the person who designed a dog skeleton with long rigid ear bones.

-While walking, I dropped a security device. In a desperate attempt to catch it before it hit the ground, I swung my hand downwards. I managed to catch the security device, but not without injuring a personal device which could have used more security. I am grateful for the years of my life I have spent pursuing a degree in theatre, as the level of acting required to not let on that my entire lower torso was burning with the flame of one thousand suns would have been nigh unattainable otherwise. 

-As a woman finished checking out at my register, she recognized another woman a few guests back in the same line. Without picking up her things or moving, they engaged in a loud conversation regarding funerals and death. They could not have been more excited to be having this discussion. Those between them could not have been more uncomfortable with it. 

-As my shift drew to an end, I realized that my hand was covered in glitter. To the best of my recollection, I had not touched any products with glitter at all during the day. I consider myself blessed and can clock out knowing I have been touched by the Goddess of Disco and Arts and Crafts.

[tomsretales]

Day Twenty-One

-A baby challenged me to a staring contest. Not only did the baby win, but I did not see the baby blink a single time for the entire three minutes he was at my register. I hope one day to have that resilience. More than that, I hope it wasn’t actually a doll.

-A little girl rolled through with her parents. She had on cat ears, a cat tail, and cat paws, all of which she had taken from the Halloween aisle. She repeatedly told me, “I’m a kitty!” and meowed. This is, without a doubt, the sweetest child on Earth. 

-I handed a woman a coupon for a discounted Starbucks drink. She looked at me, visibly confused and distraught. “How do you hand-craft a beverage?” she asked me. I had no answer for her. “Guess I’d better go find out,” she whispered, mystified, walking towards Starbucks. I hope she found the answers she was looking for.

-The other cashier and I both had only one guest in line. A woman walked down my lane, took a look at me, and decided that she would be done quicker if she went to the other lane. Unfortunately, the guest in the other lane had been there for quite a while and was not leaving any time soon. I rang up four guests before the woman was able to be helped. She made eye contact with me from the next lane and, with a look of deep shame on her face, picked up her items and came to my lane. 

-A woman came through my lane. She had on an unrealistic wig and repeatedly let out a laugh as fake and unsettling as her hair, and she bought nothing but a large amount of makeup. It is now official. The lizard people are among us, and they use debit cards.

-I met a man with the most immaculate mustache I have ever seen. It extended from his face at the ends, and I fully believe that with mustache-wings that pristine, he could take flight at any moment. 

-A mother asked her son who was barely old enough to speak if he would hold her keys. He clutched the keys in his small hand and whispered, “Got it.” This is a man who I would trust with anything.

-A woman in a purple felt jumpsuit and a cape walked in the store and went directly to guest services, then left. All I want in life is to know her story.

-An elderly woman was shocked by the card reader. “Machines that tell you what to do,” she mused. “Who would ever have thought?” I did not have the heart to tell her that I learned the majority of my life skills from WikiHow. I only hope she is better prepared by the time the robot uprising begins. 

-The sweetest little girl in history initiated a game of peekaboo with me. She was so happy to be playing. I teared up as her mother wheeled her away, and immediately began planning a family of at least eighty children because I have never felt happier in my life.

-A woman wore a shirt with the caption “Ain’t No Place I’d Rather Be” within an outline of the state of Tennessee. I could not find it in myself to tell her that, as of seven miles ago, she is no longer in Tennessee. 

-Three transactions in a row rang up at $45.00, $23.23, and $15.15. Today, I am truly blessed.

-A woman told me in great detail of her scheme to purchase $100 of Cards Against Humanity decks without her husband knowing. She has clearly been planning this for a while and I am glad that I was able to be a part of this.

[tomsretales]

Day Twenty

-An old woman purchased an umbrella due to the sudden rain we had today. She asked me to teach her how to use it. It was a normal umbrella. She was so grateful and I have never been happier to help someone.

-A skeleton head that repeats whatever you say to it has been floating around the registers. I have chosen him as my best friend. His name is Skully. I am saddened when he is taken from me.

-Now that it is fall, my festive summer-themed stickers have been replaced. This was to be expected. I did not expect them to be replaced with easter-themed stickers. I consider this both a personal affront and I sign for me to bring in my Christmas themed stickers the second it becomes October.

