Aticus @panda-noosh - Tumblr Blog

May 19, 2024

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———

coriolanus snow doesn't give up easily.

he's never been able to. his position in life has never given him the room to throw his hands up and say, "i give up." his world would crumble if he did that, dragging his entire family with him. he can't let that happen.

maybe that's why he finds it impossible to give up on you.

so many people have told him that you're not worth it, and not necessarily in a rude way. nobody is under any illusion that you are anything short of phoenomenal, the type of person to drop everything for those you love. all these people tell coriolanus you're not worth it, because he's broken you before, and nobody believes he can come back from that. the attempts would just be pointless.

once, coriolanus may have agreed. in fact, there's been multiple times where he has agreed, days when you won't even look in his direction during classes, when you scurry past him in the hallways like he has some sort of horrendous, contagious disease. despite this, he can't put his feelings to rest. he can't give up. his world would crumble if he did that.

he sits in the canteen of the academy, and so do you. he's starving, and he's stacked his plate full of all the foods the chefs have provided, but he can't focus on his plate long enough to start eating, not when you're say only feet away, trying everything in your power to avoid his piercing gaze. oh, how easy it would be to just walk over to you - you'd be cornered. coriolanus knows you well enough to know you would never make a scene amongst your peers, not in the way you did during that final argument.

yes, it would be easy, but that's not the way coriolanus does things. he's eager, maybe a little desperate, but he loves you enough that he wouldn't put you through that humiliation.

so instead he watches from the sidelines as you laugh at something jener has said, all massive smiles and thrown back heads, all fake. everyone in the academy is fake, and you know that. it's a topic you and coriolanus have discussed in plenty, cuddled under a blanket, you calling him 'cor' because everyone calls him 'coryo' and you never wanted to be just like everyone else.

oh, he misses you so much.

the memory breaks him enough that he looks away; he'll try again tomorrow.

"all alone again, coryo?"

sejanus appears out of nowhere, but coriolanus doesn't make his irritation clear. though he would much rather be alone, he nods to the empty chair in front of him and says, "i was waiting for you. where's your food?"

sejanus sits. "i haven't got time to eat. professor crildum only let us go two minutes ago, says we need to use all our free time making sure we know the codex off by heart." he rolls his eyes. "i swear, i haven't properly slept in weeks."

coriolanus has to bite into a cold hashbrown to keep from saying anything that would ruin their friendship. it usually never bothers him when his rich capital friends mention their surface level struggles, but he's been irritable lately, less mentally equipped to deal with it. there's been multiple times this week where he's just wanted to tell them all to shut up, that he doesn't even remember the last time he slept on an actual mattress, let alone had a good nights sleep. coriolanus hasn't properly slept in weeks because another resident in his apartment complex is dying of pneumonia, and the sound of his cousins stomach growling keeps waking him up. he would love for his biggest issue to be the looming doom of school work.

he sips his water. "i slept like a baby. it's good for the mind."

sejanus rolls his eyes, pinching a sausage off coriolanus's plate. coriolanus isn't bothered; he finds himself looking back over at you like you're some kind of magnet, laughing away with your friends, friends who have probably told you countless times to stay away from him.

he banishes the thought as soon as it appears; your friends aren't the issue, and he knows that. he's come to terms with the fact he messed up, but that doesn't mean he can ignore the hatred he feels for anyone who tarnishes his name even more to you.

sejanus pops into his field of vision. "hello. still with us?"

coriolanus snaps his gaze back to his plate.

sejanus sighs, leaning back to get a good look at the warmth crawling up coriolanus's face. "do i even need to ask?"

"no," coriolanus snaps. "you do not."

sejanus looks over his shoulder; you're standing up, dragging your coat with you. he looks back at coriolanus and smiles. "have you spoken to them yet?"

"we're not on speaking terms."

"and how badly is that tormenting you?"

coriolanus closes his eyes, exhaling slowly. "you told me to leave it alone."

"i didn't think you'd actually listen to me, though. it's not like coriolanus snow to take the advice of others, especially when it comes to. . . well, feelings."

coriolanus clenches his jaw, watching you leave the canteen without so much as a glance in his direction. "i don't waste time chasing things i have no chance of catching."

"sounds an awful lot like giving up."

coriolanus scowls. "could you mind your business, sejanus? we both have far more important things to be focusing on."

"ah yes," sejanus muses. "not a moment to be normal teenagers. i forgot the policy for a second."

---

coriolanus remembers the first time he laid eyes on you. it was his first day taking on 'group therapy', a remedy tigris recommended to him and would not shut up about. he agreed to give it a go purely so his cousin would give him some peace. he was also reaching a point of desperation, though he loathe to admit it; the nightmares of the way - the flashbacks - were returning full force, and his already grim sleeping schedule was becoming non-existent. he would go days without a wink of sleep, too afraid to close his eyes lest the tormenting images attacked him again.

he had little hope therapy would do him any good, but he dragged himself to the youth centre anyway. he wore only a loose pair of cargo trousers and a hooded shirt; ditching his rich capitol attire seemed like the best way to remain unnoticed if he were to accidentally run into any of his school mates, none of whom seemed even a tiny bit tormented by the war they too lived through.

the group coriolanus introduced himself to upon arrival was made up of ones from the poorer side of the capitol. of course, no one from the districts would be granted the privilege of therapy, so everyone around him was still neatly dressed and civil, shaking his hand and asking him all sorts of domestic questions in an attempt to ignore the circumstances in which they were meeting. everyone had horrors behind their eyes, which coriolanus found particularly difficult to ignore; did he look like that? haunted, scared of something that happened so long ago?

he reminded himself he was there to figure that out, and so took a seat in the small circle of patients. the professional, dr langmead, sat at the head and started the session by introducing two of the three new-comers.

"coriolanus snow, callistra stray, and. . ." she looked around, eyes squinted behind her spectacles. "uh, y/n-"

the doors burst open.

corionalus span just as you entered the room, hair a mess and eyes wild. his first instinct was to cringe away from how dishevelled you are, but his manners kicked in when you looked at him, as if your eyes were somehow drawn to his the minute you walked in the room.

"ah," dr landmead drawled. "you must be our final newcomer, y/n l/n. please, take a seat."

"we use first names in here?" you asked, dashing to the seat across from coriolanus. "pretty sure i opted out of that in the sign-up agreement."

"yes, we use first names, because we understand there is nothing shameful about being here," dr langmead replied.

"i'll be the judge of that." you smiled awkwardly. "sorry. nerves make me say stupid stuff."

dr langmead merely blinked before continuing with the session. already, however, coriolanus was distracted by you, the start of something he will not be able to shake. he spent that session staring, examining the way you hold yourself, how you would always look so bored and uninterested, yet always gave the most detailed, thought-out answers when called upon. when it was your turn to speak, coriolanus was shocked to discover you were born district - district thirteen, as a matter of fact. you and your family had travelled to district ten for business when the annihilation happened, leaving you with nothing, taking away everything you held dear. it was only by luck your father managed to secure a job in district ten as entertainment manager, a job that eventually gave you and your family access to capital life. it explained how coriolanus had never seen you before.

