Santana: okay, clearly you don't understand how blackmail works. I have no idea what happened to put me on your blacklist but I don't care.
Santana: I have something I want you to do for me. If you don't, I'll tell Rachel we slept together last year. Wasn't today her birthday? The truth could be my gift.
Finn: I think she kind of knows. She's smart Santana and you haven't exactly helped in keeping it a secret.
Finn: But what is it? If it'll keep you from making the situation worse and ruining her birthday, I might be willing to do it.
I could still be in kid jail so yeah. Maybe, just don’t wanna talk to some random dude that wants to try and fix me. That and getting up for anything other than football practice at 6am is bullshit.
Private:
Yeah, I get that. But they always say it’s better to have a stranger listen to all your problems, so it might help. You never know, man. The ROTC stuff does seem pretty scary though, not gonna lie.
[ PM ] I would have thought that after the post-Thanksgiving discussion we had where questions were asked and clarifications were given, that we were both be on the same page once again. And yet I find myself-- I don't even know where to begin, Finn. But because you allowed me to explain, I think it's only fair that I extend the same courtesy and offer you a chance to provide a plausible explanation as to why Santana would imply that she's slept with you.
Private:
Rachel, believe me, I really wanted to tell you then, but I didn’t want to make things awkward. It was before we were dating, okay? It was a huge mistake, and I really, really regret it, Rachel. I really do.
tagging: finn hudson & rachel berry
when: a few nights after thanksgiving
where: rachel’s bedroom
notes: a misunderstanding is clarified and finn avoids coming clean
Finn and Rachel’s relationship managed to flourish since Regionals and had been going well since then. Despite Rachel’s dramatic antics that pretty much defined who she was, their relationship truly was free of drama, especially when he compared it to his only previous relationship with Quinn. He basically knew what to expect with Rachel, even if she could get a little annoying sometimes. But he loved her. It was something about her passion about everything she enjoyed that made him drawn to her in a way that he hadn’t been drawn to anyone before. They’d been together for a couple of months now, so he hoped for it to stay this way for even longer. He was happy with her. They spent time together whenever their busy, and very different, schedules allowed, whether it be a lunch date or just some simple alone time at her house. That’s what they’d decided to do on this particular night. Finn sat upright on her bed, legs extended, going over the bed by a good six inches, but he was comfortable and ready to cuddle with Rachel. Things had been pretty hectic with school, Glee Club, football, and the holidays. It was nice to unwind with his girlfriend. “I’m up for watching a movie,” he said to her, “We’re at your house, so you can decide what.” Even if they were at his house, they’d probably end up watching whatever she wanted to watch. Whenever it was his choice, she usually distracted them by ranting or kissing. Either way, he knew she’d be satisfied with having control over the situation.
Rachel was overjoyed that school was back in session after the extended holiday break. Though most people would assume that her excitement stemmed from her classroom and extracurricular dedication, in actuality – not that Rachel would ever admit it to anyone – she had simply been lonely. Thanksgiving dinner for her consisted of a microwave warmed-up casserole her dad had cooked earlier in the week before he had departed on his latest business trip. Her daddy – he was working his common holiday ER shift, taking care of individuals who had injured themselves during food prep – had provided the reheating instructions and a phone call to check in that she was doing okay on her own. And she was. As an only child Rachel had developed many skills of keeping herself entertained and occupied, and she of course didn’t begrudge Finn the time that he needed to spend with his mother. But no longer was Rachel’s world lonely, nor did she need to share Finn.
“I want a promise, Finn Hudson, that regardless of what I choose your interest will remain firmly intact throughout the entirety of the film.” She was mostly teasing, and the grin stretching her lips wide gave away as much. Standing in front of one of her bookshelves, she took but a moment before plucking Love Actually from a host of other titles and queuing it up. After a kiss to Finn’s stubbled cheek, Rachel settled onto the bed and against Finn’s chest. As the opening scene began to start, “I’m glad you’re here, Finn.”