-A four year old boy left the store with his family. His family walked out silently. He walked out, bow-legged, clutching his rear end, quietly chanting “shake your booty”. I now consider this the only way to make an exit.

-The woman who purchased a large box of WWE trading cards for herself returned today. She purchased nothing but five additional WWE packs. I admire anyone this passionate about a hobby. I wonder about how this became hers.

-A little girl was purchasing a doll with her grandmother. I asked her how she was. She told me that she had two good things happen today and two bad things. After she finished listing them, I handed her a sticker, to which she gleefully informed me that she now had more good than bad. I might as well turn in my two-weeks’ notice now, because my work here is done.

-I asked a small child if he would like a sticker. He bluntly told me, “No.” I do not know how to handle this kind of rejection.

-I heard tales from two guests about a friend of theirs who became anxious when spending too much money and would sprint from the checkout line to the back of the store to get a cheaper package of plates at the advice of the cashier. They seemed to find this funny, but I consider this the only way to shop.

-Skully was returned to me. Unfortunately, his stay was not long. He began repeating every beep and click of the register, driving my fellow cashier mad. It’s fine, though. Me and him are taking a break, but I expect us to make amends soon enough.

-A man asked a woman if she drinks coffee in hopes of chatting her up. This occurred inside Starbucks, with a woman drinking a large coffee. It was a safe question, but I feel he could have tried a little harder.

-I witnessed Cat Lady leave the store as surreptitiously as one with such a reputation can. She did not go through the checkout lanes, and she had her hand suspiciously inside of her coat. I am worried that she has turned to a criminal life and will move on from Cat Lady to become Cat Burglar.

-A woman offered to sell me one of her children before exchanging any of the normal pleasantries one would. Unfortunately, she was talked out of it before I was able to make an offer.

-Two men approach. One hands his card to the other and walks away. The remaining man attempted to check out, before taking a look at the prompt on the card reader. He sadly looked up and whispered, “My buddy’s turding and I don’t know his pin.” This poor man cannot catch a break. 

-I am beginning to feel guilty about the amount of baby-sized fedoras I let people buy. By ringing them up, I am a part of the problem.

-A guest insisted that I was to blame for Target charging her twice for an item she purchased across the country several years ago. While I did not appreciate her manners, I was very flattered by her estimation of the power I had. 

[tomsretales]

Day Nineteen

-A man informed me that he would rather have his identity stolen than take five seconds to use the chip reader instead of swiping his card. I can only hope that one day my time is that important.

-Without prompting, a young woman told me that she did not want to have power of attorney over herself. I was prepared to offer to take it over for her, but she walked away before I could draw up the paperwork.

-An old woman began to approach my register. She then locked eyes with me, mouthed the word “no”, and walked away. I am not sure what aspect of my appearance had such a repelling effect, but it is nice to know that I have such a powerful aura regardless. 

-Attempts were made to review the security footage of the day an adult pooped in the baby aisle. These were in vain and whoever attempted to frame a baby for their dirty business is still at large.

-A man asked of the card reader, “Is this a stuff in the bottom deal?” I can’t say that I know of many things in life that are stuff in the bottom deals, but this most certainly is not.

-A woman handed me an opened package of treats to ring up with one missing, implying that she had consumed one in the store. This is a normal occurrence. I was not prepared to realize it was a box of dog treats, nor that she did not have a dog with her.

-The beeping of the card reader prompts different responses in different people. A young woman, “Oh, I’m so sorry for upsetting you.” A young man, “Stop yelling at me!” When the card readers inevitably revolt against mankind, I know who will be spared.

-A woman purchased several bags of assorted chocolates and a large can of spray cheese. I am terrified, but I have a morbid curiosity about what her plan is.

-My final guest of the day was a man who looked, dressed, and sounded exactly like the owner of Jurassic Park. I can only hope he has the same life and ambitions as well.

[tomsretales]

Day Eighteen

-A woman approached the counter with a three-pack of baby wipes in her hands. She proceeded to open the three pack in front of me, place the three individual packs on the conveyor belt, and hand me the packaging, telling me that it was for the three packs of wipes. I had gathered that much. What I still could not determine was her goal here.