"i haven't taken the move well, clearly," you said. "that's why i'm here. mum and-"

"what was district thirteen like?"

your eyes snapped to rubeus helm, owner of the voice. "excuse me?"

"i mean, we all know the basics," rubeus said. "radioactive animals, poison in the soil, basically unlivable unless you have that, like, genetic mutation-"

"excuse me?"

"enough now." coriolanus spoke before he could stop himself, eyes pinned on rubeus. "don't be such an idiot. if you truly believe those rumours, you don't deserve the title of capitol citizen."

the circle went quiet. even dr langmead seemes stunned, mouth open but no words coming out to diffuse the situation. coriolanus turned to you, fully prepared to apologise on rubeus's behalf, but you didn't give him a chance; you stood, chair scraping the floor, and stormed out.

coriolanus followed you, because no one else did. he found you outside the youth building, doubled over with a hand covering your mouth, silent tears pouring down your face. so many people bustled past, not giving you the time of day, and not for the first time, coriolanus wondered if the districts worked like this, if they ignored each other all the time, if they lacked compassion in the same way the capitol did.

he approached slowly. "y/n. that's your name, right?"

you closed your eyes, tightening the hold on your lips. and then, as if only comfortable acknowledging him once you gathered your bearings, you opened your eyes and nodded. "that's right."

"coriolanus snow," he said.

"i know. you're one of the big shits at the academy." at his startled expression, you chuckled and said, "i'm starting there next week. you showed up on the records. multiple times, actually."

coriolanus blushed, though he wasn't entirely sure why; he was usually so proud of his academic achievements considering they were the only truthful things he could brag about. for some reason, however, that side of him being your first impression made him cringe a little.

"do you think they'll let me back up?" you asked.

"i don't think so," coriolanus answered truthfully. "not a bad thing, though; the whole thing is a scam."

"spoken exactly like someone who can't admit he has emotional baggage. what was it for you? war trauma?"

coriolanus pursed his lips. "a little bit. just a few night terrors i can't wash away; my cousin wanted me to try talking it out, so here i am."

"here you are." you pulled yourself onto the railing behind you. "here we both are; two capitol schmucks with issues."

coriolanus tilted his head. "you'd consider yourself capitol?"

you shrugged. "i'll consider myself whatever keeps my family and i safe, and saying i'm from district thirteen certainly isn't the way to do that."

coriolanus was struck by how easily you said it, how matter-of-fact you could sound whilst talking about the cruelties of the capitol, because you weren't exaggerating. coriolanus loathed to admit it, but the rumours rubeus detailed weren't pulled from his own desire to wind up someone from the districts - those were real rumours, real beliefs that even some of the most educated panem citizens believed.

coriolanus looked down, suddenly awkward, suddenly left wondering why he followed you in the first place. He's Capitol through and through, and looking at you from afar made him think you were, too, but now he's heard you speak, heard the tiniest glimpse of your story, and he realises you could very much be the farthest thing from it.

"it's nice here."

your voice brings him back. he looks up to see you staring out at the view, hands gripping the metal railing. your tears have dried, replaced by this look of fascination directed towards the towering sky scrapers and the perfectly clean streets of the capitol before you.

"not what i'm used you," you continue.

"was thirteen bad?" it's a stupid question, almost condescending; everyone in the capitol knows about the state of district thirteen, the horror stories that came out of it even before it's annihilation.

you lift your head, shoulders rising on an inhale. "i loved it. it was home." you turn to him fully. "do you not love your home?"

coriolanus blinks. "i - i like it here. it's all i've ever known."

you scoff. "that must be nice. i can't wait to live here so long that i get numb to it all."

"hey, i'm not numb. i'm thankful-"

you raise a hand, silencing him immediately, though he doesn't know why. that kind of rudeness would usually set him on a rant unlike any other, but the words immediately die in his throat when it's you.

"i don't want you to explain yourself. you're capitol. that's all there is to it."

coriolanus blinks, unsure how to respond. you stare at him a little while longer, as if giving him the opportunity to - what? apologise? he has nothing to apologise for. the annihilation of your home had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with the districts grace overstep during the war.

when the silence continues to drag on, you look away and say, "i should probably start walking home."

coriolanus can only nod, but that is enough for you. you tip your head in a silent goodbye before ducking under the railing and crossing the road, not giving coriolanus a second glance.

---

after the first encounter, coriolanus sees you all the time.

you're a good worker. excellent, even. certainly excelling the expectations of someone district born. you are in most of coriolanus's classes, though if you realise that, you don't show it. coriolanus is almost impressed by how well you ignore him, how well you ignore everyone. you keep your head down, a smart decision on your part. though coriolanus has no problem with your district heritage, he knows not everyone is of the same opinion. even now, three weeks into the school year, he catches his fellow capitol classmates staring at you like you're some kind of spectacle, an animal at a zoo. it makes him angrier than he cares to admit.

it's during your fourth week at the academy that you finally grace coriolanus with a bit of acknowledgement. at least he thinks it's your fourth week; in all honesty, the days have become mere blurs to him recently, too plagued by his ptsd for him to really pay attention to how much time is passing. all he knows is that he has seen you almost everyday for a time long enough to grow his intrigue tenfold. he has quickly become part of your group of spectators, but for a completely different reason.

he sits in the library on his own, because that's what he does all the time. it is also what you do all the time, though neither of you have ever come together during these conveniently timed study sessions. not until this particular day. coriolanus is so absorbed in his business studies textbook that he doesn't even notice you standing over him until you reach over and pluck one of his pastel highlighters off the table. his head snaps up.

"excuse - oh!" he slams his textbook closed, though he doesn't really know why. "y/n. hello."

"hello," you reply. "are you doing business studies right now?"

"um, yes."

"great." you slump into the seat next to him, shoulder crashing against his. "it's the one class i can't get a grasp on; they explain things so weirdly here, it's genuinely like you're all speaking in code." you pull his textbook across the table and open it to a page coriolanus surpassed days ago. "help?"

coriolanus stares, waiting for the punchline, or perhaps your own realisation to kick in. he can tell you feel the tension judging by the way you tap your foot and bite your lip, the way you refuse to look at him, probably expecting him to say something first.

after a few excruciating moments, you inhale and say, "so no help?"

"god forbid you cut to the chase."

you sigh, shoulders slumping in defeat. "i was hoping you'd let me off lightly."

"you haven't spoken to me in a month, y/n; i didn't think there was anything for me to let off in the first place."

you wince, crossing your arms over your chest. now that he has you all to himself, he can see the signs of exhaustion on your face, the bags under your eyes, the slump of your shoulders. your uniform looks too big, hanging off your frame like a mish-mash of blankets rather than a respectable, expensive uniform.

coriolanus leans forward, an eyebrow raised. "what's the matter?"

"how do you do it?" the question is so abrupt, like it's been ripped from your mouth by force.

"do what?" coriolanus asks.

you wave a hand. "this. all of it. the people, the attitudes. it's just so . . . different. backwards, almost." you pause to examine his face, and he has to fight off the blush threatening to make an appearance. "does it offend you when i say that?"