Finn laughed gently at her teasing, shaking his head. “I’m not tying myself down to any promises,” he said, matching her smile. He managed to see the DVD she selected, not surprised by her choosing a romantic comedy. He was used to her choosing romances. As she joined him in bed, he wrapped an arm around her, gently tugging her closer to him, getting comfortable with her. “I’m glad to be here Rachel,” he responded honestly. His fingers danced through locks of her hair, playing with it before leaning his head down to kiss her head. “It’s pretty nice to not be stressed for a little bit, even if it’s for a few hours with you.” He really meant that. There were a lot of changes happening around him, with Jesse being at school all the time, a new strict football coach, his mom getting closer to Burt and their families blending – it was overwhelming to say the least. This was something that was steady and remained the same, which is why he appreciated spending time with her so much. “Wait, this is British?” he said, noticing the accents on all the actors.
A few months ago there was no chance that they could be in the position they were were now. There was too much drama and a lack of trust, but with the loss at Regionals and Finn’s confession, they were able to first rebuild their friendship and then take a chance of a relationship as the summer months ticked on by. It wasn’t always easy, and Rachel was self-aware enough to realize that her high expectations and demands were often a vehicle for confrontation, but somehow they’ve managed, at least thus far, to manage the ups and downs. To be each others momentary escapes. Their respective safe spaces. And honestly, though some liked to poke fun at their considerable size differences, Rachel enjoyed being so diminutive since Finn’s frame enveloped her in a cocoon of comfort and safety.
“Mhmm. An ensemble cast featuring many renowned performers. Plus, it fits the season, and,” Rachel drew the word out as she found Finn’s large hand to tangle a few of their fingers together, “one of the stories centers around a drummer.”
Finn nodded, taking note of the holiday decorations that surrounded the actors in different scene. Finn didn’t mind holiday movies. It was a snapshot of what the holidays were meant to be, which was something he appreciated since, for most of his life, the holidays only consisted of him and his mom. Because of the perfect family in all of the holiday advertisements, she was always sad that she couldn’t provide that to him with the death of his father. Holiday movies were his mom’s way of escaping that reality, so Finn enjoyed them when he watched him. They just were never his first choice. He still preferred a good Quentin Tarantino movie over something with this Hugh Grant guy. “Hey, that’s pretty cool. If this guy’s a good one, maybe I can take some notes,” he said, squeezing her hand with gentle affection. “But I may or may not need subtitles as this goes on. Don’t judge.” He smiled to show he was joking, but he was kind of serious. “Since this is a holiday movie, I guess I should ask – what do you want for Christmas? Or Hanukkah. Or do I get you something for both? That might get kinda expensive.”
The winter holidays were important to Rachel. She honestly believed she had her mid-December birthday to thank for the fact that it was the one time of year – aside from one week reserved for a summer family vacation – where her dad didn’t travel for work, and thanks to her daddy’s seniority, he was able to finagle his shifts so that he was home more often than not while she was also off from school. In years past there had been trips to Chicago to see shows and eat dinner under the festive light of the large Christmas tree in the Walnut room before walking the block and looking at Macy’s holiday window displays, as well as holiday movie marathons and many ingested cups of (vegan) hot cocoa. And now Rachel was thankful she had someone new to share what was for her one of her favorite times of the year.
“I don’t need eight gifts, Finn.” Though Rachel did think a homemade coupon book featuring eight specific things she could cash in on would be quite charming, she could set aside some of her attention seeking tendencies in favor of not having her boyfriend resent her. Plus, even if she considered herself Jewish, her household was an interfaith one thanks to her daddy’s side of the family. “One will suffice and cover both holidays as well as my birthday.”
