Ask Commander Up

All right boys and girls, I'm Commander Up. In the rehabilitation center, I learned a lot about solving problems. So, here I am, ready to pass on my newfound knowledge to you! Oh, and about those rumors... I do NOT pee pee sitting down. I pee pee like a big boy, deadgoddamnit! [And a special thanks to AskMegaGirl, who started the AskStarshipRangers blogs, and to those at StarKidPotter, who are the Dr. Space-Claws of the whole operation.]

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Not only do I like your blog (haha I found it) but I also am OBSESSED with you secretly. Ok here we go.. I got this idea from a Tumblr spam I got once lol.. I think you like me too and you were always too shy to admit it :3 go to crushmatches(dõt)com (wtf it wont let me link regular) and make an account there. Then look up the profile 'gottagetme19' (me obviously) I left body pictures.. if you can guess who I am hit me up and we'll hang soon. You need a C C but its free

taz, we talked about this

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Commander, I have a problem... this guy I've liked since (forever) never seems to like me back, but now he does (I think), and it's confusing.... do you have any advice?

Boys sure are confusing creatures, ain't they? Hm, well if you still like this guy, and he now (maybe?) likes you back, then I would say go for it! It's summertime, and what's wrong with a little summer fun? Try to find out if he's actually interested through your oldest friends, or just try askin' him out yourself. He'll sure be impressed with you takin' the initiative! It's all about confidence, you see. Take a few moments to prepare yourself in your good 'ole confidence mirror, and then you'll be able to sweep him off his feet! 

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Hiya commander! I was just wondering if you had some advice? It is my dream to go study on another planet, or even galaxy, but I don't have enough space-bucks! And I can't apply for many scholarships because I'm not from any of those planets :( But it's always been my dream to do this! Please help!

Ah, those damn space-bucks! I ain't no expert about college finance, but I did a bit of research online and found a few sites that could help you out, Soldier. I'm sorry I ain't able to do much, but I don't want to mislead you, darlin'! 

eHow to Raise Money for College

**101 Ways to Pay for College**

If any of my lovely followers has advice for this anon, send me a message and I'll be sure to pass it on! 

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Hi Commander Up, I'm having a problem, you see I'm suppose to go off to space-college next year but i'm really nervous that I won't get accepted. Also, I want to stay on my planet but I also want to go off and see the galaxy. Any advice?

My years at space-college were some of the best of my life! It's completely normal to have butterflies in your tummy 'round acceptance time, but keep in mind that there is a space-college out there for every little ranger that is eager to learn. Sometimes, it ain't necessarily your first choice, but wherever you end up, I can almost ensure you that you'll find something to love about it! 

And you have mixed feelings about distance, huh? I would advise you to go off and see the galaxy! Of course you'll feel nervous, maybe even a little scared, but you can always go back home to your planet for holidays. Goin' to space-college is the perfect opportunity to try livin' someplace new.

Good luck with your decision, my dear! 

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You can probably buy penises on eBay.

Oh? I've always been directed towards this nice little underground shop called "The Land of Dicks," but I'll check out eBay, too. Thanks, Ranger! 

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You know what Commander? I think you're the toughest son of a gun around, cause you pee pee like a big boy and only real men would be able to say - out loud - that the Sir I wanna buy these shoes, Christmas song makes them cry. It's a sad song. Stay tough Commander.

Y-you... You really thing so? My dear... That's one of the dead goddamn nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Maybe if you explain this to my Lieutenant Taz, she won't punch me in the mug and make me cry anymore! And I could keep my mustache after all! 

I will stay tough, Soldier. I am tough, and I've always been tough! 

Ompff! And I think I found my new mantra. 

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What's your favorite thing about being a Starship Ranger?

My favorite thing about bein' a Starship Ranger? Hm, that's tough! Well, for starters, I guess I could say that my favorite thing is being able to live and work with my oldest and most best of friends! What could be better than one huge, extended sleepover--in space?! Ain't nothin', I can tell you that! We get to sing and dance together, have tequila taztimes together, and kick candy ass together on dead goddamn awesome missions. Life is good when you're a Starship Ranger, my dear!

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Hey, Up, old buddy old pal! Whenever you retire from bein' the tough son of a bitch commander of this here ship, who do you think you'd recommend for the job? Just remember, we fought side by side during the robot wars we're both victims of the robot's circular buzz saw. (;

Matt, my boy! It's good to hear from you again, Ranger! As I'm allowed to recommend a few people for the job, of course you'd be in the running. I've already been working on a few applications, but don't get ahead of yourself! I may be soft and cracked like an old leather saddle, and ridden just as hard, but I've still got a spring in my step (and a limp). And let me tell you, my dear--yours is sparkling! It is filled with stories of our fabulous work together, before and after the robot wars, from your time with a smokin' hot zapper to the long days of recovery at the rehabilitation center with your dear old commander. I may not have the final say, but I can assure you that Dr. Space Claw will seriously consider you for the job, boy! He always likes a ranger that can get the dead goddamned job done. 