"no," he replies. "i just don't understand why you're saying it to me. i'm capitol, y/n, born and raised."

"i know," you say. "you're different, though."

"am i?"

you shrug. "you came after me that night, came to make sure i was okay. nobody else has even come close to making a gesture like that; i've just been ignored this entire time. like i have an illness or something."

coriolanus's first thought is that perhaps you do have an illness, most likely contracted by the heavily toxic fumes of district thirteen; he's heard all the evidence, that anything to escape thirteen after it's annihilation is likely bunged with all sorts of diseases.

he doesn't say that, though. instead he says, "so you're lonely?"

you wince. "it's embarrassing to say it out loud."

"but that's what it is, right? you miss your friends."

you shoot him a flat look. "my friends are dead, cor. complete annihilation, remember?"

coriolanus's attention should probably go straight to the blatant call-out of your comment, but instead his mind spirals to the nickname you slotted oh-so casually into the dig. his heart stutters hearing it, and he feels ridiculous for the reaction, but he'll be damned if he can help it.

"cor?" he pushes.

you frown. "are we not on a nickname basis?"

"i'm not even on a nickname basis with my own family."

"great. cor it is then." you grin, the first coriolanus has seen you properly do so since you got here. it's a transformative expression, one that brightens your haunted eyes and makes coriolanus's heart skip a single beat.

he rolls his eyes. "whatever. tell you what - there's a grade party taking place in board room three tomorrow night; i'm inviting you if you haven't already. it'll give me a plus one, and you'll get the chance to make more friends."

as soon as he says it, coriolanus knows making capitol friends isn't your goal. not at all. when you expressed being lonely, it was because every friend you had was killed; a school party isn't going to take away that kind of loneliness, the kind rooted in trauma.

your expression flickers for only a second before you wrestle it back into a smile. "oh. i didn't know you did parties."

"a few every year. splits up the work." he nudges your elbow. "what do you say?"

you purse your lips, eyes flicking to the table. after a moment, however, you meet his gaze again and say, "fine. i'm in. but you're picking me up, and i'm not dressing fancy."

----

coriolanus does exactly as you asked, because he wants this.

he truly didn't think you would actually agree to his invitation; all evidence he has observed the past few weeks points to the fact that you do not like the capitol, nor the people in it. why you would ever want to surround yourself with the very people who have tormented you throughout your entire stay is beyond him, but he can't deny he's happy you're joining him. he hates these parties just as much as you do, but he has an obligation to show his face; it's what is expected of a snow.

coriolanus knocks on your door shortly after seven. he has dressed down for the occasion, a dark blue suit with a white tie, one of grandma'am's roses pinned to the lapel. he fiddles with the stem, biting his lower lip as he waits for you to answer the door. he can hear movement behind the wood, your frustrated curses before finally the door flings open, and there you are.

you give him a grin that takes the attention off the oh-so-casual outfit you have decided to wear. coriolanus isn't very familiar with the fashions once presented in district thirteen, but he can think of no other place you got your inspiration from. you're wearing a pair of grey overalls over a plain white shirt, hair pinned back with a feather that runs down the left side of your face. unlike coriolanus, there is not a touch of make up to be seen on your face, not a touch of make up even needed.

"you're early," is the first thing you say.

coriolanus blinks. "is that not a good thing?"

"not necessarily," you reply. "what if i was still in the nude?"

coriolanus is certain he didn't hear you correctly. "excuse me?"

you wave a dismissive hand, banishing that particular conversation for another day. "never mind. let's just go."

coriolanus hasn't done anything grand, just a brisk walk through the more pleasant areas of the capitol. he had half a mind to borrow his fathers' old car, but he's glad he decided against it. you seem to enjoy the walk, happily looking at the flowers lining the sidewalk, the skyscrapers adorned with flags and happy colours. he wonders if you ever had views like this in thirteen, if your joyous reaction is a result of nostalgia or awe.

you arrive at the party, and coriolanus takes your hand. it's a bold move, but he doesn't know if he'll get the opportunity again. he doesn't care that all his classmates are oggling you both as you walk through the crowd, doesn't care that some of those classmates are even scowling, like coriolanus has suddenly become the scum of the earth for being associated with you. he tightens his grip on your hand, guiding you towards the refreshments table.

"want a drink?" he asks, and even as he says it, he can hear how short he is being.

you raise a brow before glancing at your joined hands; coriolanus only then notices his white knuckles, and quickly pulls his hand away.

"sorry," he says. "i just-"

"they've got an issue with me, cor," you interject. "not you. you don't need to get all riled up."

"they're being. . . i don't even know the word."

"assholes?"

coriolanus grins, tries to hide it behind a glass of red punch he doesn't even like the flavour of. "my grandma'am wouldn't like me saying that word."

you pluck the glass out of his hands and take a swig. "that's why i said it for you. now relax, okay? you didn't bring me here to watch you glare at your friends. at least i hope not."

coriolanus chuckles. "no. no, i didn't."

and so you join the party. as always, coriolanus thinks the whole thing is pointless and over the top, but for the first time since he started attending these parties, he isn't eager to go home at the earliest convenience. he finds himself actually having fun when you're by his side, watching you sway and jump around to the music everyone else is ignoring in favour of idle chat. coriolanus never realised just how boring his peers were until you came in as a contrast, someone who comes to a party to breathe life into it, someone who clearly knows what the meaning of 'letting go' is.

you encourage him to dance, and against his better judgement, he does just that. he dances until sweat rolls down his face, until his legs are sore, until he no longer pays attention to anything but you, not even his whispering peers sending scandalised glares your way. he accepts the food from the refreshments table and eats it like a man starved, laughing when you reach forward to wipe some sauce from the corner of his mouth.

he has fun, a new experience in itself. for so long he has been stuck in the business mindset, doing everything just to propel himself that one step forward. it's been so long since he did anything just for the sake of it, just because he can, just because he is human and he's allowed to be relaxed sometimes.

so lost in his own enjoyment, he doesn't notice the moment you duck away from him. it's only when he makes to grab for your hand and grasps nothing that he realises you are gone, and then a panic sets in. he doesn't know where it comes from, but it doesn't feel irrational considering the people surrounding you - these people don't like district born, and that's exactly what you are, all you are to people like them.

he spins, searching the room frantically for any sign of your bizarre outfit. he spots you too late, however, because by the time he finds you in the crowd, moreli has already sidled up beside you. coriolanus watches her grab your arm, that sneer on her face he so desperately wants to rip apart right now. your own expression dulls, eyebrows furrowing in confusion, but how can you be confused right now? why did you think it was a good idea to run away from him? how could you be so dull?

he rushes forward, nearly tripping over his own feet in the process. he snatches your arm the moment he can, placing himself between you and moreli.

moreli stumbles back, eyes widening. "excuse me."

"you're excused," coriolanus growls. "let's go, y/n. the nights over."