Finn was surprised by her response, but he wasn’t sure what exactly he was expecting. He knew Rachel wasn’t crazy enough to ask for so many gifts, but her just wanting one came as a surprise. Maybe he expected her to want more than that. He was still figuring her out. As a girlfriend. He almost opened his mouth to ask her what she wanted, because she was a girl who knew what she wanted and did everything she could do get that. But he decided to challenge himself and allow himself to truly begin to understand her and her interests. He would hope she’d do the same with him. Despite this challenge, he didn’t have the slightest idea of what to get her, but he knew he’d figure something out within the two weeks or so he had before her birthday. “That makes it easier on me. I won’t ask what you want though, I’ll try to figure it out. And if I totally screw it up, you can exchange it and I won’t be offended. Probably just sad that my choice sucked,” he said jokingly, finishing his statement with a gentle laugh. “And I’ll let you figure out what to get me. But I have a feeling gift giving comes much easier for you than it does for me.”
Though Rachel did nod in the affirmative and smile back at Finn, her smile was tighter than before. Over the years she’d given her fathers countless gifts. Many had been hand-made or purchased on super secret trips to the mall with only one of the men – and is respective guidance – at her side. But Rachel’s social ostracization had started early and her invites to birthday parties and sleepovers weren’t even few and far between. They had been nonexistent. So her experience in picking out gifts for others was quite limited, but that wouldn’t stop her determination from figuring out the perfect gift for her boyfriend.
“Kurt might be able to direct you in a proper direction.” He was after all one of her better, if not best friends. And following that logic, maybe she could poke and prod Noah herself. “I’m sure whatever you decide upon I’ll like, Finn, because it will have been from you.” And there’s only truth in Rachel’s voice and in a more relaxed smile as she lifts her face to lay a peck against his jaw again. Finn’s picked well these past few months. He did choose her after all.
Finn nodded, noting that asking Kurt would probably be a really good idea. The statement that followed her suggestion felt completely genuine, which was comforting from Finn. Picking a gift for Rachel was pretty daunting, so hearing her say she’ll like whatever he chose was pretty reassuring. Feeling her lips press softly against his jaw also added to the reassurance he felt. “Thanks, Rach,” he said with a smile, gently squeezing her closer to him. It wasn’t like getting her a bad gift would make her break up with him. They’d been going too well for it to end with a bad gift. In this moment he was feeling really confident about the state of their relationship, but it didn’t do much to alleviate the topic haunting him in the back of his mind. He didn’t like thinking about it, especially when he was having a good time with Rachel, but he’d be lying if he thought he could let it go another night without mentioning it to Rachel. He was hesitant. Bringing it up could change the entire mood of their night. But it was something that was concerning him, and he figured honesty would be the best way to address his concern. Dishonesty, as he noticed in his previous relationship with Quinn and other relationships around him, never seemed to be very productive. So out with it. “Hey, can I ask you something?” he started, his voice soft. “About Jesse.” They hadn’t talked about him and his presence at Glee Club very much, but he figured it was a conversation they should have.
As experienced of an actress as Rachel was, nothing could have prepared her for the the question that fell from Finn’s lips, and as a consequence, she wasn’t able to mask the way her body reacted. Not only did her spine straighten and her shoulders tense, but her brow furrowed and any hint of a smile was wiped clear of her lips.
Outside of necessary glee requirements, she didn’t want to even talk to Jesse, so why on earth would she want to talk about him now. If she could, Rachel would prefer to ignore his entire existence, including last year’s tryst built on a bed of lies that was so horribly entwined with the knowledge of her birth mother’s identity, and how that too was tainted in memories that hurt her heart. Why did Finn have to bring this up now? When they were having a perfectly lovely date night in, and up until the present time had somehow managed to not let Jesse’s return hinder their relationship. But attempting to be the dutiful girlfriend and learn from mistakes of the past, Rachel took a deep breath and lowered the film’s volume in anticipation of a longer, more serious conversation.
With a sigh, Rachel’s eyes fell to their joined hands. “What would you like to know, Finn?”
