ASK MR. TORGUE ҉

BLOG FOR DISCUSSING EXPLOSIONS, BADASSES, AND GENERAL HELL YES.

[askmrtorgue]

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

YES YES YES YES YES YES

SHOUT IT UNTIL YOU’RE THROAT CRACKS

BLOW IT UP. UP UP UP UP

WHAT DO THE WORDS SAY??????

[askmrtorgue]

Hi Mr. Torgue! You are the reason that my wife and I got together so I wanted to formally tell you that I am at your disposal for anything you need, especially if there are bottles of hot sauce that need to be exploded! 🫡

FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NUPTIALS!! SECONDLY, WHY DOES NUPTIALS SOUND LIKE A DIRTY WORD????

ANYWAY, I ASSUME YOU’RE SAYING YOU MET YOUR WIFE ON FLEXR, THE APP I MADE THAT’S LIKE GRINDR BUT FOR BEATING UP STRANGERS IN A PARKING LOT.

WE HAD A SPECIAL ALGORITHM TO HELP PAIR PEOPLE WITH THEIR ARCH NEMESIS, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE STARTED USING IT TO FIND TRUE LOVE AND CONNECTION. DON’T GET ME WRONG; THAT’S TOTALLY AWESOME. BUT WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW TWO STRANGERS BREAK SHIN AT AN ARBY’S????

CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN ON YOUR HAPPINESS, AND PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER DOING A DOUBLES MATCH

[milobyte]

i'm sure it's fine

[askmrtorgue]

DOWNLOAD IT RIGHT NOW, I’M TRYING TO TEST SOMETHING

[askmrtorgue]

WATCHING THIS MERCENARY DAY MOVIE AND STILL CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE IS CAROL

[askmrtorgue]

MR TORGUE!!! What's your thoughts on the new Frankenstein made by del toro?

FIRST VICTOR AND NOW DEL TORO!? WHY DO WE KEEP LETTING PEOPLE MAKE FRANKENSTEINS!?!?

ALL RIGHT, SOMEONE HAND ME A FLAKKER, UNCLE TORGUE’LL HANDLE THIS ONE

[askmrtorgue]

What do you think of baby carrots me torgue?

THEY HAVE THEIR ENTIRE LIVES TO GROW UP AND BE NOT-VEGETABLES.

DON’T REPEAT THE MISTAKES OF YOUR PARENTS.

[askmrtorgue]

Mister Torgue, I know you’re never going to die, but I am curious, who all is in your will? It’d be fun to know which people or creatures you value and trust enough to leave your earthly possessions to.

LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT: I AM ABSOLUTELY GOING TO DIE. I EAT LIKE SH*T. MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS TERRIFYING. AND I HAVE HAD A LIVE GRENADE ON MY DESK FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS. DOCTORS SAY MY LIFE EXPECTANCY IS "THE END OF THIS VERY SENTENCE".

THAT'S WHY I FIGURED OUT MY WILL A LONG-ASS TIME AGO. IT CURRENTLY READS:

IN THE EVENT OF MY EXTREMELY LIKELY DEATH, I LEAVE ALL MY WORLDLY AND INTERPLANETARY POSSESSIONS TO WHOSOEVER IS THE COOLEST BEAR CURRENTLY ALIVE. END OF WILL.

RIGHT NOW, THIS MEANS IT'S A THREE WAY TIE BETWEEN "32 CHUNK", THIS DRAWING TINA MADE OF A BEAR WITH A MOHAWK, AND A LARGE GAY MAN NAMED KEITH WHO'S ABSOLUTELY GOT HIS SH*T TOGETHER.

PLANNING FOR YOUR FUTURE IS IMPORTANT!!!!

[askmrtorgue]

FAVORITE TYPE OF EXPLOSION? NUCLEAR? FIREY? CLUSTER?

THE BEST EXPLOSION IS THE ONE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

THE SECOND BEST EXPLOSION IS THE NEXT ONE.

[askmrtorgue]

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING ME HOW TORGUE BRAND GUNS GOT ON KAIROS. SO BUCKLE UP AND SIT UP, ‘CUZ IT’S TIME FOR A LORE DROP

THE TORGUE CORPORATION WANTED TO SHOW ITS SUPPORT FOR THE REVOLUTIONARIES OF KAIROS, BUT I WROTE THE PLANET’S COORDINATES DOWN ON A NAPKIN. TWO BURRITOS LATER, I HAD NO F*CKING CLUE WHERE KAIROS WAS.

SO INSTEAD OF SHIPPING WEAPONS TO A SPECIFIC PLANET, I TOLD THE TORGUE CORPORATION TO LOAD OUR STOCK INTO A TURBOCANNON AND FIRE WILDLY INTO ALL DIRECTIONS.

WHEN WE FOUND OUT THEY DID, IN FACT, MAKE IT TO KAIROS, MY SHAREHOLDERS SAID THINGS LIKE “THAT’S AMAZING” AND “PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE” AND “OH DEAR GOD WHY IS HE LOADING A SECOND TURBOCANNON”.

THE ANSWER? BECAUSE WE HERE AT THE TORGUE CORPORATION DO NOT GIVE UP, EVEN WE ALREADY SUCCEEDED MONTHS AGO.

[askmrtorgue]

Mr Torgue, is there a Mrs. (or Mr.?) Torgue?

YES.

ME.

I AM A MR. TORGUE

[askmrtorgue]

Have you ever considered making explosive blades? I feel like an exploding axe head would be awesome.

TURNS OUT JAKOBS SAW THIS MESSAGE AND LONG STORY SHORT I HAVE BEEN RAGE-BAKING FOR THE LAST TWELVE HOURS.

[askmrtorgue]

💥💥💥💥EXPLOSION💥💥💥💥

S

[askmrtorgue]

Out of curiosity, what Sudoku puzzles can be solved with punching?

THE GOOD ONES

[askmrtorgue]

ALL RIGHT, SH*TSTACKS. I GOT LOST A FEW TIMES, BUT I’M FINALLY AT PLANET SORIAK AND READY TO JOIN THE CRIMSON RESISTENCE

[askmrtorgue]

F*CK

[kretan06]

Torgue they’re on a planet called Kairos. It may be difficult to find though because it’s been designed to be hidden from the universe.

[askmrtorgue]

I CURRENTLY REGRET BEING SENT DOWN TO SORIAK IN A ONE-WAY DROP POD SHAPED LIKE A FLAMING MIDDLE FINGER

WHY AM I BURDENED WITH SUCH AN IRREVERSIBLE PAGEANTRY!?!?!!?? ??

[askmrtorgue]

ALL RIGHT, SH*TSTACKS. I GOT LOST A FEW TIMES, BUT I’M FINALLY AT PLANET SORIAK AND READY TO JOIN THE CRIMSON RESISTENCE

[askmrtorgue]

F*CK

[askmrtorgue]

ALL RIGHT, SH*TSTACKS. I GOT LOST A FEW TIMES, BUT I’M FINALLY AT PLANET SORIAK AND READY TO JOIN THE CRIMSON RESISTENCE

[askmrtorgue]

THIS IS MISTER TORGUE, POSTING TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE WILL NEVER USE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.

HELL, WE’RE SO ETHICAL, WE PROMISE TO NEVER USE ANY KIND OF INTELLIGENCE. AND THAT’S A TORGUE GUARANTEE!