"wait, but i haven't-"

"y/n and i were just about to catch up," moreli says. "i don't know why you're freaking out, coryo."

coriolanus clenches his jaw and starts dragging you towards the door. he ignores the concerned glances being sent his way - to hell with all of them. he was having a good night, and it had to be spoiled by brats like moreli.

you tug on his hand, but he's too angry to even notice. it's only when you're outside in the lashing rain do you finally manage to pull your hand free, startling coriolanus back to reality.

he turns, slipping his jacket off to place over your shoulders. you step out of his way, however, frowning.

"what the hell, cor?"

"what? i saved you."

"saved me from what? moreli was asking if i'd had enough to drink!"

coriolanus rolls his eyes; sweet, innocent little you, thinking moreli meant anything kind by her actions. "so you were falling for her act."

your eyes widen, jaw dropping open. "act? coriolanus, you took me out tonight to make friends! how am i supposed to make friends if you just assume everyone is being rude to me?"

"because chances are, that's how it's going to be!"

you flinch back like coriolanus has just slapped you.

"oh, let's be real, y/n," he continues, because he's still so angry, so filled with adrenaline. "you're district. there aren't many people around here who have forgiven you for what happened."

you open and close your mouth, fighting to find the right words.

"i'm protecting you," he continues. "this party was a mistake."

"you're right," you spit. "it was. remind me to never step foot anywhere else with you, ever again." with that, you shove past him and into the rain, not even looking both ways before jogging across the street towards your home.

for a second, coriolanus is genuinely confused. he blinks, watching you go, not quite comprehending what has just happened; he was just trying to help. he was being honest at the end of the day, and what more did you want from him? he knows these people better than you do. he knows what he's talking about.

he sniffs, wiping a droplet of rain from the tip of his nose. he debates going after you, but you've already disappeared into the distance, and he's getting the vague impression you don't want to talk to him.

someone knocking into his shoulder brings him back. he looks over just as sejanus grabs him, probably a little tipsy if the alcohol on his breath is anything to go by.

"hey," he pants in coriolanus's ear. "where'd y/n go?"

coriolanus looks down, watching the raindrops crash against his dress shoes. "home." he inhales, giving sejanus his best fake smile. "i think i'll do the same, actually."

-----

you go back to ignoring him.

coriolanus can't believe the childishness. after a chat with tigris, and a little bit of thought on his part, he can understand why you were angry; as tigris said, you are your own person, a grown up who can make decisions no matter what part of the world you were born in. coriolanus should have let you make your own mistakes.

however, he still can't believe that your choice of punishment for him is the silent treatment.

you fail your business studies assignment because you refuse to let him help. he's offered about five times since the party, but every time you just turn around and pretend he hasn't even spoken. he's sat beside you at lunch, but you simply stand up and sit somewhere else.

it's like you want to have no friends.

coriolanus hates thinking it, but it's the truth; you're district. district people don't make friends in the capitol. they keep their distance, playing it smart. all coriolanus wants is to be a confidant to you, a protector.

until he sees you chatting to moreli again.

it's different this time. moreli is sitting beside you, rubbing elbows, a tray of food placed between you. there's a smile on her face, and at one point, she even laughs at something you say. coriolanus can only stare at the spectacle, an odd twist of jealousy darting around his stomach. he's got an exam to study for, this shouldn't be the thing keeping his attention, but he can't look away. if his eyes aren't deceiving him, then it looks as if moreli is actually being friendly to you.

sejanus slams his tray down in front of coriolanus, as he does every lunch. coriolanus doesn't even flinch, doesn't even bother hiding the direction his eyes are pointed. sejanus tilts his head, moving into coriolanus's view.

"hello."

coriolanus swats him away. "move."

sejanus raises a brow, looking over his shoulder. of course, it doesn't take him very long to pinpoint what has coriolanus so intrigued; despite his best efforts, you are the only thing coriolanus can talk about. he's always asking sejanus and his friends how you have been, if you've asked about him, if you're ready to talk yet. none of them know the answers, of course, because you avoid sejanus just as much as you avoid coriolanus, but he likes to try.

sejanus sighs. "this again?"

"since when were they friends?"

"moreli and y/n?" sejanus shrugs. "for a while. since the party, i think. they hang out in class all the time."

coriolanus digs his nails into his palms. "oh. good. i'm glad."

"has y/n spoken to you yet?"

"no. why?"

sejanus shrugs again. "just wondering. i think maybe you should try having a civil conversation-"

"they won't let me have any type of conversation."

"when has that ever stopped you from trying?" sejanus sighs, leaning forward. "look coryo, don't give up. whatever happened between you two at the party can be solved, but you can't give up. it's not in you."

coriolanus closes his eyes, inhaling deeply. sejanus doesn't know how hard he's been trying, how embarrassing it is to be shot down every time he so much as looks in your direction. he isn't used to this kind of treatment, but maybe that's why sejanus is right; this is a challenge, a task set before him to test if he's really got the commitment he says he does.

and so, after school that day, coriolanus catches up to you on the walk home.

it's snowing a little bit today, frost coating the ground, a hint of deep snowfall in the night. you're bundled up in a large waterproof coat that goes right to your knees, and you walk like a penguin on the ice. like coriolanus, your shoes aren't made for the ice, and yet coriolanus still manages to catch up to you.

you yelp when he taps your elbow, spinning around and very nearly slipping. he grips you a little tighter, keeping you upright, and for a minute, you look like you're not about to yell at him. however, the moment your eyes focus and the shock wears off, your expression slips into a scowl and you spin, storming off.

coriolanus groans. "y/n! stop this nonsense!"

"go away, coriolanus!"

"not until you talk to me."

much to his surprise, you stop. he takes the opportunity to walk in front and meet your eyes.

"not until you talk to me," he repeats, softer this time.

you inhale shakily. "i don't want to do this."

"i just want to explain myself," he replies. "if you want nothing to do with me after, then that's okay. i'll leave you be."

you fold your arms over your chest, looking more vulnerable than coriolanus has ever seen you before. he's so used to the tough, bulletproof version of yourself you show to the world, but now you look genuinely nervous, glancing at the ground, rubbing your foot in the frost.

but you don't run away, so coriolanus takes his chance.

"i'm sorry i assumed moreli was being rude to you," he begins. "i took you there to make friends, so i should have let you make friends. i was just worried. capitol folk. . . y/n, they aren't all clean cut and polished. they can be cruel. especially some we go to school with."

you scoff. "you think i don't know that?"

"i realise now that you probably know better than anyone," coriolanus admits. "but you understand where i'm coming from, right? i wanted to help. i wanted to protect you."

as soon as the sentence is out of his mouth, he realises how vulnerable it sounds. your eyes flick up, lips pursed, but again, you aren't running away.

he tilts his head. "do you believe me?"

you pause. "i believe you. i just don't understand why you'd go through the hassle."

"you're not a hassle."

your shoulders slump like that's the sentence that knocks the wind out of you. you drop your arms to your side and shake your head at the sky, though coriolanus catches a hint of a tiny smile playing at your lips. it makes his heart sing, a chuckle escaping him.

