The posters were everywhere, most of the Agency had joined them so surely it was the right option. The small girl called Skye was running a prison and she’s part of Ghost so they must be the bad ones, right? Delilah looked down at her upper left arm, the Shadow insignia that they’d fused with her raincoat was prominent. Shadow’s agents looked mean and strong but really they were all just ordinary people trying to make a difference. I mean, her job was the same as before, just cook food and grill burgers. Only difference being that everyone was friendly and helped each other out. She had a few people come up to her and ask if she needed any help with shooting a gun, they showed her how to properly aim, hold a gun properly, and the best points to hit to immobilise a target, Turns out Del isn’t a bad shot, she hit the head of the target about 14 times out of the 32 bullets that she shot. Not bad for someone who flips burgers every day.
The rain gently pelted her umbrella, puddles forming in the potholes and dips in the road. She looked up at the blinding neon lights of the empty city, only the sound of beeping horns and engines whirring could be heard. “Is this life now? We pick sides and those who don’t just fuel the fire. Am I going to get shot just for being part of Shadow now?” She pondered so many different questions, the main question was “Will we be safe?” ‘We’ referring to Aldusa and herself. If people found out about her working for Shadow, would they go after Al to get to her? I mean, Aldusa can perfectly handle herself in a fight but the constant fighting and protecting would tire her out, what if she was sick of it? What if she just gave Del to Ghost? Aldusa just wants to live a quiet life… Would all the fighting tip her over the edge? Too many questions. She shook them off and carried on walking in the rain. Del just kept walking, no sense of direction, she couldn’t stop thinking about every scenario. People already hated her, she hasn’t always been the cheery burger flipper that everyone knows. Her past encounters with people have been a mix of aggression and monotonous conversations, being an orphan, you tend to figure things out for yourself. She’d always had this idea in her head that no one wanted to help her, so it was up to her to help herself. Delilah didn’t need pity, at least not back then. What she did, she did for herself and only herself. Regardless of how people felt or what they did afterwards, she never felt remorse.
It’s different now. She has a few friends, a lover, two father figures, and a few pets. Life was great, but when you get some time to think about the past, you fall down a rabbit hole of memories that make you feel a lot different than they did in the past. Here, with only the sound of rain and cars, this was when she started to remember the past. Delilah felt oddly angry, not at some random person but at herself. How could she have acted like that, why did she hurt so many people that just wanted to be her friend. It wasn’t right. That’s not who she is, she’s a nice person. She’s kind! …Right? Delilah began to doubt herself over and over, was she really the happy and friendly person that she always believed she was?
Del turned the corner into an alleyway. There was cover from the rain above so she pulled her umbrella back in, drying it off before putting it under her arm. Wandering down the alley, she made her way past many a folk, some young some old, some just trying to get by each day. Rather than try and help, she just walked. Maybe if she was more caring then she’d have stopped to see if she could help but… no. Sometimes, maybe it’s just better to accept who you’ve become than try and turn back into someone you’re not. Maybe… You never really changed at all, you just put up a facade and made people believe that’s who you really are…
She tried to shake it off again but her thoughts were shouting, screaming at this point. All she wanted was to apologise… But even that might’ve been a lie, what her heart wants and what her brain hears are separate things and it’s all just one big fuck up.
Delilah stepped out into the rain, no umbrella this time. The cold chill from the droplets was calming, it helped to ease the stress but the thoughts were always there. So many… All screaming at once… Only being muffled by her lies. The rain picked up, she wanted to pop up her umbrella again but there was no point. She was already soaked so might as well just keep on trudging. The neon durr burger in the distance was almost like a beacon to her, Delilah ran as fast as she could towards it, only to be disappointed when it was just an old advertisement for the now out of business food chain. The only thing that she was holding out hope for was that Aldusa would still be there when she got home. Seeing her smile when she walked in the door, watching as she pulled Del into her arms and held her close. The warmth from the chest, that’s all she wanted to happen when she got home. Wherever home was now. She was lost. Emotionally and physically. Was she supposed to be happy? Sad? Remorseful? Angry? Who even was she anymore? Delilah, the burger flipper? Or Delilah, the Shadow agent? Or just… Delilah? Even that name hurt her, she didn’t want to be her anymore, all she wanted to do was start over. Maybe then she could do this all differently, if she got to this exact same point but without hurting all those people… Maybe then she wouldn’t have to lie to everyone. The lies were being washed away by the rain, her tears were masked by the water as she looked up at the neon lights again, taking a seat on a nearby bench. She wanted to call Aldusa, to hear her voice, to listen as her words warmed up her heart, but her phone was dead. No money for a payphone or a taxi, no way of contacting her lover, she got up and sat under a bus shelter. She’d find her way home somehow, perhaps once her mind let her go from all the bad thoughts Del would actually know what to do.
For now though, all she could do was rest.
And hope that it would all be over in the morning.
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