-I asked a man if he had found everything alright, to which he bellowed, “yeaaaaaah buddy.” I genuinely admire his enthusiasm for picture frames and decorative pumpkins.

-Mid-conversation with a woman I was ringing up, I looked down. When I looked back up, she was gone. Thankfully she had just stepped away to get a drink from the cooler. I was worried that she had been a ghost all along, which would have been a problem for me, as I do not think ghosts have the ability to carry wallets.

-I handed a mother a second sticker for her daughter. The mother told the daughter, “You can give this one to your sister!” The daughter told the mother, “I can give this one to me!” and proceeded to slam it on her shirt before she could be stopped. This is a hero who knows what they want and will not let anything get in their way.

-I heard a little girl shouting, “I hate this! I hate this!” As I heard her approach, I expected to see a child mid-fit. Instead, I saw a child thrilled with the concept of despising the world around her. At least she is happy with it.

-A girl was ecstatic that her mother agreed to buy her Tic Tacs. To make her day even better, I handed her the Tic Tacs outside of a bag, with a sticker hidden under it. She shouted “Tic Tacs!” and looked as happy as she could possibly be. Thirty seconds later, she discovered the sticker, and started babbling gleefully about having a sticker. This was the single purest, most unadulterated happiness I have ever witnessed, and I think my purpose in life was to bring about this moment.

-My manager brought me a Cadbury Egg Frappuccino. I do not know to whom he sold his soul, but no mere mortal should be able to put anything they desire so perfectly into frappuccino form.

-I talked with a man about the legal drinking age and why it is what it is. This was a good conversation. He then told me how Hillary Clinton looked like a specific blow-up sex doll. This was a finished conversation. 

-This job is officially turning me into a coffee person. At first I was disgusted with myself, but now I see a whole new world of opportunities before me. After a single grande salted caramel mocha frappuccino, I found that I had the ability to run the entire store single-handedly, run a marathon, hack the NSA, and register to vote for a candidate who is not a white supremacist. The possibilities are endless now.

[tomsretales]

Day Seventeen

-A small girl was thrilled to discover that she was tall enough to reach over the counter and hand me her money. She gleefully shouted, “I’m high enough! I’m high enough!” and I have never been so proud of someone half my height.

-An elderly man bought deodorant called Swagger. I am glad that he knows how important swag is in the modern era and scents himself accordingly.

-I stepped away from my register for a moment to move some hangers. Rather than wait at my register, a pair of guests followed me around, watching me from a safe distance, before finally returning to the counter once I did. I do not know what they were hoping to gain from their check-out lane safari, but I do respect the efforts they went through to try to avoid me noticing them. They were in vain, but I respect them.

-A small boy hid underneath the counter, shouting out phrases like “I love Target!” and “Target is the best!” repeatedly, for five straight minutes, with no signs of a motive or a desire to stop. I am not unconvinced that we hired a ten year old as a propaganda machine.

-A girl sat in the cart as her mother tried to choose a brand of gum for her. “That one,” the girl would declare. “This one?” the mother would ask. “No, that one,” the girl would respond. This back-and-forth went on without change until the mother had gone through every package of gum that we had. Neither flinched, changed inflection, or showed any sign of consciousness of what they were doing. This is by far one of my most surreal moments yet.

-As I left the bathroom, I noticed a stereotypical business man doing unstereotypical things. By this, of course, I mean he was scrubbing his left foot with a paper towel. As one does between board meetings at a retail establishment. 

-An older woman accosted a young woman I was ringing up, demanding to know where she got each article of her clothing from. Most of it was Walmart. The elder one inspected each piece of clothing individually. All the while, the small child with the older woman was spinning around, exposing his nipples to all within range. 

-A newborn child gave me the single most distrustful look in history. I do not know whether she could sense that I was out of stickers or if I had wronged this baby in a past life, but the infant was having none of me.

[tomsretales]

Day Sixteen

-A distressed-looking man came through my lane. After everything I said, such as “I hope you found everything easily today”, “this will be your total”, “your receipt will be in your bag”, he would whisper “I hope.” There was emptiness behind his eyes. Who hurt you, sir. I hope free coupons will help.