"what?" he asks.

you shake your head again, finally meeting his eyes. "you're a surprise and a half, coriolanus snow."

he blushes, shrugs. "i've been told that before."

you loop your arm through his. "walk me home."

----

the next few weeks are strange, but glorious.

the shift in coriolanus's personality is noticeable to everyone. he gets asked about it multiple times, but the answer is always the same: a sly smile. in reality, he doesn't need to tell anyone why he is suddenly so over the moon; they all know. they see him walking to your house every morning, laughing with you in the hallways, walking you home after a long day.

tigris has asked about you multiple times, but coriolanus never gives her a proper answer. you are like a secret, something special he wants to keep close to his heart. he truly doesn't care that you're district, and he doesn't care if everyone else knows - to him, you are a reason to get up every morning.

he has yet to actually ask you out, because he isn't sure if that's something people do these days. he's read about it in the romance novels, and heard about it amongst elderly couples who grew up in a time where asking someone for their hand was a lot simpler. coriolanus doesn't know what the protocol is these days, and he's very afraid of messing it up. nonetheless, the urge to kiss you grows stronger each day, and he knows you're expecting it, too. sometimes there are these lapses in conversation where you just stare at each other, and more often than not, your eyes end up drifting to his lips. his do the same, though he likes to think he's a bit more subtle at it than you are.

by the time coriolanus finishes up his last class of the day, it's already dark outside. the winter months will do that, but it doesn't make it any more bearable. the moment he steps out of the academy, he is greeted by biting cold winds, flurried raindrops sprinkling his skin. he grunts, pulling his hood over his head so that his curls get pushed into his eyes, and he's going to lose his temper, because that class went so poorly, and now he has to walk home, and he just can't-

"awk, you look like a little puppy dog!"

he spins, very nearly slipping in the process.

you grin, giving him the smallest wave with just the tips of your fingers, the rest of your hand hidden beneath the sleeves of your coat. the minute he sees you, his face lights up, an expression he can't help. you just bring it out of him, this delight.

"what are you doing here?" he asks. "it's freezing!"

you loop your arm through his, guiding the way to the empty street. "i had nothing else to do, so i thought i'd walk you home."

"you're not walking me home. i'm walking you home."

you frown. "not fair."

"that's how this works, i'm afraid. get used to it."

you roll your eyes, letting coriolanus guide you in the direction of your home. it's a route he has unwillingly memorized, a route he has come to enjoy over any other. upon it, there are beautiful green trees slotted between the glass skyscrapers, statues erected tall, the smell of baked goods wafting from the countless bakeries dotted along the path. above all, however, is the you-ness of it. the view and the vibe is all well and good, but what coriolanus enjoys most is the smile it brings to your face, the way you have to halt every now and then to truly appreciate your surroundings.

this evening is no different, and coriolanus is enamored. he doesn't even realise he's staring, smiling until you pause and say, "what's that face for?"

coriolanus doesn't hide his smile, merely shakes his head and replies, "nothing. absolutely nothing."

you raise a brow, but let the subject drop. "you're strange, you know."

"am i?"

"yeah. you're too. . . mysterious, but not really."

coriolanus huffs out a laugh. "i'm going to need an explanation."

"well, let's put it this way." you loop your arm through his, as if to really get your point across. "as cheesy as it may sound, i feel like i know you pretty well. i know you're an absolute fiend for a nice bar of chocolate, that you have some strange obsession with roses-"

"it's not an obsession-"

you slap his arm. "i know you're a high achiever, whether you want to admit it or not. i also know you have a protective streak, which makes you very, very sweet in my eyes."

despite himself, coriolanus blishes; he's been called many things throughout his life, but hardly ever 'sweet.' it's possible that is a purposeful thing, him always playing the tough guy act, the legendary scholar in any attempt to protect the secrets he has held for so long.

"but," you continue, and coriolanus raises a brow. "i know all that stuff, yet i don't even know how many people are in your family. are you close? what was your childhood like?"

coriolanus's heart thuds. that smile he seems to permanently adorn when in your presence slips as the panic starts to set in. "the answers to those questions don't mean anything."

you frown. "you don't think so?"

"i just don't believe they add anything to our relationship. it's all pointless information."

your frows furrow, and coriolanus knows he's digging himself into a deeper and deeper hole. he doesn't understand the fight or flight response flooding his system, but it's there, is always there when anyone starts prodding into his personal life.

he's never felt guilty about his secrets before, but you're different.

"look," he says, "let's not get caught up in all that. we need to get you home before it gets too dark, and then i'll be forced to sleep on your front porch."

to his relief, you smile, eyes crinkling at the edges in that way he loves so much. "there it is. that protective streak."

"i believe it's called being a gentleman."

"oh, whatever."

and so, coriolanus walks you home, treading carefully around anything that could trigger a conversation about his home life. it's easy enough to avoid as you get lost in talking about the plant life surrounding you, so all coriolanus has to do is listen. he loves when you get like this - animated, human in a way the capitol doesn't recognise. it's a breath of fresh air. you're a breath of fresh air.

and maybe it's this realisation that convinces cirolanus to hover at your door for a little while longer. you turn to say goodbye, hands clasped in front of you, that tentative yet somehow confident smile playing at your lips.

you glance at his face, and immediately your entire demeanour shifts. his intentions - his desires - must be written all across his expression, but he doesn't even care right now. his heart is beating a hundred miles a minute, which can mean only one thing for him.

"cor. . ." you croak, sounding almost uncertain, but you don't move when he takes a step towards you. instead you let him take your hand and draw you close, so cose that the tips of your shoes touch his.

"cor," you repeat, clearer this time. "i don't want you to do anything you'll regret."

he nearly laughs. "i'll only regret it if you want me to stop."

a huff of air escapes you. "no."

"no?"

"no, i won't ask you to stop."

those words send a shiver down his spine, and before the nerves can get the better of him, he draws you closer and presses his lips to yours.

it is like fire, andd melting, and gasping for air all at the same time. he questions what he's doing even as he can't bring himself to stop, hands trailing down your sides to grab and pull your hips against his. you gasp into his mouth, and he swallows the noise, lets it drive him.

"cor," you gasp. "are you sure?"

"i'm certain," he replies, trailing his lips down your neck, a move he has never done before, but it feels right in this moment.

you cling to his shoulders. "i'm - i'm district."

he pauses, wondering if he even heard you right, because why would you say that? "i know."

you slowly straighten up, increasing the distance between you and him. "just think about this. you're a very big-shot name in the capitol. my name is barely scraping by without being buried in the dirt. most people think i'm radioactive or something."

"that's not-"

"you don't have to lie, cor. i'm not oblivious. sure, it got better when you took me under your wing, but i don't think that protection stretches as far as. . . this." you gesture between the two of you, a sheepish expression on your face that makes coriolanus angrier than he cares to admit. here he is, opening himself up to you, and you're shooting him down because of the rancid opinions of other people.

he runs a hand down the side of his face, tucking his tongue into his cheek. "okay. i didn't think that mattered."

"of course it matters. this is your name on the line, your legacy."

