musings & art

asiuen ・ she / her ・ 20↑

[asiuen]

i’m asiuen, a slavic lesbian who sometimes indulges in drawing ✦ directory

　› illustration :: main / doodles :: polished sketches

　› musings :: opinions / asiuenoc :: original characters

　› enamoured :: shipping / inspiration :: art senpais

i do not associate with nfts of any kind; using my work in ai training is strictly prohibited !

[asiuen]

it is so lovely to see your sona again!

elegant lady is such a perfect sentiment which, as someone who has silently followed, feel remained another consistency to blushed alkahest

⟡ · inquiry; anonymous

oh my this is such a sweet message to return to < 33 haha i would never expect my sona is a memorable individual whatsoever so i’m really flattered !!

i know white + pink often equals coquette and it’s valid to assume so, but concepts such as girl dinner or i’m just a girl are very foreign personally… éclair is a government official and a scholar, and whilst it could be a nice contrast to such serious occupations, the fact that it’s a sona and therefore me of some sorts, i couldn’t help but try to establish a more fitting narrative. blush pink academia it is !

her elegance is neither rigid nor intimidating, rather a soothing force that maintains equilibrium. she can be a bit confused by the common folk but tries her best to fit in !! stupefaction can easily be concealed performing social etiquette rituals ー

[asiuen]

tbd. i feel like a fraud for developing a personal aesthetic this late. i’ve been indecisive most of my life but when i gained more life experience things just started to form a clear image ? i still feel it’s not developed enough but maybe it will be as time passes.

the only consistent variable was corruption of some kind flooding my sona. back then she was a witch with flesh rotting from the inside we’ve all been an edgy 15yo after all but now she turned a benevolent feline with overflowing cerebral fluid. alkahest symbolises the ability to dissect [ dissolve ] everything but the weight of such processes is extremely exhausting.

blush pink academia / ragdoll cat / hearth and home / homunculus / may the knowledge guide

[asiuen]

⟡ · éclairlogue; silhouette

whilst recent body discoveries cause overall bitterness, i think i’m ready to romanticise a bit as a form of healing. surgery becomes more distant as i’ll be trying certain treatment that requires a lot of work to get my parameters right first. difficult, but i’ll gladly work towards a goal that can permanently reduce the amount of androgen receptors and the harm they cause. i will need a lot of rest afterwards though. and i’m being careful about which clinic i entrust my body to. safety first.

i feel that thicc is a very specific word that doesn’t quite describe eclair’s body. thicc would mean something sexually attractive and she’s not… really… because it’s me ? not because i’m opposed to the idea, quite the contrary, but certain anatomical facts are mildly visible and if anything they decrease the sex market value quite significantly.

high hips explain a lot; the lack of crotch gap prominent. pelvis has a strict and rigid closed conformation that screams access denied ! but comfortingly, it strongly reminds of marilyn because of the waist to hip ratio. the presence of waist is strange and confusing; incredibly short and dramatic from the bust down but quickly ending in high hip and soft tummy.

there is a feeling of softness. medium to bigger chest that serves a focal point to every outfit composition. nothing to be jealous of; but visible and that what counts. shoulders unfortunately wider due to unnaturally long clavicle bone combined with a specific joint tilt that rounds them up. overall, a body that invites leisure activities and provides a gentle support.

be warned, autoteratophilic tendencies may occur due to venting ! there is comfort in monstrosity.

visualisations will be a mix of current image and possible surgery results. i hope to defend in june so i’ll have lot of time to draw and i have some good ideas. i think providing a guide of éclair vs normal is pivotal and will provide proper understanding. a small dream to save up for commissions so i can see a bit of myself in others’ eyes.

[asiuen]

hopefully not an imposing sentiment from a stranger. feel free to ignore or whatnot. whilst medical aspects are another thing it actually surprised me you felt visually masculine - you have one of the most feminine and curvy silhouettes, and has always exuded such femme aura ¿ the experience of lacking girlhood is a whole other winter, esp social cues and medical misses. but hopefully not a weird gentle solaced letter to you that your silhouette is so attractively femme. wishing you a gentler journey, and hope you will land somewhere soft too one day.

tw: ed, menstruation, huge tmi because i’m kinda weird

thank you so much for this, anon. i guess irl losses caused my brain to spiral more than usual and this message stopped the self sabotaging.