Finn immediately regretted the question as soon as it left his lips, but it was out, leaving them both to deal with it, even if it it made them both uncomfortable. He felt the mood shift completely in Rachel’s bedroom. He felt her body stiffen under his arm, causing his to do the same. He sat up slightly, back straightening. He sorta felt bad when he heard her sigh, knowing that it wasn’t something she wanted to talk about. Jesse hurt Rachel really bad. Finn was still pretty bitter about it, so he could only imagine how Rachel felt. Jesse was a jackass that they now had to deal with every day, and to completely avoid talking about him would be a mistake. “Well, we haven’t really talked about it, and I know you guys have a lot of history. I guess I just want to ask how you’re doing with him being around. Because if it’s tough, I just want you to know that you can talk to me about it,“ he said honestly.
Whereas Quinn poking and prodding about Jesse’s return set Rachel on edge and made her wonder about Quinn’s motives, Finn’s statement, though it didn’t set her at ease, seemed more genuine. Rachel didn’t question why he was concerned – he was her boyfriend after all – and his offering his ear to talk was something she appreciated, considering on more than one occasion she had watched Finn’s eyes glaze over while she spoke. But there was earnestness in his voice now, and Rachel owed it to not only him, but more so herself, to truly talk about her feelings.
“I’m not happy he’s back.” They were the same words Rachel offered to Quinn the other day, though in this instance she refrained from also mentioning her broken heart. There would be no point in adding that hurdle between her and Finn now, especially when the boy holding her now was the one helping to mend some of its cracks. “But I also can’t deny that his performance and Nationals experience can only improve our own chances this year.”
Finn sighed heavily and nodded. He hated that they’d gotten that desperate to get to Nationals that Jesse was acting as their only hope. Sure, he’d be dumb if he denied that Vocal Adrenaline was an amazing show choir group, but the New Directions would never be like that. It wasn’t because they were less talented, it was just because they were completely different. Finn strongly believed that their heart would be the main thing to get them to Nationals, coupled with lessons from their failure last year at Regionals. What he hated about Jesse’s approach was that he treated the entire group as totally incompetent. But he mostly hated Jesse. It made him more protective of Rachel than he’d like to admit. He used Rachel, and only ended up embarrassing her and covering her in eggs. That’s why it frustrated him to hear her say admit that his help would improve their chances. “So you’re okay with putting up with him?” he asked. It was challenge, but he kept his voice from expressing his true frustration. “I really don’t think we need him to get to Nationals this year.”
If her shoulders had relaxed at all before, they were once again tense and tight at Finn’s tone. He hadn’t raised his voice, but there was a slight sharpness to it now, and it had Rachel’s lips pursing. She dropped his hand so that her arms could cross over her torso. “Well, Mr. Schuester didn’t exactly give any of us a choice in regards to putting up with him now did he?” It’s not like they could all take a vote and Jesse would be gone. He had been hired on to assist, and as long as he was around, they might as well accept the help he had to offer.
“And we’ll be the ones who get us to Nationals.” They’d be the ones putting in the hard work, and if Rachel had anything to say about it, additional hours of preparation, and the ones performing on stage. “But Jesse has been there. He knows the competition we’ll face.” After pausing for a minute, “He won’t change who we are, Finn.” And whether or not Rachel was talking about New Directions or their relationship, she didn’t specify.
Finn knew they probably couldn’t do much to get Jesse removed from his position, but he at least expected Rachel to express more dissent. She was always so adamant about making her opinion known at all times, it should’ve been more obvious that she didn’t want him there. Mr. Schue could be a little unpredictable sometimes, but Finn had a feeling that if they’d gotten enough people to against Jesse, maybe they could get rid of him. He took note of her releasing her hand from his, sitting up even straighter so that his back was parallel to Rachel’s headboard. He looked at Rachel, quite honestly feeling jealous as she seemed to defend Jesse. At her next statement, he got the feeling that she was picking up on his uneasiness about Rachel’s history with Jesse. He was wary of any drama interrupting their mostly stable relationship, especially after the mess that was Quinn’s pregnancy last year. And he wasn’t sure who “we” was, but immediately assumed “we” was Finn and Rachel. He shook his head and sighed. “How am I supposed to know that for sure, Rachel? He had so much influence over you last year and – I just don’t want you to get hurt,” he started. He took in a breath and continued. “Look, he was your first,” he said, hardly believing that he just said that out loud, “and with how much you trusted him, it kinda makes me worry, you know, about us.” Sure, Rachel didn’t know about him and Santana, but that was different. With Santana, there were no feelings there, but with Rachel and Jesse, it was so different.