"there is no legacy."

you scoff, infuriating coriolanus even more.

"what?" he demands, and he doesn't mean to raise his voice, but he can't help it.

"everyone knows the snow name," you say. "as pure as snow is white, capitol through and through. that's what makes you so respected around here."

coriolanus nearly laughs; if only you knew. and maybe that's why the conversation irritates him so much - you don't know. just like everyone else, you hear his surname and assume he has no problems, that he's always had everything he's always wanted. it would never occur to you that maybe coriolanus has no food in the tiny fridge at home, that his cousin is working two insufferable jobs so he can go to school and give their family a chance. you don't know, so you assume, and that makes you just like everyone else.

coriolanus swallows and looks to the floor. "so because i'm a snow, i can't kiss who i want?"

you pause, as if the weight of your comments have finally dawned on you. "no. it's just. . . for your sake, i want you to think-"

"i have been thinking," he bursts, the anger and frustration bubbling over before he can stop it. "i've been thinking a lot, and you're right. my legacy will be ripped to shreds if i'm caught interacting with district scum like you."

the words are a bomb. for a moment, all coriolanus can hear is whistling, the rest of the world silent, as if waiting with bated breath. you stare at him, mouth slightly agape, eyes wide. sometimes soriolanus forgets that you've never seen this side to him, that you're one of the only people he lets himself be calm around.

but the damage has been done, and coriolanus recognises that the second the words are out.

you open your mouth to say something, but the silence stretches on. all you can manage is a miniscule nod, a dismissive hand wave before you turn on your heel and walk away.

desperately coriolanus wants to go after you, but he's frozen. he's shocked, shocked that he slipped so badly, that he even had the ability to hurt you at all. so he swipes a hand over his face, turns and starts the shameful trek home.

----

he tries getting you to speak to him, but nothing works.

he doesn't deserve your attention. he understands that, and he usually isn't one to chase a lost cause, but this is different. it's like he can't help himself. everytime he sees you walking through the halls, he tries to meet your eyes, tries to get you to notice him, but it doesn't work. you duck your head down and scurry away, like he's radioactive.

"what's wrong with you?"

tigris flicks his ear, startling him from whatever thoughts have sucked him into a daze this time.

he twists, slapping her hand away with a scowl. "nothing. go away."

"go away," she mimics in a high pitched, ridiculous voice. "honestly coryo, what age are we?" she sits down, folding one knee over the other and leaning close so their grandma'am can't hear. "you can talk to me. you know that."

"i've got nothing to talk about."

"that's a lie. you've been moping around this house for the past two weeks; sejanus rang and asked if you were alright because you haven't been coming down to the after school club. nothing keeps you away from the after school club."

coriolanus rolls his eyes, because that's all he can do when his cousin is making fairly good points against his argument. all of it is true, of course - he has just been moping around, because he doesn't want to do anything besides talk to you, and if he can't do that, then he's going to spend his time moping around.

he messes with the frayed fabric of his dressing gown sleeve. "i don't want you worrying about me, tigris. things are tough enough on you as it is."

tigris's chocolate eyes soften. "don't be ridiculous." she grabs his hands, tugs them into her lap. "you're my family, corio. some of the only family i have left. if i don't have you, i don't have anything, so i need you to be okay. i need you to talk to me."

he closes his eyes; those are the exact words he said to her when she was struggling only a few months before, words that once felt so true it seemed ridiculous he had to remind her of them.

he inhales shakily. "am i a bad person?"

tigris reels back. "what? no. of course not. what makes you think that?"

"just. . . my behaviour. the things i do sometimes to make myself seem. . . in control, i guess."

"like what?"

coriolanus purses his lips and doesn't reply. tigris stares at his side profile, calculating whatever it is she feels the need to calculate before she slowly leans back on her stool and says, "oh."

coriolanus closes his eyes. "don't."

"this is about y/n, isn't it?"

"how did you-"

"what happened?"

coriolanus tips his head back. "why do women always have to have the details of relationship gossip?"

tigris nearly leaps from her chair. "relationship? oh, coryo!" she grabs his hands again, pulling him close to her. "when did this happen?"

"nothing happened," coriolanus confirms. "well, nothing. . . nothing that matters anyway. we kissed."

tigris squeals, all intentions of not notifying the grandma'am forgotten to her excitement. "coryo! and you didn't think to tell me?"

"why would i tell you? i just said it doesn't matter."

"of course it matters. you haven't kissed anyone in years!"

"i've been busy-"

"you're eighteen! these are the kinds of conversations you should be having with me, not updating me on how your portfolio is coming along, or what grade you got in your last class." she leans back again, smirking. "what happened then? give me all the details."

"what happened was i lost my temper and they ran off. that's what happened."

tigris's face falls; in her excitement, she must have forgotten that coriolanus isn't quite as excited about this entire situation as she is. he tilts his head to the floor, unable to look her in the eyes right now; he wants to be alone, and yes, he has been alone the past two weeks, but he needs more time to mope, more time to figure out how in the hell he can make this right again, because not having you here is killing him, and he can't-

"oh, corio."

tigris tugs him into a hug that he does not fight against. his head falls against her shoulder, hands limp by his sides, but she doesn't let go. she strokes her fingers through his blonde hair, slowly swaying back and forth in the same way she used to do when they were kids and his nightmares would get too bad.

"what did you say to them?" she asks, voice barely above a whisper, like she's afraid of startling him if she talks too loudly.

"i called them district scum."

tigris's chest pauses for a moment as she processes the words. "why would you do that?"

he pulls away, squeezes his eyes shut. "i don't know, tigris, that's what i'm trying to figure out. that's why i'm asking if i'm a bad person or not. there was no reason for it! i just. . . got so annoyed."

"why?"

and so coriolanus tells her the whole story from start to finish, letting it push through those barriers of shame and embarrassment, because that's where he's had them kept the past two weeks. even as he recalls the details, his face heats up with self-hatred, remembering how angry he got over nothing, remembering the way your face dropped, the way your lower lip wobbled just the tiniest bit before you walked away. it's these little details that have kept him up at night, these little details that have broken his heart so much he can't even face his friends.

tigris listens with a deadpan expression. when coriolanus finishes talking, she stares as if waiting for more, but there is no more to give, not unless she wants him to spontaneously combust right in front of her.

"so there you go," he mumbles. "i'm a dick."

"well, that goes without saying," tigris replies. "and y/n hasn't spoken to you since then?"

"y/n has barely looked at me since then."

tigris is silent for a moment. and then, "you were raised better than that, coriolanus."

he closes his eyes, bites his lower lip. "i know."

"and you're smarter than this." tigris leans forward, taps his knee to get his attention. "you know what the right thing to do now is, don't you?"

he looks at her, tilts his head.

tigris rolls her eyes. "you need to apologise. you need to go over there and tell them exactly what you just told me. if i can see how guilty you feel, they definitely will." tigris takes a hold of his hands. "do you trust me?"

coriolanus nods immediately, because of course he does.