truth to be told, visually wise i’ve never been called masculine; it’s because associating my build with masc features requires in depth medical knowledge and it was always passed as something else. like telling me to lose weight while i was actually underweight because android fat placement creates the illusion; girls my age had gynoid placement and bone structure so i naturally compared. i could never relate to the “i’m curvy and people view me sexually so i want to be as thin as possible so my features disappear and nobody will ever be inappropriate towards me” in ed spaces as well. i’ve always felt like i’m not desirable in any way.

i’ve always felt something was wrong with me and now that i have answers i feel both doomed and validated. not a big defect, nothing so severe i can’t live a normal life but significant enough to explain my unnatural structure and complications of such build.

socially i am reconciling with being on the androgynous side. i have both perspectives, it has it perks. but…

i’ve never seen a girl do that / you have a brain of a man / it’s for girls so i don’t expect you to understand / are you sure you’re female ?

it messed with my head a lot i think. and as i crave logical associations i became hyper aware of the male components.

i feel our relationship with biology is deeply personal. had someone else been in my shoes maybe they wouldn’t care ? since i don’t want to have children anyways. i’ve heard women complaining about dysmenorrhea and saying that they wouldn’t mind having the uterus removed bc they don’t want kids and the pain sucks. and i am forever shocked and jealous because even when i was shitting my guts out and crying on the toilet it has never occurred to me to wish for it to stop. because a Female Thing happens to me and that’s a miracle i’m grateful for everyday. but again, it’s a matter of confidence in expression. i’m painless now so i’m good, huge win

thank you again. surgery will happen because i just want to do a thing for myself ? and maybe pride myself in actively seeking improvement of my situation. my friends are having tattoos and piercings done meanwhile i’m like… can i has gynoid features please ? and it definitely won’t make me feel worse, but if it makes me significantly better ? we’ll see. ppl on reddit have been supportive and i even got called figure 8 under my body pic ! damn it made me emotional —

[asiuen]

⟡ · personal sodium

i don’t have an issue with audience since i draw solely for myself now, but from time to time i lurk on social media and i end up quite exasperated.

i like women, i like women with big boobs especially. but i’m so, so exhausted with the polarised attitude that surrounds the matter. a character with big chest gets either by default labelled as nsfw or brings a crusade of puritans exclaiming most accusatory words. as if said boobs had a personality of their own and were therefore judged and sentenced for crimes committed in the audience’s head.

it’s a body feature. that’s all to it. two fat sacks adorned with a mammary gland that naturally sag. i don’t understand why there must be so much background beneath. especially among women i feel, i haven’t ever encountered a woman with big chest who liked having big chest. i’m not talking about pain ofc it’s just… they all complain that they feel vulgar when curvy. women in chic elegant spaces claim big chest can never be elegant by default. i fist my hair at witnessing this nonsense.

i understand my take may come from ignorance. as a medium chest owner [ 70G ] i’ve never been sexualised or paid attention to so i can’t empathise with such feelings. but i’m irked by the pressure that if i want to be a woman i must want to erase my chest and hate it because it can be an object of sexual desire. that me drawing big chested women means i’m degrading, objectifying and fetishising them. that i’m automatically a man if i find them attractive.

i will continue drawing for the male gaze if that’s what it is. i cater to anybody but myself and if i’m apparently male for this then so be it. i just don’t get the fuss, its unnecessary in my opinion and it creates tension and chaos over a simple feature.

[asiuen]

tbd. aaa happy revelations

i’m postponing eclair official ref bc idk what can be achievable so i finally got courage to join reddit and —

putting myself out there like this is definitely scary but i was met with a lot of understanding. i got to a point where i’m sure my decisions aren’t caused by distorted self perception. i appreciate trusting my judgement and meeting my unvoiced concerns. it’s not as simple where the cause is anatomy that won’t change. i can just work around it.

anyways sb called me a figure 8 imma cri ;;; i hope i can become full 8 after surgery !!!! also the fact that basically nobody regrets this procedure is encouraging af. i’m making a good decision i know it.