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Have you had sex with Taz yet?

Happy Tequila Taz Tuesday! 

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When did you first tell Taz you loved her?! (And if you haven't when will you?!)

Well, I told her I loved her first thing this morning--as I do every morning for each of my sleepy-eyed rangers! Back at the rehabilitation center, the hospital staff greeted us every morning with hugs and kisses. It did wonders for me and my big damn heart, so I couldn't help but bring the tradition onto my ship. 

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UP UP. You and Taz, eh? EH? EH? Oh by the way, just in case you didn't know, I'm Lemony! It's good to see you again! How are you doing?

Hello there, my dear Lemony! It is good to see your beautiful face 'round this ship again. Why don't you take a sit on this here lap and I'll tell you all about my latest adventures--in space!--and what that no-good Junior has been up to. 

But first, it is my commander duty to check up on dedicated, hard-workin' soldiers like you. So, while you're here, tell me how you are doin'! In the meantime, I can blatantly ignore anything about Taz and myself.

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can you pwease answer more questions?

Is that an order, Captain? 'Cuz I thought I was the one who was deadgoddamned in charge around here! 

But since you asked nicely... 

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Commander, I'm sure you had a gaggle of girls after you while you were at the academy. How did you handle having so much attention from lovestruck girls?

You sure guessed right, my dear! After I started growin' my mustache at the tender age of twelve (I went through puberty faster than a damn bean plant after a good month of rain), I couldn't keep 'em off! I was like a deadgoddamned bitch in heat--I had all the neighborhood dogs pantin' after me. 

How did I handle all the attention, you ask? I didn't have to! I just had the ladies fight it out amongst themselves. And if there wasn't a clear winner, we didn't fuss. I had more than enough room on my lap for a few! 

Of course, now it's all a bit different. It's probably because of the lack of genuine facial hair, but the ladies ain't flockin' no more. 

Not that it's a problem.

Because I'm taken.

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Up!! Where are you?

I was lost... in space!

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Good to hear that, I'm not the forgetting type either ~ I'm sure as hell not goin' senile yet. Don't worry about rushing those mission plans, Commander, you can count on me to be on call if you need me. Things are a bit weird if I'm honest. We've got a.... depressed robot. People keep turnin' up who I thought were long dead, some of 'em nice, some of them.... it's plain awkward. Hmmgh. Have yourself a, uh, good Tuesday. Your lieutenant sounds pretty feisty, heheh.

A depressed robot? Why, my boy, that's the worst thing there is! I got a bit of an old-timer's secret for you--it's what I tell all my rangers when they're feelin' a little blue. The world always looks a little brighter from on top of a lap! So, if you can handle it, git that scary robot up on top of them beautiful legs of yours and give it some good ole Snake-lovin'. Hopefully, that'll be enough to turn that robotic frown upside-down!

Robotic or not, I can't handle seein' tears.

And people returning from the dead? That sounds a whole heap of a lot like when I found out that my oldest friend, Bug, was actually a bug! It's a long story, but my rangers and I all thought that sonuvabitch was a regular Joe when he was blown to smithereens in space. Thank the dead god he turned out to be just fine and dandy--and an insect! Ain't that a surprise? I guess all I can say is plan some team-building activities to git rid of that awkwardness. Like trust falls! That'll warm y'all up to one another in no time. 

My lieutenant's the deadgoddamn feistiest one there is. You mess with her and I can promise that you'll get a hearty glob of pico de gallo in that good eye of yours. But you're tough. I'm sure y'all will git along great.

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What's your favorite thing about Taz?

The fact that she's so deadgoddamned tough! 

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So, uh.... how's the.... Starship Ranger-ing going?

Oh, hey! Why if it ain't my oldest friend--Snake! Things are goin' just fine, my dear. More than fine, actually. Tequila Taz Tuesday is tonight! My trusty lieutenant and lover, Taz, is doin' a bit of a pre-game, if you know what I mean... She's already threatened half the damn crew with her zapper and the night is still young, my friend! 

How are things goin' down in your corner of the universe? I'm still layin' out plans for our mission, Ranger. I may be a bit past my prime, but I ain't the forgettin' type--you can count on that!