"then trust that i'm not setting you up for failure right now. you need to go over to y/n's house and make sure they listen to you. if they accept your apology, great. if not, that's completely understandable - you walk away and leave them alone. but until you've explained your side of things, this story isn't over."

----

coriolanus can't think straight.

he's arrived at your door with no plan in mind, which really isn't like him. he prides himself on organisation, on knowing exactly what points he wants to make before he's even stepped foot in the room.

but this time, he has no clue what he's actually doing.

his head hurts, but he continues to replay the words tigris said to him on a loop. she's right, of course. he needs to get his point across, needs to explain himself so you understand why he did what he did, why he is the way he is, why you'd probably be better off with someone other than him, but please don't be better off-

"coriolanus, go home."

your voice comes from the speaker drilled into the pillar he's leaning against. he flinches back, nearly stumbling over his feet in the process.

he glances around warily, narrowing his eyes at nothing.

"go home, coriolanus," you repeat. "i don't want to talk to you."

"y/n," he says, because your name has been the only thing he's been able to think about lately. "y/n, please. this is ridiculous. we're two adults."

"what does that have to do with anything?"

"we should communicate. work stuff out."

you scoff, and it's that noise that boils coriolanus's blood, the noise that set him off the last time. even now he has to bite his bottom lip to stop some snarky remark from rising to the surface, something that will only make this entire situation worse.

"there's nothing to work out. i don't want to see you. in fact, i don't want to hear from you ever again; that's all."

he curls his fingers, nipping nails into his palms. "i want to explain my side of things."

a moment of silence. finally, the buzzer goes off and the golden gates swing open.

"you have five minutes."

coriolanus doesn't waste a second. he makes the trek up to your front door, delighted to see you already standing in the doorway dressed in a fluffy green dressing gown, arms folded over your chest. you scowl at him, but coriolanus can't hold back his smile, his pure pleasure at just seeing you in the flesh, your eyes meeting his after so many weeks of you avoiding him completely. he tries to ignore the red rims around those eyes, too scared to admit he may be the reason behind them.

"y/n," he says again.

"coriolanus."

"thank you for meeting with me."

you roll your eyes. "this isn't a meeting, cor. you're going to say what you have to say, and then you're going to leave me alone." you glance down at your bare wrist. "did i mention you have five minutes?"

he hollows out his cheeks, trying to think of the best place to start. he has so much to say, so much to explain that it's nearly impossible to organise it into one coherent speech, but he has to try. he has to get this right.

"okay," he begins, voice already shaky. "first of all, i think it's important that you understand how terribly sorry i am for what i said. i just. . . i lost my temper. i felt rejected and embarrassed, and i took it out on you. it was wrong. it was childish. it was uncalled for, and i'm sorry."

okay, apology out of the way.

"i've never felt this way about anyone," he continues. "i wanted so badly for it to work between us, but then you said all that stuff about my legacy and the snow name and i just. . . i don't know, y/n. i just panicked and let my temper get the better of me. i've never known how to handle my emotions any differently."

you stare at him, but he doesn't know what else to say. he's given you his truth, far more than anyone else in his life has ever received. all he can do now is hope you accept it, hope you can see just how genuine he is being.

after a moment, you look away, swipe your tongue across your lower lip, and coriolanus doesn't know if this is a good thing or not. he's never seen you look so. . . unbothered, almost, and that's what gets to him. you've always been so full of emotion, so ready for anything, yet right now you're staring at him like there's nothing left for you to give, like you've given up.

he swallows thickly. "please say something."

"i don't know what you want me to say, cor," you croak. "you called me district scum. do you know how hard that is to hear? my home - my district - was destroyed. my family and friends were wiped out in seconds. i would take being district scum over that any day, but here i am, trying to make ends meet, and trying to fit in with your. . . your type, and you just throw it back in my face like that."

he closes his eyes. "y/n. . ."

"because it's so easy for you," you continue, voice rising. "you can hurt other people's feelings as much as you want and face no consequences, because you're a snow."

his eyes snap open, that fury he struggles to control rising to the surface. "i've just told you-"

"it doesn't matter what you tell me. you've showed me how that surname protects you. you looked me in the eye, called me district scum, and now you're here, expecting me to forgive you just because."

"that's not how i wanted it to come across."

"but that's how it is."

"why are you just assuming? is it not possible for you to believe that my apology is sincere?"

you shrug, crossing your arms over your chest. "whether it is or it isn't, i don't accept it." you glance at your bare wrist again, the action making coriolanus's heart shatter. "your five minutes is up."

and with that, you step back into your house and shut the door, leaving coriolanus alone on your doorstep.

----

"how could they just do that to you?" sejanus asks, shaking his head as if in disgust. "you apologised!"

coriolanus shrugs, taking a sip of the too-strong coffee sejanus was kind enough to buy him, no questions asked. "it was humiliating."

"and you two had already kissed before this?"

"yep."

sejanus inhales sharply, tries hiding it by sipping from his own coffee mug. "that's tough."

"it is tough," morales says, sitting on sejanus's left with three plates worth of food stacked beside him. "but it just comes to show that the districts don't know what they're missing. in my opinion, y/n's made a big mistake not accepting your apology; it just means they're going to have to grapple for some respect for even longer, if they can even gain respect on their own."

coriolanus's stomach twists, but he says nothing. these are the kinds of comments he's been quietly listening to for the past two weeks, unable to respond lest his friends think he's let you won.

after the rejection, coriolanus knew he needed to get back to the way things were. he continued trying to get your attention, but in a much more subtle way, never letting his capitol friends see his eagerness, his excitement whenever you walked in a room. however, the hardest part of it all is trying not to show his anger when they make comments like this, comments they expect him to agree with because he is just like them, has always been just like them.

sejanus does the arguing for him, which he appreciates.

"don't be so small minded," sejanus snaps. "you forget i'm district, too."

"hardly," morales scoffs. "your family has always had the capitols back. y/n on the other hand. . ."

coriolanus curls his fingers beneath the table. "can we talk about something else? this really is a pointless conversation."

"i agree," sejanus quips. "i find talking to ignorant people quite unproductive."

"oh for-"

"did you just call me ignorant?"

morales stands, chair scraping against the tiled floor. coriolanus sighs, dipping his head into his hands as sejanus rises to meet morales face-to-face. around them, the dining room grows quiet, all heads turning in their direction; coriolanus scans the area for a quick, subtle get away, but comes up short.

he's going to have to step in.

slowly he stands, places a hand on sejanus's chest. "calm down, boys."

"no way; this little bastard thinks he can say whatever he wants just because he's different. well, i've had enough, and i'm not putting up with it any more!" morales exclaims.

coriolanus nearly laughs, but manages to hold it in. morales was born to very, very rich and protected parents, very high up in the capitol. his family spent their time in a bunker during the war, probably don't know the extents of what happened above ground to this day. imagining morales trying to fight a man like sejanus is almost impossible.