-A college boy spilled a bottle of Axe on my conveyor belt. For the next hour I smelled nothing except toxic masculinity and overcompensation. 

-I met a baby who lived for the spotlight.  As soon as anyone looked at her, she would pose and smile. I have an undying respect for this infant diva. She is destined for big things.

-A girl was on her phone for the entirety of her transaction. This is nothing new. She was on the phone with someone standing ten feet away. This is questionable.

-I have discovered that I can calm even the loudest of crying babies simply by rolling my eyes into my head and sticking out my tongue. My superpower is changing an infant’s mood from distraught to delighted in a matter of seconds. I always knew that having such a funny-looking face would pay off in the end.

-A mother asked her young pre-teen daughter to get two ice waters from Starbucks. The daughter put one hand on her hip and the other in front of her, palm-up, expectantly. The mother told her that water was free. The daughter retorted, “Just give me some money already.” This worked. I question her manners but I respect her go-getter attitude.

[tomsretales]

Day Fifteen

-My first guest today was an elderly woman who had never used a card reader before. Teaching her how to swipe her debit card was the single most pure moment of my life.

-A woman bought a heavily-glittered gift bag. The glitter sprinkled all over the register. The glitter remained there, immovable, for the remainder of the day. This was not necessarily a negative thing.

-A mother bought her infant child a fedora. I worry for his future.

-A woman’s total was $100.00, not a penny more, not a penny less. I could not have cared more. She could not have cared less.

-A man was caught shoplifting a large pacage of Trojan lube. I cannot condone his actions, but I respect his choice in merchandise.

-A woman refused discounts in all forms: Target card, Cartwheel coupon app, paper coupons. She insisted that any form of discount was akin to selling the store her soul. 

-Overheard at the Starbucks: “I don’t want to get AIDS, so I have to be careful how I chew my gum.”

-A woman spent five minutes explaining to me that it is of the utmost importance that I get out and vote, so that I can ensure that card readers are the same at all stores. I had no idea that the stakes of the upcoming election were so grave, but now I will surely be getting to the polls.

-The HR head entered the store as I was working at the counter. She pointed to me and loudly whispered, “I have something for you.” This was ominous and concerning. She later brought me an entire roll of Christmas-themed Target stickers, telling me that she knows how important stickers are to me and my people. This made my day and I am now thrilled to begin handing out Christmas stickers during Halloween. 

-A boy entered the store with is mother. He instantly began screaming, pointing at a display, screaming “THERE IS A MONSTER, THERE IS A MONSTER.” I understand his fear. The cardboard cartoon of a spider in the midst of trick-or-treating is very distressing for me as well. It has two half-legs and seems to only be treating this with bandages. If only our country had universal healthcare, he might have had some hope and not caused this child to be so concerned for his well-being.

[tomsretales]

Day Fourteen

-The computers at Target give guest coupons based on purchases and things like that. I usually announce to the guest what coupons they got, to make sure they know the kind of deals they are getting. Today a woman got multiple coupons for diarrhea medicine and deodorant. I have decided to drop this habit.

-Today I met the most optimistic woman in the world. She got excessively excited over items that have handles built into their packaging because of how convenient they are. She also purchased three plastic trash cans and informed me to great extent of how versatile and cheap they are, and how they are a great alternative to plastic shopping bags. After learning that I overslept today, she made a point to remind me that that is okay, as there are much worse things that could have happened to me. She said clearly obvious things, and yet my entire day seemed much better afterwards.

-I asked the same woman if she had a Target card. She informed me that she did not, as instead, she bought stock. I did not understand the correlation, but by this point she had earned too much respect for me to question her.

-I mentioned at Starbucks that I had once had a Milky Way coffee drink and that it was the one coffee drink I ever actively enjoyed. An hour later, I was brought a sample of a Milky Way drink they had found how to make online. I loved the taste. I regretted the enormous caffeine intake.

-A child mistook a sticker for a bandaid and, before his mother could stop him, placed it on what seemed to be a fresh cut. I am grateful that he left the store before he realized his mistake. The aftermath would have been devastating. 

-Today my register unwillingly became the location of a fifteen minute soccer mom meet-up. Their agenda consisted of discussing Starbucks drinks, interrogating one’s daughter about another of their children’s school life, planning one of their son’s birthday parties, and planning the subsequent after party.