Though she instantly went red in the cheeks, Rachel’s newly acquired coloring had nothing to do with embarrassment. Just as she proclaimed in celibacy club last school year, girls did want sex just as much as guys, and discussing her sexuality and feelings was something she refused to be ashamed about. Which was partially why when the rumor began to circulate last year that she had slept with Jesse, Rachel didn’t deny it. But perhaps more importantly, she didn’t confirm it either (and perhaps to Finn had even implied that there had been some validity behind it), choosing to let others draw their own assumptions because no one actually cared to come to her for the truth. And now Finn was showing his own cards and making it clear that what he believed about her, about her relationship with Jesse, would color his perception of their relationship now.
Frustrated and slightly annoyed and angry, Rachel shifted away from Finn and slipped off her bed so that she could pace a few steps away and provide herself some much needed space. She stared down her boyfriend who had seemingly skipped over their own previous precarious dating history about how she had trusted him once upon a time only to be hurt as well.
“I am my own person, Finn Hudson.” She didn’t appreciate the insinuation that Jesse’s influence had potentially turned into someone else, or the implication that it could happen again. “And to clear up any confusion, Jesse’s never been my first anything.” Finn was her first kiss and as short-lived as their relationship was, Noah was her first boyfriend. Perhaps Finn could be her first true love without the basis of infatuation, but, “You know for sure that Jesse won’t come between us because you trust me, Finn, and you have faith in us.”
Finn knew he’d really stepped in it when Rachel completely removed herself from him and stood up. He suddenly felt very uncomfortable and, as a result, swung his feet to the side of the bed to place on the floor. Placing his arms on his legs, he put his face in his hands and sighed. He knew it was risky to bring Jesse up, but what he also knew was that he wasn’t totally wrong. With dating Jesse, Rachel got distracted. She let him completely sabotage the New Directions and was so infatuated with him that after all of that hurt, she went back and was humiliated in the meantime, covered in eggs. He almost interjected after Rachel said she was her own person, lifting his head up to look at her. He knew that was true, he was just uneasy. The statement that caught his attention the most was Jesse not being her “first anything.” She said it so casually, and moved to her next point like it was nothing. He understood what she was getting at as she pretty much spoke for him, and frowned as she nodded. All of that was true, but he had to backtrack. “Yeah,” he started. “Sure, I do, but - wait. You never…you know, had sex with Jesse?” he asked, looking up at her, confusion written all over his face. He’d gone months thinking that’d been the case. “How come you never told me that?” It was a pretty big thing to him and he didn’t understand why it didn’t seem to be a big deal to her.
Brow wrinkled, Rachel stopped her pacing to once again look at Finn. She took a few deep breaths, and on her last exhale some of her ire released. “Because I knew it didn’t happen.” All she could really offer was a slight shrug as the hand curled around her own bicep rubbed up and down. A comforting motion. “And when we did discuss it…” Her hand left her arm to flap about in the air, as if she could snatch that moment of their history from their timeline and change what she had said. Or perhaps not said.
“I thought we had put it behind us.” But clearly they hadn’t, and Jesse’s return had only made that all the more clear. “I didn’t sleep with Jesse, Finn.” It wasn’t that she wasn’t attracted to him, or didn’t want him, or not that she didn’t even distrust him at the time. “I wasn’t ready. And it just didn’t feel right.”