"yes, i'm sure you'll put him right in his place," coriolanus drawls. "but time and place, men, time and place. let's leave this little tiff for later, alright?"

morales meets his eyes, fury still building behind his dark irises. coriolanus merely raises a brow, and a moment later, morales has grumbled some obscenities beneath his breath, swatted a cup off the table, and stormed out.

the dining room erupts back into it's usual chatter, and coriolanus sits down to finish his coffee.

sejanus sighs, sitting next to him. "there it is. the coriolanus we all know and love."

"that entire argument was pointless," coriolanus grumbles. "i wish you two would have a bit more common sense than to start a scene in the middle of the dining room."

"i wasn't going to do anything," sejanus replies. "i knew you would step in eventually."

coriolanus rolls his eyes, but can't help the tiny smile that arises. at least that was a moment of normalcy, a moment where he could present his best self without feeling like a fraud.

sejanus nudges him. "i think you impressed some people, too."

he turns towards where sejanus is motioning, and his heart flips at the sight of you staring right at him. you don't even look away when your eyes meet his, though you make no move towards him, either. coriolanus offers the tiniest smile, a test of the waters, but you simply purse your lips and go back to the conversation taking place at your table.

still, it's something. a taste of interaction coriolanus hasn't been granted in weeks.

"be honest with me, coryo."

coriolanus forces himself to look at sejanus, to take his eyes off you for a moment. "hm?"

"are you still trying to make things work with y/n?"

coriolanus freezes. if anyone else had asked him that question, he would immediately put on the mask, laugh, call them ridiculous for thinking he would waste his time with something such as romance. but this is sejanus, the man who is a little bit smarter than the rest of his friends, a little bit more grounded, a little bit more present. chances are, he's been watching coriolanus closely, picking up on all the subtle marks coriolanus has been trying desperately to hide the past few weeks. would lying even be worth it?

it doesn't matter. sejanus takes his momentary silence as answer enough, tilts his head with a tiny smile.

"i thought so."

coriolanus folds his arms upon the table, deflating. "you think it's ridiculous."

"i think it's romantic," sejanus corrects. "it's been a long time since i've seen you pursue something. . . worthwhile."

coriolanus scoffs. "my education hardly isn't worthwhile. i have a future to still work towards."

"and do you want that future to include y/n?"

"yes. of course."

he says it so quickly, because of course. from the day he met you, no part of him ever wanted to be away from you, even on the worst days. it was a comfortable feeling, like slipping under warm covers after a long day in the cold. it wasn't a question, never something to be debated. from day one, you slotted into his idea of a future so perfectly, it was as if he knew you from birth.

and it's that realisation that makes him look over at you again. you've still got your head down, scribbling furiously in that little notebook that is always bulging out of your blazer pocket. he never asked what you write in it, but now he wonders if it's your thoughts and feelings, how many times his name appears, if you'll ever let him have a look.

but he'll never know, not if he doesn't put the effort in now, not if he continues letting everything else get in the way.

he looks to sejanus and receives only the tiniest smile, but it's all the encouragement coriolanus needs. without another word, he stands up and heads in your direction.

the minute you look up and see him walking towards you, your face drops. it breaks coriolanus's heart, but he keeps advancing, this new-found desperation driving him. you stand and make for the exit, prompting him to shout your name before making haste to catch up to you.

with the two of you in the near empty corridors, coriolanus has a chance to get your attention properly. he quickens just enough to grab your wrist and whirl you around to look at him, and it's then that he spots the tears trailing down your cheeks, then that his whole world seems to crumble around him. are those tears because of him? has he upset you even more, or do you miss him in the same treacherous way he misses you?

there is a brief moment of silence where he can do nothing but stare at you. you stare right back, which he supposes is a good sign, even if your eyes are filled with tears, and your hands are trembling, and you are yet to say a word. you're not running away. you're not cursing his name and leaving him to wallow in rejection again.

finally, he breaks the silence. "y/n."

your name. always just your name, like his brain can't come up with anything else to start a conversation.

your lower lip trembles. "what do you want, coriolanus?"

"you know what i want." he steps forward, fingertips brushing yours. "i miss you."

you close your eyes, releasing a shaky breath. "please don't say that."

"but i mean it," he presses. "i miss you, y/n l/n, district or not. i don't give a shit about my name, or what you will do to my legacy. i want you to understand me how i want to understand you."

"there's nothing to understand-"

"that's where you're wrong. that's where you've been wrong this entire time." he runs a hand through his blonde curls, trying to stay as calm as possible. he doesn't want to get ahead of himself, doesn't want to ruin yet another opportunity to make this right.

"it's partly my fault," he continues. "i never told you the truth about where i'm from, how my life has panned out since my father passed away. i kept the mask up with you like how i've done with everyone else, but i want that to change. i want to. . . i want you to understand me, y/n."

again, your lower lip trembles, and coriolanus can't help but reach out and brush a fingertip across your chin. your breath falters at the touch, making him realise this is the first time he's touched you like this in . . . forever. he's kissed your lips and held your hand, but not once has he ever allowed himself to be so careful, so meaningful with his touches.

not until now. not until you showed you're capable of breaking, that you need a delicate touch every now and then, too.

"i don't want to be stupid here, cor," you whisper. "all i have here is my dignity. i can't throw that away by forgiving the person who hurt me so badly."

coriolanus shakes his head, eyes drifting closed against his will. "i know i hurt you. i thought about it every day, beat myself up about it, asked myself why i am the way that i am." he inhales. "the way that i was, because this whole ordeal. . . nearly losing you . . . it's changed me, y/n. it's made me realise what's important, and it isn't my reputation, or my legacy, or impressing the right people." he opens his eyes, meets your own. "it's you. you're what's important."

your tears well up yet again, a fresh wave to accompany the ones that haven't even dried on your cheeks yet. coriolanus's chest squeezes, and it takes every fiber of his being not to draw you close to him, to hold you in the way he always so desperately craves. he doesn't know if that is allowed yet, if his words weigh enough for you to trust him like that again.

so he waits for the signal. he lets you take the reigns, watching your every move as you ponder on what he has just said, your own position in this situation. he listens to the hustle and bustle of the students now rushing from their classrooms as the bell for lunch sounds overhead, but coriolanus can barely hear it over the sound of his own heartbeat.

and then you take a step closer to him, a tentative one, prey approaching predator. slowly, you lift your hands and readjust the wonky top button on his dress shirt, and for a second, coriolanus panics that you may recognise it isn't made of one hundred percent silk, that it isn't brand new and freshly pressed by the best designers to grace the capitol.

but then you tug him closer, and he forgets everything.

your lips meet his, so different to the kiss from before. this one is slow, uncertain almost, but a promise that there will be a next time. he wraps his arms around your waist, tugging you closer and closer, if that is even possible. your own hands wind around his neck, as if afraid he's going to leave again.

never. never again. he promises that much to any higher being who will listen. this right here is all he needs to feel alive and normal, and when alive and normal is all he's ever wanted, why would he throw it away?

you pull away when it becomes clear that coriolanus has no intention of being the one to do so. a small smile graces your perfect lips, forehead dipped against his own. when you speak, your voice is breathless, tired, a whisper that sends a shiver down his spine.

"let's try this again."

he laughs, pecking your lips one last time. "take two."

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