-A kind cashier gave me emoji stickers. My phone is now branded with a three-dimensional poop emoji. It has doubled in personal value and quadrupled in monetary value. This poop case is now priceless.

[tomsretales]

Day Thirteen

-A woman came through wearing a shirt that said, “Camp Wheretheheckrwe”. Finally, a brand of comedy that I can relate to.

-A manager made me a Starbucks Pink Drink. I can see why this drink’s popularity caused a shortage in coconut milk. It tasted like liquid flowers, but with less chlorophyll. 

-A girl dressed in all pink, tutu, shoes, bow, and all, attempted to make an escape. She unbuckled herself and stood up in the toddler seat, and attempted to jump the bar and get out, before her handler placed her back in confinement, much to her chagrin and dismay.

-While in the bathroom, a man’s phone began to ring. With no warning, Lorde’s “Royals” was suddenly blaring throughout the room. He then started angrily yelling at his phone, “ANSWER! ANSWER!” Shockingly, this did not work, and the song was still playing as I left.

-A boy decided to act out, but wisely wanted to avoid any actual repercussions. While unloading the cart, he would wind up as he removed each item, as if he were going to throw it angrily onto the conveyor belt, then at the last moment gently place it down. I feel a deep sense of comradery and understanding for this boy.

-I have made the realization that after the age of seventy, people only carry around either hundred dollar bills, or pockets full of unreasonable amounts of loose change. I do not know yet the significance of this discovery, but I will crack the Elder Code one day.

-As a little girl was waiting in line, I heard her cheerfully exclaim that she has no gum, while pointing at the chewing gum rack. She was not asking for gum. She was not complaining about not having gum. She just decided to gleefully announce to everyone in the vicinity that, at the time, she did not have any gum in her possession. 

-I then caused an existential crisis in this same girl. I handed her a sticker. Her face was filled with a sense of terror at the responsibility I had just given her. She could not decide where to place it. She was thoroughly shaken by this. I eventually handed her a second sticker so that she would not have to make such a weighty decision on such short notice. This solved the dilemma immediately.

-I have discovered the ultimate form of pure confusion, and that is children not understanding how stickers work and attempting to stick wax paper to their foreheads. It is truly a marvel to behold.

-A woman ominously wandered the front of the store, repeating to herself, “I should have known better. I should have known better. I should have known better.” My shift ended before I was able to ascertain whether or not she had reason to have known better. I remain confident that she did her best.

-An old man with a gun strapped to his hip was wearing a shirt that read, “Ditch The Paper, Go For Vapor.” It is reassuring to know that, in this life, some things may come and go, but the vape life is forever.

[tomsretales]

Day Eleven

-A woman attempted to pay for her purchase with a Victoria’s Secret card. She was surprised that it did not work. 

-I knocked over a full cup of water at my register. I had to help the next couple of guests ankle-deep in a sea of embarrassment and wet socks.

-Fellow Cashier Neta updated me on the Cat Lady and her key chains. Cat Lady brought Neta a key chain without prompting. It had long gold and bronze tassels. Neta did not carry it with her. I do not understand this. I would have cherished this and worn it around my neck proudly every day of my life.

-A baby was shrieking. His parents could not stop him. Nothing could stop him. I gave him a sticker. He stopped crying. My people’s respect for my is unending. It is almost time to turn this respect into an army.

-I inadvertently taught an infant how to stick her tongue out at people. She was thrilled. I was thrilled. Her parents were not.

-A woman could not stop sneezing. She informed me that something in the store was upsetting her allergies. “It could be any department. It could be the baby aisle. It could be electronics. It could be coming from anywhere.” Her tone told me she intended to hunt down whatever she was allergic to in the store and make it pay dearly.

-An angry man stormed through the store. He was wearing military boots, camouflage cargo capris, and a tank top that was open down to his waist with the word “DICKS” plastered on the front. I wish he understood how spectacular an outfit this was. If he just looked in a mirror, he could never be angry again.

-A woman started lecturing a cashier about her “nasty old sweat towels.” I admire her honesty. I respect her openness. I fear her linen closet.

-A man walked by. He had biceps so large he could not put his arms down at his sides. He had legs so small I do not understand how he stood upright.