Finn wasn't sure how to feel. He felt a sense of relief, but that was overshadowed by the confusion he felt. For the most part, he'd dealt with the idea of Rachel and Jesse having sex, since he'd done it with Santana. He'd come to terms with it and had been okay with it until Jesse's presence at school. Now he kind of felt dumb for starting this conversation, because in his mind, that meant their ties weren't as tight as they would've been had Jesse taken Rachel's virginity. Knowing that they hadn't sleep together took a little bit away from the anger he'd felt previously, thinking Jesse had taken total advantage of her. Now, he had an even higher level of respect for Rachel. It said a lot about her that she decided to not have sex with Jesse. She understood she wasn't ready, and knowing that made him wish he'd done the same. Sleeping with Santana was a mistake, a mistake he never admitted to Rachel, and he'd take it back if he could. But for now, he'd just enjoy his relief in knowing that Rachel never sleep with Jesse. Everything made more sense now. "Oh, wow." He exhaled softy. "That's really awesome, Rach." It was a lame response but he didn't know what else to say. "Honestly, that's what made me nervous about him being around here. I always hear about people never forgetting their first, so uh...I guess that's why I was so freaked out about it."
'That's really awesome, Rach.' It was such a teenage boy response that it made Rachel want to simultaneously cringe and laugh. She choose the latter -- sort of -- when a small smile reappeared and she nodded along with Finn's admission about the actual root of his curiosity and line of questioning. And because Finn seemed relieved at Rachel's own revelation, she didn't offer that aspects of Jesse, regardless of the fact that he wasn't a first, were unforgettable. At the very least, Rachel had to admit that to herself otherwise she wouldn't be as affected by his return and daily presence if she had been able to move on and forget, but there was no reason to bring that realization to Finn's attention when he seemed to be breathing easier.
So with a smile still in place, Rachel walked back towards the bed and stepped between Finn's open legs. Arms draped over his shoulders, one hand moving to toy with the finer hairs at the base of his neck, Rachel assured Finn. "You were my first kiss, Finn Hudson, and," ignoring the way Finn had abruptly departed after said kiss, "I'd say that makes you unforgettable."
Finn It was only slightly reassuring to hear Rachel say that him being her first kiss made him unforgettable. He totally understood that and was grateful to hear it, but it only made him feel bad for not telling her about Santana, especially since he kept it from her for so long now. Telling her now would be super dumb, so he internally made the decision to continue to keep it from her. He didn't know when he would, because there would never be a good time. He sighed softly before smiling at her. "Thanks, Rachel. That's a pretty big honor." He leaned up slightly on the bed just so that his lips could meet hers in a kiss. This would be enough for now before he eventually told her about Santana. Eventually. He savored the kiss for a few moments before pulling away. "We should probably get back to watching this thing, huh? We've probably missed a lot. Well, I have. I'm sure you've seen it plenty of times." He hoped this was a good way to return back to the nice night they'd intended to have before. He was ready to get back to cuddling with her and forgetting everything, even if it was just for a night.
"I'd like that, Finn." And Rachel truly would. It was how they were supposed to spend their night after all. None of the talk that ensued had been preplanned on her part, and she wasn't exactly a fan of the mood that had settled over them throughout the discussion. But the air seemed to be cleared now -- or at the very least clearer -- so she motioned for Finn to scoot back into his previous position of resting against her pillows and headboard, and once he did, she reclaimed her spot curled into his side, her hand in his once again.
My public defender isn’t a total dumbass for once. Think he’s stuck taking my case cus’ he fucked up or something, kinda like the dude in the Mighty Ducks. Got stuck with probation and community service. Also got stuck with going to therapy and joining ROTC, like lying on a couch or running laps is gonna do anything.
That’s actually pretty good. You know, considering how much worse it could’ve been. Hey, it might. It’s probably more productive than what you’d usually do.
Swiped my Ma’s keys, tied a chain to the bumper of her Volvo and wrapped the other end around the ATM machine. Did you know ATM machines are bolted to the ground? Cus’ I didn’t.
Thanks for clearing that up. I’m kinda surprised you were only there for like, a week.