[asiuen]

✤・noisette nichtozhnost

tbd. since my gnshn acc is mostly old men yaoi seggs i’ll explore my genshin sona here.

her and éclair are two sides of the same coin but not in a sun vs moon way; instead the cumulation of pivotal experiences and characteristics peak on different sides of the spectrum.

fatui deserter formerly in love with her empress. abyss corruption taking over her hands as she had to literally dig her way up to the surface. corruption should be slowly destroying her yet she… thrives on it, in a strange way ? it’s necessary to her survival.

heterochromia. despite not being blind she perceives the world through the lens of the corruption; right eye stays open during her burst as the world becomes black and white and enemies’ weak points are visible. in everyday life she compensates by having an acute hearing and being sensitive to touch.

phantom tail painfully reminding her of what could’ve been. but alas, may she find home in mond by durin and albedo’s side.

[asiuen]

⟡ · éclairlogue, gait

since columbina’s release i couldn’t help but to ponder on how éclair would walk. since her and bina share some similar vibes, i was considering ebbs / ripples for a while. but that wouldn’t suit her, no. unlike columbinaa, éclair is grounded to the world, her lack of belonging stemming from understanding the ruling principles differently, not ephemerality. she walks with the gravity of the responsibility bestowed upon her.

that friend of yours looks so comfortable on the surface; you on the other hand walk like you were on thin ice all the time

and then i remembered… a non-newtonian fluid. viscosity thickens upon stress, treat it with gentleness and it will get runny.

she is grounded and despite hesitance she strides confidently with a bit too much force. for safety. for if she slowly down the ground itself will swallow her, both metaphorically and literally. she does get swallowed sometimes. but without anyone looking.

[asiuen]

✤・musings

irl events and finding a very inspiring artist on twt emboldened the idea of putting my sona in suggestive arts. i’ve never had a space where i could explore being an allosexual so i’m creating it now ?

it’s not an invitation for erp or anything, i just wanna be funny and a bit suggestive ? the way i’d be to a friend. since sona is a vessel it puts a comfortable distance and i want to take advantage of it.

there might be some pin-up inspired arts in the future as i try to navigate around my dysphoria. i made some decisions that postpone any change that happens to my body so i’m just saving up for surgery. it’s still a long road to get even halfway there, i want to be kinder to myself.

[asiuen]

✤・stress is bad for the baby !

i drew this awful man once and I am not going to let the world forget it ! @asiune for dottolone & gnshin rambles maybe

[asiuen]

✤・ooc ? tbd

i want to end this year on a positive note; forgiveness towards myself. my endeavours never had any chance of succeeding and it’s time i reconciled with it. capitalistic ideals force us to believe that with the right amount of investment and dedication everything can happen. i know now that it only brings destruction and burnout; i will never recover from exerting myself this way.

i am what i’ve always been. i’m only myself; nothing more, nothing less.

i will burn the checklist along with my expectations. i am not starting with stricte a blank canvas as what happened shaped the person i am today but what i was supposed and what i wanted to be… it will be abandoned.

it’s a matter of time that i fade away into nothingness. i don’t mind. the reason i exist in this world is something i will never accept; even if it means isolation and burning bridges.

[asiuen]

✤・grus japonensis

softy wishing for at least a bit of prosperity in the creative department. i’ve learned long ago that exertion does not help at all and i just have to take it slow. even if it takes literal years.

i’m not able to spent enough time stalling because of my current lifestyle. i deeply mourn every wasted opportunity as it’s all in my head, if i feel good and refreshed it shows on my work. hard to feel refreshed when medical university is looming over me.

i miss him so much, i doodle but i feel deep in my heart i have to give him the best i got. i already made progress with the reference as illustrator makes it all tremendously easier.

the plan is simple, to push my education as far as i can so i can settle down, find a job and take my time nurturing my babies. and hopefully get commissions. lots and lots of them… i already plan a special shelf in my wardrobe to physically store them all. i hope i can make it. i have to.

[asiuen]

enamoured :: if boyfriend dangerous then why so smol & cute ? aaaa i finally had some time for myself so a blog has been made @saitens < 33 a place for my rambles and doodles [ so many wips... ] and i would be very grateful if you dropped asks if you want ! I need to organise my thoughts better and it helps uwu anything goes, no matter how trivial or out of topic !

[asiuen]

in progress :: adult itsuki wip !! i discovered blocking reblogs so i’ll post wips here and hopefully i’ll be more active — hopefully i’ll finish it soon and give my best boi the attention he deserves < 33

[asiuen]

asiuenoc :: risqué mochiko, seems that the bra is slipping off ?? her wife is surely a lucky one hehe

[asiuen]

doodles :: a round househusband inspired by lovely @horchatachinchilla, thank you for sharing thicc!kyon brainrot with me < 33