-I looked at the packaging for a pool toy and was very upset. I could not explain my feelings, but something about the design made me very uneasy. I looked at it again and understood. They airbrushed all of the nipples but one off of the boys in the pool. Why censor any nipples. Moreover, why not censor that one. I need to have a stern talk with this company. I need answers.

[tomsretales]

Day Ten

-A man hands me a wad of cash. Drugs fall out from between the bills. It was a single dose pack of ibuprofen, but regardless, I believe I was just involved in a drug deal.

-I knocked my glasses behind the register and, while retrieving them, found dozens of lost stickers. I hit the mother lode.

-A little girl ran around the front of the store shouting “Mama Mia!” I cannot tell if her life has been heavily influenced by ABBA or Mario. Either way, she made me proud.

-A man walked away with his bag, left the store, returned to my register, informed me that he did not need the bag, removed his items, gave me the bag, and left again. 

-I look down. I look back up. A man appeared silently, wearing what can only be described as black cargo scrubs. Who is he.

-Cargo scrubs man purchases lighters, toilet paper, knives, a trash can, and a rug. I want to follow him to find out more, but realistically, I will be seeing him in the news after whatever he is planning. 

-A girl tried to purchase a shirt, but the tag had fallen off. She went to get another shirt that I could scan to get the price. She brings back a tag. I assume she had found the tag that had fallen off. I assumed wrong. She had torn the tag off of another shirt, thus beginning the cycle anew. 

-I offered a girl an orange sticker. She politely asked for the yellow one instead. I told her she could have both. I have never seen such unadulterated joy in this world.

-A boy in his mid-teens came through my line, attempting to purchase an emergency contraceptive. He found out he did not have enough cash on hand. He left the store, returned with a stack of quarters, and was able to complete the transaction. I am glad he had a plan b.

-I handed a baby a sticker. Filled with determination, the baby attempted to place the sticker directly on their mother’s nose. The mother pointed out the paper had not been removed and peeled it off for the child. The baby then looked intently at the sticker, intently at their mother’s nose, and resumed their earlier endeavors. They were successful.

-An old man handed me $30 for a $26 purchase, saying “That’s out of $100.” I have him his $4 change. He asked me where the rest of his change was, since he “paid with $100″. I still do not know whether this was an attempt at a joke or an attempt at a scan, but I respect him for shrugging it off either way and walking away silently.

-A separate old man purchased pantyhose, a toilet brush, nail polish, and Minions wrapping paper. Happy birthday to some poor, unfortunate soul out there.

-A woman’s purchase rang up at just above $20. She pulled out a stack of cash and counted off $45 of it. She then put it back in her purse and paid with her card. I respect her style.

-This is the latest shift I have had. Target after dark is a very different experience. The silence echoes. The lights glow and fade. The customers all seem dead inside. The transformation is both sudden and gradual. I am mystified.

-I overhear a burly man on the phone as he is buying chips and drinks. “It’s the $11,000 one in the back of the room,” he tells his accomplice. “We’re going to need to retrieve it.” I am left with the obvious assumption that he is on the requisite pre-jewel heist snack run. 

-I gave a baby the first sticker they had ever seen in their life. I feel so honored to have introduced this happiness into their life.

-Coworker Anthony, after talking with me about these stories, begins using it as a conversation piece with customers at his lane. I overhear that a few have read my posts before. Anxiety sets in. I begin to question whether my posts going viral is for the best.

-A woman waits through my line, and approaches me, telling me she has no items but only a question. I assume this is because guest services is abandoned at this point. Once more, I prove the axiom of assuming and asses. “Are you Tom? Grennell? With the posts?” I quietly admit it. “I just wanted to say that you’re hilarious, I love your posts, and you should keep writing!” This woman has approached me just to compliment me. I am now certain these posts have been a good thing. I am now elated, flattered, and only slightly anxious. Thank you for waiting next to loud girls on FaceTime for this purpose, ma’am.

-An eerie voice echoes over the loudspeaker, counting down the last fifteen minutes before the store closes. When the ten-minute warning airs, a loud humming surrounds the store. I can only assume a UFO was making a landing. It is the only way to explain so much about this store.